


Bad Entities

by PhoenixStar73



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec is good at dirty talk, Angel/Demon Sex, Angst, BAMF Alec Lightwood, BAMF Magnus Bane, Bottom Alec Lightwood, Demonic Possession, Demons Are Assholes, Demons Made Them Do It, Depression, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Episode: s02e13 Those of Demon Blood, F/M, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, High Warlock of Brooklyn Magnus Bane, Hurt Alec Lightwood, If You Love Something Set It Free, If it Comes Back then it's Meant to Be, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Jealous Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane is the son of a fallen angel, Malec is endgame, Mind Control, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Miscommunication, Multi, Non-Consensual Touching, One needs to love themselves before they can love someone else, Other, POV Alec Lightwood, POV Magnus Bane, Possessive Alec Lightwood, Possessive Magnus Bane, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sad Alec Lightwood, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Tendency toward self-harm, Top Magnus Bane, You often don't know your own strength until it's tested, implied drugged state, self-apathy, things get worse before they get better, this fic is only beta'd for content not grammar sorry if there are any mistakes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2020-10-27 11:21:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 131,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20759537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixStar73/pseuds/PhoenixStar73
Summary: Still blindly following Clave orders, Alec infuriates Magnus and gets kicked out of the loft.  Magnus nurses his emotional wounds and Dot shows up. Lots of vodka, emotional upheaval, and recently compromised state with Azazael lead the doorway open for an unwelcome visit from one of Magnus's many uncles, A Prince of Hell, Greater Demon Samael -- with a personal agendaagainstMagnus and everything he holds dear.  Alec unwittingly gets caught in the middle. This doesn't bode well for either of them in the (tumultous) aftermath.Canon divergent season 2 episode 13CHAPTER 20 UPDATED





	1. Spiralling Beyond One's Control

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nadja_Lee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/gifts), [Lir_Soracia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lir_Soracia/gifts), [brightasstars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightasstars/gifts), [ElsaMB](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElsaMB/gifts).

> No translating or inspired works of this fic without explicit permission from the author. Thank you

The door swung open just as Alec had raised his hand to knock. 

“Alexander…hiii!” Magnus greeted with a flourish. 

Alec gawked at the majestic figure standing in front of him.

Glitterly silver all over the place, rhinestones on jacket, royal blue buttondown with silver details, the tuft of blond in his hair, and that striking red eyeshadow on lids. 

Alec felt warmth surge through the lower part of his body, and he was getting hard.

Hmm Magnus hasn't been glittery or colorful in awhile... He had not been expecting this vision in front of him.

Daddy likey.

Alec’s eyes bugged. 

“Wow,” he stated after a awhile, licking his lips. You look ---"

“Ah, I was bored, needed a change,” Magnus stated flippantly. 

Alec was not sure what to make of his boyfriend’s tone of voice. He sounded way too casual and nonchalant, in light of what occurred with Azazel and Valentine over the past few days. 

The other day, Magnus had appeared completely broken after the body switch, and Alec had not been able to comfort him.

Now here he was, acting a bit too casual. 

Alec stepped into the loft, next to Magnus, and leaned in for a quick kiss. Magnus kissed him back, but Alec could feel there was tension in his movements. 

He pulled back slightly.

"Ive been so worried," Magnus said, looking in Alec's eyes. "With demons running about, and all the other things happening in the city..."

"Why would I worry? I'm with the High Warlock of Brooklyn," Alec said, confidently, putting a hand on Magnus's shoulder. 

He gave him a squeeze of affection, trying to encourage confidence in him. Magnus smiled softly.

"So, tell me...what's been going on. Alexander??" Magnus asked.

"Someone is killing Shadowhunters and we don't know who..." Alec trailed off, suddenly looking very uncomfortable. Magnus looked at him.

"Uh Magnus, I need your hair,” Alec stumbled over his head.

Magnus looked up at him questioningly, his gaze unreadable.

“Clave orders,” Alec added. "At least until we get some headway into figuring out who did this."

Magnus stared at him for a moment, and took a deep breath. 

“So,” Magnus deadpanned, “Still blindly following orders, eh? Whatever happened to following your gut?” 

Despite himself, Alec started to feel frustrated. The endless pull of Clave programming since childhood vs. trusting his burgeoning self-instincts…it was just too much to deal with right now. His right arm, which was by his side, clenched into a fist in frustration. “They are only asking for a strand of hair,” Alec’s programming stated, before he could stop himself.

Magnus’s eyes flashed, and he coolly surveyed Alec. Oh, is that how it’s going to be? Well, then… “Well, I certainly wouldn’t want to be overdramatic, right?” he stated, a hurt look taking over as he slowly reached back to pluck a hair. He mechanically handed the hair to Alec, who put it in the small yellow envelope.

Alec seemed visibly relieved. “Thank you –”

“Get out,” Magnus stated.

“What?” Alec stated, shocked. "Wait..." Magnus turned his face to the side, no longer looking at Alec as he flicked his hand, and the door to the loft opened. Message received. He wanted Alec to leave. Alec’s shoulders slumped. Without a word, he slowly walked out, suddenly feeling like he had just made the world’s most colossal mistake…

********************

At that moment, all Magnus wanted to do was to forget Alec Lightwood. 

He could not believe that Alec was still blindly following orders, instead of relying on instincts. Just because Shadowhunters were being killed...suddenly the entire Downworld was on lockdown? And hair samples were being taken? Ugh. He had been very stoic and calculated during the whole exchange with Alexander...however, he had hoped that the boy would have seen the hurt in his eyes, and decided that he would not go through with it but no, things did not turn out that way. And so he had thrown him out.

The shock and hurt on Alec's face as he turned and left had been apparent. Well what had he expected? It was an insult...not only to him as a Downworlder, but to _him_. As his boyfriend, whom Alec had just professed his love to, at the dawn following the incident with the Soul Sword. He had been very surprised at Alec's declaration, but as with everything else wtihin their relationship, One would have thought Alec would have attempted to tread more carefully given everything that had happened. Alas, it was not meant to be. 

Of course, his rational side kept telling him that Alec was still very young, and up until the wedding, he had been programmed since he was a child to listen to Clave orders and to obey tradition as law, thus he could be expected to trip up and make mistakes. And that it was hard to rid oneself of programming that had been the only type of guidance known to the young Shadownhunter. However, Magnus thought sadly, he thought _he_ mattered to him. Enough, in fact, to already be questioning the Clave’s every motive, especially with them hiding the news about the Soul Sword, and which had driven them apart a few weeks back.

Were they just doomed as a couple? he wondered sadly.

His eyes fell upon his liquor cabinet, where the decanter of aged whiskey, a present from Ragnor, sat. That was special, reserved for desperate times, one of the few that could really make a warlock drunk, even with his supreme warlock tolerance. The last time he had indulged was the day before Alec's planned nuptials to Lydia, where he had thought all was lost. But now...given the possession by Azazel, and the torture he had endured while in Valentine's body, the memories of Alec not believing him while he was imprisoned at the Institute, and now the crap this morning. Yup this was definitely the time for such a thing.

He walked over and opened the liquor cabinet door and brought out the decanter to the table. 

“Ah Ragnor,” he sighed, as he poured some in a glass. “Wish you were here, my little cabbage.” He tipped the glass back in one gulp, then poured one again. Perhaps more of these would relieve his broken heart…

Dot was standing in the doorway, certainly a sight for sore eyes. She wore a soft smile on her lovely face, and her orange dress billowed in the slight breeze caused by the opening of the door of the loft.

Ah Dot, his longtime friend, ex-girlfriend a couple of centuries ago. One that could hold her liquor, and one who he could depend on.

"Hey," she said softly. "Looks like you had a rough day." She motioned to the decanter, which was now half empty. "You really shouldn't drink alone," she drawled, as she stepped in. Magnus grinned. He felt a bit lighter already, at her presence, as she say down next to him on the couch.

Hours flew by, with sweet notes of jazz, blues, and other music from Magnus's extensive library filled the air. Wonderful and conversations filled the air. Buzzed and happy, Magnus jumped up from his seat and motioned for Dot to join him. And they danced and danced and danced...

With the music swirling around them, Magnus began getting more hypnotized in the moment. The feel of a smaller hand in his, the smile on Dot's face, so sweet and genuine...her orange dress shimmying with her moves, everything just appeared so synchronized and flowing...As the music rose to a crescendo, they both stepped out onto the balcony, feet as light as air, in perfect harmony. As in the old days...there were few that could dance....quite like Dot. 

Dot suddenly initiated an inward whirl toward Magnus's chest, and Magnus brought his arm around her to steady her. The whiskey had started to make his head spin, even with his Warlock tolerance, and her smile was blinding. As her face grew closer to his, he sensed the caring and wanting that her whole soul was emanating out to him, and the hurt from earlier this morning had just completely disappeared. Everything was a blur, as he dimly suspected that he had drunk a little too much of this whiskey, that it was affecting him more than it ever had. He stumbled a bit, and a tear came out from the edge of his Kohl rimmed eyes.

"Oh my God, Magnus don't do that to yourself," Dot whispered, in that caring voice he's come to know, "please, don't. This is NOT you..." She put her lips on his cheek, and put her arms around him, giving him a quick squeeze for comfort. "..Magnus Bane," she whispered in a soft voice, enunciating his name syllable by syllable. 

She then looked directly into his eyes.

Magnus was not sure what had happened... But that moment just did things to him. A soft growl came out from his throat as she gazed at him. In the next minute the sensation of her soft lips were on his, so juicy and full of sweetness. Just like he remembered from long ago. The senses that were amplified by the whiskey in both their systems threatened to engulf him as Dots magic swirled around them. No more sadness or hurt, the magic whispered, you deserve it. The warmth of the magic touched Magnus's lips and he shuddered inwardly.

A fire grew inside him, the origins from that of his fallen angel blood from his father. The demonic part swirled as it rose within him. How dare Magnus Bane be disrespected, it said. Take what you deserve. Combined with the sensations from the whiskey which was already lowering his inhibitions, his yellow eyes burned furiously. He lowered his head towards Dot's. Dot let out a soft gasp at the feel of Magnus's mouth on hers, his tongue licking into her mouth. She embraced him more tightly, and parted her lips to meet his demanding tongue with her own. He could feel the red magic of Edom swirl out to envelop the two of them, his mind becoming even more cloudy as he felt his demonic instincts taking over his impulses, over any common sense or restraint, and his eyes blurred as his vision dimmed. 

They spun round and round and round, still dancing, floating on air, each not wanting to be apart. Magnus just wanted to spin and dance and spin and dance, until his senses left him, until Alec Lightwood was completely out of his brain. Because it was totally unnerving him, and he did not like feeling this insecure...

"Mmmmm," Dot murmured as she felt carresses all over her shoulders and back, the sensations of tongue and teeth becoming more demanding, and the temperature around her rising. She had gotten slightly tipsy before from the whiskey, compared to Magnus, she had not drunken nearly as much as he had. But this level of drunk she had never gotten to before; she felt like she could barely control herself. A firm (hand?) held her by the rounded part of her buttocks, and lifted her leg to rest in between his, as she felt the zipper being lowered on the back of her dress, and lips on her neck, sucking, sucking, and arms gripping her sides a bit tighter than she expected. Something (not hands) started moving quickly under her dress, where the open zipper had exposed her skin, and started moving all over, exploring, caressing, spreading. Dot melted against him, yielding, as she gave in to the sensations. It was all so overwhelming. 

A bit too overwhelming, actually...

"Magnus?" Dot asked slowly, opening her eyes. All she saw was swirling red and gold magic around her. The color of flames, but not hot. Swirling angrily around the two of them. Magnus was now sucking even harder at her neck, and his grip seemed to be getting tighter as he pressed her body to his. Magnus' lifted up his head briefly, and his eyes were glowing brighter than she ever recalled seeing them... Bordering more on orange than yellow at the moment. They were not his usual calm amber eyes. And he was not looking at her, he seemed transfixed, as if he was elsewhere. His arms were grasping her on both sides. Wait, both his arms were holding her arms, so what was touching, carressing, spreading her?? She tried to wrestle out of his grasp. She felt a weight drop in her stomach. "Magnus?? MAGNUS!" she pleaded. Magnus's eyes suddenly turned back to his brown glamour, he seemed like in a daze. Then he saw the fearful expression on her face, and noticed his arms gripping her. The huge purple bruise on her neck, along with bite marks. And her dress half falling off her body. "Oh god," he breathed, pushing her away from him.

"Nice going nephew," a loud voice bellowed. "You sure know how to pick them. That was fun, haven't had myself a good one in awhile, she's certainly a juicy, feisty one. Responsive to the touch." Loud cackling, like no sound made on Earth. Magnus jumped, repulsed, looking at his hands and remembering the sensations of feeling up Dots body, and feeling the dryness of his mouth, which had occurred after extensive sucking of the love bruise into Dot's neck. "Did you enjoy that too? I made sure that even though I had the majority of the fun, that you got to feel every sensation as if you were the one doing it. You should be more careful when you drink, you become...vulnerable. Especially after the past couple of days. I heard all about it. But ah well, you left yourself open. So much negative energy here... sadness, torture. Godspeed Azazel. Too bad he had to go that way. But oh well, more demonic planes to reign for me,” the demon added gleefully.

Magnus whirled around, the red angry energy still surrounding them. 

"Samael," Magnus whispered. Just in time to see the apparition snap his fingers, Magnus screamed as he saw the red energy travel through his arms and fingers out into the air, and the room suddenly exploded and burst into white light. The only thing registering in Magnus's mind was to shield dot from this Eiod-demon.... Magnus's vision turning to black as his mind registered an unearthly amount of pain that quickly dissipated. He felt his strength rapidly disappearing. Then he felt nothing at all as he slumped onto the ground.


	2. Violated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec, of course, picks this very moment to return to the loft.
> 
> A presence may or may not still be lingering about. 
> 
> Obviously, this does not go well. For Magnus, or Dot, or Alec. By any means.

A tall lanky figure, dressed in black, was standing in front of him. The standout deflect rune that was on the left side of his neck looked impossibly huge at the moment. Magnus was trying to gather his bearings. “A-Alec?”

Big hazel eyes. Which were not happy. Boring holes in his direction.

"Am I interrupting something?" Alec's voice finally broke the silence. He shoved his hands into his pockets, hands balled in fists, trying not to scream. He felt nothing right now as he surveyed the scene in front of him. The loft was in disarray, with some books on the floor, statues turned over, some burned areas on the bookcase and floor. But all of that paled in comparison to Magnus on the floor, disoriented, his makeup smudged, his hair all wild and messy, with Dots legs half entwined with him and one arm around him. She was still unconscious.

"A-Alexander," Magnus stuttered. When had he come home? The incident from this morning seemed like an eternity ago. He followed Alec's gaze to the big purple bruise on Dot's neck, along with Dot's dress, the top of which was just about to fall off her shoulders. Dot's hair and face were also disheveled.

_There was red lipstick all over his mouth..._

Alec's large eyes filled with tears, so much that Magnus couldn't bear to keep looking at him. He closed his eyes.

"Did I do this to you?" Alec whispered, a tear finally spilling onto his cheeks. He started straight ahead. Magnus was not sure if he was addressing him, or just talking to himself.

" Did you get so disillusioned with me that you no longer want me?"

He wiped his face roughly with his hand. He turned away._ It figures,_ Alec thought self-deprecatingly.

_**So stupid, Alec. So fucking stupid.** Like a stupid robot you have to take orders from the Clave...You realized it too late, and you end up losing the respect and love of the most special person in your life. What does he see in you? What could he see in you?_

Alec's eyes were almost wild now with unshed tears, even as some was spilling onto his tear stained face. He couldn't even tell that he and Valentine had switched bodies, not even when Magnus had told him everything they experienced together. _He was such a fucking fool._

He started choking up a little bit, tears spilling out over his eyes onto his cheeks. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. Blinded by his tears, he walked slowly across the room toward the balcony, his eyes with a blank expression on his face. Magnus's gaze followed Alec's slumped, retreating back, feeling more like an ass than ever...

Simultaneously, Dot stirred, opening her eyes. "Magnus?? What happened? What was that crazy white light?" She tried to get up, and groaned. "Omg my head. I feel like someone's hit me with demonic energy. I haven't felt this weak since the Roman Ages when we had that battle with the Unseelies."

Magnus suddenly noticed the remnants of flames still hanging around in the air. To anyone else, they would be invisible. But to someone with an Edomic signature, there was no mistaking it. "Samael. He's still lingering." Oh shit, ALEC... He shot up to his feet, waved his hands over Dot, and suddenly Dot was standing upright, dress and hair in place. She looked down, as if embarrassed. "Magnus..." She began," I didn't mean for things to get like this. Also I knew that that was not YOU." She shuddered as she recalled Samaels hands all over and inside her, and how she had moaned and writhed in response to it.

"I DESPISE him. And myself, for violating you," Magnus stated angrily, even as Dot shook her head to indicate that she knew it had not been Magnus doing those things. "We need to get rid of him. Samael has a particular thirst for Shadowhunters... And there's one right in this apt, where he can feel him..." Taking Dot by the hand, they raced in the direction of the balcony, where Alec had gone.

And they froze. Alecs eyes were bugging out as he hung limply in the grasp in the large hand of a grinning Samael. "Ah you finally came to, nephew," he cackled. "And that luscious side piece, you can have me anytime," he stated to Dot, who glared at him. "Looks like you two finally joined the party. Magnus, you've really outdone yourself. You're so charming that you've even charmed a Nephilim to be in your bed..." Magnus gulped, as his eyes met Alec's scared ones.

"By the way, no longer interested in you," the demon said, suddenly acting bored. He made a flicking motion, and suddenly Dot disappeared. Both Alec and Magnus jumped. "You two are the stars of the show, now."

“So, Magnus,” Samael drawled. “Seems like you had your share of fun today, eh? Much better than being at the beck and call of a Nephilim, huh. After all they are nothing but **users**; they will use you until they don’t need you. And you will never be at the same level as them. As soon as something goes wrong, they will turn on you.” Both Alec and Magnus cringed simultaneously, recalling their exchange earlier this morning.

“No wonder why Magnus no longer wants me…” Alec thought sadly, as his heart started breaking in two. He could not forget how angry and betrayed Magnus looked when he had thrown him out of the loft.

“But I guess in your situations, there must have been a lot to gain!” the demon laughed. “Four hundred plus centuries worth, eh? I guess that luscious side piece could totally match you in terms of whatever you want, however you want, eh?” The demon leered, looking at a distraught looking Magnus, who now was looking at the floor.

“But this Nephilim, with no life experience, whatsoever…”

The demon peered closely at Alec. "Hmm, now, I would normally just snap Nephilims in two...but I wonder what all the fuss is about?"

Before anyone knew what was happening, the demon had crushed his face to Alec's. Magnus's eyes widened in horror, then he felt incredible anger...his flaming red magic reserves building up in his gut. Alec's eyes had widened out of fear as well, and he put his hands up against the demon to push him away. The demon blinked once, and Alec's eyes suddenly became unfocused, and dilated, as if in the throes of passion. Magnus watched in horror as Alec's lips parted, he started kissing the demon back. Soon the demon was engaged in a passionate kiss with the archer. The demon clutched the Shadowhunter to him tightly, pressing every curve, every bulge flush against his body. Oh NO he didn't!!!! Magnus felt his hand charge up with magic, ready to strike.

But some unseen force held him back. "If you strike," a sudden bellowing voice appeared inside of his head, "I will kill him." It was the demon, literally inside of his head. FUCK, Magnus thought, willing his magic to subside. Given that Alec was in such a precarious position, he couldn't risk it. Instead, he watched this exchange stoically, biting his lip so hard that he drew blood. Just watching what was unfolding in front of him. He shuddered, as he thought miserably, I deserve it. For what transgressed before...

Finally, after an eternity, the kiss ended, and the demon held Alec out at arm's length. Alec suddenly appeared focused again, as if waking up from a dream

What the hell had just happened? And why did he feel like he had been freshly kissed? His mouth and tongue felt raw. Images suddenly appeared, with what occurred during the past 10 minutes. Alec's face changed. He was going to be SICK. He turned and gagged. The demon laughed. "Ah, was I too much for you, little Shadowhunter? Anyway you did REAL good, to my surprise. I wonder how you would be in bed." He cackled, tracing Alec's deflect rune on the side of his neck slowly with one talon.

Alec shuddered, and felt his cock twitch involuntarily. He couldn't help the moan that escaped his lips. A motion that did not go unnoticed any Magnus, who cringed. A hate, fueled by desperation and jealousy, spread through him. Alec's reaction certainly did not escape the demon's notice, who looked down and started cackling even more. "Ooh, this will be fun," he stated, his black eyes fixated on Alec. Alec just felt violated, on more levels than one. He needed help from Magnus. Even if they might potentially no longer be together, he was certain that Magnus would not just leave him to be destroyed by a demon. He tried to send a silent message to Magnus through his eyes. His hazel eyes flashed. Help me, Magnus. Help me!

OH THAT WAS IT, Magnus thought angrily, as the jealousy surged to its peak. NOBODY gets to touch that deflect rune but me! NOBODY! His glamour fell and his yellow eyes blazed furiously at Samael. That's it. They needed to find some way to get rid of the demon. Before anyone else got hurt. OR defiled. He could barely stand even looking at Alec in the clutches of the demon, worried about what else the demon wanted to do to Alec.

"Hmm, you seemed to really like doing that, huh." Suddenly Magnus heard's Alec voice, sounding all purposeful and...seductive? His head whipped around so fast to focus on the Archer, who was now looking directly at the demon with big hazel eyes. The demon in turn seemed amused, and intrigued by Alec's sudden change in personality. “Why don’t you do that, again, and really turn me on,” he murmured. Magnus’s eyes grew as big as saucers, but he said nothing as he watched the demon grin maniacally.

“That’s more like it, Shadowhunter,” Samael stated as he drew Alec close for a kiss. Alec reached to cup Samael’s chin as he deepened the kiss. Magnus turned away, disgusted. His heart was pounding furiously. What was Alec doing??? Was this to get back at him and Dot? He did not find this funny at all. The pressure behind his eyes becamse more intense, and Magnus was sure that his eyes had tinges of red now. Edomic red, which occurred involuntarily whenever he became very angry.

Then Magnus noticed that Alec was attempting to reach the hilt of his seraph blade with the other hand. He could not quite reach though, and the demon pulled away from the kiss before he could reach it. Alec gave Magnus a quick look as he attempted to gesture toward the hilt of the blade with a look in that direction. Then he turned around and clutched the demon again in another embrace. And again, Magnus saw him attempting to inch closer to the hilt of the blade.

Damn, so much for being able to reach for the blade, Alec thought, trying not to grimace or to spit once their mouths disconnected. Demons didn’t taste really good, and he felt like he was about to throw up. But he was trying to distract the demon at the moment, and couldn’t figure out any other way to keep the demon occupied so that the focus didn’t turn back into killing him or Magnus. Gotta suck it up and go for round 2, he sighed. He took a deep breath, tried not to make a face, and went in again.

Meanwhile, Magnus, in the throes of trying to keep his anger to a simmer, had noted Alec's actions. And put two and two together. So, Alec was trying to distract the demon? Hmm, it was an interesting plan, Magnus thought. If the demon was sufficiently distracted enough, perhaps Magnus could magic the blade over to himself quick enough for him to use it.

Alec looked over at Magnus, and their gazes caught, silent understanding established between them. Magnus nodded.

Alec turned to the demon. “You seemed to really like my deflect rune,” Alec stated softly, turning the demon’s gaze to him. I have others, you want to see? I am just SO sensitive in those areas. Or do you want to _tease_ my deflect rune and rut against me until I scream?”

Magnus’s mouth dropped open at hearing those words. He looked over at Alec again. Then he noticed that he himself was super hard now. He flushed. Man Alec was pretty good at playing a role, and dirty talk, he thought. So unfortunate that did not manifest when they fell into bed together...

However, he currently found himself also getting angry and irrationally jealous. Alec was not supposed to be practicing on someone else! It was supposed to be his! He saw Alec’s hazel eyes dilate as he sweet-talked the demon, and Magnus’s anger grew, in spite of himself.

Here goes nothing, Alec said, as those words came out. He tried to give the most seductive smile he had at the demon. Slowly the demon’s eyes narrowed and a sinister smile appeared on his mouth. “Oh when Im done with you, you won’t remember who Magnus Bane is,” he snarled.

Alec managed a glance toward Magnus, whose hands were clenched tightly at both sides. And he looked FURIOUS, more furious than he's ever seen anyone be. His dark eyes flashed gold (and red?), and his mouth was clamped tightly...def an expression of anger and hurt. But Alec also saw other emotions on his face...was that love and concern he saw in his eyes and expression as well? Magnus's stare was like two burning embers of fire directed at him. And Alec felt every emotion in his heart and soul at that moment as they held each other's gaze.

Oh my god, Alec thought, so he still does care!

This made Alec feel really happy. But it also made him feel sad at the same time. He had not meant to invoke those feelings in Magnus, praying that he understood that this was part of the plan to distract the demon enough so he could get the seraph blade from Alec’s hidden side cargo pocket. He changed his look to one of pleading…and breathed a sigh of relief when Magnus’s anger seemed to subside, replaced again by worry. Alec gave him a nod. Magnus nodded back, bracing himself for the show that was about to emerge. The red color seemed to leave his eyes, and his glamoured brown eyes returned.

Magnus mouthed to Alec, "We need to talk later." The Nephilim's face fell, and Magnus was taken aback by the stormy look which suddenly appeared in his large hazel eyes, filling with tears. Wow, Alec must really be scared, Magnus thought.

Alec swallowed the lump that was in his throat. Magnus wanted to _talk_. Probably to clear the air... probably to let him go, to tell him that *this* was too complicated to get around. Alecs heart suddenly felt incredibly raw, as if it was an open wound that just wouldn't stop bleeding. I want all of this to never have happened, he thought desperately. But he knew certain things may potentially never be the same again.

He blinked twice, trying to compose himself. All that could be thought about later. The plan right now *needed* to go in motion, even if his world was crumbling around him... This demon needed to die. He took a deep breath.

“Oh yeah?” Alec murmured, leaning closer to the demon’s face and baring his neck and the deflect rune. “Why don’t’ you show me then?” Magnus had to look away as the demon took full advantage. His long tongue flicked out and started massaging Alec’s deflect rune on his neck. as he held the Shadowhunter still. Alec could not help shuddering and moaning even as if he felt like throwing up; the demon needed to be distracted. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Magnus wincing at the sight of them. As if Magnus needed even more reason to think badly of him. Alec put a hand on the small of the demon’s back, and the demon took that as a signal to increase the pressure on Alec’s neck. The demon brought his mouth directly to Alec's neck and started sucking, _hard_. Involuntarily, Alec felt his leg rise up, seeking more friction. What the fuck?? Alec’s mind screamed, as the demon grinned and took the next step and started rutting against him. Oh my lord, Alec thought helplessly, a mix of waves of nausea, hatred, and unwanted physiological pleasure surged through him. His eyes rolled. Faintly he felt himself being flipped over, his clothes being tugged at...and was something slithering into his pants? Then there was something on top of him. Oh lord, he was _too_ weak to stop or fight it, he realized, alarmed, his consciousness slipping from him...

Magnus could barely stand to watch the scene unfolding in front of him. He was partially horrified, and oddly drawn in. The demon was humping against his Alexander, who seemed to be losing control of the role he was playing. His tongue was out, he was panting, and he was basically putty in the demon’s hands now, not really moving as the demon continued to tug at his clothes, even getting his pants halfway down, so Alecs ass was showing -- Magnus's eyes glowed extra red upon witnessing this -- as Samael continued to assault his neck and body, rutting against Alec's back. It appeared that Alec had passed out from all the exertion.The next few minutes just seemed excruciating, as Magnus hoped that Alec would regain consciousness. This was getting to be too much! Suddenly, Alec’s eyes refocused, and he locked gazes with Magnus. With great effort, he gave a quick, terse nod. Hurry! He said with his eyes. And then Alec appeared to pass out again. Just then Magnus saw Samaels' tongue slither down the front of Alec's pants, causing Alec to repeatedly gasp, involuntarily. Magnus's eyes became lit, full-on red with rage. Summoning his magic, a fiery red lasso shot out to reach around the other side of Alexander, grabbed the hilt and pulled it out of Alec’s cargo pants. The blade flew into Magnus’ hand. He winced at the burning sensation of it, it was literally burning into his hand. He took a few deep breaths. Please let the legends be true, he thought, not wanting to be burned in vain. He concentrated on the blade.

Suddenly the blade glowed a bright red. Yup, Magnus, as the son of the fallen angel Asmodeus, was able to wield a seraph blade. Samael suddenly noticed what was happening, a bit too slow on the reaction due to him being too engrossed with what he was doing with Alec. Magnus leapt at him, the blade tearing into his chest. Samael screamed something not of this Earth, and dropped Alec, who fell onto the floor, his hair and clothing disheveled. He saw Alec attempting to roll away, and his claw reached to pin Alec in his arm.

Alec screamed.

“NOOOO!!!” Magnus yelled, digging the blade in deeper, holding firm a warrior's stance. Samael looked at Magnus, indignant, before he disappeared into ashes.

Before Magnus could control himself, giant blue tendrils were already ripping through his soul, racing through the burnt outlines on his palms, through his fingertips, waves and waves of it -- going toward Alec, who was growing pale from the ichor now in his leg.

Alec saw the blue waves approaching. "Oh no," Alec whispered, horrified. "That was too much magic, Magnus...I'm not worth it. Not anymore..." Even so, Alec could see the ichor drifting out of the wound, and the skin knotting together, back as if nothing happened.

Magnus smiled weakly. "It’s alright, never fear,” he murmured. “’M glad it worked," he whispered tenderly. He was already feeling faint. Using the seraph blade had required him to call on so much magic, and even Magnus had not known how much it would take. That had been the very first time he had called on it. You just don't take a gamble like that, when it could cost you your life. But his soul must have wanted to save Alec. He smiled, as his eyelids grew heavy.

He collapsed.

"Magnus!" Alec cried out, as he ran over quickly to check him out. The warlock was breathing deeply, asleep. My beautiful warlock, he thought automatically, looking at him with affection. Those thoughts came to a halt, and his smile disappeared as reality set in. And then he grew sad, at thought of what transpired this morning. Maybe he no longer had the right to be thinking that way, not when he had hurt the warlock so much by the lack of faith in him.

No matter what, I will always love you…and care about your well-being, Alec thought.

Magnus looked too peaceful to be moved. Alec got up and went to the bedroom. He came out carrying giant fluffy pillows and a blanket. He set Magnus up amongst the pillows, and put a comforter over him. His whole being yearned to lie next to him, to embrace him. But he didn't. Alec just stared at Magnus’s peacefully sleeping form for awhile before walking to the couch to turn in for the night.

He already knew he was not going to get much sleep, given the turn of events today. Tears filled his eyes, and he blinked them back.

Whatever he needed to face, he would face them tomorrow, he thought stoically. Like it or not, he had caused a situation earlier today, and it was very possible it could be irreparable. Magnus would most likely want to *talk*, which was probably something he did not, was just not ready to hear. He felt like one wrong word, and he was going to just *break*...

Ugh, enough of this, he thought, steeling himself inside. Emotions were a distraction. He attempted to will his feelings away, to keep his mind and heart free of uncertainty.

This would always work whenever he had a mission the next day.

However, this time, it did not work.

He eventually fell asleep on the couch, tossing and turning uneasily throughout the night. Morning couldn't come soon enough.


	3. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec wakes up the next morning... Magnus is still out cold. Alec is forced to deal with the ramifications of the previous day inside his head on his own...

_Day 1 – The Morning After_

The morning came, and then the early afternoon sun reached its peak in the sky. Magnus still did not wake up. He was alive though, Alec thought with relief, pressing two fingers to his jugular and feeling a very strong, steady beat. 

A wave of sadness overcame him just then as he gazed at Magnus's sleeping form. He sighed, stretching as he yawned. He winced at the ache in his lower back, and even stranger, larger ache below the waist and his thighs and legs. Alec’s back hurt from sleeping on the couch, or rather, attempting to sleep on the couch. He never slept well without Magnus. But in light of things that happened, he just did not feel like he could sleep next to him. Or that Magnus would want him to do so. 

Alec idly rubbed at his neck, where his Deflect Rune was located. It still itched slightly, due to the intimate contact that the demon had lavished on it. He noticed the itching upon waking up, and then it had kept itching as the day progressed. Every time he would rub his deflect rune, it would remind him of how the demon had taken his tongue to massage that area as he rutted against him. It was an incredibly sensitive area. 

Too sensitive, he thought, wincing, as his dick would keep reacting every time he had these thoughts. After awhile he had had enough. 

He matched into Magnus’s bathroom, turniing on the shower full blast. And *hot*. He felt dirty. So dirty. He never thought he would be touched by someone other than Magnus....or even that he had voluntarily initiated contact. Even if that plan had eventually gotten Magnus to save them both...

Just the memories of the whole thing still gave him chills. He recalled how the contact of the demons’ tongue pressing against the rune on his neck had brought forth sensations and desires that he did not think would be evoked within him. As the hot water hit his skin and especially the sensitive part of his neck, he flushed as his dick twitched wildly while he replayed the bits of memory that came back to him. He was partly ashamed that the memory of the demon would cause that type of reaction. 

Truthfully by the time the demon had stated rutting against him, he had been *gone* -- in ever sense of the word. He had not even been sure how he managed to revive his alertness long enough, to tell Magnus to steal the seraph blade. Otherwise, the demon probably could have had his way with him, and Alec would not have cared less who was doing it to him at that point. Somehow, that demon had made him not care, in the heat of the moment.

Without realizing it, he had let his hand slowly trail down his stomach, down to the patch of hair leading to his groin. His dick twitched again, and now he noticed that it was standing straight up. He was _hard_. Ugh how could he feel such things? he admonished himself again, feeling ashamed. Despite this, however, his hand longed to touch his hard member, there was so much tension there right now and so many contradicting thoughts on his head... it was begging him to satisfy it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His hand slowly inched toward the hardness in between his legs. As his fingers spread open to engulf his girth, his eyes flew open at the overwhelming sensations flowing through him.

Alec Lightwood’s eyes dilated so intensely at that moment, his eyes almost turned black, with the hazelness only a silver. 

He gasped at the pleasure that was flowing through his senses as his hand started gripping and stroking. 

At first, tentatively, then faster. _Faster._

Visions of the night before came, flashing through his brain. The demon taking full advantage…Alec’s leg coming up, against his will, to straddle the demon. The demon then rutting his whole body against Alec’s hardness. Alec nearly passing out from the sensations. He recalled his mouth falling open, and his vision had become a blur. This was where Alec had completely almost lost his grip on sanity during the debacle...He was ashamed to admit it, but it had felt so incredible. An overwhelming shame had also simultaneously set in during that time, because in being so turned on, within the recesses of what was left of his consciousness, a _**sexual fantasy**_ had started taking shape -- _he had fantasized_ _that the demon had been thrusting in him -- _as the demon was rutting against him. In the throes of passion and conflicting thoughts, he could feel how big the demon was, how hard he was against his leg. One minute he was rutting against his leg and thigh, the next minute in his fantasy, he could almost _feel_ _the demon_ _thrust inside him._

**It had felt *so* real, his fantasy. **

He had imagined the demon making him scream inwardly.

His walls clenching that girth tightly as it moved in and out of him.

The delicious burn making him wince, _so addicting_, as he was violated, over and over and over...

In and out, _in and out. _

That tongue exerted just the right amount of pressure as it massaged his neck. The tongue had been *really* long, and the texture had been slightly rough, a little less than sandpaper. And he had imagined how it would have felt, sneaking to wrap around his hard dick in front, while this was all going on. And pulling, pulling at his oversensitive, hard length...after awhile, it had really felt as *if* it had been happening for real.

He had continued to fantasize that this demon was _holding him down_, with him having _no control_ but just moving, _being tossed around, with *every* thrust._ _The demon biting into his deflect rune with his coarse mouth, as he wriggled in its grasp helplessly...knowing that he hadn't wanted this but he was helpless to stop it. Moaning while his eyes rolled back._

He gasped at the intensity of his desire as he fantasized all of this, pre-come pooled at the tip. He shuddered as a burning sensation started up in the bottom of his gut ---

No! he scolded himself indignantly, his hand loosening on his length and stopping the stream of unclean thoughts. He was aware again of where he was, in the shower, trying to wake up. This was all wrong, having these thoughts! What was he doing? Getting turned on by a rape fantasy, of getting raped by a demon. He was *not* going to come, thinking of that demon! And of being violated. Right in front of Magnus! 

To think Magnus had laid witness to all of this! He felt _so ashamed_. Why, he --

Right, Magnus had been _watching_. _ Intently watching._

In the heat of the moment, he had barely been able to get a glimpse of Magnus, other than feeling his eyes on them, yellow/red and blazing, and angry. Now his visions were actually showing Magnus staring, but also seeming very turned on at the same time. He had had a tent in the front of his pants that Alec could clearly visualize, now that he had time to relive his thoughts. This revelation made him pump his hand faster along the shaft. He imagined Magnus slaughtering the demon while he was having his way with a helpless, naked Alec...then taking Alec right then and there, as his reward... His beautiful lips stretched out around his engorged head, taking him in as deep as he usually does. Alec entangling his fingers in Magnus's gorgeous hair, now flopping with sweat. Then flipping Alec around to take him in the back, hitting his prostrate so hard Alec would black out…

The pumping of his hand along his shaft became faster and faster, Alec furiously stroking, stroking…the feelings rose up through him. 

Magnus... 

_oh *Magnus*. _

And as the hot water pounded down on his bare skin, he shuddered and moaned as his climax overtook him, the image of Magnus in his head. Coupled with the sensations of the hot water beating down on him, he sank to his knees, utterly exhausted. 

He just knelt there, frozen, for a few minutes following his release. His eyes were still closed, and he fought to catch his breath. He was practically hyperventilating, and his chest almost hurt with the effort. He had *needed* this release. He hadn’t known _how much_, though.

At some point, he regained the strength in his legs and stood up in the bath. He gathered his bearings and got out to dress himself. He walked out back into the living room to check on Magnus. Still asleep. The sad feelings came back full force. And the whole mixed situation he was in regarding the Clave and the DNA testing. Were they still *together*? He recalled the mention of the talk Magnus had indicated he wanted to eventually have. Would that be the end of them? His shoulders slumped.

Then he straightened up his shoulders, straightened out Magnus’s comforter, and leaned over to give Magnus a soft, feathery kiss on each eyelid. Magnus did not respond. He sighed, watching Magnus’s chest rise and fall with even breath for a little bit. Then he heard a plainitive meow coming from the kitchen. 

“Time to feed Chairman Meow,” he said to no one in particular, as he walked out of the bedroom. After all, certain routines still need to be upkept.

_Day 2 – The Second Morning following the incident_

Magnus was still *not* awake, Alec realized, after he had gotten up from the couch and looked over to check on him. 

He had slept much better than that first night. He noticed his back did not hurt so much today, and his neck did not have those sensations anymore. But his heart felt empty. This was not normal, not having Magnus around. Even if their interactions would be awkward, at least he would feel his presence. The loft just felt so weird, so empty, with Magnus not moving about. Alec had not realized how much the warm, homey feelings of the loft had come from Magnus’s presence day to day. Now that he had not been up and about, the loft just felt like a regular apartment, devoid of warmth or coziness. 

How he wished Magnus would wake up. Initially he had been dreading having to talk to Magnus, but now he found himself fervently wishing he would wake up. At least he would get to interact with him, to be able to watch his beautiful mouth move as he spoke. Or to watch his wonderous hands move around in a flourish as he got his point across. Hell, even when Magnus was annoyed or angry, Alec would often lose focus as he would become hypnotized, watching Magnus just move about. Magical indeed. Anyway, any interaction, good or bad, would serve well to lose this empty feeling inside him. Even when they were not together yet in the beginning, Magnus always had a way of seeing right through him, and to pick up on things Alec had not even been aware existed with him. That was what he had fallen in love with, even on that first night. Even though he had not been aware of it yet.

His phone buzzed. He looked down at the message. Damn, he was needed at the Institute. He paused, his finger poised above the keyboard. He looked in the direction of the bedroom. Would Magnus wake up in the next few hours? He would want to be there if he did. And yet, maybe a few hours would not even make a difference! Hm, he thought. He went into the kitchen and came back carrying Chairman Meow, who had just finished his breakfast bowl, and had a very annoyed look on his face, if a feline could have any annoyed look. Alec carried him to Magnus’s sleeping form and laid him down. Immediately the temperament of the feline changed. His green-yellow pupils dilating, Chairman Meow purred and snuggled against the crook of Magnus’s arm. Alec could not help the surge of jealousy that rose up within him, watching this. How he wanted to do that the last two nights. He blinked back hot tears. 

Ah well, he had to get to the Institute. Perhaps there would be some meetings to distract him from all of this. Or better yet, missions where he could just lose himself in, and forget the events from yesterday. Or the fact that Magnus had not woken up yet. 

Sighing, he walked out of the loft.

*********

Shadows had begun to crept in through the large windows of the loft as the clouds traveled over the large moon in the night sky. The doors of the loft creaked open, as the wards allowed Alec to come in. Alec winced as he held his right arm. There had been a small altercation with a lesser demon. A demon pincher had gotten him on his arm, but it had not anything crazy. His hair was matted and dirty from the fight, there was dirt on his cheek, and his shirt and pants were torn. Jace and Izzy had gotten scratched also, but no injuries. 

_As the three embattled Shadowhunters walked toward the infirmary, Isabelle had given him a look of concern. “Alec,” she began slowly,” that demon should *not* have gotten you! We saw that demon from a mile away. You were not focused. What’s wrong, big brother?”_

_Alec had looked away at that moment, muttering, “Nothing, just a bit off my game today.” He could not look at her; she would know immediately he was lying._

_Not that he was being very convincing now…Izzy shook her head. “Uh okay,” she said. “You aren’t ready to talk about it. Anyway, I think you need to take a few days off. If that demon had been more calculating, that would have been much larger of an injury.” _

_Alec had just looked at her, and nodded. He did not miss the look of surprise that crossed Izzy’s face. _

_Wow, something is really wrong with Alec, Izzy thought. He *never* agrees on taking a day off. Izzy looked at him questioningly. He gave her a small reassuring smile, but could feel his eyes tearing up and he didn’t bother to fight them. Izzy leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Yes, please go home after this,” she whispered._

_Catarina Loss had portaled in just then, and Izzy nodded as Alec turned to go to her. They walked into the infirmary together. Catarina had used healing spells to help get the toxic ichor out. Alec had then refused further help, since he had wanted to get home to Magnus. Catarina had put her hand on his shoulder as he was about to leave. He had turned to her in response._

_"How come Magnus did not help you guys with the demon?" she asked. "This would have been nothing, if he had been with you guys." _

_Alec had stammered, "He was busy," before breaking down in tears. He had looked down, his cheeks on fire with embarrassment, as the tears flowed down his cheeks, breathing hard. They landed into his mouth and he choked on them. Warm arms enveloped him right then, and he couldn't help but lean into them. "Now now," Catarina soothed." You can talk to me. I won't judge. Now what is it about my oldest friend?" _

_Alec ended up telling her everything. Her eyes widened. "Wow," she stated slowly. "That is some story. And I can't believe the thing about Dot! That has been over for ages. He's head over heels. For you," she stated. _

_Alec shook his head. "I think I tested his patience a bit too much this time. He trusted me, and I decided to betray the man that I love, in order to follow *orders*," he spat. He hated himself so much t that moment. "I really wouldn't blame him if he decided that I was too much to get used to, to be with." He sighed._

_Catarina pulled him into a hug. "Don't give up on him, Shadowhunter," she whispered._

Alec took off his shirt, and looked at the wound. It still looked nasty despite Catarinas healing magic on it. He took out his stele and activated the iratze. He watched as the wound slowly disappeared off his skin, as if there had been no wound in the first place. 

He slowly strode into the darkened loft. 

Magnus. Still asleep, not having moved from his original position since day 1. Ugh this was getting aggravating. Alec's stomach plunged in despair. Why wasn't he getting his strength back? Or, rather, what if he didn't wake up at all? Did that ever happen? The thought of that made Alec feel sick. And sad. Tears filled his eyes and he wiped them away quickly. 

"Meow," said the ball of grey fur who was still resting comfortably in the crook of Magnus's arm. One eye peeked open and looked at Alec. With firm resolve, Alec walked into the bedroom and changed into his comfy t-shirt and sweatpants. He came out and sat down next to Chairman Meow. "Scoot," he said, attempting to nudge the cat over so he could lie in the crook of Magnus's arm. The cat hissed with displeasure, but then stopped as Alec placed the cat in the crook of his own arm. The cat started putting contently.

Alec put his head back into Magnus's chest, listening to the purring for awhile, coupled by the rise the fall of Magnus's chest with his breaths, and the strong beating of his heart. This was where he wanted to be. Even if he couldn't have this anymore, at least tonight he could lie with him and give him his strength. 

Maybe this would even help Magnus to wake up tomorrow. He just wanted to see him, talk to him. Listening to his strong heartbeat, Alec eventually fell into a deep comfortable sleep, with Chairman Meow purring contently next to him.

_Day 3 -- the Third Morning following the incident_

Alec woke up slowly, the sunlight hitting his face. Chairman Meow was not in the crook of his arm. And he was lying on a satin pillow. And he was on the bed. Magnus's bed. Not on the floor. 

Not next to Magnus...

Magnus. Who was standing in the doorway, just staring at him with his arms folded. He had an unreadable expression on his face. 

Alec gulped. "You're finally awake... And you magicked me to the bed," he managed. His throat was incredibly dry.

"Yes," Magnus stated slowly, his voice clipped, but still retaining the regular melodious tone Alec's heart was so used to hearing.. His voice, after days of silence in the loft, sounded so amazing to Alec's ears. " I suppose that's thanks to you, Alec. For giving me your strength while I was knocked out." Magnus looked down, shifting his feet from side to side. 

He's nervous, Alec realized, swallowing hard. I'm so not ready for this, he thought, his heart dropping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is finally awake! Now the real internal conflicts ensue...
> 
> \-----
> 
> Please note: No translating or inspired works of this fic without explicit permission from the author. Thank you


	4. Raw & Festering Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus attempt to talk things over, but awkwardness, and an inopportune interruption threaten their resolving of their current state of affairs. They ultimately decide to follow through on their emotions and baser nature rather than talk. But things just start getting a bit strange and out of character...

Alec and Magnus had been sitting across from one another in the living room for the last hour or so. Magnus in his armchair, Alec on the couch. There was still the slight awkwardness in the air between them, ever since Alec had awakened earlier that morning, found himself in the bedroom, and found Magnus, awake and staring at him from the doorway.

They had planned on sitting down and talking about everything. Well, _planned_ being the operative word. They were actually not talking very much at the moment, just either looking down or at one another awkwardly. Finally Alec had been the first one to speak. “I wanted to thank you for rescuing me from Samael,” Alec said slowly. “I was really scared,” he confessed, his eyes downcast. “ I can’t say that I was wholly confident how that whole thing would have turned out if you hadn’t been there, or hadn’t been able to read my cues.” He ran his hands through his hair nervously. “Actually, that was quite the gamble you took, with the seraph blade,” he added. “I had intended you to grab it and distract Samael so I could invoke it and kill him. But it worked for you…” He trailed off, as Magnus flushed. He looked at Magnus questioningly. 

“It should not have worked for you. In fact, it should have burned you to a crisp. But it lit up. It even turned…red? Ive never read about that happening,” he said, puzzled. His eyes searched Magnus’s gaze imploringly. How? he thought.

Magnus looked away. Was he ready to explain to Alec how he was the son of one of the Princes of Hell? He felt his glamour drop, as his heart sank. Not today, he thought, in light of everything that they had experienced. There was more than enough to explain to Alec…and who knew how he would even react to that….

Magnus suddenly felt a pull at the wards, albeit a familiar one. “Enter,” Magnus stated absentmindedly with a flourish of his hand, half grateful for the interruption. He turned back to Alec. 

“As you were saying?” he asked. His brows furrows as he sees the frown on the archer’s face, which quickly changes to a blank expression.

Alec had already stopped talking by this time. He just stared at Magnus. Alec had just started telling him how he had felt during the whole Samael debacle…and Magnus couldn’t wait to open the wards for 5 minutes?? Alec knew he was being immature and fussy, but it was normally very hard for him to open up. So when he chooses to open up to someone – _Magnus_ – and yet he acts like he’s not completely vested in it, it is like a small tear appears in his already fractured heart.

“Magnus, darling! I felt it in my soul that you had woken up. I am so glad!” A high musical voice penetrated the air, as a lithe figure runs through the loft doors, past the foyer area, then Alec, to bury herself into Magnus’s arms. Alec felt himself grow cold all over. Dot Rollins. Magnus’s ex. The same ex that had just conveniently been with Magnus when Alec had first come back from the Institute that day. The same ex with her dress half falling off her body, lying on the floor next to Magnus, after they did _godknowswhat. _They still hadn't had a chance to talk about it. 

In his opinion, Dot's timing couldn't be worse. But for whom, though? Magnus was probably incredibly happy to see her. After all he had moved on, to her, right? Alec thought, a knife twisting in his gut. He looked at the two embracing, their foreheads leaning on one another, like they were each other’s lifelines.

It was almost as if they had both forgotten that_ he_ was there. 

Dot was the first one to pull away and then turn toward Alec, as if suddenly noticing that he was in the room. Alec noticed how her hands slid from Magnus's neck, gliding down both of Magnus's muscular biceps, to rest in both crooks of Magnus's elbows. Alec flinched. It looked rather _possessive_ to Alec. “Alec, how are things?” she asked carefully, giving him a searching look. She then turned to Magnus and they shared a look that Alec couldn’t read. Magnus’s facial expression looked resigned. 

Alec suddenly did not want to stay amidst all of this awkwardness. “Uh, I’ll be in the kitchen,” he said hurriedly, as he walked quickly out of the room. Upon entering the kitchen, he walked to the far end, where he knew they couldn’t see him. There, he leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes in anguish. They obviously had something they needed to talk about. But what? 

He could make out murmurs between the two. _Darling. Darling. Darling. _Dot’s voice reverberated in his mind, like some mantra that kept tormenting him. Wasn’t that Magnus’s term of endearment for _*him*_? Nice to know that it was just some cheap throwaway, Alec thought miserably. Slowly he edged toward the door opening. Magnus and Dot had quieted down, sitting on the couch facing one another. “Don’t you think you should tell him?” Dot was saying. Magnus was shaking his head, his eyes closed. “No, I’m afraid of what he might think of me,” he said in a trembling voice, looking down. Where they talking about him? Alec wondered. What was Magnus afraid of telling him? Dot put a hand on his arm, and kept looking at him intensely. “You need to tell him about me, about us, at the very least, darling,” she said in an insistent voice. Magnus raised his eyes to look at her. Even from where Alec stood, his look was intense as he gazed at her, with a serious expression on his face. “Yes,” he sighed. “I know.” His shoulders slumped, and his brown glamoured eyes grew incredibly dark and troubled, before they dropped completely, his brilliant gold eyes revealed. Alec’s breath caught – those eyes always had the power to unnerve him. “Ah,” Dot murmured in a sultry yet empathetic sounding voice -- incidentally, Alec did *not* like that voice one bit – as she took her perfectly manicured magenta fingernails and lifted Magnus’s chin so she could look directly into those eyes, “there’s my Magnus. Come here, darling. Everything’s going to be alright.” She drew him for an embrace, and it appeared that Magnus just allowed her to fold him in her arms, his body shaking slightly. Alec turned away, gritting his teeth as his stomach churned. He felt like he was intruding on a private moment between lovers.

Except, that was Dot's _private_ moment with _his_ boyfriend. Or_ ex-boyfriend_, he thought, sadly.

He continued leaning against the wall, his eyes closed, trying to keep himself composed.

"I guess I should be going now," Dot's lilting voice stated. "I'll talk to you soon?" Good, she's leaving, Alec thought with satisfaction. He peeked around the corner of the doorway, just to see Dot and Magnus holding each other at arms length, saying goodbye. He ducked back again, cursing himself. Man his timing was sure impeccable, catching these fucking moments. Ugh... As if his heart wasnt already in the trash, all chewed up. _Shit_. 

"Alexander?" Alec nearly jumped at the sound of Magnus's melodious voice, very close to him. Magnus had somehow gotten to the doorway of the kitchen without him noticing. Ugh him and his Warlock stealthiness. Alec slowly walked out of the kitchen and went into the living room. He couldn't help but eye the couch -- where Dot was sitting with Magnus before, giving such intimate looks, sharing intimate gestures... It was just all too much. He averted his eyes. 

Magnus looked at him questioningly, his eyes holding an uncertain look in his eyes. "Do you think we can talk?" he asked tentatively. "I need to tell you some things --"

Alec didn't think his heart could drop any further, but it just _did_. Anyway he suddenly wasn't in the mood to listen, or to be given any sort of _talk_.

"I thought we were *already* talking, Magnus," Alec stated stiffly. He sat down on the far end of the couch, and sighed, looking down.

Magnus swallowed hard, hearing Alec's coldness in his voice. All he wanted to do was to tell him what really happened earlier this week... and to apologize from the bottom of his heart for everything that Alec encountered in the past few days. It made him heartsick to think that all of this was due to him being the son of the Prince of Hell -- something that hadn't come up in discussion between them. And then this _had_ to happen. Magnus wasn't sure how they were going to get over *this*. 

However, they did manage to kill Samael, so, *thank* Lilith for that.

They both sat in awkward silence for awhile. Alec was the first to look up. Magnus was staring in his direction, his glamour down -- the Warlock with his cat eyes had never seemed so luminous or beautiful to Alec. Or looked so...vulnerable. 

_He didn't want to lose this. _

_"_Magnus," he stated finally, going over to him and sitting next to him. Magnus didn't say a word as he looked at him searchingly. Alec tenderly put his hand on the side of Magnus's face. Magnus at first stiffened, then leaned into his touch. The warmth of the contact suddenly made Alec's heart feel so full. Suddenly nothing else really mattered...

"Come here," Alec murmured, lifting Magnus's chin and looking into his luminous glowing eyes. Magnus looked back at him, overcome with emotion. "I love you, no matter what happens, I need you to know that," Alec said. "Wow, your eyes are so beautiful right now, just like you." Magnus inhaled as he smiled and brought his face to Alec's. Their lips met lightly, and it was as if a dam had burst. They simultaneously started clutching one another, pressing their mouths together, tongues in each other's mouths, bodies together as Magnus slot himself against Alec on the couch, both now lying down and rutting against each other. Their breaths were coming fast, uneven, but neither wanted to come up for air. Alec just couldn't get enough of Magnus's lips and tongue, which were fervently massaging the inside of his mouth -- or of his hands, currently under his t-shirt and moving all over his back and abs, creating electric tingles. He closed his eyes, relishing the sensations. Magnus's mouth lifted from his, and simultaneously he felt his shirt being lifted off his abs. Alec quickly sat up, and made good time peeling his shirt off his torso as he lay back into the couch again, his eyes never leaving Magnus. Magnus leaned in again, placing his lips on his Deflect rune, sucking so hard that it almost hurt, surely leaving a purple bruise behind, then started tracing a path down Alec's chest, tonguing and sucking each nipple until they were hard little nubs. Alec arched his back in response, and he felt himself getting hard. Magnus grinned at that response, came back up to give Alec a lingering kiss on the mouth, and then went back to making slow, excruciating circles on Alec's abs with his hot moist tongue. This was making Alec imagine how this tongue would feel on his hard dick, and Alec suddenly jerked upward at the thought.

"Whoa," Magnus murmured. "I've got you." Fingers enclosed each nipple and squeezed firmly, causing Alec to gasp, as Magnus resumed tracing his abs with his tongue. The arms traveled lower, slowly mapping the small of his back, then coming back around again to the front of his pants. Alec noticed, a bit embarrassed, that there was a huge tent in his pants and that Magnus was eyeing it laviciously, his face thisclose to it. Magnus took the clothed cock firmly in his mouth – Alec jumped at that – then took a deep breath and then sharply exhaled hot breath onto the region. Alec hissed as his hot breath seeping through the fabric onto the region enveloped him, and he felt precome pool at the tip. “Oh god,” Alec moaned, as he entangled his fingers in Magnus’s hair and pulled. “Mmmm,” Magnus moaned, using his mouth to massage the clothed cock while still holding it firmly in his mouth. Alec’s mind short-circuited as he lost himself in these sensations. Faintly he felt Magnus fumbling with his button and zipper, pulling down his pants and seeing Alec’s cock spring free, upright and red. “Just look at you,” Magnus breathed. 

“Get your clothes off, *now*,” Alec muttered in a guttural tone, his eyes dilated and full of lust. Magnus snapped his fingers, and suddenly he was naked, his member stiff and leaking. Magnus grabbed the base of Alec’s cock and licked a stripe from root to tip; then he proceeded to curl his tongue around the stem as he massaged the frenulum, up and down, up and down. Alec couldn’t even move…all the sensations were too incredible, hitting him all at once. His eyes dilated so extremely, they looked almost black with only a thin slice of hazel showing. “Nnnth,” Alec uttered as his hand held the back of Magnus’s head and slammed him down on his dick, making Magnus recoil slightly, but then he resumed licking and sucking. 

Wow, Magnus thought. Alec is *really* turned on! This thought made him shoot out a bit, making Magnus jump. Whoa, he thought, he did not want to come *this* soon, he thought. Alec may have his stamina rune, but he did not have anything of the sort. He’d better slow it down a bit. He glanced up at Alec just then, and noticed his super dilated eyes. He marveled at the spectacle in front of him. Alec looked beautiful, all undone, but somehow today there was something different about it. Had he ever witnessed Alec *this* turned on? There almost seemed to be an unearthly vibe about it, how *gone* Alec seemed. Then again, half the time when they were thisclose to climaxing, it isn’t as if they had purposely checked one another to see how far gone they were – usually they would just keep going until they both came…

“Fuck me,” Magnus suddenly heard Alec mutter. “Fuck me and split me open, warlock.”

Alec suddenly grabbed Magnus by the face, pulled him up and crushed his mouth to his, tongue probing deeply into his mouth. Magnus shuddered – he had almost come untouched just now. Damn, Alec. A second of confusion crossed his mind as he fervently returned his kisses. This didn’t seem like Alec. Alec calling *him* warlock – true, he had called Alec “Shadowhunter” as a term of endearment and all, but Alec had never reciprocated in this fashion before. Then again, theres a first time for everything, his mind reasoned. It *was* making him extremely hard, him being so authoritative. Also, they have both been under so much stress, it might trigger something like this. Anyway, no real need to question this.

_Maybe they both needed this. _Magnus took a deep breath as he disengaged from the kiss. “So you want me to fuck you, eh? Get in nice and deep, hitting your spot until you scream, eh?” he asked huskily. “Yup, warlock,” Alec responded lustily, and at this moment Alec almost did not even sound like himself, his voice was unusually deeper than usual. “Split me open, make me scream, Warlock.”

“As you wish,” Magnus said, winking. Magnus nudged Alec until he was on all fours, then took a moment to look upon Alec, half-gone by now, his eyes still super dilated, his body heaving in uneven breaths, his lips red and parted, and now his glorious looking ass in front of him for the taking. “Wow you are so beautiful, Alec,” he murmured, “Just look at you.” Snapping his fingers, he conjured up some lube and quickly lubed up three fingers. Using one finger, he worked one into Alec’s rim, which greedily sucked it in. “More,” Alec muttered, edging back onto it. A second finger was added, and Alec responded just as eagerly. Wow, it seemed like Alec wanted all of them in now – this was much quicker than in the past. Well Magnus wasn’t going to argue with that – he was getting very turned on by this, and he could feel his impatience growing. Well, he asked for it, he thought lustfully, as he plunged all three fingers into Alec’s opening, and twisted upward. Alec’s entire body lurched as he hissed, then moaned as Magnus started working his fingers in and out. “Nnnnth, nnnnnth,” Alec moaned, his eyes falling closed, yet wildly pushing back toward Magnus’s hand like he just couldn’t’ get enough. Magnus felt desire and warmth in his gut growing. Hmm time for the main event, he thought, as he pulled out his fingers and positioned his hard member in place against the ridges of Alec’s opening. 

“Do it!” Alec suddenly yelled, as he moved back abruptly, his rim swallowing Magnus’s member in one swoop. Holy shit, Magnus thought, almost losing his balance despite having that part of him secured. He managed to place one hand on the couch to steady himself. “Damn Alec,” he swore, “I’m not going to last very long if you keep this up, aside from using sex magic,” he muttered.

“Oh, I’m sure you can, warlock,” Alec muttered, his eyes still closed, his chest heaving as he thrust backward again, hard. Magnus jumped from that sensation, then put one hand on his ass to stop him, trying to control his breathing. “I thought I was the one doing the fucking,” he stated matter-of-factly. “In fact, I *am* going to split you open, Alexander.” He took a deep breath, drew out his member until only the tip was inside Alec, then slammed into him, hitting the side of his prostrate, but not quite. Alec whined, then screamed as Magnus hit his prostate the next time. 

The assault continued for the next few minutes, Alec continuing to scream, writhe, and moan. Magnus suddenly felt this glow and warmth emanating through his body – he really felt more in control right now, Now he felt like he could go for at least another hour or so. He continued pounding into Alec, and he could tell Alec was losing it – he started muttering unintelligibly as his walls gripped Magnus more tightly. This action only served to make Magnus even more turned on and he continued his assault. His own mind was short-circuiting as well at this time, man this was probably the best experience he had ever had. His member was as hard as a rock, and full of sensations and nerve endings which wouldn’t quit, the warmth was increasing. He couldn’t tell where Alec ended and he began. His eyes rolled as he continued to move forward, the sound of him smacking Alec against his buttocks and Alec continuing to mutter unintelligibly, his voice growing in volume, the area around his hard member increasing in heat and sensations. The words reached Magnus’s ears, as Alec’s words became more intelligible. His glamour dropped again, which signaled that he was approaching the height of ecstasy. His vision blurred, blacking out then seeing red amidst the black, tingling along his body traveling downward….

Simulataneously, the room started to spin around him, blurry red, gold, and the lights started flashing on and off as their desire intensified, his magic started swirling around them, twith the words coming out of Alec’s mouth getting more and more distinctive….


	5. Possessed! aka All the Legends Are (Unfortunately) True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things continue to escalate...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Graphic/almost hentai level

> **“Жин чыккандан байгени талап келип,Jin ç**

**baygeni talap kelip,”**

_An unfamiliar language was now being chanted by an unfamiliar voice, rough and guttural. _

_Upon hearing these phrases of another land, of a time long gone, the being slowly opened his eyes. Flashing lights hit his sensitive eyes for one second, making him shriek loudly, then it disappeared like fog, revealing visions of flames and sand around him in the region around him. _

_The body that he stared at before him, which he was thrusting in and out of, was bathed in a yellow and red glow. Well this wasn’t’ surprising, considering that those were Edomic colors; his eyes, as a demon, reflected all things, especially things that he desired, as those colors. Hmm, but this body was particularly interesting…there runes were all over this one and especially one at the neck. All lit up, and he wanted to bite and suck every single one. Not to mention his ass was glorious round and perfect, with his pink opening so very tight and ripe for the taking. Hm, this was surprising, he faintly thought. A Nephilim, he had never managed to ensnare a Nephilim before. He only had one memory of accosting one back way back when... He can't even remember exactly when...somewhere within the depths of his hundreds of years of life. But it had never gotten this far. _

_Now he was here, fucking one outside of Edom, fucking him thoroughly indeed. He also seemed willing, and super tight, gripping his length fiercely in all regions. He felt one of his red scaled appendages escape him, snaking in front to clutch the hard member in front of the Nephilim which was red, hard, and leaking. He fully enveloped it and tugged at the sensitive body part experimentally. The body jerked violently, leaving the Nephilim slack-jawed, as he let out a moan, and almost collapsed into the couch he was crouched upon.. This made the demon shriek in lust. That, and the perfect view he had of this Nephilim, on all fours as his slave, he practically was sawing in and out of th_ _e opening of this Nephilim, as all his appendages were now covered with scales. But there was no screaming of pain from the Nephilim, rather he seemed to take it, occasionally jerking out of motion as he shuddered and screamed, rather from ecstasy as his eyes rolled back. The demon bent forward just then to grab the hair of the Nephilim, and tugged at it roughly, eliciting more moans from this Nephilim. The demon shrieked appreciatively in response as sensations swirled around him, threatening to overcome him. Around them, the lights seemed to be flashing on and off, as if unstable. And below them, the couch was shaking like crazy as two bodies moved with a frenzy. He felt like he could do this for hours, hours...nothing ever felt this good as he could recall, and he was going to enjoy this assault. Technically many beings could not withstand the extended assault that a demon could place onto its victims, but special beings like Nephilims and other Downworlders were a different story, being that they were superior to typical Mundies and the like. He just *felt* like he wanted to wreck this one – who wasn’t even offering any resistance to the assault at this time…_

_He continued thrusting, sawing in and out of this Nephilim, getting great pleasure out of seeing his scaly member disappear into and come out of the tight opening which was getting redder and scabbed over with every motion, and having the Nephilim jerk, moan, and lurch as his long appendage firmly stroked and pulled him on his dick in front, securely wrapped by the demon. Again, he could totally do this for hours. Hell for eternity. To a demon, time meant nothing. He could, and would, keep doing this until his target of lust was *dead*. And then beyond that even..._

**_“__Жин чыккандан байгени талап келип_ _\--__“_**

** _чыккандан ч байг талап_ _\--_ _“_ **

_Hearing these ancient phrases uttered again, the demon felt scales emerge from his face, his tail unfurl and protrude, and his cock swelled up even more, accompanied with even more lust. He hissed as he felt something burning into his skin, albeit not unpleasantly -- he turned to look briefly at his shoulder, which had the first of a series of triangles being *burned* inot his skin. Ah a demonic rune, he thought, smiling. All the greater demon had them, guess he earned his today! Ecstatic, his_ _ tail started smacking this Nephilim, out of excitement, on his buttocks and body, drawing out more moans, even as angry red welts started to appear on the body on the Nephilim. As the demon continued to pound into the Nephilim, the Nephilim reacted to the increased size of the cock, his in both girth and length, with his body shuddering and arching madly. The tail continued to whip at its body, leaving stripes of red on his buttocks, lower back and shoulder blades. His demon appendage/tongue increased it's intensity and speed with stroking the dick. The demon felt it pulse madly, and the Nephilim's heart rate sped up so quickly it made him hyperventilate. At this point the Nephilim shrieked, not unlike a being from Edom. Then he suddenly froze, for a millisecond, and then collapsed from fatigue. The demon gazed at all of this, indifferent and a bit bored. How dramatically weak these were... Coming so quickly. What a pity, he thought, glancing at the cock of the Nephilim, which was now flaccid. Well he wasn't done yet. He made a clucking sound, and the Nephilim arose back on all fours, his ass back in the air, just taking the abuse as the demon gleefully sawed his scaly appendage in and out, in and out, unmercifully into the raw and red opening. So tight, so luscious..._

_He felt his eyes glow even more fiercely, as he increased his pounding. The Nephilim’s body just shook as his walls tightened against his member. It was enough to drive the demon crazy, shrieking again to the depths of Edom._

_His scaled appendage now headed toward the Nephilim’s neck, and massaged the tender skin with it's rough tip. The demon felt sudden warmth pooling in his abdomen as his lust increased. The appendage massaged around the neck, tracing the large rune on the Nephilim’s neck. The textural difference between the rune and the skin surrounding it created such lovely friction, the demon almost came upon stroking it just for a few minutes. Wow, this just added a whole new dimension to this whole thing. Massaging the rune for a little bit, he felt the Nephilim shudder and heard him moan. _

_The demon smiled. He loved playing with his toys. Playing with the target before ultimately killing it, was the ultimate ecstasy for demons. And strangulation was always the most slowest, excruciating, and extremely potent way to do it. As the demon pounded into the Nephilim fiercely, the demon shrieked again with lust while massaging the rune a little longer. He felt the cruel satisfaction of hearing the Nephilim’s moans, then feeling his body shudder, rise and fall, and his walls clamp down on his member once more. _

_Then the demon’s appendage wrapped itself securely around the neck of the Nephilim and squeezed slightly. Lust tore through the demon’s body, nearly making him collapse with overwhelming sensations. _

_The appendage squeezed again, a bit more firmly._

_The Nephilim suddenly gagged and coughed wildly in response to this unexpected pressure on this throat. A hand flew to the throat at the unknown object. His eyes flew open in shock, still unfocused. His *hazel* eyes..._

…wait…**Hazel eyes?**?!

His next thought materialized almost immediately.

**…Alec..?!**

“Alec?!!!!” Magnus rasped aloud in a whisper. He blinked.

Magnus was suddenly back down to reality, but still seeing flames and sand around him. The first thing he noticed was that he was behind Alec, him totally buried inside of him. Next his eyes were drawn to the long scaled appendage around Alec’s neck. _His _scaled appendage, coming out _from his own...mouth??! _Horrified, he released his hold on his neck.Alec had been in the process of being choked..._because of him!_

Then he noticed that his arms and legs were covered in red scales, along with a tail. _Also, his shoulder had half of something bloody carved into his skin, gross! But he couldn't focus on that, now -- _

“Oh my god, Alec!” Magnus screamed. He immediately jerked himself completely out of Alec -- whose body and rim looked extremely red, raw, and abused -- propelling himself so hard backward that he bounced off the armrest of the couch and landed on the floor. Stunned, he looked down at himself. He was covered in scales, including his member, which was huge, red and scaly as well. Holy shit, Magnus thought, his eyes widening. 

His hand flew to his face, which was also scaly by now. _What in the *name* of Lilith…_He had never experienced this before, or even heard of this happening. Something obviously triggered it, as all warlocks and lesser demons could pretty much get triggered/controlled this way by whoever knew of the scriptures; however it was frowned upon and forbidden since the ancient times. Granted some ancient scriptiures might have had such a spell, but the Angel Raziel had ordered all of them destroyed as this could result in the ultimate extinction of the world if demons under singular control were to overtake all existing planes.

He took a few deep breaths. He felt more relaxed now, and saw that his scales were disappearing, along with the extra appendage that had just been around Alec’s neck. Alec's neck still had red tracks where the appendage had been while strangulating him. He moved closer to Alec, who was just lying there, with marks all over his body, and his eyes half closed, unnaturally dilated -- with some apprehension. He had been _thisclose_ to strangling Alec in the throes of passion! Well, he hadn’t been himself, but still…! He also could not bear to look at how _he, as the demon_ had injured Alec, with how roughly _he_ had been penetrating him. What the fuck! He started willing his magic to attempt to heal him. The thought of what had just transpired had been so horrible, he did not even know how to reconcile this in his head…but how ---

"**чыккандан**

**Жин чыккандан, *gasp*—"**

Magnus felt his glamour drop once again, his eyes flashing, the scaled appendage (?!) shot out again from his *mouth* -- making him gag violently -- to grip Alec's neck tightly, making him gasp again, but also interrupting the guttural phrase in progress. He noted with relief that everything went back to normal now, including that accursed appendage from his mouth. Gross!!! The magic in the hands, however, had already turned from blue to fire red, sputtering out from hands. He couldn’t stop it. It hit Alec full force, who let out an unearthly cry, his body flying off the couch and crashing onto the floor. Magnus could hear him groaning. 

Magnus just sat there in shock; he had started to fall semi-conscious as the phrase had been uttered, but the physical effects had manifested much more quickly_. That phrase…it was that phrase_!! He had hurt Alec just now! Now that he knew what was the trigger, he needed to do something fast, before Alec muttered that phrase again, and he again couldn’t control his darker impulses… He muttered a spell to render Alec mute temporarily as he ran over to his lover, crumpled on the floor. 

“Alec!” he yelled desperately, shaking him. Alec was unresponsive, his eyes half open but still unfocused. His whole body shook as Magnus tried to shake him conscious. Finally Alec groaned. “Alec, wake up!” he pleaded. He noticed that Alec’s mouth had started moving again. He was probably still chanting the phrase. Magnus was glad that he could no longer hear it, as he willed blue magic into Alec. In minutes, the red welts all over his body and reddened, abused rim had healed. However, the red tracks on his neck, from the near-strangulation, had not disappeared. While Alec was no longer in pain now, or injured, now he would definitely still be sore – it was almost impossible to complete heal from a demon assault. 

An assault from _me_, Magnus thought, his heart dropping to his stomach. He put his head in his hands. _He couldn’t believe that he had hurt Alec._

At that moment, another thought gripped Magnus, something so horrible that it made him suck in his breath sharply. How *had* Alec come about those phrases? He had sounded possessed. But that had been impossible, since Samael had been killed. Usually a victim would not even be able to get to this point, unless a demon had…_had ---_

_Lillith, _Magnus thought angrily and desperately. He sank down onto his knees, shutting his eyes as the onslaught of tears and emotions threatened to engulf him._ “No, please tell me *that* had not happened.” _He balled his hands into fists, wanting to scream. It was one thing if Samael had violated Alec by touching and other things, like what he had witnessed that day. But to completely rape him…

_Lillith,_ _please tell me Samael did not rape Alexander. No, not *my* Alexander…. _

In the past, when demons had caught victims and raped them, with their seed entering their bodies, the victims would be passively possessed for a few days afterwards, where the demon could imbibe them subconsciously with instructions to do whatever they wanted, or to utter any spells, coming out during times of duress or extreme excitement. Magnus had never heard of this being applied, ever, even in his four hundred years of existence. And yet...

Egad, he thought, suddenly getting scared. He never thought something like this could ever materialize in this day and age. He *had* to make sure. He looked over at Alec, who seemed like he was just resting peacefully, in spite of the ordeal. Chances are, he would not remember what happened just now, with him, he thought gratefully. But Magnushimself would know. What he did, how much he enjoyed it. Even worse, how close he was with regard to killing him. That as the demon, he had *wanted* to kill him, slowly… “Oh my god, Alec,” he breathed, his voice shaky, about to burst into another round of tears. 

“...Magnus?

  
Alec’s groggy voice startled Magnus.

“A-Are you okay?” Alec asked. He had seen Magnus with a devastated look on his face, looking like he was about to burst into tears. He looked down, noticing he was completely naked. He also felt really tired, and sore everywhere – arms, back, legs, his opening…did they have sex ? It certainly felt like they did. But why couldn’t he remember it then? The last thing he remembered was that they were making out and Magnus was peeling off his clothing -- then he had blacked out. Which almost *never* happened. _Well, except for a few days ago…_He pushed those thoughts aside, unwilling to relive *_anything* _regarding _that. His priority was Magnus right now…_

Magnus did not respond, but continued to have a devastated look on his face. Alec sat up, and went over to Magnus, who seemed almost catatonic. “Magnus, it’s okay,” he said, trying to reassure his lover. He put his arms around Magnus and leaned in to kiss him. Magnus jerked away, as if he had touched fire. He edged away slightly, his eyes reflecting fear. Magnus was almost never afraid, Alec thought, his heart sinking. What was wrong?

Magnus finally spoke. “Alec,” Magnus said slowly in a clipped tone of voice. “What do you remember from the last hour or so?”

Alec frowned. “Not much,” he stated slowly. “I think I blacked out.”

“Do you know you addressed me as *warlock* when you asked me to fuck you? Like, “Fuck me and split me open, warlock?” Magnus deadpanned, trying to be sarcastic and lighten things up.

The look on Alec’s face was so horrified, Magnus regretted bringing it up. 

“What? Oh my god, Magnus,” Alec breathed, choking on his words. He wanted to cry. “I did not mean to degrade you like that. I know you hate it when people say that stuff to you. I am so sorry!!”

Magnus quickly went over to embrace Alec, who was now shaking a bit in his arms. “No, no, my love,” he murmured. “I know you didn’t mean it that way. Please calm down.” He held Alec until he had stopped shaking so much. Ugh, he thought. The conversation needed to continue. 

He took a deep breath before he spoke again.

“Alec, what do you remember about that evening, when we were dealing with Samael.” 

Alec winced. He didn’t call him Alexander. Something was *really* amiss here. So they were going to talk about this, now? He thought they would not need to talk about it, since they did end up killing Samael. “Uh, I think you *saw* what Samael did with me. To me,” he said haltingly. “Remember, you were there. You saw._ Everything_.” He closed his eyes, still ashamed that Magnus had to bear witness to all of that. Even if it was for the greater good.

“Did you pass out at any time during the ordeal?” Magnus continued. Alec’s mouth dropped open. How had he’d known?? “Have you had any recurring dreams or visions about the encounter?” Magnus continued to press. 

Alec attempted to restrain his emotions, as the memories of the thoughts in the shower the day after, came back at him. _ How he had almost came while touching himself in the shower, the sensations almost overpowering his own senses, reliving a fantasy he had about the demon. But that was all it was, a rape fantasy that he was thoroughly ashamed of. Who fantasizes about being raped by a demon?_ No one who was decent, did…

He would die before admitting that to Magnus. No, he could *not*, would *not* tell Magnus about that. .

“I’m not sure I am comfortable enough or at liberty to discuss that,” Alec muttered, not meeting Magnus’s eyes. Magnus’s heart broke. It pretty much sounded like his suspicions were confirmed. But he needed to try one last thing. He hoped and hoped that it would dispel his current notions.

“Could I – check your memories? It’s important, Alec,” Magnus asked desperately. Alec looked at him inquisitively. Magnus added hastily, “It doesn’t hurt. I just place both my hands against your temples and I look in there, that’s all.” What Magnus was not telling Alec was that warlocks could actually see beyond what had superficially been occurring. But he did not think it was necessary for Alec to know that at the moment.

“Uh, alright,” Alec said after awhile. He sounded uncertain. “I do trust you.” Why was Magnus acting so weirdly? he thought.

Magnus slowly brought his hands toward each side of Alec's temples. He pulled back briefly to look at his lover's face -- the face of Adonis, with doubt clouding his perfect features, but his adoration and trust in his clear hazel eyes, looking directly at *him* was paramount. Magnus swallowed the huge lump that had formed in his throat. It had been _bad_ enough when he had the "Dot" situation to explain -- but Alec had seemed to want to avoid talking about that altogether, closing himself off after Dot had left. Instead Alec had seemed to prefer to use the physical to create closeness instead of the talking. Which was exactly how he himself was like, most of the time. However, this time it had been vital to *talk*. Instead he had been persuaded by Alec's desire for them to propel things along -- and look where that got them. Well, mostly _him_. He winced again as the realization that that scaly tongue had protruded from his own mouth hit him again. He had made Alec *come* using that nasty thing...

Wasnt he just as bad as Samael now? Or even _worse_ of a monster since he had practically started to choke Alec while fucking him? And whipping him with his tail? 

He looked directly at Alec as he brought his hands close to his temples. He leaned in to kiss his soft lips lingeringly. "No matter what," he whispered. "You are the one. I love you for always." Alec grinned just then. An innocent, trusting grin -- when Magnus said it just like that, he knew that Dot wasnt in the picture. Now he had no idea why he ever suspected it. When Magnus spoke to him like this, he knew that Magnus meant every word. He was his, and vice versa. 

Magnus just stared at Alec's loving, heartbreaking grin, and he could almost cry. He wished he didn't need to do this. 

_But he *had* to.._

As soon as his fingers touched his temples, Alecs eyes rolled back so only the whites were showing, and his body went limp in Magnus's arms. Image after image flashed through Magnus's mind..._ Samael clutching Alec while Alec watched Magnus, still angry but worried that he had gotten caught by the demon, Alec resisting the kiss Samael had forced upon him, but then passing out as Samael put a spell on him to kiss him back, and hope disgusted Alec felt afterwards and even more shame, the horror Alec had felt upon finding out that Magnus and Dot had been physical earlier that day...Samael__ taking a claw to the Deflect rune and the shame Alec felt while reacting to it physiologically, his dick twitching in response to it. His getting very sad and anxious how jealous Magnus had been getting as he was trying to distract Samael when he had been trying to get his seraph blade... His absolute relief when he realized Magnus still loved him -- _Magnus teared up at that. 

He paused as the feelings overwhelmed him. Then he took a deep breath and started up again...

_Samael getting turned on when Alec was luring him in with the seductive voice. I'll show you how to be properly fucked, Nephilim, Samael's omnipotent voice reverberated in his mind. __Magnus_ recoiled in horror as the voice seemed to be in his own mind at that moment. But he couldn't stop this until it was completely done._ Samael grabbing Alec, massaging his neck and Deflect rune with his long tongue, rutting against Alec, then his tongue going into his pants to pull at his member, Alec thrashing around in unwanted pleasure from it... Him flipping Alexander over, and Alec *passing*out..._

_Alec *had* passed out. Fuck.._

_The next images were foggy, as if almost invisible to the naked eye, but in these memory visions it was like having something detect heat signatures and having them visible..._

_All too soon, Magnus w_ _atched, biting his lip, as Samael had flipped Alec over so they were back to back, pulled down his pants, got on top of him with Alec facing away from him, and attempted to penetrate him with his thick and large member. Alec was resisting, trying to push him away. But Samael held him down, squirming...and in the end, Samael won out. Alec gasped and wheezed as the thick hard member forced itself into him, and Alec just flopped about like a fish out of water, his eyes rolling back in resignation, as Samael laughed in victory and just started plunging into him, hard and repeating, Alec continually to flop like a rag doll..._

_Help me! he could hear Alec screaming silently. Help me!!_

_Then another voice of resignation and tears..._

_OmgMagnusimsorryiloveyouiloveyousomuchididntmeanforthistohappeniamsosososoverysorryMagnus_

Magnus's eyes widened at this, as all forms of speaking or thinking left him. He blinked back tears and put his fist in his mouth, stifling a scream. This was his _very_ worst nightmare. _Unfortunately, after all of that, Alec was trying very hard not to react, but his body betrayed him... in turn, he screamed, he moaned and writhed, he jerked about as he was thrusted into, again and again, He also jerked forward as the long appendage, which had wrapped itself around his dick, ever pulling, pulling and pulling. There were sounds that Magnus never thought he would hear, come out from Alec. And the words..._

_fuckmeharderownmesplitmeopenyoucanhavemysouldamnmetohelljustkeepfuckingmeohyeathebestilleverhavewreckmetodeathiamyoursfuckmefuckwreckmetodeathdemontakemysoultoedomanddamnmeforever_

_Magnus watched the vision in horror as Samael pulled the orgasm from Alec with the last tug, making Alec roll his eyes and collapse in exhaustion...and then the appendage went straight for Alec's mouth and started fucking him there as well, so he was filled up at both ends...Alec gagged but moaned and sucked and gagged and moaned again and arched his back and kept sucking -- ugh,_This lasted way too long for Magnus's comfort, as he braced himself for the inevitable. _Eventually Samael shuddered, leaned over to bite Alecs neck sharply, as he came into Alec, the nasty white fluid spilling out of Alecs opening, as well as mouth. Samael laughing as Alec choked on the volume of fluid that filled him up...then Alec fell limp, his eyes closed, for a second, before becoming alert again, and then he was able to focus on Magnus, who he suddenly noticed was watching him..._

_Fuck, _Magnus swore, incensed, feeling his eyes turn fire red. Alec had pretty much invited the demon to fuck him, after being forcibly penetrated. He sucked in his teeth, feeling heartbroken as tears sprang to his eyes._ Oh Lilith..._ He was about to close off the connection when images of a naked Alec also emerged while he was in the shower. Eh? Magnus thought, getting hard looking at the images. But soon his expression turned to one of horror as he saw Alec pleasuring himself in the shower, to the memory of the demon fucking him, his eyes nearly as black as a demonic being, those words coming into his head again. Alec was far gone, beyond gone in any familiar ways that Magnus had ever seen him. Shocked, Magnus recoiled at those images, and he gasped, falling back and hitting the floor, the connection now broken.

The next second, Alec had regained consciousness. And he was looking at Magnus with confusion. Magnus looked pale, as if he had seen a ghost.

"Well, did you see anything new?" Alec's innocent question slammed into Magnus's heart like a ton of bricks.

Magnus closed his eyes. This is all my fault, he realized despondently. I let Samael in. I made myself vulnerable. He messed with me, and then he got to Alec. Isabelle would never forgive me. I let him in, he defiled Alec. What kind of boyfriend am I that I exposed him to dangers like this? You are a menace to him, Magnus Bane. 

_You don't deserve to be with him._

_You don't deserve to be with anyone. You with the connections to Edom... Anyone would be in grave danger, being with you. Who would want to be with you? _

_You can't stay with him. Look what he's endured because of you. He also doesn't know what *you* did to him while under that spell. Are you actually going to ever tell him? And watch his loving smile turn to disgust at the monster that you were, and are?_

_Care to lie to him for the rest of his life about that?_

It was all too much. Magnus's head was spinning. But he still needed to confront Alec about his experiences with Samael... Alec needed to know. He owed him that. To see how much, if anything, that Alec recalled when in the shower...

"Alec," he managed to gasp, despite the dizzy feelings overtaking him, "what did you feel while in the shower that morning?"

Alec's eyes took on a scared, deer in the headlights expression. There was silence for awhile. Then Alec spoke. "You saw that, huh?" he said, his voice flat. His eyes had gone cold. "I thought you weren't going to go further than when I was in Samael's clutches."

"W-Well intially I did..." Magnus stuttered." But I have things to tell you about that as well..."

"Oh?" Alec said. He narrowed his eyes. He didn't like where this was going.

"I don't know how to say this," Magnus began slowly. "But whatever you think you saw in your visions, actually happened." He watched Alec's facial expression, which had remained stoic. He sighed. "I'm so sorry Alexander."

"What? What do you mean by that, Magnus?" Alec demanded. "What did you see?" 

Magnus did not respond. He felt like if he were to say it, he would just break down...

"Show it to me," Alec demanded. "Your memories of what you just saw." Magnus shook his head vehemently.

"If you love me, you will do this for me," Alec stated with conviction. Magnus sighed. He just had to use the L word, which was his weakness. 

His hands shaking, he brought Alec's fingers to his own temples. Alec's body lurched forward as Magnus's eyes rolled back. 

An eternity later, or what seemed like one, Alec had leapt back, inadvertently shoving Magnus away from him. They both landed on the floor, Alec's eyes were wild and distraught, while Magnus's were full of tears. They spilled down his cheeks and into his mouth, and he coughed violently. Alec had started coughing too, but for different reasons -- he was bent down, retching violently, vomit all over the floor in front of him. Then once there was nothing left, he kept gagging, his face turning red with effort. The look on his face was one of disgust, and hatred...

Magnus just kept staring at Alec, suffering, his eyes tormented with what he knew now...

_You did this to him,_ his mind kept repeating in a loop in self-damnation. _You don't deserve to be with him. __You don't deserve to be with anyone. You are a monster. _As these voices grew louder, he realized what he needed to do. 

"Alec," he finally said, as Alec's retching grew less, and Alec looked up, his eyes glassy and mouth covered with drool. Alec wiped his mouth with his hand.

"I-I'm so sorry, Magnus," he whispered, his eyes downcast. "Please forgive me..."

Magnus's face remained impassive, as if he did not hear Alec. "I think it would be better if you went back to the Institute. You should not be here, around me," he stated, devoid of emotion. 

Alec looked stunned just then. "W-What?" Alec said. "N-No, Magnus, I want to be here with *you*."

"I'm no good for you. I pose great danger to you; as long as you are with me, you will always be some sort of target. You need to stay with your own kind. You aren't good for me, either, enemies will see you as my _weakness_ and try to get to me through*you*," Magnus continued coldly, lying through his teeth. Ugh, his heart was breaking...

Alec was stunned at Magnus's cruel words. His heart tore and bled.

"Magnus! That is *not* true. Kiss me, and then tell me that!" Alec shrieked, hysterical now. "_Magnus_!". He lunged at Magnus, crushing his lips to his, pouring his whole heart into it. Magnus was about to go mad, and just about to give in, seeing Alec this distraught. However, the voices inside his head just wouldn't stop looping. 

_You don't deserve to be with him. _ _You don't deserve to be with anyone. You with the connections to Edom... Anyone would be in grave danger, being with you. Who would want to be with you? _ _You can't stay with him. Look what he's endured because of you. He also doesn't know what *you* did to him while under that spell. Are you actually going to ever tell him? And watch his loving smile turn to disgust at the monster that you were, and are?_

_Care to lie to him for the rest of his life about that?_

With all his effort, Magnus pushed Alec away. "Leave," he said coldly. He flicked his fingers, and a portal opened. "Go back to the Institute. This place is no longer welcome to you."_ You are doing what's best for him. If he actually knew what *your* part was in all of this, he would eventually leave you anyway,_ his mind said, trying to ignore his heart currently being torn in two.

Alec just stared at him, tears overfilling his eyes. Magnus has never been so cold to him before. He just felt too defeated to fight anymore. "As you wish," he said slowly. HIs shoulders slumped, he walked toward the portal. He didn't look back as he stepped through it. Whoosh! The portal closed, and Alec was gone. 

Forever. 

Magnus watched the portal disappear, and his steelness just crumpled. His shoulders shaking, he fell to the floor, crying his heart out. He was no good for anyone. He was a monster. He deserved to be alone. Eyeing the whiskey decantur in the bookshelf - the accursed whiskey that had started the chain of events, he thought about getting a stiff drink and forgetting. Instead, he walked over to the cabinet, and took it out. Magnus let forth a heartbreaking scream, as he threw the whole thing against his balcony, where the decantur shattered into a zillion pieces. 

Just like the shattered remains of his heart.

**************

Meanwhile, Alec had stumbled out of the portal, and found himself looking blankly at the NY Institute. He felt nothing, just hollow inside. So this is where Magnus thinks I belong? he thought incredulously, wiping tears away bitterly. I don't even belong here anymore. The loft was his home...and now he was cast out. Because Magnus thought he was a freak. He had been _raped_ by a demon, who would want him anymore? 

Magnus sure didn't. _He wouldn't want himself either. _

The Institute was actually the *last* place he needed to be. He needed to be anywhere *but* here.

He quickly took out his phone, and texted his sister Isabelle, making up some excuse as he lets her know that she’s to be Head of the Institute for the next few days. Then he shuts off the phone, and tossed it in the deep part of the bushes.

He won't be needing this, where he's going.

Wherever he ends up going.

He took out his stele, activated his Speed, and Anti-Tracking runes. Then he thought a moment more, and ran his stele over one more rune. Suddenly all his runes disappeared. His hair color and eyes also changed color, along with clothing and accessories. Now he was sandy haired with blue eyes, wearing glasses (to further disguise himself), a regular bomber jacket, t-shirt, and jeans -- as nondescript as any Mundane walking the streets of New York City.

No, he did *not* want to be found, or to be recognized. By *anyone*.

Taking a deep breath, and wiping his tears away with one hand, he turned to run. 

_*Whoosh!*_

He was gone in an instant, disappearing into the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/comments? suggestions? :) I read everything and I do consider suggestions if they are awesome. I welcome it all. thx!
> 
> _________
> 
> Please note: No translating or inspired works of this fic without explicit permission from the author. Thank you


	6. Melancholy/Shades of Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And when the fog's over and the stars and the moon come out at night it'll be a beautiful sight." 
> 
> But before then, it's just going to causes lapses in judgment and clear headed thinking...

_**Darling,** please take my hand_  
_Please get up, rise to stand_  
I can't be the one to sing your song  
**_'Cause I believe it's not your fault_ **  
** _Don't be scared, you are my rock_ **

_Nothing's gonna hold **you** down for long_

_Sometimes we break **so beautiful**_  
_And you know you're not the only one_  
** _I breathe you in so sweet and powerful_ **  
** _Like a wildfire burning up inside my lungs_ **

_I'm burning up  
I’m burning up_

_In good time, you'll come to know_  
** _When you release, when you let go_ **  
** _You can find yourself where you belong_ **

** _You're not a curse, you're not too much_ **   
** _You are needed here, you are enough_ **

_And nothing's gonna hold you down for long_

_Sometimes we break so beautiful_  
_And you know you're not the only one_  
_I breathe…_

_"Wildfire" (Alternate Version) - SYML_

______________

The night is clear, but a melancholy setting covers the sky. The stars blink furiously as if trying to keep from raining tears.

A lone figure sits by the edge of the harbor with the blue lights by Battery Park City. The effect of the night tide rolling the dark waters in is in itself magnetic, like black oil rolling effortlessly in practiced waves toward shore. It is hypnotic, and he cannot stop watching it. It soothes his soul, which is otherwise tormented. It's been a few days hes been off the grid, and he still has no direction._ He has no anchor. _

He lost his anchor when he was asked to step through that portal - into this current situation of jagged emotions and heartbreak.

The only good thing, he muses, is that apparently he's been successful with going incognito. There hasn't been any search, or anyone wondering where he is. Well, at least from what he's been able to discern from his remote sources. He has not heard anything, or sensed anyone even remotely approaching him. Then again with everything turned off, along with complete change in appearance, no one would even be able to recognize him even if they were to run straight into him, even by accident. He knows the glamour is a temporary one, he has to redo it every 7 days or so. He will do it for as long as he needs to -- until he figures out his next course of action.

He looks up at the sky and the stars, which seem to reflect his current mood. Out of the corner of his eye, he spies a deep fog rolling in from the edge of the horizon, about to blanket everything in its path..

How is that the universe knows what I am feeling? the individual wonders.

He closes his eyes as he breathes in the cool crisp night air. Forlornly he looks out to the horizon, as his head fills with thoughts of someone.

_How he wishes that person knew that he had been more than_ _enough for him_. _He had never needed any of the extras that came with it all. _

_He only needed to bring himself...along with the colors and wonder and happiness that always seemed to trail someone like him --things that he himself had never even known *existed* prior to meeting him. Before him, his life was shades of grey, no music whispering past his ears, in his dreams, in a voice, like a wonderful tickle in the air that would touch his soul, a feeling that only he would suddenly sense come out of nowhere, making himsuddenly look up, and there he *was*, appearing like magic, either through a portal or even by the stealth that all warlocks took pride in having. _

_His one and only, smiling at him as if he was the only one in the world who mattered. Whose love he would fight to the ends of the earth for -- and who would fight for him, in kind. The one who made his heart sing..._

_His own heart will sing for only one._

_Nephilim only love *once*. That is a fact that not too many know, but it is the truth._

_For as long as he shall live..._

A few miles down the Hudson river, someone stretches out his elegant figure in a lounge chair at a balcony - perfectly manicured black fingernails clutching a Martini glass. 

He brings the glass to his lips, and sucks the drink down slowly. The liquid inside the glass trembles, as does his hands.

His hands have been trembling for the past few days, ever since ---

He doesn't want to think about it right now. He wills them to stop, as blue magic swirls against them. The trembling stops. But only temporarily, and he knows they will start up again. One day, they will stop trembling, of their own accord. _Someday._

_Someday,_ he will be used to _*him*_ being gone. 

_Or maybe you just won't get used to it at all,_ a voice suddenly boomed inside his head. Ragnor? His eyes widened, and he almost falls off his chair.

_What happened to fighting for love? You broke your promise to me...This isn't like you._

_You don't know the things that have happened. Or what I have inflicted, he argued silently, as his heart tore apart even further. _

_You just don't hurt the ones you love...I need to keep away from everyone_

_No, the voice argued back. We all know how you are, by nature. You would never have hurt him if you had been in control. That was a fluke._

_Was it? he retorted. I wanted to *kill* him while fucking his brains out....and I knew it. How much of a fluke was it, really? _

_I can't risk it..._

Radio silence. 

_Well, boy, _the voice finally spoke again,_ i can't do much more than give advice. I'm dead, after all. Just know that I am always here for you. _

_And I do advise, please go after the boy. _

The presence dissolves from his mind.

Against his better judgment, his gaze travels and lingers on things --

On _that armchair_, over _that side_ of the bed, over _that side_ of the closet.

Over those books in the bookcase that he loved to pore over for hours.

Everything has an indelible imprint that is his. _ Including the one still seared into his heart and soul. _

The pressure at the back of his head increases, and a tear slips down his face.

He puts his head in his hands, and sobs uncontrollably. 

************************

_(Two days later)_

"Hey, don't you think you've had enough already?" It's so hard to lift his head up, as the bartender acknowledges him with a searching look. It's not a look of concern, he thinks, all bartenders will just make small talk like that, especially if they think you are at the point where you might have the potential to cause trouble. But he didn't think he had been all that belligerent tonight. Basically people tried to talk to him, and he would give them a look, okay maybe a snarl or two. Besides, who needs people around? He just wanted to be alone. With his drinks. How many were there? Six, seven, eight? He had lost count awhile back. 

A brief flash of a morning way back when, popped into his head just then -- of a night where he had had six to eight drinks. That night seemed like a lifetime ago...back then he had not known of the promises that life was holding for him, as a wonderfully glittery warlock had bared his soul to him after talking to him all night. It had been like a breath of fresh air, like the sun breaking through heavy clouds after days of gloom and rain. That was the night that he had fallen in love, even before he knew what that feeling was… 

Ugh, why did he even think of that memory, of that night. All it brought now was heartache. He was so different, so closed off, so innocent back then. Everything was so starkly different now, tarnished now, damaged. 

He needed to leave, now. He pushed back the stool he was sitting on, stood up – and collapsed on the floor. His head was suddenly spinning, he suddenly felt groggy, and he felt the bitter taste of bile rise up in the back of his throat. Yuck, he thought, and with all his effort he swallowed it down. He didn’t want to make a scene, even as his groggy mind was telling him that he shouldn’t give a fuck if he did make a scene right now.

The bartender was suddenly at his side, holding him under one arm. “Do you have someone who you can call?” he inquired. The bartender moved his face closer, near his neck again – did the bartender just take a deep whiff of his neck and sigh? he wondered in his groggy state. Deciding to dismiss that as an overreaction, he shook his head. “No, I don’t. Actually, I am pretty much on the go right now. I kinda don’t want to be found,” he found himself saying in a daze, before he could stop himself. The alcohol was really taking effect right now, and he felt loopy.

“Hmm, I think I have a place you can crash at, well at least until you feel better enough to get back on your feet. No one knows about it, I think you’ll be safe to hide out there,” the bartender murmured. “By the way, I’m Michael.” The smile that emerged from the bartender was suddenly blindingly beautiful – actually his whole *being* was beautiful with his blushing cheeks and pale skin and rosy lips. He was blown away by it. A dreamlike feeling settled over him, and he could barely move.

“Come on, let’s go get a cab,” the bartender said. 

No arguments there, he thought dreamily, as he allowed the bartender to help him up. “Oh wait a moment, I need to get my jacket,” he said, as he slowly made his way to the coat rack. Suddenly he felt much more alert all of a sudden. Stealthily, he took out his stele and ran it over runes quickly, strengthening his Mundane glamour, as well as making sure that no one could track them. Then he put on his jacket quickly, and walked back to the bartender, who smiled blindingly and gazed intensely at him again. The dreamlike feeling returned all of a sudden, and he stumbles.

Something falls out, but no sound is apparent, and it is soon forgotten.

“Whoa you ok?” asks the bartender, reacting with fast reflexes to catch him in his arms. “I am, now,” he murmurs dreamingly, looking up to smile at the bartender, who still has him in his arms. The bartender gazes at him again, sniffs the air deeply, then smiles even more brightly. His eyes are growing more and more heavy, as he drifts in this dreamlike state, with this now really gorgeous looking bartender holding him in his arms. Really friendly too. The bartender grins and leans slowly forward, and barely touches his lips with his own, before giving them a slight nip and then running over the site of his lips with his tongue. He hears the bartender breathe in sharply after doing this. Then he dives in and does it again, the nip lasting longer, the tongue a bit more insistent, running over his lips. The tongue travels a bit to the neck, but then the movement stops, as if the bartender is pondering something, and then the mouth is on the lips once again.

An electric sensation pulses through his veins at this contact, causing him to take in his breath sharply. “Um,” he murmurs, “I’m not sure I’m supposed to be doing this –” As the bartender grins and leans back in again to touch his lips to his again, he finds that he has completely forgotten what he was saying. All he knows right now is the tingling of his lips as contact is made, again and again, with the slow nipping at the lips, and the tongue over the surface. The kisses do not progress beyond that, but they tease at the edge of his lips, almost entering his mouth but never doing so . They all leave him breathless and dizzy all the same. Did he *want* the kiss to get deeper? He couldn't decide at this moment. But if they do this for much longer, he just *might* want to...

He doesn’t know how long they just stand there, just doing that. But eventually the cab comes. The bartender looks at him, and says, “After you.” He smiles, takes some steps, and practically falls almost facefirst into the backseat of the cab. 

The cab driver looks at them. “Is he going to be okay?” The bartender smiles, “He’s in my care, he will be okay.” He steps in and helps him to a sitting position. The guy is practically leaning into his shoulder/neck area as they sit/snuggle, and the bartender smiles as he leans in to kiss him again and nip him on the lips as he ends by tugging on his bottom lip. Then sucking his bottom lip and tugging again, a bit harder, while entangling his hands into his hair. The guy sighs, body and mouth responding. It just feels way too good. His glasses wobble and fall off the bridge of his nose. He feels the bartender lick into his mouth, finally, and he sighs and returns the kiss passionately. 

The cab then drives away into the night.

On the ground, where the cab had stopped, there is a stele lying there without its owner. 

*************************

(Two days later)

On a Queen Anne sofa in an unknown place, a young man is sprawled across it, his limbs half limp and hanging off. He doesn't seem to notice though, as he seems dazed, his eyes half closed and his lips half-parted and rosy red. His sandy hair is in disarray and his glasses are on the floor somewhere -- they dropped to the floor earlier in the night when guests were over and they were knocked off his face. His button down is also half unbuttoned, hanging off his frame but he also seems oblivious to that as well.

Everyone seemed nice though, he thought faintly -- the people who had come and gone the last two days or so. Somehow they seemed like they couldn't get enough of him as they always seemed to be hovering, venturing very close to him, whispering and singing pleasant sounding hellos before bestowing tiny kisses all over his face, neck and shoulders. They kinda felt more like pinpricks, maybe a dragging of the mouth or teeth over the skin, but not really all that much worse than that. But they seemed to all take their leave once Michael came back, his eyes luminous and his mouth in a full pout.

"Baby, you came home with me, remember?" he asked. The young man managed to grin, even as his mind was still halfway in a dream.

Michael smiled softly as he leaned forward to nuzzle the other's full lips in a barely-there kiss, nipping at the plump lips a bit. Then he sucked at the spot, and the young man gasped softly as sensations arose from just that small amount of contact. It made him dizzy, even dizzier the longer Michael did this to his lips. This continued for a while, although for exactly long, he couldn't say. Finally Michael disengaged, and the young man finally felt like he was able to breathe normally.

"How do you feel?" Michael asked softly.

"Good," the guy murmured softly. "But I'm so very tired right now." He sighed.

"Time for bed?" Michael asked. "MmmHmm," the guy hummed, nodding somewhat, already halfway toward sleep.

He could already barely hear what Michael was saying, he felt like he was floating deeper, deeper somewhere, and all his senses were fading at the moment. He did not care though, he loved this feeling and was content to remain this way. "Let's get you out of these clothes, eh? You've been in them long enough," he vaguely heard Michael saying. A hand went to his zipper, and the young man's hand went to it, out of reflex. "Hmm okay, so not ready for that eh? Michael hummed. "Okay, maybe tomorrow then." 

He sat down on the sofa, and continued to take off the guy's shirt, so that his chest and abs were revealed. "Ooh, nice," he said, as he traced a slow wet stripe over the muscular shoulders and chest. The tongue slowly traced its way toward his nipple, and then he suddenly sucked hard on it. Wait, was there teeth on it? And there was the slightest hint of sharp edge but the more Michael sucked, the less he felt the sharpness of it, only the feelings that remained. Firm touch of hands snaked into his hair and tugged, at first gently, then harder as the sucking increased. Slowly Michael lowered himself so that his torso was now lying half on the other guy as he increased his advances.

As this progressed, Michael's eyes grew brighter as the hint of redness slowly flowed into his eyes, and a trail of blood appeared at one of the corners of his mouth. He swiped it away with his tongue. Wow, this Nephilim's blood was mindblowing since he had gotten a taste back at the bar He just couldn't get enough!_ He couldn't believe his luck. _

The other guy mewled, arching his back at the various sensations, some of which were heading toward his groin incredibly quickly. He raised one leg to wrap around Michael's torso, bringing him in closer. His unruly sandy hair flopped over one side of his face as he shuddered, lips parting further, as Michael's tongue entwined around his in his mouth, then back on his lips, his neck, back down to his nipples. The kissing, the biting, the hot breath against his skin...He shuddered again, feeling himself sink further, further, further toward oblivion and ecstasy with every kiss. He felt powerless to resist him. There was the slightest, tiniest thought at the back of his head that what was happening right now was _so, so incredibly wrong, and that he shouldn't want this_....that only one person used to do this with him -- 

_....but he cannot, for the life of him, remember his name. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song at the beginning of this chapter seemed kinda fitting as a song Alec's heart would sing to Magnus, even though they are currently miles apart in both heart and distance.
> 
> "...You're not a curse, you're not too much  
You are needed here, you are enough.."
> 
> _________
> 
> Please note: No translating or inspired works of this fic without explicit permission from the author. Thank you


	7. Sometimes We Break...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone eventually starts to notice that Alec is not just taking a break, but seems to be MIA  
Underhill finds something that confirms fears.  
Meanwhile, Raphael Santiago, the Head of the New York Clan, decides to pay a visit to the newest Vampire den by the river, and makes an interesting discovery in the den, and when he is on his way back to the Hotel DuMort.  
Alec is very weak. He starts to unravel, unable to hold up the glamours currently in place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to [Nadja](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee) for being an unofficial beta on this. Seriously, you rock! Love you.

Isabelle leaned back in the leather armchair at the desk, lost in thought. Her glance fell upon the stack of papers at the corner of her desk. As the Interim Head of the NY Institute, she had many things on her plate today. 

But her mind was not on her work at all at the moment. 

She had not heard from Alec at all, since that weird text. She had tried to call him back after a day of not receiving any response to her initial text. Every time, his phone jumped straight to voicemail. So weird, she thought. Alec never turns his phone off. 

As she has done for the past few mornings, she clicked on her phone, hoping to see a text from Alec today. She peered at the screen. Her text response to Alec is still the last two messages she texted, from 5 days ago:

_“Uh, okay. Can you tell me what’s going on though?” _

_“Holding down the fort. No worries. Are you okay though? Haven’t heard from you, please call me. Humor your younger, incorrigible sister.”_

Still nothing. Izzy couldn’t help the uneasy feeling growing in the pit of her stomach, that something is very, very wrong…

There was a knock on the door.

“Enter,” Isabelle said, strengthening her posture, all business. Underhill ducked his head in. "Got a minute?” he asked.

Isabelle nods, and motions him inside. “What is it, Underhill?”

Andrew has a steeled, controlled expression on his face, and his posture is poised like a soldier. His eyes, however, are darting around the room, as if he is nervous. Isabelle suddenly feels a lump in her throat. Is it bad news about one of our missions? she wonders.

“I don’t know how to say this, but we may have a problem,” he said. It sounded like he was trying to keep his words and voice professional and steady, but Isabelle could hear an underlying fear behind them. Even before the last few words registered in Isabelle’s ears, her eyes were drawn downward to the object grasped in Underhill’s right hand. In fact, he was grasping it so tightly, his knuckles were white, the grip full of tension.

It was a phone…that suspiciously looked similar to_ Alec’s_. 

What? she thought, alarmed. She looked up into Andrew’s face, who could no longer keep his composure, and seemed like he was struggling to keep it together.

“How…where did you get that?” she gasped. Alec did not normally give people his phone to hold.

"I found this in the bushes on the side of the Institute," Underhill said slowly. “I was hoping you could confirm that this wasn’t Alec’s phone...” He trailed off as he noticed the look of apprehension appearing on Isabelle’s face, her dark eyes starting to glisten. “Oh boy,” Underhill said, letting out a long sigh. “I guess it _is _his phone.” 

Silence permeated the air, with Underhill continuing to look very uncomfortable, and Isabelle looking a bit lost.

Underhill cleared his throat. “Isabelle -- “What does this mean? Tell me,” Underhill insisted. Was his boss -- and daresay close friend -- in some kind of trouble? The thought of it made him ill.

Isabelle slowly lifted her head, her eyes glistening and sad. Dread and apprehension started flooding throughout her body, and she took a few deep breaths before speaking. "Alec texted me 5 days ago, saying he needed a break, so I was to take charge of the Institute. I texted him asking why. And he never, ever responded. I mean, I thought that was weird, but I didn’t think to try to find him. I actually thought he had gone to stay with Magnus, or they went to take a short impromptu trip or something. I was trying not to bother them with anything."

_Fuck,_ she thought, furious at herself, while her concern and worry grew. She should have tried to contact Magnus as soon as the uneasiness had seeped into her bones. Also, Magnus had been scarce – which was unlike him. Usually she would have gotten at least a text or two for him…but now she realized that he’s been MIA as well…

No wonder why the last few days had felt really off.

"Well, it doesn't seem like he took his phone with him," Underhill said, concerned. "Should I organize a search party?" he added, seeing Isabelle in the midst of falling apart. 

She is just staring at the floor, her mouth pressed in a straight line, her hands clenched into fists. Ugh damn big brother. So stubborn. Of course, he would go ahead and do something like this! He must be in trouble, she thought, her eyes widening. Her worry started to take over her initial feelings of anger and annoyance. 

Then her ears picked up at Underhill’s mentioning for a “search party.” No, she thought. The more that knew about this, the more likely that news would reach the Clave. And she didn’t want them involved. That would end up being more trouble than it was worth.

“Let’s not involve any Shadowhunters just yet, Underhill,” Izzy said firmly. “I’m going to try to see if I can get a hold of Magnus. I’m also going to see if our common friends know of anything,” she stated. 

Underhill nodded affirmation, and touched her forearm as a sign for comfort and good luck. She smiled weakly. Underhill turned on his heel and left the room. 

Izzy’s shoulders slumped and she let out a big sigh.

“Oh, big brother,” she whispered, “What have you gotten yourself into?”

*******

The night is clear by the Hudson River. It's quiet here, perhaps a little too quiet for the time. It is early evening, and tourists are normally flocking about in this area. Perhaps the recent opening of the new bar Lair by the Downworlders (vampires, to be exact) has had a hand in that…

Raphael Santiago, the head of the NY Clan, suddenly emerges by the newest vampire den by the Hudson River. He had received intel from an anonymous source that there were some newbie vampires running this, and wanted to come introduce himself. Funny how he has never met them before this though – usually he prides himself in getting to know everyone firsthand. 

He sniffs the air curiously-- there is a strong scent of angel blood. His senses immediately hones in toward the den. 

_Nephilim_. There's no mistaking _that_.

There’s a _Nephilim_ in the den? 

His eyes narrow, filling up with blood, and fangs emerge from his mouth involuntarily from blood lust as all his senses are suddenly flooded. Just as quickly, he shakes his head, snapping out of it. It takes all his strength and willpower to do so.

_No_, _he does not lust for Nephilim blood. _

And especially not after the fiasco with Isabelle Lightwood and the yin fen incident, where he had almost lost control of himself, having become addicted to her blood. He had nearly lost her as someone special in his life because of that. He swore to himself, going forward, that he would never lose control like that again. 

But right now, this current situation was highly suspect.

Usually if there were guests in the den, they ventured into the den willingly and without being coerced. How did any vampire manage to do this, to convince a Nephilim to come in? 

Everyone is aware of what happens at these dens beyond the exterior, even if it was not spoken aloud. Raphael had also made it a point to mention to all vampires about fraternizing with certain beings – especially Nephilim. Their blood was extremely potent and addictive -- which could potentially become their downfall if they became dependent upon it. And with that, it increases the risk of their activities violating the Accords, especially with how strict these laws have become with regard to these types of what they call _predatory_ activities. They were just generally frowned upon. 

Raphael raises his hands to knock on the iron doors of the den. Before he can do so, the door opens. A tall, handsome blond vampire smiles softly. No, Raphael had definitely not met this vampire before. "Ah, the Head of the New York Clan. Raphael, I presume." 

Raphael nods. "I see that my reputation precedes me. And you are...?"

The vampire extends a hand. "I'm Michael," We have just been kind of busy setting up shop so to speak. I've also been bartending down at the Lair by Battery Park City. Business is good, I'm happy to report. Won't you come in," he offers graciously.

Raphael steps inside. The walls are a velvety red, with red Queen Anne sofas in a circle around the perimeter of the main room. Mirrors, for decoration rather than function, hang on the walls, one under each sofa. In the far right corner, there is a small room where the reserve stock (blood bags) are kept. In this main room, there are vampires sitting alone or with individuals, cuddling and sucking. And there is a huge rotating circular bed, also covered with red velvet and small mirrors on the side. The atmosphere feels cozy yet with a sense of death.

Raphael's eyes are drawn to the man lying spread eagled on the circular rotating bed, with two vampires with him. Correction, they are _on_ him, and _tending_ to him. He is clad only in black boxer briefs, showcasing a firm torso with firm muscular arms and legs. _Nephilim, Raphael thinks. _But curiously enough, no runes are on any part of his pale skin. He does notice the minute bites all over the Nephilim's face and larger ones on his body, which mar this vision of absolute perfection. His sandy hair is unruly, his glasses are on his face but kind of askew, his clear blue eyes dilated to the point where the black part takes up most of his eyes, his cheeks are pale, and his pale lips are parted. Nothing is keeping the Nephilim there, no chains, no ropes…and yet the Nephilim is not making any attempt to escape. 

Raphael watched the two vampires take their fill of the Nephilim. He understands how _intoxicating_ it is. As much as the feeding can make the victim feel intoxicated and in love with the vampires; the vampires can also get the _same_ feelings from feeding. There is a female vampire currently by the Nephilim’s lower region, one running her hand with long fingernails delicately up and down his leg, daring to get close to the groin area and then down again, as her teeth seem attached to his inner thigh right below the boxer briefs hem. The Nephilim appears to shudder from the delicate touches, and sighs as the vampire licks and sucks at the bite point. The other vampire, a male is at the right side of the chest, his fangs surrounding the nipple, sucking, biting, tonguing it with small, then medium strokes, lazily lapping and tracing on and around, as one hand snakes up through the Nephilim’s thick sandy hair and pulls at it, causing the Nephilim to jump slightly. The other hand rests on his chest, then slowly inches to the other nipple to give it a pinch, and the Nephilim’s body shudders with every minute touch, eliciting a moan from the pain inflicted by the pinch. Giving his right nipple one last tug with his fangs and slow lick, the vampire raises his head to glance briefly in the direction of the door of the den, before bringing himself up to the Nephilim’s mouth, and attempts to tongue the Nephilim on his lips. Once, twice. The Nephilim, feeling this sensation on his lips, arches his back and rotates his neck with a moan, and attempts to meet the vampire’s mouth and tongue with his own, as his eyes close, following a sharp intake of breath.

A loud, threatening _hiss_ suddenly erupts a few feet away. “**_Hey!”_** the vampire called Michael hisses. Raphael, who is next to him, _jumps._ The hiss was_ that_ loud. “You can’t do that, he’s **_mine_**_.” _Michael bares his fangs at the insolent vampire, who immediately retracts, a disappointed look on his face. The vampire reluctantly climbs back down to the Nephilim’s torso. 

Raphael resists the urge to smile. Ah, sexual jealousy was _so_ amusing. So Mundane, in all meanings of the word, he thought. Being asexual by nature, he was not privy to such concerns now. And having lived for such a long time, he has had many loves for whom emotional ties he has shared with others, without issue. His thoughts stray for a bit to one of the individuals whom he has cherished for a long time, his oldest, most longtime friend Magnus, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. He was like a father to him now…having been there shortly after he was turned…

Raphael shuddered, as the recollection hit him unexpectedly.

Hmm actually, it had been a little different with _him_. **_Magnus..._**

_During that time, Raphael had nearly taken his own life, right when he was first turned – he hated himself, he hated his sire, who had taken his mortal life from him, and at the time, he thought his mother as well. He had, in a fit of madness, ravaged his sire to death, then almost flung himself in a patch of bright sunlight right at dawn. But Magnus had swooped in to redirect him, for better or for worse. And then brought him his mother back to him, and for the next 40 years or so, he had happily resided with her and his family until her passing. And throughout all of that, Magnus had been there, unassuming, in the shadows, always there when he needed him. Raphael may have been asexual, but he could **love**. And for the longest time, he had felt he was **in love** with Magnus. Magnus was like the **light **to his **darkness**. He was beautiful as an omnipresent being with a beautiful soul. A being wholly beautiful, both inside and out – that was really rare to find. He was dependable, and he was there for him. _

**_That type of love,_** _to the point where he did come close to feelings resembling jealousy whenever Magnus ended up with paramours that would take up his attention, or their conversations whenever they would meet, or took him away to different lands. During those times, Raphael would just listen, and nod…or just stayed where he was, as Magnus traveled far and wide – until Magnus happened to come by again. Slowly, as the years went by, and especially after Magnus took up with that selfish, indulgent Camille, who incidentally had also been a vampire – there was a time when Raphael almost lost respect for Magnus due to the willingness he allowed his exgf Camille – also a vampire, of whom he had extreme distaste for -- to exploit his money and his feelings, and then Raphael was finally was able to let go of **that type of love** he had been feeling for him all those years, and traded it to become a compassionate friend and son-type that Magnus needed when heartbreak arose for him. Raphael had still loved Magnus just as strongly after the Camille incident, but now only as a father figure, the proper way he should have been feeling all these years ago. _

_There was nothing he wouldn’t do for his Papa now; he owed him so much. _

The thoughts of Magnus had also entered Raphael’s mind for another reason, he realized. Right, because of his current relationship with a Nephilim, Alec Lightwood, who was also the Head of the NY Institute. 

His attention returned to this Nephilim in front of him. How strange that this one had no runes, and had sandy hair. Had he ever met him before? He did recall meeting a light haired Nephilim awhile back at the Hunter’s Moon when he was there with Isabelle – Underhill, was it? But he definitely had not been wearing glasses, nor did he have blue eyes. This whole thing was strange…

“Penny for your thoughts,” a smooth voice interrupted Raphael’s thought. He turned to face Michael, who was all demure with smiles again, a far cry from the hissing, threatening being he had become just a short while. Raphael made a mental note to watch him – this one with his insolent temper, could potentially be trouble. 

But, for the sake of cordial relations, he was going to file that observation away for later. 

Michael followed Raphael’s gaze to the Nephilim who was still being feasted on by the two vampires, as they indulged in small, lingering touches practically anywhere they liked. Well, almost anywhere. Certain parts of the body were still kept sacred. _Right, because he’s mine_, Michael thought possessively, glancing at the Nephilim’s parted lips, slightly heaving with breath. He felt an aching _need_ in his groin and heart – the Nephilim had still refused to allow him to touch him in the way that he had wanted to ever since they met. He could totally indulge the Nephilim in the ultimate pleasures that a vampire could provide, if only he would let go. But so far, despite how loopy the Nephilim would get, every night, he would still demur, and now he was getting a little bored, itching for someone much more compliant and willing. 

Of course, he could always just _take _him – _claim him._ It wasn’t really his style though. However, it’s not as if the Nephilim has exactly fought back any advances in the last few days whenever he got close to him…He’s definitely thought about it. Imagining feeling that firm Nephilim flesh under his fingers, the firm roundness of that ass. He would run his finger gently along the ridges of the opening, probing and feeling the tightness of that ring -- how pink and how luscious it must be. How the Nephilim would probably jump as he licked and sucked at the opening, fucking in and out with his tongue…Or how much his body would _clench_ as he put in one finger, two fingers…ah three. He felt that part of himself hardening just from the _thought _of it. Finding that sensitive part inside and really taking a good rub and twist at it and really making the Nephilim submit to him. The thought was just delicious, _so delicious…_and he’d be lying if he told himself he had not thought about that length on the Nephilim. Rutting against it, which had been a complete and utter surprise the first night, when the Nephilim had wrapped his legs around him – that hardness had been such a turn-on…and it was so big. He had almost come immediately when he had done that. It had taken all his self-control to not reach into the pants to grab and stroke it, or to play with the engorged head and tip. And he could imagine the many ways he could put that length to use…or the orifices that it could go into, stretching spaces open, and the delicious friction it would produce.

Wow, he was so turned on right now it wasn’t funny. _It almost hurt, even…_His breaths came out extremely hard and ragged all of a sudden, his hard-on raging and protesting against the front of his pants…

“Ahem.” He heard Raphael clearing his throat, which brought him back to reality. Right, there was a time and place for certain things. Maybe he would prod again a bit later, when there was less of an audience. He closed his eyes, willing down the arousal. 

Right, back to business.

Well, he could offer at least a little something to the Head of the New York Clan. “Raphael,” he said softly, “If you would care to indulge in a little sweetness while you are here, you are welcome to his neck,” he purred. "Only the best for the leader of the NY Clan.” He waved the other two vampires off for now, and they scrambled off and to the side, just watching with wide eyes, half dizzy from their intake of blood. Michael sauntered over to the Nephilim, ran one hand through the unruly hair, then yanked his head up, causing the Nephilim’s mouth to drop open a little more widely. At that motion, the Nephilim smiled faintly. 

Raphael stares, maybe a little too long. _There’s something eerily familiar about that smile, _Raphael thinks. However, he can’t place it right now. He shakes his head. Maybe it was just a trick of the light.

Raphael blinks. Somehow, he is suddenly standing next to Michael and the Nephilim. Michael yanks the Nephilim's head a little more forcefully, baring the Nephilim's neck. Raphael's senses and blood lust suddenly go crazy, ringing in his ears. Visions of the jugular vein, pumping with fresh blood cells -- _Nephilim blood cells at that_ \- the scent, the visuals...fill his brain, vision, ears, like a never-ending loop of maddening pre-orgasmic desire that he cannot stop. As if in a trance, his eyes glaze over as he becomes dazed. He feels his fangs come out involuntarily, and as if in a dream, his head jerks down, forward, _fast_ \---

_And then just as quickly (!!)_ he **_yanks_** his head back up abruptly, so abruptly that he gets whiplash, stumbling backwards. His eyes grow wide. Oh my god, that was close! 

Michael just looks at him impassively. He shrugs, "Suit yourself, maybe next time," he says dulcetly. He lowers the head of the Nephilim until his head is back on the sofa. He lifts the Nephilim's face, cupping his chin and looking at him. "Hey you," Michael says. The Nephilim's eyes open a little wider, recognizing Michael's voice. "Oh, you're back," he murmurs, but so inaudibly, only Michael's and Raphael's vampiric hearing could make it out.

Raphael thinks he's going crazy. Even the voice sounds vaguely familiar! But it’s not so familiar that he would recognize it completely, Raphael hasn't talked to many Nephilim since he stopped seeing Isabelle regularly

._..this situation was definitely odd indeed...!_

Michael leans in close to nip the Nephilim's lips lightly, then harder with every successive nip. The Nephilim sighs, then emits a moan as Michael brings him to a sitting position, now leaning against his shoulders and side. Michael lowers his mouth over his, pushes his tongue inside and kisses the Nephilim in a forceful, passionate way. The Nephilim's arms go around Michael, more for support than reciprocity. Raphael even notices that the Nephilim isn't really kissing him back, but just allowing this all to happen. Passively.

Raphael averts his eyes, not being able to witness any more of this. "Michael," he says, nodding as he takes his leave. Michael meets his eyes, acknowledging his leave for a second, before turning his attention back to the Nephilim, whom he is still kissing, sucking at his lips, biting, and then sucking again. 

Raphael decides to walk back to the Hotel DuMort to collect his thoughts, especially with what he just witnessed at the den. He still thinks there’s something very strange about it all. As he is lost in thought, he nearly stumbles over an object. He blinks twice and looks down. He surveys the object carefully. It is a stele. He recalls the Nephilim in the den.

He picks up the stele and places it in his pocket for safekeeping. He needs to drop this off with the Head of the NY Institute. Perhaps they have been looking for this…and maybe even for this Nephilim who is currently unidentifiable…

He activates his vamp speed, and he is gone from sight.

*****

The vampires have finally gotten their fill, and all are lying on the couches in the den, satiated.

The Nephilim, lying in the center of the room, is high on vampire venom...for days now. He doesn’t even know what day it is, where he is, or when he came. He can hardly move. The vampires have been feeding on him for days now. Did someone he know, walk in today to see him? He was so close at one point; he had felt almost compelled to reach out and touch him. But his arm would not move, and so he didn't.

He is losing more blood than he realizes. Aside from being dizzy from venom, he is also starting to become dizzy from loss of blood. He is blacking out more frequently from this than the euphoria.

He gasps quietly, too quietly that no one can hear.

"Mnus," he manages to mutter. He still has no idea where that is coming from. 

He just somehow felt an urge to say that just now...

_Where can I go_  
When the shadows are calling  
Shadows are calling me?  
What can I do  
When it's pulling me under  
Pulling me underneath?  
  
It's getting close  
I lose control  
It's taking over  
  
I'm slipping into the deep end  
I'm in over my head  
I can't catch my breath  
I'm slipping into the deep end  
Feel the current within  
I can't help but give in

_…demanding his soul…._

He feels his glamour slipping a little. He has no strength, or will to keep it going the way that he has…

His eyes feel heavy, oh so heavy...they roll back as his vision grows blurry, blurrier still- --

…then slowly to_…_black

.**..**

**...**

**...**

“Argh!” Jace suddenly crouches over in his place around the table at Ops. 

His body contorts, and his face takes on a horrified expression, as if in tremendous pain. He collapses to the floor.

Isabelle and Underhill rush to him, alarmed. 

"Alec," he gasps, as his parabatai rune throbs. Isabelle gasps. “No!” She leans raggedly against the table, and is shaking her head furiously, nearly in tears. Underhill had immediately grabbed her by the arm while holding her up, otherwise she would have fallen over as well, not from pain, but from grief.

Jace yells in agony, then whimpers. “Alec isn’t dead, thank the Angel.” he manages to gasp.

Isabelle breathes a sigh of relief. She misses the flash of gold in Jace’s eyes.

_Alec isn’t dead, _Jace thinks_…but something is **very **wrong. _

_“Alec…!” _

_His rune throbs incessantly, desperately -- reverberating throughout his soul._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics in the last part of this chapter are from Ruelle's "Deep End" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C3ND1nitRs


	8. Unraveling at the Seams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael finds Isabelle, and they discover something's amiss with both Magnus and Alec. They need to find both of them...NOW.  
Meanwhile, Alec's glamour is starting to fade...as is Michael's patience with him.  
Raphael goes to consult with Catarina, while Isabelle desperately hunts down Magnus, who seems to have done everything to ensure that no one can find him. Well...almost *everything*...

_Whoosh! _

Isabelle’s hand automatically shoots up to grab the fire message which had flown into the office, without her even looking up. 

She brought it down to eye level to read it---

**“Hola, Isabelle, mi amor..."**

Isabelle looked up in surprise, upon hearing the very familiar, gravelly low tone that she would know anywhere, anytime. Her heart also leapt, simultaneously. There was no way that she wouldn’t recognize the voice or presence of the Head of the New York Clan. 

_Raphael Santiago. _

Her eyes met his intense ones. 

Her breath _caught_. 

When their meetings were unexpected, they always had that effect on her. They had so much history together -- especially after the yinfen situation – when they had decided that it was best to stay scarce from one another indefinitely. There had been too much drama from all their loved ones – Alec, Magnus – upon the fallout.

But still, she would be lying to herself if she told herself there were no more feelings. It was quite the opposite. No man or being had quite treated her with as much tenderness and care as Raphael. Not even Meliorn. 

And this was even without the physical intimacy, as Raphael was asexual by nature. But she had cornered him…tempted him. She had tore at her arm, into the juicy vein which she knew he absolutely could not resist. She will never forget his tortured eyes, filling up with blood, as he surrendered to his impulses, and sunk his fangs _deep_ into her arm…her eyes rolling back, _her consciousness nearly going** black** _with the intensity of the sensations…

She shuddered at the memory, taking deep breaths to calm herself down.

She would forever feel guilty for pulling him into her _darkness_ – for putting him in that impossible position to want to bite her for her own selfish reasons, and then making him _addicted_ to her blood.

Which is why they needed to be apart in the first place. 

But still…could she allow this moment to reminisce, and maybe to give him a hug? She wondered if enough time had passed for that to be allowed, without him reacting to withdrawals or temptations….

“I see you got my message,” Raphael said softly.

"_Your_ message?" Isabelle furrowed her brows at that, questioningly.

"I ran into Underhill outside the Dumont, and he helped me with that,” Raphael said softly, his eyes crinkling, trying to suppress a laugh. He had run into Underhill shortly after making a quick stop back at the Dumont. The fire message had been sent, and then Raphael had decided last minute to vamp speed it to the Institute, to see if he could beat the message. 

Alas, it _had_ beaten him. 

He couldn’t help smiling to himself. 

The games immortals play in order to amuse themselves, he thought wryly. 

Then he remembered why he had come. He put his hand in his pocket, fingering the stele that he had found. This would not be good news, no matter if Isabelle knew the Shadowhunter or not. Shadowhunters normally do not lose their steles – not unless they were kidnapped or even worse, dead.

“Raphael,” Isabelle said softly, breaking into his thoughts. “It’s good to see you. It’s been a long time.” she ventured, deciding to take a chance. She walked around the desk until she was about a foot away from him. She gazed at him, her heart suddenly pounding. 

Raphael gulped at the earliest look she was sending his way, and closed his eyes. Yes, Isabelle still had that effect on him – and god knows she was too fine of a person -- way too good for the likes of this damned soul. He cringed, as the feeling of futility washed over him, as it has been doing for years following his being turned into a vampire. Since he was fifteen, and then the long years which followed, it had been the same old story. Ugh.

But he needed to push past his current, unending despair of this wrecked immortal life, and focus on the matter at hand.

At that moment, Isabelle held out her hand. To him. 

He looked at it curiously. It rendered him mute. What was she trying to do? He was confused. Hmm maybe she had already read the fire message? He did mention the stele in it.

He reached into his pocket, slowly drew out the stele, and slowly placed it in her hand.

Huh? Isabelle just looked at it blankly. “W-what is this?” she asked, her voice a bit shaky.

“Isn’t this what you wanted? I found this. You held your hand out. You guys keep lost steles right? You read the message?” Raphael inquired.

“No, I wanted to---,” Isabelle faltered. She had wanted to take his hand in hers…She wrestled with her own inner feelings for a minute, as she idly looked at the stele in her hand, ready to put it away in the drawer.

A small detail on the stele made her heart stop. She stared at it, hard. The etchings of a tiny bow and quiver were engraved on the side…

…Alec.

**Wait…Alec??!**

Isabelle was suddenly standing up straight like the soldier that she was, her dark eyes flashing. “How did you get this, Raphael?” she demanded.

Whoa, that’s a change in attitude, all of a sudden, Raphael thought. He was taken aback by her sudden change in demeanor.

“Alec has been missing for almost a week now. No one has heard from him, and Underhill found his phone in the bushes next to the Institute,” Isabelle stated. “And now, you come bearing his stele…” Isabelle’s voice trailed off. She suddenly had a huge headache, and her eyes were filling up with tears. _What did this mean???_

“Alec…he’s missing?” Raphael started feeling faint as her words registered. “Did I hear you correctly?” 

His mind is suddenly a flurry of thoughts, scattered all over the place. All he can think about is the vampire den now, and how there was an unidentified Nephilim staying there – maybe even trapped here – with the new vampire Michael jealously guarding him. Then more memories flash into his mind – of Raphael thinking that the Nephilim’s _smile _– not to mention his _voice_ – had been even a tad familiar, too familiar – that it had given Raphael pause at the time. He had not pushed it though, especially not after Michael had shown his aggressive side in general. Raphael preferred to keep the peace. But his patience was not infinite. 

It would run out, seriously fast, if he thought any of the people who he cared about was in _danger_.

"Where's Magnus?" Isabelle's next question broke into his troubled thoughts.

_Papa?_

"Actually, I haven't heard from him in days," Raphael said thoughtfully, his brain now racing madly, as certain facts were coming together from all different places. He would usually hear from Magnus every other day or so, even if only by text. But he _has_ been MIA... and Raphael had not thought it significant at the time to pursue further. He just thought Magnus had been preoccupied, and especially since he was seeing Alec now. 

But this situation suddenly seemed so _very_ different. 

Alec Lightwood was _missing_. Magnus was _MIA_. What the fuck...

"Let's try to find him. Maybe he's with Alec?" Isabelle suggested. She quickly scribbles a fire message and sends it off.

Raphael takes out his phone and calls Magnus. Isabelle watches him do so, a sense of desperation growing within her. Her hands grab the stele so tightly her knuckles turn white.

_Straight to voicemail._ "Dammit," Raphael swore. Magnus would always pick up if it was _him_. He quickly scanned his text messages. Nothing.

Isabelle suddenly had an idea. "Maybe we can try tracking both of them," she stated. "But not with Jace's parabatai rune. Jace has missions coming up, and it weakens both of them whenever we do that. It's a lot of stress on both souls..." She trailed off, not wanting to ponder the other situations... If Alec was _severely_ hurt or _weakened_, who knew if he could even _survive_ such a summoning...

"Great idea. Hmm I will contact Catarina," Raphael said. "You want to come?" 

"Hmm I think I'm going to try to pay Magnus a visit," Isabelle stated. "Keep me updated, if anything?"

She had stepped forward, so she was only inches from him. He could sense the blood pumping through her veins, through her carotid, and the other large artery and veins throughout her body. His whole body stiffened. But... 

It wasn't nearly as urgent as before. "Ay dios mio," he murmured. 

Isabelle heard that, as well as saw his shoulders sag in relief, and smiled. "I trust that's a good thing?" she murmured. She steps in, closer still, and now boldly takes his hand. His hand felt cold, as usual, but the fire in his eyes as he lifted his gaze to hers, was _unmistakable_. They both lean in, their faces now just inches away. Their foreheads touch. It is such a delicious sensation, it makes Isabelle swoon. She boldly leans in further still, until her lips just barely grazes his. 

He _shivers._ He feels his fangs start to emerge, as her mouth is sweet, her scent intoxicating. But he wills them back. He doesn’t want to hurt her. Not now, and not ever again.

He does, however, allow his lips to touch hers. Their lips move a little bit against each other. She sighs…

He knows they are tempting fate, tempting…everything. He closes his eyes - struggles with all his might, against his vampire nature, to keep this moment free of danger, free of concerns. This is a moment of intimacy – _and as close to a love as he’s had in ages_ \--- between them. 

_You can do this, Raphael…_

They both shudder and gasp quietly. Nothing has gone away, none of the feelings. The feelings are still there, burning like embers, ready to be lit into flames at any time. Raphael is the first to pull away, and sees Isabelle, a tear falling out of her eyes. He gently wipes it away. "We are going to find them, mi amor. _Both of them_," he whispers. 

She nods. 

She takes a deep breath to compose herself. 

"I'm so glad you are here, Raphael," she murmurs.

Raphael can't _help_ himself -- he leans in again, and just holds her, kissing her hair. She melts against him. They last like that for what seems like an eternity, but actually for a few minutes. It's all they need.

"Okay," she breathes. "Let's go."

************

Raphael runs into Catarina in the front of her apartment door.

“Raphael,” Catarina says, surprised to see Raphael at her door this morning. She had just finished taking Madzie for a walk outside, and was about to walk in.

“Catarina,” Raphael says, nodding. “I need to speak with you. Do you have a moment?” His eyes lower to the little warlock girl who is holding tightly to Catarina’s hand, her eyes as big as saucers as she looked back at him, slightly apprehensive.

He kneels down to face her. “Hi, Madzie. I’ve heard about you, from my _papa_ Magnus,” he said softly. At the mention of Magnus’s name, the girl’s face brightens. She shuts her eyes, opens them again, throws up her small arms, and gold and purple glitter emerge and fly upward, raining down on both of them like soft rain.

Raphael laughs. “Yes, that’s Papa, alright.” She beams.

Catarina regards this display with much amusement, a small smile twisting around her lips. As Raphael gets up from his kneeling position, her attention is directed back at him.

His face is serious. Her brow knit together in concern.

“Come in,” she says gently. 

They all walk in, and she motions for him to sit on the couch.

He explains what has happened – his visit to the den, the unidentified Nephilim, his finding the stele, his talk with Isabelle. He watches her facial expression grow from curiosity to horrified. Her eyes widened.

“Oh my god -- Alec,” she breathes. Over time, she had come to consider him not just Magnus’s boyfriend, but also as a friend in its own right. He also adored Madzie, and would always jump at the opportunity to babysit.

“Alec? What happen to uncle Alec?” a small voice suddenly said in a worried tone. They both look down. It’s Madzie, her large eyes looking up at both of them with concern.

Catarina ruffled her hair affectionate. “Not to worry, little one. Mama just needs to help find Alec. And uncle Magnus,” she said. Raphael suddenly felt a lump form in his throat.

“I wanna help!” Madzie stated suddenly, looking up at Catarina with wide, imploring eyes.

“We’ll see,” Catarina said to her sofly, patting her head again. “Let Mama try.” Madzie nodded, but her shoulders sagged in disappointment. Raphael laughed as she stuck out her lower lip, pouting.

“I need something of Alec's, and then Magnus,” Catarina stated. Raphael withdrew the stele from his chest pocket. He thought a moment, and then withdrew a purple handkerchief square from his jacket lapel. Magnus had given him that decades ago, shortly after they had met. He had never removed it from his jacket.

Catarina nodded. She took the stele, and concentrated on it, brows furrowing. An eternity.

"I see his face.. but not where he is, actually. And there's something off about how he looks," Catarina says, gasping as she sits back, exhausted. 

"I'm sorry, that's all I can do." She looks resigned.

Raphael looks down. Isabelle's going to be so disappointed, he thinks sadly.

*******

_On candy stripe legs the Spiderman comes_

_Softly through the shadow of the evening sun_

_Stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead_

_Looking for the victim shivering in bed_

_Searching out fear in the gathering gloom and_

_Suddenly_

_A movement in the corner of the room_

_And there is nothing I can do_

_When I realize with fright_

_That the Spiderman is having me for dinner tonight_

_Quietly he laughs and shaking his head_

_Creeps closer now_

_Closer to the foot of the bed_

_And softer than shadow and quicker than flies_

_His arms are all around me and his tongue in my eyes_

_Be still be calm be quiet now my precious boy_

_Don't struggle like that or I will only love you more_

_For it's much too late to get away or turn on the light_

_The Spiderman is having you for dinner tonight_

Cold fingernails dig, like blades, along the scalp, and grab his hair by the roots. Alec's eyes fly open. It takes just a second before he realize that his clothes are all gone; he's _naked._

And Michael's face is _thisclose_ to his. Alec flinches, trying to move away from him. But the grip intensifies, fingers tangling in his locks, and Alec's head is yanked back so_ hard, _the pain brings tears to his eyes.

Michael hums softly as his eyes scrutinize Alec carefully. Then he starts to speak, in a soft voice...

"What happened to you? You were so soft, so willing before," Michael murmured, loosening his grip. Now he is running his fingers through Alec's hair, which is still sandy colored, but now it looks like he has thick sandy highlights over his raven locks. The glamour is slowly going away. Alec's Deflect Rune is also back, and Michael's eyes dilate at the sight of it. It is right above one of the juiciest veins on the body, and he salivates at the thought of it.

Alec's eyes, still in the middle of changing back, with one blue, one hazel at the moment. Michael notices this with some amusement. So, it was all a disguise -- interesting beings, these Nephilim, he thinks.

Alec's eyes_ flash. _Michael see the _fear_ in his eyes. 

A day or two ago, there had been love. 

He must be low on blood, Michael thinks. Or rather, vampire venom. Either way, he's weak.

Well, we can certainly fix the vampire venom bit, he thinks. He climbs on top of Alec, bracing himself as he holds himself up, both arms and hands on each side of Alec's body. Alec attempts to push him away, but he is too weak, and unsuccessful. He groans softly as Michael presses the weight of his body to Alec's, their faces only merely inches away. 

"Behave, and don't move, like a good little angel," Michael murmurs as he cups Alec's face and forces him to look into his eyes. 

Alec feels dizzy again. 

He is unable to resist being encanto'd, but he doesn't completely lose all control of his actions. However it does render him nearly unable to move. Michael kisses him slowly, nipping at his lip and sucking in blood. Now Alec feels the entire sensation, and it _hurts_. He winces. Michael slowly moves down Alec's body, his tongue tracing down and around each nipple, playing with each of them until they turn into hard little nubs. Then Michael edges each of them with his fangs. Alec gasps as the involuntary sensation shoots up his spine at the contact. He gets hard, a reaction which doesn't go unnoticed by Michael. 

He grins lasciviously as he reaches down and grabs Alec's length and starts to pump it slowly. Alec tries to kick Michael off. Michael's face changes to one of impatience. "so this is the thanks I get? You're the one that needed a place to stay. Fine, we will do it this way, it's faster anyway..." His face is suddenly next to Alec's groin, he grabs the base of Alec's cock, and licks a stripe up and down Alec's fremulum. Alecs body lurches as he bites his lip, hard, unable to keep his body from reacting. Pre-come pools at the tip. Michael grins upon seeing that. "Let's see how you taste," he murmurs as he did his tongue deep into the slit, and then swirls his tongue around the base of the head. Alecs body archs again, and Alec's breaths are suddenly ragged, his chest heaving. He hates what's being done to him, how his body is reacting. Then Michaels mouth takes him in, entirely, in one fell swoop, and Alec nearly loses all control of his senses as he feels his head hit the back of Michael's throat. Then again. And again.

He feels Michael taking his finger and tracing a slow line down the drive if Alec's ass into the cleft and gingerly touches the ridges of his opening. 

Alec flinches. 

"Don't," Alec breathes, "i don't want --" 

Michael pops off, and turns Alec to the side. Michael suddenly plunges his finger in, without lube, without preparation, and it _burns_. Alec screams at the intrusion. But his cock is now impossibly hard. 

He _needs_ release. 

Michael looks at him with a touch of sadness and evil in his face. "Sorry it needs to be this way. It could have gone so much better," he murmurs, as he reaches into his pocket, takes something small out, and his hand ventures to Alec's groin area. Something is clamped right by his balls, excruciatingly tight. It's a cock ring. "Now you're really going to feel the real meaning of torture," Michael whispers as he lowers his head to inbetween Alec's legs. His fangs emerge, and he swiftly bites Alec _hard_ on the inner thigh, where a huge artery is located. And starts sucking, _hard._

Alec's screams echoes throughout the den. His vision blurs, then fades...

****

"Did you find uncle Alec?" Madzie asks plaintively. The little warlock girl had come up to them again. She looks at Catarina, who is exhausted from her effort, and Raphael, who looks like he's given up.

"No. We were trying to," Catarina said sadly.

"Can I try?" Madzie asks. Catarina looks at her, then looks at Raphael. "I guess it cannot hurt..."

Catarina hands the stele to Madzie. Madzie squints her eyes shut, and her forehead crinkles in concentration. She’s trying so hard. A bright yellow aura surrounds her. Both Catarina and Raphael are starting at her. Catarina then looks at Raphael, raising an eyebrow. He returns the sentiment. It is obviously Madzie is exhibiting power that they were previously unaware of.

“Uncle Alec!” Madzie suddenly says, happily. But then she frowns. “He doesn’t look the same. His hair is brown. And he has one blue eye.”

What? Raphael’s heart drops. Holy shit…”Where is he? Do you see what place he’s in?” he asks, urgently.

_Don’t tell me he’s in the den…and I could have gotten him out. No…_

He has never reconciled how he felt about Alec Lightwood, especially since that punch to the face after he found him with Isabelle. However, he knew he had deserved that to an extent. Still, to be trapped in a vampire den, all helpless, one wouldn’t wish that on their worst enemy, and especially fi there were a group of vampires ready to feast upon him until the very last drop was drained. Add to that victim being Nephilim, and the vampires could become so crazed and addicted, they would tear him limb from limb halfway through. 

That thought of that was way _too_ gruesome to even entertain. 

_Isabelle would never forgive me_, he thought, a feeling of dismay overtaking him.

Madzie shook her head. “I can’t describe it,” she said. “Too hard.” She looks sad.

Catarina stated, “It’s ok, I will look at your memories in a little bit. Here,” she said, giving her the purple pocket square. “Find uncle Magnus.”

Madzie nodded eagerly. She scrunched her features in concentration once again, while holding the pocket square. Again the yellow aura came about. “Ah! Uncle Magnus, he’s home. He’s sleeping. But he’s on the floor, not on the bed,” she said, happily.

Catarina and Raphael looked at each other. “Oh boy, my idiota’s drunk,” Raphael stated wryly. As if he expected any differently…oh man, he thought, something bad must have really happened though. He suddenly felt very badly for Magnus.

Catarina nodded to Madzie. “Great job, Madzie,” she said proudly. Madzie beamed. “Please come over now so I can look at your memories.” Madzie acquiesced, and came over. Catarina put both hands over her temples, closed her eyes and concentrated. 

“Okay, it’s coming. Yes, Alec definitely does not look like himself, but apparently this is him. He’s…in a large room with couches, its all red and velvety. Theres about a dozen individuals…wait, vampires—”

“Fuck,” Raphael swore. Both Catarina and Madzie looked at him blankly, Catarina with a hint of annoyance. _Oh right, language…_

“Sorry,” Raphael apologized. “I just had an epiphany. Anyway never mind, I need to text Isabelle. Then I need to go to Papa.”

He hastily turned on his phone, sent a message to Isabelle, and readied himself to go to Magnus’s. 

Whatever shape Magnus was in, he better shape up quickly.

_They had no time to waste._

*******

Isabelle is in front of the doors of Magnus's loft. She knocks loudly. Once, twice, three times.

"Magnus, it's me, Isabelle. Are you there?"

_No answer. _

_Hmm..._

_Bzzz! _It's her phone, with a new text. She quickly turns on the display. It's from Raphael. 

"Catarina said that Magnus is in his loft. Be persistent mi amor. My idiota can be quite stubborn," the message read. Ok, she will try again.

She knocks once, twice, three times. No answer. Isabelle knocks again and calls out to Magnus. She tries calling. He doesn't pick up. She's at her wits end. Ah well, there's nothing I can do. But this I can try...." She decides to talk to him through the door.

"Magnus," she called. "its Isabelle. Im sorry to bother you, but I wanted to know if you have seen Alec. He has not been back for 5-6 days. He left me in charge of the Institute 5 days ago, but he hasn't contacted me since. Is he with you?" Suddenly the loft doors are thrown open. There is a wan looking Magnus, his hair and clothing are disheveled, as if he no longer practiced self-care. His eyes are wild, his eye makeup smeared, as if he's been crying. He's looking at her with confusion written all over his face.

"What do you mean, he never went back? I portaled him back 5 days ago," Magnus said slowly, doing calculations in his head. "After we...we--" 

He choked out the last few words and looked away, unable to continue. Isabelle looked long and hard at Magnus's face, and knew the worst had happened. 

"Wait, you guys broke up?" she exclaimed incredulously. Magnus continued to look at the ground, hands clenched tightly into fists.

"It was for the best," he whispered in a heartbreaking tone. "Too much had happened between us..."

"Was it that drastic, was it so unforgiving that you couldn't forgive him and make up?" Izzy demanded. Magnus suddenly turned his eyes on her, his glamour down and his cat eyes glistening with tears. "You mean, something I couldn't forgive myself for," he stated, looking down at the floor. He suddenly feels…ridiculous. _The whole premise was starting to sound completely ridiculous. Why had he let him go?_ "So I let him go. I said it's better if we weren't together anymore. But I thought he would return to the Institute; that's what I recommended that he go to. Now something I totally regret doing."

"Wait, you just **let **him go? Am I hearing right? And he didn't put up a fight? He didn't tell you how much he loves you?" Isabelle cried. Isabelles words hit Magnus like a brick in Magnus's face. _Fuck,_ _Lilith_,_ I caused this_, he realized in horror. Alec is missing and I caused all of this. All of it!. These past few days, he has been moping, been off the grid aka not answering fire messages, or his phone, trying to forget... 

And the love of his life had somehow (purposely) disappeared...

"_**Alexander! What the fuck!**_" he suddenly roared, unable to restrain his emotions any longer. Isabelle jumped, and the whip came out in her hand by instinct. Red fire surged through his veins, heading toward his hands. He quickly directed them toward the floor so as to not blast anything important or anyone. But that's didn't quite release all his pent-up emotions. "Dammit!" he yelled, banging his fists hard on his coffee table. The glass shatters completely, but it also makes the windows of the loft shatter, making them both jump.

"Papa." Magnus and Isabelle both flinch, nearing jumping again (!!) -- upon hearing Raphael's voice. 

They whirl around to face Raphael.

"I know where Alec is. We need to hurry.** Now.**"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from The Cure - Lullaby (yea i was a total alternative/new wave chick back in the early 90s's xD)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sS6t56U9tBg


	9. Tick Tock...Goes the Clock...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finds out from Raphael about Alec's whereabouts, and Magnus is incensed.  
Magnus and Raphael rush to the den, while Catarina coordinates the rest with the Shadowhunters at the Institute. 
> 
> Magnus goes on a rampage. Will they get there in time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY.....

On the way to the den, Raphael briefs Magnus upon what Catarina and Madzie saw, then he clued Magnus on what he had seen during his visits, etc. Ugh, that had been the hard part. Raphael was wracked with _guilt_, now knowing he could have gotten Alec out much soon if he would have known that was him. 

He couldn't even look at Magnus while he was updating him on things.

"Papa, can you ever forgive me for that, not knowing it was Alec all that time?" he murmured. _He couldn't bear if if Magnus resented him..._

Magnus stopped walking once Raphael had asked that of him, and had looked at him, an incredulous look on his face. "What do I need to forgive you for?" he asked curiously. He chuckled sadly, "Don't start getting all paranoid on me, _hijo_ \-- I really need all your mental faculties, and your usual sardonic wit with me right now, especially with what we are going to face soon." He put his hand to the side of Raphael's face in an affectionate gesture,and Raphael sighed with relief. "Besides, how would anyone have known what was going on? He didn't even _look_ like himself, from what it sounds like," Magnus ranted, shaking his head as if he himself couldn't fathom how this situation turned out the way that it did.

He walked away from Raphael for a bit, muttering to himself. "What were you thinking, Alexander?!" Wow, Alec just had to cover all his bases, didn't he. Made it so no one could look for him, or contact him. What had Raphael and Isabelle both said? Oh, right, his phone had been found in the bushes, shortly after that text to Isabelle -- from what it sounded like, Alec had quickly made himself scarce shortly after he had exited the portal that evening. 

That very evening that Magnus had let him go, told him to go away -- even as his own soul had _shattered. _

He now can admit to himself that he had not been thinking clearly...especially with how that _spell_ had affected him. But he still had to_ live_ with the crushing guilt of having been transformed into a demon by the spell. Which had been enacted by Alec as an unwitting participant in Samael's cruel game. Ugh, for the past few days, Magnus had been waking up with fever and chills, _**along with an urge to just rip out chunks of his own skin**_ \-- just because he would think that the scales had come back. He had been reaching for the vodka on impulse following such nightmares, and that seemed to make the thoughts and visions go away. But he still felt incredibly shaky, in general. 

And now, knowing that Alexander had just thrown himself into possible danger, without regard to his own life...and possibly due to heartbreak. Yes, that was definitely doing wonders for his own selfworth right now. He shut his eyes tight, trapped in the never-ending misery of his own thoughts.

He definitely wants to save Alexander, above all else. 

_He has to. It's the least he could do, after everything that has happened..._

Now -- the question of whether Alec would be able to handle the truth of what happened that night, and why he acted as he did -- now that was another story entirely. Would there _even_ be a second chance for them? At this moment, as much as it hurts his heart to admit it, he couldn't be so sure. He sighed, remembering the devastated look in Alec's eyes as he threw up the portal and recited those cruel words to him. No wonder why he is where he is right now, in that state.

_What have you done, Magnus??_

_What have you done????_

He swallows hard. He wills himself to push it away and think about that later. He really needs to focus on this rescue with Raphael.

And Isabelle... Magnus also would not forget, too soon, how her face had crumpled once they told her where Alec was. The expression on her face had been one of devastation and worry. 

_.._

_His fault_...

"I’m coming with you guys,” she stated firmly. 

Both he and Raphael had shaken their heads no to her request. 

Raphael had then stepped forward, and automatically folded her tenderly in his arms. Isabelle had stopped protesting once that occurred, and was just sniffling deeply into Raphael's shoulder, taking comfort in his arms. Magnus had been surprised at the closeness of the two. So they had made up? And this was without the influence of vampire venom? Interesting development...perhaps he had underestimated the relationship between these two. He ultimately decided to bite his lip, to prevent any sarcastic or smart comments from coming out -- usually a given in conversations between him and Raphael, and allowed the two to have that moment together.

"Isabelle, don’t come with us," Raphael had told her softly. “Let us go rescue Alec. Catarina will be at the hospital in case we need her. Just wait on our word, okay? It may get _really_ messy, just let Magnus deal with it.”

He had looked at her then, silently pleading with his eyes, "_I don't want anything to happen to you, just please listen, for once_." Isabelle seemed to get the message, as she stopped sniffling and cleared her throat. Reluctantly, Isabelle had then nodded in agreement. She looked at Raphael, then at Magnus. Tears brimming from her eyes, she suddenly engulfed both of them in a huge hug, her body practically collapsing against theirs.

“Please, just find him. And bring him back. _Alive_,” she whispered. 

They both nod stiffly, and took their leave.

They walk for a bit. Raphael notices that Magnus is trying to throw up a portal. But his hands are shaking so much, he’s unable to. Raphael puts his hand on Magnus’s shoulder. “Papa, breathe,” he murmurs. After awhile, Magnus’s hands stop shaking. 

Magnus is finally able to throw up a portal shortly after that.

Raphael can see Magnus’s eyes flashing. Yellow, yellow-red, yellow. He is angry right now. “I’m going to **kill** that vampire, Raph,” he muttered darkly. Raphael could see the red magic crackling around Magnus’s fingertips. “**I swear, I am going to fucking kill him…**”

“Trust me,” Raphael stated, putting a hand softly on his shoulder, making Magnus turn to him. “You have my absolute blessing. That den needs to go. I will turn the other way when you destroy it; they deserve it. **All of them**.”

Magnus looks off into the distance as Raphael says this. Somehow, his words do not provide much comfort to him. All he could think of was Alexander, and that he needed to save him.

_Before it was too late…_

****************

Meanwhile, Michael has been relentless in continuing to torture Alec with the placement of the cock ring, teasing the Nephilim with his mouth and hands.

He licks the tip of his penis, which makes Alec shudder. "Submit to me, and you will get your release," he murmured in Alec's ear, as he inserts a finger down his cleft toward his opening.

"No, I’d rather die," Alec mutters, then wincing while his body lurches. The finger has found its opening, and is now massaging the areas around it.

Fuck! Alec pants, as his body twists and writhes. Michael is slowly, lazily drawing that finger in and out, and Alec's walls are clenching it tightly, his arousal building, but with nowhere to go.

It is starting to _hurt,_ but deliciously so, Alec admits to himself.

He continues to sweat like crazy, remnant of dried sweat already on his brow, and his nipples are super erect and unyielding. “Ah, look at you. _Don't worry, Michael's got you,”_ Michael murmurs in Alec's ear in a almost-loving, sickeningly sweet manner, and Alec tries to wrench his head away. Don’t say that, Alec thinks desperately. That’s a phrase _Magnus_ would say to him, lovingly. He certainly did not want his captor to be saying this to him. It just sounded so nasty, so wrong coming from his mouth.

The sharp edge of Michael’s fangs lightly scrape his left nipple, then a hard _suck!_ and his body lurches with involuntary response, going straight to his groin. His eyes roll back. This is excruciating…

"Ah, I see you like that," the hypnotizingly sickeningly sweet voice croons. "You like what Michael is doing to you.._.dont' you...I like taking care of you. I'm the one who had been here for you, even as others have cast you out. I'm the only who loves you.You can't deny it..."_

_And Alec, as much as he hates to admit it, he can't deny that Michael did take him in. _

_Isn't that what people who love you, do? _

_His brain is saying_

_ NONONONO_

_DON'T FALL FOR THAT SHIT_

_And yet..._

_The other one -- gasp heartbreak, like shattered glass -- threw him out. The one who was supposed to love him---_

_Alec gasps at the intensity of his emotions. Like shards of glass ripping his heart apart, his blood dripping slowly, his life force leaving him..._

_It might as well be. Dripping away._

_NONEXISTENT._

_Magnus.. His LIFE. _

_Or rather...WAS his life _

_He can barely feel him... even as a remote presence, even as a remote safe haven. _

_He can't really feel much of anything anymore. His heart is just...numb._

_Was this his life... NOW?_

He feels himself hit the back of Michael's throat again, and AGAIN he is plunged into _mindless oblivion..._

_excruciating... ecstasy_

_ ...delicious...torturous_

_Those teeth...._

_That tongue..._

_That mouth... Wrapped around his length again. Pulling, pulling, scraping against his skin like torture, like fire_

_... If only it didn't feel the way that it did...sooooo good but I fucking hate you Michael_

_Fucking hate you hate you hate you ---_

_...fuuuuuck!_

He reaches down to try to roughly push Michael's head away... But only ends up bucking from sensations, and his own fingers end up tangling themselves into Michael's hair, _pulling his head toward him_

_What the hell are you doing, Alec---!_

Michael seems to like that, as he increases his assault...

_...fuuuuuuuck...._

_ ....Nnnnnth..._

_ ... BY THE ANGEL..._

Admittedly, this been going on for a few days now, his body is oversensitive, and he isn’t sure how much longer he can withstand it...

*****************

_Restless visions tumbling through his foggy mind-- _

_is he awake? Or asleep?_

_ It's perpetually dark here, and he cannot tell..._

_Visions -- of pale faces with fangs edged with blood drag and tear at his skin_

_and a face -- Michael -- as much as he abhors it, alternates with waves of immense pleasure yet torture and agony_

_Who has sheltered him... But also subjected him to this deprivation_

_(I need to comeeee)_

_or a lithe, panther-like red scaly figure with a tail, and blinding yellow (cat?) eyes _

_both seem to take a turn pawing at his body at different intervals amidst the darkness. _

_the lithe red scaly figure seems to have some very familiar elegance to its build_

_but the meaning of the yellow eyes he cannot figure out in this state_

_it seems to love wrapping its coarse tail around his torso and tender parts, its friction maddening and satisfying_

_even as it pounds into him relentlessly into oblivion trying to chase its release_

...and every so often

Alec would wake up from such feverish dreams, groaning as he is reminded of the cock ring that locks him in perpetual arousal, oversensitized to every touch, eery stimuli.

_What day was it now? Or was it night? _

_How many days has it been? _

_Alec didn't even know..._

He had awakened to a nasty wet tongue attempting to pry open his mouth. Nasty, he thought, wrenching his head away. Okay that tongue did not attempt another kiss. _Thank god,_ he thought.

Next, he was too painfully reminded of his raging, hard member – still caught in the cock ring. Michael’s fingers was now slowly stroking his length with feathery touches. These were even more excruciating than the firm stroking, at times.

Alec's body lurches, yet again. "Nnnnnth," he moans softly, protesting. Chills go up and his spine...

The vampire grins. “Oh you’re awake, baby,” he murmurs. Alec winces at the pet name. Michael stops stroking him. He lowers his head to Alec's groin. From that vantage point, he looks up at Alec with a playful smirk. Alec shudders. Michael is the _last_ person he wants to see in that position. ugh...

“I wanted you to be awake to watch me take you -- again” he whispered playfully. "So you can see who is making you feel **so** good. My name will be ringing in your head, your very soul...synomonous with _pleasure my love. I love you I love you love you._" Alec is trying to shut out his words, but they start echoing in his mind on repeat. 

_Love you love you love you love you_

_Pleasure, pain, suffering...Nnnth..._

He passes out again...

Eyes open, again, a while later...

Michael licks a big stripe from balls to tip – Alec shudders at this. Then suddenly, Michael deepthroats and takes his length down to root in one swoop, then in deep strokes continuously, in and out, in and out. He looks up at Alec, his lips wrapped obscenely around his head. Alec is shuddering and shaking. Then the vampire pops off, and attempts to force Alec's legs open. Alec is kicking at the vampire. He refuses to allow penetration.

The vampire takes three fingers and _shoves_ them into Alecs opening mercilessly. 

**Fuck!** The fingers hit his prostrate dead on, and Alec's vision nearly goes _**black. **His eyes roll back..._

_....M-mmmmmichael... _

_OMG.. ANGEL MICHAEL..._

_ BY THE ANGEL---_

_OHHHHHH..._

_..._

_MICHAEL...!!!!!_

Michael_ starts_ fucking him with his fingers, roughly and rapidly. Alec's body is betraying him, lurching and wriggling with physiological response and pleasure. Alec cannot help but moan with every thrust, every twist. "_M-Michael,_" he can't help moaning. Alec doesn't see the grotesque smrik that comes on the vampire' s face, a smirk of _triumph._

"You will be begging for my cock soon, Nephlim," he sneers, as Alec cries out from the sensations of the pressure, and of the fingers hitting his prostrate relentlessly.

_...Michael. Miiichael..._

Oh god, Alec thought, half awake, his hands still trying to push the vampire's chest away from him, and trying to kick away his legs and groin area, realizes his efforts are futile. Hs too weak to stop him, his body is too aroused, jerking with each thrust and assault with those fingers._ His fingers..._

_... How much longer can I fight? _

_ ... Do I even want to fight... WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.. YES YOU DO. _

_YES YOU DO!!!_

_FIGHT!!!_

_...but I'm so so so tired..._

_And he loves me..._

_HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU HE'S HURTING YOU_

_...I don't feel hurt. He's not hurting me._

_... At least he's **here**..._

_WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKAREYOUINSANE_

_ALEC?????!_

_....._

_ ...ALEC!!!!!!!!!_

_...._

_..._

_...._

_...._

Alec, for one reason or another, has stopped listening to his inner conscience/brain...

_And I feel like I'm being eaten_

_By a thousand million shivering furry holes_

_And I know that in the morning I will wake up_

_…shivering..._

** **

** _In the shivering cold_ **

_And the Spiderman is always _

** _...hungry_ **

*********

A portal opens in the den.

Raphael steps out, and sees the struggle in front of him...two naked bodies wrestling, one is clearly dominating and about to take the other one. Now he can see that the bottom one is Alec... His dark hair, Deflect Rune, and facial features are clear by now. It is clear that he is losing out. He is moaning, and writhing while trying to kick the vampire off. The body on top, who is the vampire, is holding steadily. Suddenly the vampire’s head swings down like a pendulum, his fangs sinking into the side of his neck, with blood trickling out of the edge of his mouth. Alec screams, and then freezes as the vampire continues to thrust three fingers into his opening shortly after. Alec’s body jerks and clenches, the fingers hit the prostrate. He groans, and his eyes fall shut.  
  
"_Nnnnnth,_" Alec grunts.

"_Nnnnnth mmmmichael nnnth" _  
  


_"NNNNTHHH!"_

Arching back, bucking wildly. Jerking. Clenching. Eyes roll back…fade to black

...Repeat, repeat, _repeat_…

After each time, Alec seems on the verge of collapse. His eyes roll back, yet again. Fades to darkness…just as he comes back to reality, the whole thing starts. Again…

The Vampire continues to assault his opening with those three fingers, pulling them in and out slowly at times, twisting them at he does so, and drawing a slow agonizing moan from the Shadowhunter. This opening is so tight, and it clenches at his fingers with every thrust. 

Michael needs to be inside him – _soon…_

"Submit to me, accept my love, and you will get your release," he murmurs in a seductive tone. Alec shakes his head furiously. “Suit yourself,” Michael says dulcetly, as he lowers his face to Alec’s cock, which is stiffened unnaturally and condition prolonged by the cock ring. His member is swollen, beyond red, and pulsating. Michael proceeds to lick Alec’s cock in a languishing fashion from balls to tip, tonguing the slit, making Alec buck upwards from oversensitivity. Then Michael starts to deepthroat him, faster and faster, and Alec shrieks as the sensation builds, but he is unable to relieve himself. 

_"MIIIICHAELLLLLLLL...!! FFFFFFFF!! NNNNTHHHHHH ....AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!---" _

His body bucks and writhes against his will.

_It's getting close  
_ _  
I lose control  
  
It's taking over…_

_It is like torture…_

Raphael freezes, not being able to tear his eyes away from what he sees and hear. The fear grows deep in his gut, especially after having witnessed Michael indulge himself in Alec’s neck. Alec wouldn’t be too much longer in this world, if Michael really started taking blood through that route. The blood there flowed way too fast, way too deep…and the blood was too rich there for _any_ vampire to resist. Even now, he was fighting his own innate urges to just zip over there to take his fill.

_How delicious it would be…to sink his fangs into that goodness…_

Raphael, however, had decades of experience, to be able to keep himself still, with only the shaking of his hands to betray his absolute yearning and temptation_. _

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the rest of the den vampires, a total of 12, eyeing the spectacle in the middle. They must be fledgings, he thought, seeing the blood rush into their cheeks and eyes, ready to pounce and tear Alec apart, if Michael even signaled permission to ravage the goods…

Oh boy, Papa...Raphael thinks, watching the scene unfold relentlessly. He feels sick, as he knows his friend is about to happen upon this monstrosity.

Magnus steps out of the portal. He feels his friend freeze in horror, as he sees the scene before him. 

Michael looks up, his mouth popping off Alec’s member. His eyes are full of blood lust and desire. "Oh hi dear leader," he croons, taking one hand and grabbing Alec's hair and yanking it hard so the area with the Deflect Rune is revealed to Raphael. Alec's eyes hold a sense of desperation. He doesn't seem to recognize Raphael though, as his eyes are glazed over. "Want to join? And I see you brought a friend. Ready for the show?" The other hand is still thrusting in Alec.

Magnus is speechless, his eyes growing slowly murderous.

He knows the vampire could very easily just **kill **Alec. Especially with that wound now on his neck. He’s aware that now time is a factor. He needs to be very careful. But ugh if the scene in front of him isn't breaking his heart, _his very soul_.

There's ringing in his ears and he feels faint...

_I'm in over my head_

_I can't catch my breath_

At that moment, Alec gasps loudly as his body trembles. Thoughts escape his head, in light of all this agony. His head is blank, he feels faint, as if he is not even here at this point. His vision is blurry, all he is aware of is this _agony._ He imagines watching himself in such a desperate state, all bloody, tangled pale limbs and wasted look in his eyes. Thank god Magnus isn’t here to see him wasting away…_then again, a small part of him wishes Magnus was here with him. Oh, he wishes Magnus was here._

_Oh, Magnus…_

"_Please_," he gasps desperately at Michael, whose blood filled eyes suddenly focus on him. His gaze is laviscious, and triumphant. The leering gaze that Michael directs at him, makes Alec want to die a little bit inside._ "M-Michael..."_

_He is nothing, only a body that the vampire is going to take, now..._

"I can't take it anymore,” Alec whispers in a ragged voice, feeling weak from the blood slowly oozing out from his neck, “Take me, do what you want. I'll do whatever you want. Please take it off, p-please. I want to come. I need it, Give it to me_. Please. I want you to f-fuck me. I-I w-want you. IloveyouloveyouM-Michael. PLEASE. TAKE ME."_

He gasps, arching his neck with the bloody bite toward Michael, offering it, and closing his eyes. He chokes on the last sentence.

Magnus's eyes widen upon hearing Alec plead that -- submit to another man, who isn't _him_ \-- and is heartbroken. 

Raphael however, has seen his friend's shoulders slump._ He is giving up_. As if _this_ is a time to give up! He also realized that Alec said, "take it off." He scans Alec quickly, and see the cock ring tightly against the base. Ugh that must be excruciating! he thinks with sympathy.

_Magnus_! Fuck, whats the use of being one of the most powerful warlocks, if emotions can bring you down like this? Raphael thinks, getting really annoyed_. Holy crap, this idiota..._

Raphael shoves at Magnus's shoulder, hard enough to make him look at him with surprise, rather than annoyance. _Magnus's eyes look empty, almost dead..._

"Magnus! The vampire is torturing Alec...He has a cock ring on. He’s suffering right now. He's being forced to say those things, to submit. _Don't let your emotions cloud your perception, Magnus…. You know this isn't Alec."_

That seems to do the trick.

Magnus focuses, and then yes, he notices the ring at the base of Alec's penis. Magnus is incensed. How _dare_ he torture Alexander. He should act now, but somehow he's riveted to the spot and cannot help but continue to watch.

By this time the vampire had flipped Alec over, leanec over to suck at his neck, hard again, making Alec’s whole body flinch. And he starts to massage his buttcheeks.

The vampire's member is suddenly out. 

Raphael, horrified, looks at his friend, who seems to be in a trance again. "Magnus! Snap out of it! Go!"

Magnus shakes his head again, coming back to reality. He sees the grimmess of the scene.

"Oh hell no," Magnus thinks, incensed. He snaps his fingers, disappears in the blink of an eye, and suddenly reappears, right_ next_ to Michael. Who is still blissfully unaware, shifting Alec into position...

**“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!”** he thunders.

Michael jerks his head up in surprise, still in a daze from blood and sexual lust. A flick of a finger dissolves the cock ring from Alec’s lower region, and Alec gasps as he comes, so hard that there are white spurts all over the place. He shudders, then collapses in exhaustion. Simultaneously, Michael's naked form is immediately _thrown_ to the other end of the wall, _hard_, and obliterated in all directions by red magic. There’s undead flesh flying everywhere. A lot of it ends up on Alec as splashback. 

Alec recoils with horror as the flesh hits him....but then notices the entrails of red magic. 

_Red Magic???? Wait..._

_Where was that coming from?_

_... and why did that seem so familiar?? _

He can't completely _remember_ at the moment. But he feels it...

Alec's head feels heavy. But the feeling of a presence, a oh so familiar presence suddenly hits him. It envelops him with such_ warmth and sweetness_ it makes him shudder. It takes such an effort for him to lift his head. But he does.

_M-Magnus? Magnus.._.! 

_Now he remembers...!_

_BUT HE KICKED YOU OUT. LEFT YOU TO DIE_

_..but..._

_I remember, he used to love me..._

_Like no one else ever did..._

_He did...._

_He DOES. _

_that's why he's here... Right? _

God, Alec needs for that to be right_... He needs to believe that, with all his heart.._

The face, the person's he's wanted to see, the one in his dreams... The one he loves... Even if it's no longer the same on Magnus's end. His heart is pounding way too loudly, in his chest, in his ears.

Abnormally so.

That last bite inflicted on his neck was so not good. He feels it too.

He's slowly dying. He knows it...Judging from the horrified expression on Magnus's face, he knows he sees it too.

What a terrible, tragic way to meet again...

They look at one another. But Magnus’s face is so blurry, Alec can hardly hold his gaze. But he_ feels_ it. Magnus’s love for him, emanating from him. His absolute devastation, his heartbreak. 

His presence…like _home._

_You were supposed to be my forever... I’m so sorry it has to end like this, my love._

At least he got to see him one more time...

**His beautiful warlock…**

"Magnus," he manages to rasp. Tears fill his eyes. He feels his strength going. And he's dizzy, so dizzy.

He manages to lock one firm gaze with him. Memorizing the details of that face, that _beautiful_ face. Burning yellow cat eyes, searing through to his very soul. He shivers. _“They’re beautiful. You’re beautiful..” _

The last thing he sees before he _drowns..._…

Alec attempts to hold the gaze, pouring all his love into that gaze with all his might.

_He's tired, so tired..._ the noises rushing through his ears…louder and louder….=he can’t hear anything else. Is that his blood? Is that his heartbeat? It’s so loud, he can’t discern anything else…but it seems to beat slowly..so slowly. 

_Slower...slower. With every second that passes…_

_He feels **so cold.**.._

_It's getting close  
_ _  
I lose control  
  
It's taking over…_

_It's getting close  
__  
__I lose control_  
_  
It's __taking_ _over__…_

Oh no, he's passing out again...But it feels _differently_ this time.

He's ---

He gasps desperately, one strangled gasp, and then faded hazel eyes roll to the back. 

Then they slowly close. _As Alec goes limp…_

*****

**"ALEC!!!!!!!!”**

Magnus roars, inconsolably with grief. He falls to his knees, his eyes shut in anguish. He thinks, _please please, not like this. Not even I've just found him again. He can't be taken away from me, I'm trying to make things right. Please..._

Then his train of thought switches.

And he is angry, angrier than he has ever been_. ** I’m going to fuckin level the damn place…**_ He’s trembling with anger…

**SO.MUCH.ANGER…!**

**"Enough!"** Magnus's eyes blaze yellow, tinged on red. Without looking up, he focuses his mind…suddenly all the doors SHUT closed, and he spells it so no one can leave. Then he slams the rest of the den members, all simulataneously against the walls, pining them so they cant move.

Raphael bears witness to his friend’s breakdown. He’s also noticing the erratic trembling of Magnus’s entire being, and the red aura that is arising as a result of it. It grows red, then orange, then yellow…Magnus’s face lifts up, and his yellow cat eyes are out…and the aura changes into _fire. _

_That is steadily GROWING…_

_Holy hell, Raphael thinks. HE’S GOING TO LEVEL THE DAMN PLACE.._

He kneels down next to Magnus, lost in his own world, lost in what is now a sequela of events that will soon be irreversible, if he doesn’t manage to get him to calm down…

“Idiota,” Raphael whispers, using his term of endearment for Magnus, “You know you can't get like this!! You are going to end up killing me too, STOP!”

Slowly he sees the fire around Magnus recede. Raphael breathes a sigh of relief.

Magnus, however, is still inconsolable.

Oh man,we need to remember our priorities! thinks Raphael. He rushes over to Alec, trying to feel around for a pulse.

A weak one exists. But it's thready, as if it would fade out at any moment.

He looks up.

"MAGNUS. PLEASE. Papa, he needs a hospital,” Raphael insists loudly. He needs his friend to snap out of this. Right now.

"H-hes alive?" Magnus whispers in strangled voice. He couldn't dare to hope.

“Yes,” Raphael said gently. “Barely, though...”

Magnus ‘s shoulders slump in relief. “Ugh, I still have business to settle,” he sighs, pointing all around at all the vampires pinned to the wall with magic. They look_ terrified_. “Do you mind, Raph---”

“Of course, Papa. A portal to Catarina’s hospital?” Raphael asked. Magnus nodded assent. With a flourish he throws one open. Raphael scoops a limp Alec up into his arms. Magnus looks at Alec again, and tries to hold his tears back. Raphael nods at Magnus, turns, and steps thorugh the portal with Alec.

Magnus then takes a deep breath, whirls, and he is again facing the vampires, trapped against the walls.

He slowly stands up, straightening his posture. He summons the fire from deep within him…calling upon the wrath and fires of his birthright – the fires of Edom. 

He opens his eyes, and they are fire red, ablaze. He turns his gaze upon the room, not looking at any one individual.

He feels the terror emanating throughout.

Magnus spreads his arms wide, and throws them both up with a flourish. The roof of the den bursts open, with sunlight flooding the den. Howls ensue, from all the vampires, as their skin slowly starts to singe and smoke up from the feet and slowly moving up. This is an extremely excruciating process. Soon, the singeing and burning has reached their torso area. The howling crescendos in volume.

As they are burning, Magnus turns and marches out of the den, turns around and flicks his wrist once again. 

He continues to walk away from the den toward the river. He counts backwards from 5.

“5…4…3…2…1…”

All the vampires’ heads are suddenly decapitated all at once, as if in perfect harmony. “Beautiful,” Magnus murmurs as he hears it happening. It is like music to his ears.

He doesn't look back.

****************

At the hospital, Raphael walks out of the portal with Alec.

Catarina is there waiting next to a hospital stretcher on wheels. She bites her lip nervously.

She was not initially sure what she expected to see, upon Raphael stepping out of the portal. As a nurse, she has seen victims of all walks of life, in every possible situation, and many fatalities over the years. And yet, every time it is like a fresh wound, the tears fresh, which run down her face, grieving for the state of the vicitms. But this was now a familiar, a friend even. Catarina had come to get to know Alec more, as he loved to babysit Madzie whenever she had late shifts at work. And she had come to love the Shadowhunter as a trusted friend. So this was really making her_ really_ nervous.

But the moment she sees Alec, she can’t help but to gasp. Alec is deathly pale, his eyes closed, and his body is limp, with his head and neck flopping down at a unnatural angle. She immediately hones in on the two holes on his neck. That area is almost bluish. Alarms immediately ring in her head.

“Raphael,” she states. Raphael walks to her, with Alec in his arms. Her eyes fill with tears.

“Is he --?” She reaches out toward Alec’s neck.

“Catarina,” Raphael states. He maneuvers his body so that Catarina can palpate Alec’s carotid. There is still a pulse, thankfully. But it is very very slow, almost undetectable. Her eyes widen.

“He needs a blood transfusion as soon as possible!” Catarina stated emphatically. She has a Type “O” positive bag in her hands already, and is preparing and hooking up the IV. Turning to Alec, she quickly sets up a tourniquet, palpates and locates a vein. She pops in the blood transfusion IV within his forearm. She turns to Raphael. “Luckily we caught him, but just barely in time. If more time would have passed by, this would have fallen within your domain, Raphael,: she added.

Raphael looked at her, confused. Then the wheels in his head started turning. Ah right, he thought. If Alec died, the only way he would come back is if Raphael turned him into a vampire.

“No, I would never do that to him,” Raphael murmurs. Catarina touches his arm, and he looks up, surprised. Catarina had an intense look in her eyes.

“Not even for Magnus?” Catarina asks pointedly.

Raphael is taken aback. “Surely you don’t think Papa would want Alec in that state?”

“He wouldn’t? Not even to have him forever?” Catarina prodded.

“It was really a fate worse than death, for me, anyway,” he murmured.

“Hmm, true,” Catarina admitted, recalling whatever she knew of Raphael’s history. “But then Magnus helped you through it, didn’t he?”

“He did. Papa…” Raphael murmured. He gazed at Alec just then, and noticed he was looking less pale now. His breathing is still short and ragged...his pulse now at a high rate. _Still not quite out of the clear..._

But yes,Magnus had indeed been his salvation, back then. And he would surely be Alec’s as well, under the most dire of circumstances.

He hoped he would never need to revisit this subject any time soon though, or ever.

Just then they felt a tremor. Then two, then a few stronger ones, too many to count. Then the whole floor shook like crazy, and Raphael stumbled. Fortunately the IV set or the bed didn’t shake too much. Suddenly there was an echoing _BOOM! It was _so loud, both Catarina and Raphael shrieked, holding their ears.

"What was that?!!!" They all look at each other.

Within the elevator of the hospital, the elevator cab had stopped temporarily. In it, Izzy, Jace, and Underhill were wide-eyed, looking at one another in shock as they sat on the floor, legs and arms tangled with one another. They looked down at themselves. To some extent, their arms were all on or around one another -- holding one another for support – bracing themselves following that extreme tremor they had just experienced.

Underhill was the first one to regain his powers of speech. “What the hell just happened?” he whispered. Three pairs of eyes darted to and from one another.

The elevator started to move again. No one said anything. They just needed to get to Alec, asap. 

“Catarina said 4th floor right?” Izzy stated. Jace and Underhill both nodded. “Here we go then.”

********

In the far distance, one can make out a dark silhouette against the fiery sunset along the Hudson River. Or maybe those are the colors from the fiery explosion that has just taken place at one of the buildings there. His arms are raised, and swirls of red sparks and smoke trail from his majestic fingers, which are still rising, then fading in the air. He stands there, watching it burn. His hands fall against his sides, clenched in fists. His shoulders are shaking.

After an eternity, his shoulders slump. But he is still standing. A closeup of his face reveal the tears in his yellow cat eyes, as the explosion reflects in his eyes. He lifts one elegant hand and wipes his face quickly. He does not feel any remorse. 

Only relief. He has gotten his vengeance. For Alec.

"I'm coming home, Alexander," he whispers. 


	10. THIRST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's still in the hospital, Magnus's trying to do damage control, and Raphael ends up in the thick of things...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A less crazy chapter. Hope it's not too boring...

_MOOD: Placebo - Running Up That Hill_

_~**In the middle of the night, following the incident~** _

The hallways of the hospital where Alec Lightwood was situated are empty except for the night staff. It is quiet. The Shadowhunters who had come to visit Alec were all encouraged to go home and to come back the next day, as Alec would still remain unconscious as long as his blood levels were below normal. 

Within his hospital room, it is also quiet except for Alec’s ragged breathing and the sound of machines.

Beep, beep, beep – goes the life support machine in the dimly lit hospital room.

Suddenly there is a ripple, a disturbance in the air within the hospital room where Alec lays in bed, motionless, currently being transfused via IV. A portal consequently appears, and a tall, slim elegant figure steps out.

From the outside of the hallway, nothing can be seen by the nurses at the station. Everything is heavily glamoured at the moment.

A delicate, elegant hand adorned with rings reaches toward Alec’s face and traces his cheek and jawline oh so tenderly. It is obvious that there is a lot of love placed in that simple gesture. There is no response from the patient lying motionless on the bed.

A soft musical voice, roughened by tears, whispers, “I’m so, so very sorry, Alexander. I should have been there for you.” The figure sighs and his shoulders slump. He stands next to the bed, gazing at the patient for a while as he takes his hand in his. His lips move, and there’s blue magic that flows between their hands. Then it stops.

He lifts the hand to his lips and kisses it tenderly. He really wants to stay. But there is still the issue of the explosions, and the deaths of the vampires to address. 

He will be back. He flicks his fingers, summoning a portal. He steps through it. The portal closes. 

_ **~ Minutes later ~** _

So slight, that almost no one would notice it, Alec Lightwood’s face is noticeably brighter, and currently holds a blush in his cheeks. However he still remains unconscious, with his face expressionless.

_ **The day after…** _

Alec is still unconscious, lying in bed in his hospital room. However, lab results have shown a rise in his hemoglobin, thanks to the blood transfusion he has been receiving. Next to him is a figure dressed in leather and black cargo pants, sitting on a chair in a crouched position. His long blond bangs fall over his tearstained face, as his gloved hands gently cradle the patient’s limp one in his.

While the person’s face is partially obscured from view by his hair, one can see his lips moving, as if he’s reciting a prayer. 

Catarina Loss looks up briefly from reading lab reports from the nursing station, her glance falling toward the window of the patient’s room. With her warlock vision, she could just make out the lightest vision of light blue flames starting to dance in the air. Ah, the parabatai oath being invoked, Catarina thinks. Every time a parabatai oath is recited, the blue flames arise. It is quite beautiful to witness – well, the parabatai oath is sacred and a rarity. 

Her friend Tessa Gray, a half Shadowhunter/half Warlock hybrid who currently works at the Spiral Labyrinth, had brought this to her attention once. So now it is easy for her to spot.

Jace Herondale, parabatai to Alec Lightwood. Of course he would be by Alec’s side. He must have been there all night, paying vigil next to Alec, Catarina realized. 

She really felt for Alec’s siblings. This couldn’t have been easy for any of them. Alec had been barely hanging on when Raphael had brought him two days ago.

And Magnus…she hasn’t seen him personally, but he had come by as well, recently. Probably outside of normal visiting hours. She could sense his presence lingering about. Of course he couldn’t stay away…

Outside of the room, a very nervous looking Isabelle Lightwood is currently pacing around the area near the room and occasionally looking in through the window of the door. Her facial expression is tense, as are her shoulders. She keeps glancing at Underhill, who maintains a stoic face of the soldier, standing guard right outside Alec Lightwood’s hospital door. 

However, she knows that inwardly, Underhill is frantic. Underhill considers Alec one of his very good friends. Thus to see him laid up like this must be killing him inside. She gives Underhill a small sad smile in acknowledgement, which he returns in kind.

Isabelle is worried for her brother. Who knows what Alec endured over the past week…right now all she knows is that he’s in that room, fighting for his life.

Head of the NY Vampire Clan, Raphael Santiago walks over to her and gently takes her by the forearm, gently rubbing circles with his thumb into her skin for comfort. “Amor, you should sit down. There’s nothing we can do for him. He’s in great hands with Catarina. Try to breathe. Are you sure you would rather not go home? I can watch over him for you,” he murmurs in a soothing voice. 

Isabelle’s shoulders visibly relax, and her eyes fill with tears.

“I know, Raph. It’s just so hard seeing him like this,” she murmurs softly, putting her head on his shoulder.

“And no, I would rather be here when he wakes up. Hopefully it should be today,” she demurs, in answer to his other question. Raphael nods, before bestowing a kiss to the top of her head.

Suddenly the door to the room opens. A wan looking Jace steps out. He looks as beautiful as ever, but shaky. “Alec didn’t respond,” he says to Isabelle in a heartbreaking voice. “I recited the parabatai oath, hoping he would wake up, like the way it led him out that other time we did this. It didn’t work.” He looked like he was about to cry.

Raphael regarded the two of them. “Isabelle, Jace. You two want some coffee? I’ll be back,” he said softly, wanting to give the siblings time together. Isabelle threw Raphael a grateful look, which he returns. He leaves.

Isabelle then stepped in and drew Jace into a hug. Jace is crying. “I feel so helpless, Isabelle,” he muttered. He returns her embrace.

Catarina walks by just then, and notices the pair. She stops briefly to acknowledge them. “How are you two holding up?”

“We’ll live,” Isabelle said softly. Jace doesn’t speak, his head still buried in Isabelle’s shoulder. He’s clearly too overcome with emotion.

“I’m going to go check the machines now. I will give you an update once I’m finished,” she states. They both nod. 

Catarina smiles at them, and then she turns to open the door to the room.

Alec Lightwood’s face is pale, his eyes closed with a slight sheen of sweat adorning his brow. His chest rises and falls unsteadily with every ragged breath. Beside him, Catarina is surveying the machines, a grave expression flitting over her features, and writing down information on her tablet that she carries with her at all times. It has been 2-3 days since Alec was rescued from that vampire’s den by Raphael, and not a moment too soon. 

At least he has been looking better, Catarina thinks, noting the pink tinge to his lips. Even the area around his Deflect rune on his neck has improved considerably – the two holes from that vampire bite were still there but considerably faded, and the formerly bluish tinge to the area was no more.

However, he is far from being in the clear. He had lost an incredible amount of blood. It is a testament to the resilience of the physiological makeup of the Nephilim that Alec still had a pulse when Raphael brought him in the other day. Catarina glances at the IV machine, currently holding the blood transfusion set, of which has been slowly dripping into the IV set in Alec’s arm. The blood transfusion was purposely set at an extra slow drip, mixing with the saline, and then into the IV bag, as per Raphael’s instruction. Due to the amount of blood he lost – which was a great deal -- too much too quickly would result in shock and much more adverse reaction.

Catarina glances at Alec once again. Satisifed that he is stable at the moment, she turns and walks out. She gives the okay sign to both Isabelle and Raphael, who both seem to sigh with relief, small smiles on their faces.

_ **An hour later…** _

Isabelle is now sitting down in the chair, slowly sipping a coffee that Raphael had gotten for her. . Jace had since gone, as Isabelle had told him to go home and get some sleep.

“Look, you have been here all night,” she told Jace, when he had started to protest. “I will keep you posted. “Alec needs you strong and vibrant, so _don’t_ argue with me.” 

That had shut Jace up, and he had acquiesced.

Now Raphael is the one pacing around in the hallway.

He is feeling a bit nervous. However he is trying not to let his rising concern show, lest it make Isabelle stress out more than she is currently doing. He wonders how Magnus is doing. His instinct tells him that Magnus had been the one who activated that explosion that shook the building days ago. 

But he has not heard any updates from Magnus since. He hopes his Papa is okay, as he has been through a lot as well.

Raphael looks in the window of the room at the still figure hooked onto machines.

He is worried about Alec. 

There is an underlying concern in the back of his mind, that no one else here knows about, or would be aware of, since they are not vampires. But he knows, and that being privy to that knowledge is making him fidgety.

Suddenly Isabelle comes over, noticing that Raphael is nervous about something. “Is everything okay?” she asks sweetly.

He smiles at her. “No need to worry, amor, I am just concerned for Papa. I have not heard from him,” he says. At least that is partially truthful. Isabelle appears satisfied at his attempt to reassure her, and walks back to her seat. She sips her coffee and takes a deep breath.

Upon seeing that, Raphael gives her a smile of deep affection, before turning back to look at Alec thorugh the window in the room.

His smile fades. A throbbing in the vein by his left temple belies the words he said to Isabelle.

He knows more than he’s letting on, but he is not going to say anything until he sees evidence of it.

Even Raphael cannot believe Alec is currently alive, since he was_ thisclose_ to becoming drained of all of his blood by Michael. But his current state actually places him at higher risk for another condition that he knows that might afflict someone who had gone through what Alec has gone through.

However, it is rare. It might not even happen -- thus he does not want to worry the others, just yet. 

He just needs to stay around until Alec is conscious. 

But it’s hard to say also, since he is Nephilim, and half-Mundane breeds tend to be very reactive to this. Almost all experience senses in overdrive once blood levels have come back to acceptable levels within the body. There is almost always some form of temporary overdrive of mental functions as instincts takes over.

Usually at some point, the victim regains back control.

But others have gone permanently insane in the past, after experiencing these heightened senses for prolonged amount of time. 

It was just too soon to tell where Alec would stand, with regard to these symptoms.

*********

_ **Yesterday morning, just before sunrise, around 6am**_

Magnus is downtown, silently surveying the remains of the site of the explosion from two days ago. There are still embers and smoke coming from it. His golden cat eyes are blazing, while he remains deep in thought.

He should really be by Alec’s side, paying vigil to his unconscious boyfriend. But unfortunately, he cannot.

Since that brief visit to Alec in the middle of the night, he has been focusing more on the situation regarding the explosion and the situation with the vampires, being that it could cause issues with the Clave and the Accords. The sun has just risen, and now he needs to really think about the situation.

Regarding Alec, he has been keeping in constant contact with Catarina about Alec’s condition, though.

Taking out his phone, he looks at the most recent text from Catarina: Alec is still unconscious, but he shows notable improvement. Seems like Jace was here last night with him, so that was nice to see.

He breathes a sigh of relief at the news. Jace, all in all, despite his bouts with arrogance and immaturity, was as loyal as they come. For that reason, Alec was very lucky to have him as parabatai.

Several crackles and sounds arise from the pile of rubbish. Magnus snaps back to attention.

Right…the explosion he caused. He has to do damage control. In the eyes of the Clave and the Accords, crimes have been committed.

11 vampires have been decapitated and burnt to ashes. 

Well, okay – One was imploded from the inside out, and 10 were slowly burnt and then decapitated, if the situation needs to be accurately depicted.

Potato, _POTATO,_ Magnus thinks wryly with amusement. With a grand explosion incurred, in order to hide the evidence. 

He’s learned from intel that the NY Institute, currently headed up by Isabelle but overseen by Aline (the daughter of Consul Jia), has learned of the explosion and that there may have been a Violation of the Accords. They are about to start investigating the situation. This type of crime is punishable to the highest order, by torture and/or death, regardless of who the perpetrator is, or the reasoning behind the crime.

The Law is the Law, as the SH adage states. 

Always such a bore, thinks Magnus with disdain. Over the centuries he has become well versed in SH lore and how they think, especially with his experience in dealing with Nephilim.

He learns that Aline is willing to let it go. However, there are many Shadowhunters within rank who are just looking for a reason – any reason at all -- to punish whoever did this. It it was Downworlder vs Downworlder Factions, then even better. _More to be rid of all at once_.

Magnus does not like the sound of that at all.

He thinks for a bit more.

Okay, he knows what he is going to do. 

He puts his hands together, warming them up in preparation for what he’s about to do . He is going to perform a massive memory wipe of the last two days. Only a select few will now remember what just happened. 

Everyone else will even forget that there was any sort of killings, or explosion in the first place.

Magnus’s golden cat eyes blaze as his slit pupils dilate, and fire erupts within them.

There is suddenly a gigantic burst of energy surrounding Manhattan Island, with rainbow colors that appear to engulf the island one minute – all is soundless.

Then all is calm again the next.

Meanwhile, at the NY Institute, the phone rings. Aline picks up.

“Aline, any updates on the day?” Jia’s voice comes through the phone. Her voice sounds a bit strangled, and strange. “It has seemed relatively quiet on the NY front.”

“No, mother,” Aline replies, her eyes focused on reading reports sent in over the past few days. “Nothing, nothing even a small incident. I will keep Alicante posted. Thanks for checking in.” 

The phone hangs up. Jia brings her hands to her temple and rubs it a bit. She feels a headache coming on. Has she forgotten something? She isn’t quite sure.

A few minutes later, she has decided that it was probably not very important, anyway.

********

Catarina reads the latest results from Alec’s blood draw. 5.5 hemoglobin. This is still extremely low, but Alec should be regaining consciousness within the day. She’s impressed. Normally, Mundanes would not have survived at the bare minimum. These Shadowhunters are quite resilent, she thinks. She is happy to increase the flow rate to normal, so that this may be done sooner and the Lightwoods can go home.

She shows the results to Isabelle. Isabelle is of course ecstatic.

It is breakfast time, and both Catarina and Isabelle go in. Isabelle is carrying the tray and places it on Alec’s small table. Catarina checks the IV drip and does Alec’s stats.

Neither of them see Alec’s arm move slightly.

They leave the room. Alec’s arm stops moving, and he is at rest again.

~

Alec is in the middle of feverish dreams…his body is still except for his ragged breaths once in awhile.

But one can sees his eyes move back and forth behind his eyelids.

...

_Darkness_

_someone doing things to him that he doesn’t want_

_but he’s getting off it anyway... _

_the excruciating but delicious torture of not being able to come_

_the loud sound of an urgent heartbeat, and swooshing noises_

the beautiful face of Magnus Bane with his golden cat eyes-- 

_for some reason fading into the vision of a scaly red creature _

_with a tail with a body that for some reason resembles (?) Magnus’s build? _

_\-- that's confusing -- _

_A firm weight of someone on top of him, wrenching his fingers excruciatingly in his opening, _

_telling him he loves him_

_that he will take care of him_

_the soft voice soon becomes distorted, then fades_

_Several bodies on various parts of him, lapping, biting, sucking at skin_

_grazing of skin with teeth, dragging and loving_

_Tongues licking at two holes in his Deflect Rune, sucking, sucking, sending waves of dizziness, and helplessness_

_leaving him floating in oblivion_

_Is this how oblivion feels, so spacey, nothingness, just falling faster and faster, into the black night…_

_..._

_...._

Which somehow gets brighter and brighter…

A pinprick of white light at the far distance. Alec sees it, as he falls. It’s quite faster now…

And he is lying down. On a bed somewhere. He thinks he’s awake. He tests one arm. It moves, he can feel it!

Carefully he opens one hazel eye…and is instantly blinded by the brightness in the room. OH what the fuck! He closes it again.

The feeling in his stomach is odd. He isn’t hungry in the traditional sense. But there’s something yearning, yearning – as if called upon from years prior, even to his own existence. The slow rush of sounds are too quiet even for Alec to notice as of yet. But he notice that his heart beats fast, faster, faster still…

He leans his head to one side, and attempts to open his eyes again. His gaze falls upon the IV currently in the middle of forearm, and his eyes are drawn to that blood bag type O that Catarina has been hanging every 8 hours of so. The bag is full, it is red, it is full of nutrient-dense _blood._

He hard-stares at it, as if in a trance…drawn to it like a magnet…

…and licks his lips, slowly. They are dry.

And he feels -- _parched._

He needs…water.

No, that’s not it. 

He smells something. 

_What IS THAT --- SMELL --?_

*************

Later that afternoon, Raphael, with Isabelle arm in arm, slowly push open the door of Alec’s room to walk inside. Catarina follows behind them. There is a nice, easygoing, and laidback way that the two are walking together – as if a huge weight had been lifted from both. 

“We need to check in on him every 15-30 minutes to see how this transfusion is going…” Catarina stated, going over a checklist.

_There are beings in the room – intrusions. _Alec’s eyes suddenly fly open. A low groan is emitted. 

Everyone turns to him.

“Ah Alec, you’re awake!” Isabelle states happily, starting to walk over to greet him with a hug, Catarina is right behind her. Raphael is the only one who doesn’t move. 

He’s staring –hard -- at Alec. Several things are apparent.

His hazel eyes are a bit too pale, his face too white. His eyes are also darting back and forth frantically, and the groan a bit more guttural than he’d like…

He sees Alec’s pupils turn blood red, and his eyes hone in DEAD on Isabelle and Catarina. 

“Oh, fuckk…” Raphael thinks….

_ **A few seconds before….** _

_Swooosh whoosh whoosh, Ba bump ba bump ba bump ba bump Swoosh swoosh swoosh_

A syncopation of sounds that keep getting louder and louder, as Alec opens his eyes. At first, there are _no thoughts_, then What are those sounds I hear, infiltrating my ears and brain? Why do I see these huge red things in front of my eyes, even when I have my eyes wide open. Why does it feel as if I’m here for some purpose?

He looks over. A slim dark haired girl with runes all over her torso, and a dark skinned nurse wearing blue. He feels like he should recognize them, but he doesn’t. Suddenly he can’t see anything but their necks, their glorious necks…the pictures of those round red things – blood cells – swimming rapidly in arteries in the neck. 

Theres’s something, he thinks, a little too late… The sensations overcome him.

_THAT SMELL!!! It’s…overwhelming! His brain clicks._

_He…wants…._

_….he WANTS -----_

********************

Suddenly Raphael_ flings_ himself hard toward Isabelle and Catarina, frantically shoving them toward the room doors – just as the first growl erupts from Alec’s mouth. 

“You need to get out of the room, _now!_” he shrieks. Both ladies are now out of the room, a bit disheveled, and a lot annoyed. 

Isabelle is furious. “What the fuck, Raphael!” she shouts.

She looks past Raphael’s shoulder, briefly, and sees Alec with blank looking blood-red eyes. “By the Angel…” she breathes. 

She is shocked; she was not prepared for this!

“I’ll explain everything later, amor,” he whispers to her hastily. He needs them out of danger’s way.

Raphael slams the door shut. Now he is in the room alone with Alec. He mentally makes the sign of the cross, and slowly turns around…

Raphael’s eyes slowly assess Alec from head to toe. Alec, a pale stoic version of himself, has his eyes still looking at the window, where the girls had formerly been a moment ago. 

His gaze never leaves Alec. He notices that Alec stops looking at the door, his attention on the girls subsiding– at which Raphael breathes a sigh of relief! But then his breath catches in his throat as Alec shifts his gaze to land on him. It is a hard stare, that Raphael has never seen on Alec, not even during the time when he had caught his sister at Raphael’s apartment.

Was this even Alec? Raphael thinks. He’s trying to remain calm. But even he can admit he is starting to feel unsteady. He’s still watching Alec, to see what he does next.

The next place Alec’s gaze falls upon -- is the IV tubing in his arm

_\-- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS --_

and then Alec’s eyes briefly turns to look at the blood bag hanging on the IV set --

Quick as a flash, so quick that even Raphael had missed it, Alec _yanks _the IV out of his arm, hard -- and the tubes fly up and down, blood splattering and swooshing on the bed, with some landing on the wall. Blood is also spurting from Alec’s own arm -- splattering all over Alec, and splattering all over Raphael.

“Alec,” Raphael whispers.

He has suddenly appeared right next to him, standing silently. Using his hand, he cups Alec’s face under the chin and looks into his eyes, attempting to Encanto him into submission.

“You need to calm down,” Raphael says softly, using a very hypnotic type of voice.

_What’s this??_ Alec thinks, the scene all too familiar to him. His thoughts are slowly coming into his head yet coming at him far too quickly, the events from the previous weeks

_…he was held down like this similarly –_

.._and OH HELL NO, NO ONE IS HOLDING ME DOWN LIKE THIS AGAIN AND DOING THINGS_

_NO MORE THINGS--!_

_A hand involuntarily shoots out, and grabs the perpetrator’s throat --- HARD_

_NO ONE IS HOLDING ME DOWN LIKE THAT_

_…AGAIN ---_

_Oh, fuck! _Raphael thinks, eyes bugging out, as he finds himself dangling in the air, held tightly by the throat, by Alec’s hand. Who is staring coldly at him. Blood filled eyes meets blood filled eyes. …

_By this time, Isabelle has approached the window, and is shocked at what she is witnessing._

Oh my god,” Isabelle whispers, seeing Alec grab Raphael by the throat. “Big brother??” 

Raphael is hanging loosely by Alec’s hand, dangling like a rag doll. Isabelle is now banging on the door, looking through the small window of the door at the two, yelling her lungs out.

But to no avail. 

Alec is _not_ paying attention. Alec’s attention…_is on Raphael._

She steps back from the door, and runs to get Catarina, who is down the hall somewhere.

Isabelle is more afraid for Raphael at this point, as she knows in her heart Raphael would never hurt Alec. But Alec –

Please, Alec, please…she thinks desperately. 

_Is that even her brother?_ _What is going on??!!!_

She stops as she looks left and right, rooted mid-step. She has not found Catarina. Dammit!

Isabelle quickly takes out her stele, scribbles a fire message and sends it off. She prays it will reach her intended target ASAP.

********

“A-Alec,” Raphael gasps, as best as he could. Alec’s hold is tight, unforgiving. “I’m…trying to help you…”

Alec keeps staring at him, either uncomprehending, or he just doesn’t give a _FUCK_ \---

*****

** _15 minutes earlier,_ ** _ **outside of the hospital**_

A portal opens in front of Catarina’s hospital, and Magnus steps out. He watches as the portal slowly dissolves, noting that it seems a bit weaker than usual.

He’s_ tired_, and a big part of him would rather be back in the loft, resting. However, nothing can keep him from Alec right now. And so, he soldiers on.

Overall, he is satisfied about the results from his memory wipe downtown yesterday. It was a big success. He doesn’t regret using a large portion his magic to fashion it. However, he’s still feeling just a bit tired from it…

“Hey, what the_ fuck_ are you doing here?!” a oh-too-familiar voice shouts. It’s angry, and directed at him.

Magnus turns. _What ---?!_

Suddenly a fist connects – hard!-- with his face, and sends him flying. _Holy shit…_

He’s off his feet, hurling toward the ground, headfirst. He lands with a hard thud.

He stays where he is, on the ground. He’s too stunned to move, or to get up.

Damn, Magnus thought idly, it’s been centuries since he’s been clocked like that, unexpectedly. Usually his magic would detect it, but since he’s been depleted, nothing is working right now

Fortunately he isn’t too badly hurt, due to his magic, but it definitely stings. That was certainly some blow!

He peers up at the perpetrator. Oh boy, he thinks, dismayed. _ It’s Jace._

Jace, who is wearing his super-protective parabatai expression on his face. And anger etched in his beautiful features.

“I seem to recall a certain talk we had a few months ago,” Jace said in a quiet, restrained voice, his voice down to dangerously low levels toward the end. He’s glaring down at Magnus.

“Then I go away on mission, come back, and this shit happens??”

Magnus suddenly finds he isn't able to look at Jace in the eye.

“Look at me,” Jace stated coldly.

Magnus has no choice but to look at Jace. Jace angrily picks him right back up, grabbing him by the lapels of his jacket, and shakes him. Magnus offers no resistance, as he knows he deserves it. 

He’s about to cry, himself. Ugh…

“You stay away from him, you hear! You were supposed to protect him – and now he’s upstairs, fighting for his life! Isabelle told me you dumped him like a sack of potatoes. For no reason! How could you??” 

Jace is freaking out now, so angry he is crying.

Magnus is rendered speechless. He has no strength to keep his glamour either, and it drops. Glistening golden cat eyes meet steely heterochromatic eyes. They just stare at each other for what seems like an eternity.

A fire message suddenly flies and hits Magnus in the face. Jace intercepts it. “It’s for you,” he says coldly. “Seriously??”

Magnus looks at the message. Immediately he stiffens.

NEED YOU. IT’S ALEC. Hurry!!! – Isabelle.

Magnus looks up pleadingly to Jace, who now has an agonized, confused expression on his face, as he has read the message as well. “Fuck,” he groaned. “Isabelle did ask for you. I guess you need to go.”

He lets go of Magnus, albeit not gently.

“This isn’t fuckin over between us though,” Jace warns Magnus. “Not by a long shot.”

Magnus gulps, nodding stiffly. “T-Thank you,” he stammers, attempting to be polite. 

He doesn’t wait to see Jace’s response. He throws up a portal and runs into it –

…To the hallway where Alec’s hospital room is located.

Isabelle’s eyes are wide and frantic. “Magnus, thank goodness! Alec has Raphael! Hurry!”

What?? Magnus thought, his thoughts all discombobulated. Never mind though, Isabelle is freaking out, so he’s going to freak out.

He marches resolutely toward the door, not knowing what he might see…

** _Inside _ _Alec’s hospital room_**

Alec is holding Raphael tightly by the throat, his gaze unfocused.

Raphael is dangling, now choking and gasping for air.

The door suddenly _flies_ open.

“ALEC….STOP!!!” a booming voice stated. That breaks Alec out of his mindless stupor_. Magnus. It’s Magnus._

Magnus has an expression of shock on his face. The scene itself looks like an absolute bloodbath, and both Alec and Raphael are covered in blood. 

“Please, Alexander,” Magnus pleads softly, “Please let Raphael go.” Alec’s eyes flicker toward Magnus, who suddenly notices that the his eyes are blood-red. 

Magnus freezes.

What? Alec’s mind registers. Dumbly, he stares at Raphael, who he has in a vice grip by the throat. Raphael is choking by this time. 

What was he doing????

“By the Angel,” Alec manages to gasp. Raphael seems to breathe a slight of relief upon hearing this.

Without a word, Alec releases his grip, Raphael stumbles and falls backward on the ground. Magnus has not moved from his spot, still staring at Alec. Alec has fallen backward himself, and now is sitting on the floor, dazed.

Raphael manages to stand up, a shocked and incredulous look on his face. His hand is still at his own throat, feeling around the area. It's bruised, just from Alec's hand. "Damn, he's pretty strong for a _non-fledging._ _Ay dios mio,_" he mutters almost inaudibly, in a tone that some might describe as being a whine.

"I can't believe he's currently stronger than _me_. So _not_ fair..." 

Raphael rolled his eyes in annoyance, and wrinkles his nose in distaste, looking at Alec.

Alec is still staring straight ahead, eyes unfocused from his seat on the floor.

Magnus’s eyes had widened upon hearing Raphael’s words, and now looks even more horrified.

“Is…is he ---” Magnus manages to gasp.

“No, he isn’t, Papa,” he suddenly hears Raphael mutter. Raphael motions for Magnus to come over to the side so they can take privately. Magnus does so.

“The effects should be only temporary," Raphael explains. “He will have heightened senses for awhile, but he does seems to be conscious about how he acted, so the worst is over. However, he really needs to be monitored. Make sure he gets transfused fully, as right now he is reacting instinctively, due to the low level of blood in his body. This is a crucial time for him, especially for the next week or so. Also, it would be best for him to stay with you in the loft, and not at the NY Institute. Keep him away from Nephilim – his senses will be in overdrive as well, and Nephlim blood will be excruciating for him to sense. I will explain everything to Isabelle…and I will also give you a call later on.”

This pleading shakes Magnus back to reality. “O-Okay, hijo. Call me later, then,” he says softly, trying to retain composure. Raphael puts his hand on Magnus’s shoulder in a sign of solidarity, then turns and walks out the door. 

Raphael stops in front of Isabelle ,who still looks shocked. But her eyes register on who is in front of her, and her expression changes. 

"By the Angel, Raphael!" she says worriedly.

Immediately he's engulfed by a huge hug as Isabelle takes him in her arms. 

He stiffens.

"Ow," he says automatically. 

Then just as quickly, "Em, sorry, still recovering," he says softly, quickly apologizing for the complaint.

She laughs awkwardly as she releases her hold a bit.

"I'm sorry," she whispers. 

She pulls back and looks at his neck, and gasps. 

There are two large, ugly bluish bruises clearly visible on his neck, where Alec had clutched him.

Isabelle turns her worried eyes onto Raphael. “You okay? Those look horrible," she said. "I still can't believe what I saw."

Raphael observes her eyes on him. She is frightened...and worried about Alec. 

_She's wondering if her brother is still her brother,_ he realized.

He takes a deep breath. "Alec will be fine, just a rebound thing. I'll talk to you about it later," he states, trying to sound reassuring.

Isabelle's shoulders sag with relief. "Thank you, Raph," she whispers. She leans in and lightly brushes her lips with his. 

He leans into it -- he loves it when she does that. It feels so intimate between them when they do...

They stay like that for a few minutes.

He then pulls away slightly, and clears his throat.

“Feel like getting out of here for a bit? Maybe something for you to eat?” Raphael asks. “I could use a change of scene myself. Also we can chat a bit more about everything.”

Let’s give them some time alone together, he thinks.

Isabelle looks at him thoughtfully, and nods, giving him a small smile. “I could use a break. Besides, Magnus is there with Alec, I’m sure it will be fine.” 

They intertwine their hands together, and start walking down the hallway toward the elevators.

******

In the room, Magnus is struggling not to burst into tears at this very moment, looking at his Alec. 

Who has now directed his gaze to him, with a vacant expression on his face. 

Oh Alexander, he thinks sadly.

_I will take care of you. I failed before; I will not fail again, _he thinks. 

He slowly walks over to him, keeping Alec in his line of sight, careful not to make any sudden movements. Theres no telling what Alec might or might not react to, in his current state. Magnus kneels in front of Alec, whose gaze has not left Magnus’s for a second.

They look at one another.

When Magnus finally speaks, it is slow and deliberate. “When you are feeling a little more steady, I’m going to take you back to the loft with me,” he tells Alec. He tries his best to hold his gaze, even though the sight of the blood-red eyes, and the vacant expression on his face, is almost killing him inside.

"But for now, we need you to get well. Can you please just let Catarina transfuse you, without complications? Don't pull that out again, okay?"

He does not realize that he is holding his breath, until Alec slowly nods. He then lets us a huge breath, which takes him by surprise, and his whole body suddenly relaxes.

By this time, Catarina had silently walked back into the room and it's standing next to Magnus, her eyes as big as saucers upon seeing the state of the room. 

_The hell??? _she thinks, incredulously. The walls are caked with dried blood, Alec is bathed in blood, and his arm is leaking blood from where he pulled out the IV.

Does she want to know what happened? She flashes a look at Magnus. From the expression on his face, she decides perhaps it is better to just let things be. She nods at Magnus, who flicks his wrist. 

The room is now spotless, as is Alec. Alec looks down, dazed, at his now clean skin and hospital gown. He says nothing.

“Catarina, my dear,” Magnus says. “Alec is going to continue his transfusion. Sorry about the mess. There shouldn’t be any further interruptions or trouble.” 

Catarina smiles then, and turns to Alec. “We will get you set up once again. I will be right back.” She leaves the room.

Magnus turns back to Alec. "Once you are better, you will come home. With me," Magnus repeats gently. He picks himself back up to a standing position and looks down at Alec. 

"Can I help you up, so you can sit back in bed?” He tentatively holds out his hand to him.

He isn’t expecting anything, although he will feel hurt if Alec doesn’t respond. Or even worse, looks at him with disdain. Then again, he does deserve it. The thought still hurts his heart beyond anything he could imagine. He braces himself for the impending pain to come…particularly for his heart being torn in two from possible rejection…

Alec just continues to stare up at him. There's just too many sensations hitting him all at once.

However, the one thing he does feel…is an almost crushing sense of loneliness.

He’s not sure he can trust Magnus. But --

_I do not have anyone,_ he thinks_. I need to fend for myself._

His heart is like stone -- he doesn’t even feel sad, just empty. 

His logical reasoning takes over.

_But -- I have nowhere else to go…so I guess I will go with him. _

Slowly, Alec nods, and puts his hand in Magnus’s. Magnus pulls him up, and helps him to sit in bed. Magnus turns slightly as he starts to lets go of Alec's hand, but then encounters resistance. He turns back, his eyes wide with surprise. Alec is still holding his hand.

Magnus had not expected him to do that. He’s unable to keep his glamour up, and his golden cat eyes drop. He is trembling with emotion and nervousness. Alec is unable to look away.

They just look at one another, silently – a slightly stronger gaze between them. However, he still notices Alec’s expression is still somewhat vacant. He tries not to let that get to him. 

We just need time, he thinks. 

Yes...if it was only _that_ easy....he knows it won't be.

Magnus places his other hand on his, and squeezes it gently. He says in a soft tone, "Alexander, I think it would be better if you rested for the remainder of the evening, while this transfusion is going on. At least once it's done you will be a bit more level headed. The lack of blood is making you act more instinctively. At this point, especially with this condition, your actions are completely unpredictable." 

Waves of blue magic are already moving toward Alec, enveloping him almost like a hug, and he's feeling a bit sleepy. He lays down on the bed, his head on a pillow. He’s still holding Magnus’s hand, and it feels like an anchor that is holding him steady, keeping him from floating away…

Involuntarily, Alec yawns. As it registers that Magnus’s magic is making him sleepy, his brain slowly thinks, " I... d-didn't want to sleep though.” But his eyes have already fallen closed, and before long, he is peacefully there, his head on his pillow, breathing evenly.

Magnus is still holding his hand as he sleeps, just looking at his resting form.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Placebo - Running Up That Hill
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-mYX0qKkB8
> 
> _You don't want to hurt me,  
But see how deep the bullet lies...  
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder  
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts_


	11. Getting Saved Was the Easy Part...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is still in the hospital, as Catarina doesn't deem him ready to be discharged, just yet. 
> 
> Everyone is still working out their feelings about the situation in their own ways.
> 
> Confused and shell-shocked, Alec regresses into old habits he thought had been long gone -- while spiralling into some new, disturbing ones -- prompting Catarina to finally take action.

** _Mood: The Cure - Lullaby_ **

Alec is alone again in a red room. The room itself is so dim, so one can never truly see who is there, or what is going on. His mind is foggy, woozy, and he can barely see around him.

He just feels a level of suffocation, and of forces pulling him down…back…back...from where he’s supposed to be. 

He looks all around frantically, as echoing voices start emerging louder and louder…

_“Here a Nephilim…there a Nephilim…Your blood is soo enticing! Now where are you hiding, darling?”_

Ghostly voices are now echoing, with words one can never really make out…. just a lot of murmuring right now…they seem to be getting closer…

There suddenly seem to be red, white, and black colors approaching him, enveloping him, billowing in and out…if they were tangible they would be like translucent sheets of silk or fabric that one can almost see through but you can’t…

He twists and turns one way, it all tightens around him…at one point it is so tight he can’t breathe! 

They try to grab (?!) his legs!! He shrieks and manages to twist away from this…

And so desperately, he writhes like crazy…and manages to get free!

His first instinct is to run. But all around him is all red, with no doors just endless mazes with no openings or hints on where to go. But he can’t just stay put…

So he’s just running…running…mindlessly…

Toward an exit? Just running in circles? Who knows? But he cannot stop, that’s for sure.

To stop means to give up…and damned if he is going to do that! He stops for a moment to catch his breath, and sees an opening close to the ceiling with light shining in…the thing is about 100 feet above him though…even with his Nephilim skills he can’t make that jump. After all he’s not an Angel with wings so he’s only relegated to that of Earth…

He senses slight movement, and whirls around…a tangled storm of black, red, and white sheets are coming for him, wanting to trap him

_“love you love you love you love you…”_

The tangles encroach upon him, catch up to him, encircle his wrists with now what looks like red and black cloth (?!) and hold steadfast! He’s thrown hard to the ground, so hard he loses his breath _for a second_ \--

\-- but then something else – a body?? – falls ON him! It’s heavy and _smothering…_

The tangle of sheets – or whatever this is -- start to surround him…. red, black, white _that’s all he can make out…_!!

It engulfs his whole body…

And something _– it? --_ it’s gripping him and tightening in all areas it can grab, as if this thing had _hands_…_but that’s impossible ---_

He fights and tears at the entrapment with his entire being…but he’s getting literally wrapped up in this thing, it goes over his face, binding his limbs… and he tries to scream but nothing comes out --!

Everything goes to black ---

_“Be still be calm be quiet now my precious boy_ _  
Don't struggle like that or I will only love you more…”_

…almost a second later, he fights himself out of the tangled web…his face as white as alabaster, his eyes as red as blood – he feels himself changing, he is horrified!!!~

He opens his mouth, and fangs _sprout out_\---!

**Help me!! Please!!! H---**

“_Finally, darling. You are mine,”_ a too familiar voice coos possessively, with a clucking sound made with his tongue.

He whirls around. It’s Michael! 

Michael bears down on Alec, holding down both wrists. They both fall onto the ground together.

_He is unable to move. _

Michael’s tongue lasciviously rolls out and massages the side of his neck, right on his Deflect Rune --

_I own you, he whispers. _ Alec can’t help it, he’s already shuddering from the sensations from his tongue…he is helpless…

_“love you love you love you…”_

He hears the sharp fangs shoot out, the sharp pointy tips scraping against his rune as Michael plays with him _\---_

"_One more bite, and you are mine.._."

_Pop! They break the skin, and the venom hits ---_

Alec screams~!

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

Alec nearly leaps off the bed in a fright, he’s sweating profusely. He brings his hand to his face and feels inside his mouth.

Normal teeth. No fangs.

By the Angel, it was just a dream.

He sat back on the bed, still mindblown. His heart is still beating way too hard, his eyes as wide as saucers…

This was the third time this week! 

Shit! But today was the first day it had ended_…like that. _Usually he would awaken before he saw who it was, or what he had become. The other times all the imagery was just very vague with the same sense of horror and dread…

He manages to sit up in bed and stands up. He’s no longer sleepy – not after that. Walking to the small shelf by the window, he picks up the glass of water and takes long sips, relishing the coolness of the water running down his throat. 

He feels a lot better today than in the past few days. He has been woozy otherwise, days and moments blurring into one another…

The cool water does the trick – it calms him down.

He walks past the bathroom, barely glancing at the mirror. But what he does see stops him cold. 

He stares – hard -- at the reflection in the mirror. He hasn’t seen himself since he was brought in here…

He notices his eyes – they are not hazel! They are blood red! 

Actually he can see the hazel peeking out from an edge. But still! What the fuck!

He shuts his eyes tightly, throws his head back, and screams~!

Catarina runs in. “What’s wrong Alec!” she pants, clearly out of breath. Then she notices him standing by the bathroom, facing the mirror. “My…eyes,” he gasps.

Alec looks horrified! And he is literally as _white _as a sheet.

Or…as white as how he was _that day -- _

Fear grips her. Catarina closes her eyes for a moment. Be still, he’s conscious, remember that, she tells herself. It wasn’t like that day, or the ones that followed. 

_Do.not.panic._

She sighs. 

“Alec. You have been suffering this condition for the past few days,” she said, putting a hand on his shoulder. Alec doesn’t’ make any move to flinch or turn away, and she’s encouraged to keep talking. “Since you had that incident with Raphael, that’s when it manifested. Admittedly, it seems to be taking awhile to leave your system, for whatever reason.”

Alec then turned to look at Catarina. “Raphael,” he rasps. Oh right, that incident. Where he had nearly crushed Raphael’s windpipe. When he had awoken from whatever stupor he had been in, he had found his hand firmly clenching Raphael by the neck, keeping him suspended in the air.

Strangely he did not feel much about it when he thought back upon it. There was really not much to tell.

Well, besides the fact that he had hurt Raphael.

Alec didn’t know what was going on anymore. 

He just didn’t even seem to know himself anymore…

Catarina put her arm around him. It is comforting, and he lets out a small sigh.

“Let me help you back to bed,” she says gently. “I’m going to give you something to allow you to rest, okay?’

He nods dumbly. He allows her to lead him back into bed, and she tucks him in, like a mother would to a child.

********

** _Toward the end of the week..._ **

_Mood: The Cure: Same Deep Water As You_

Catarina is looking down at her notes, her brows furrowed. She's frowning at her progress notes. Alec should have been physically better by now. But he isn't. 

He had barely touched his food in the past few days, and she would catch him staring into space a lot of the time. His skin was still somewhat of a dull pallor, as was his eyes. 

Thankfully Alec had finally lost the bloody red pupils, the jerky motions and nervous tics, which had plagued him almost all last week. And he had stopped staring at her every time she came into the room...as if she was some sort of...snack? It had unnerved her the first few times when he did that. Her mind went back to the moment when she had walked into the room, seeing all that blood in the room, all that blood on him. That had shocked her to the very core. 

She tried to remember what Raph had said. That Alec didn't need to feast. It was only psychological, due to the physical trauma, venom, and loss of blood he had endured by that rogue vampire. She could tell day by day, that it was disappearing. Slowly.

His eyes, although back to hazel, were sunken, dull, unfocused, and weary.

Besides that morning, where she had rushed into Alec’s room after hearing him scream, she had received ongoing reports from the night nurses during his stay here -- of moaning, and occasional screaming coming from the room. Her heart ached when she received these reports. 

Unfortunately there was just nothing that could really be done with that. 

She did, however, inform Magnus. 

Without a word, he had begun to come over to stay and hold his hand overnight. And the moaning and screaming were noticeably absent from reports going forward.

She had been so glad for that. 

She looked down at her checklist again. 

72 hour suicide watch – Well, that had quickly come and gone. Unofficially he was still on it, a few days later -- in her mind, that is. All her senses are on edge, when it comes to Alec. He had not made any real progress to move himself officially off it.

Magnus initially had wanted to take him home. Then he had done a 180, and asked that Alec stay on under her watch, just to keep him safe. She had agreed with his decision, and informed Isabelle about it. 

Isabelle had not fought her on it. 

"Tell Alec the Institute is in good hands with us," she told Catarina. "He shouldn't need to stress about this, that’s the last thing that should be on his mind.

Regardless of how Alec felt about it, he definitely needed a meeting with her in therapist mode. 

Hopefully he would talk, if Catarina was the one who initiated it.

**************** 

** _Two days later, in the morning…_ **

There's a knock at the door.

"Alec?" a soft, familiar voice asks hesitantly. 

Alec’s eyes brighten upon hearing the voice. He clears his throat, and speaks. "Izzy," he rasps. 

His voice isn't back to what it was yet. He's been having trouble speaking, due to how weak he has been. And the screaming...

"Come in," he says a bit more loudly, hoping she can hear him.

She can, and she does. 

Slowly she pulled the door open, and steps inside. Her heart sinks at her brother's dull pallor. But she notices that his eyes, hazel again to her great relief, regard her with a hint of the old Alec -- warm, and happy to see her. 

"Here you are," she murmurs softly. "May I?" she asks, opening her arms toward him. He doesn't answer, but moves his torso slightly toward her to accept the embrace. It is as warm as he remembers. His eyes tear up.

“How are you feeling, Alec?” Isabelle asks. “Have you seen Magnus?”

Alec has, and he hasn’t. He has been woozy and sleeping a lot these past few days. 

“Catarina says he’s been here,” he said, clearing his throat loudly. 

His throat still feel really rough. He knows it’s from screaming from the nightmares which plagued him during the first half of the week. 

At Isabelle’s confused look, he continues, “Catarina says I have been having nightmares and screaming my lungs out. She told Magnus. She says he has been staying over and holding my hand. That’s the report she gets from the night nurses.”

He shrugs.

“I guess he has been, if she says so,” he said doubtfully. 

He looks away for a minute. He can feel pressure building up behind his eyes. Tears are threatening to come out. 

He takes a deep breath, and the feelings pass.

He isn’t completely sure about Magnus staying overnight – the nurses say so. But he never sees him – he is always alone when he wakes up. Sometimes, just sometimes, he swears he feels Magnus’s blue magic lingering around when he first wakes up.

He swears he feels it.

But…why doesn’t he stay, then? 

These days, when he wakes up, he always feels a bit lonely, wistful, and empty. But then again, he’s still not entirely sure how he feels about Magnus. So in a sense, he’s glad he’s not around. They did share that moment after the incident with Raphael, but it had been too much too soon on some level for Alec. 

There was so much he needed to think about – to clear up in his head.

“Magnus doesn’t stay to see you wake up?” Isabelle asks incredulously. “I can’t believe that!” What’s up with Magnus? she wonders. He would have been the first to not leave her brother’s side. 

Things are really strange lately, she decides.

Her eyes fall upon his hands, which are a bit dry with ragged cuticles. She notices these little details.

She had an idea.

“Hmm your nails and cuticles look awful, they could use a trim. May I?” she asks. She reaches into her bag and take out a small pair of sharp nail scissors. She takes his hand in hers, and begins to shape his nails.

He is transfixed at the sight of the nail scissors, of Isabelle using them to cut his nails into perfect squared shape, and fixing his cuticles around his fingernails. Such a simple thing to do, and it seems alien to him, in light of what’s happened lately.

He wonders if he will ever feel normal again.

Isabelle turns to leave. “Izzy,” he rasps. “Do you mind if you leave the nail scissors? I liked what you did. I’d like to try by myself at some point.”

Isabelle smiles. No harm in that, she thinks, as she puts them in his pouch next to the bed. She kisses the top of his head and leaves. 

As she closes the door behind her, she seems deep in thought. She takes out her stele and scribbles a fire message and sends it off. 

She sighs. “As usual, it is up to me to move things along,” she states to no one in particular.

She grins. She’s done her good deed of the day today.

*****************

**@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@**

After Isabelle leaves, Alec’s still staring at the back of the door.

“What now?” he thinks. He feels so listless. He feels so blank. He wishes he could feel something – anything.

His thoughts go to the nail scissors. 

No.

He tries to think about something else. Yet his thoughts keep going back to them, sitting in his pouch. He wonders how they would feel, scraped against his skin. 

He has not done anything like that in years, not since when he was younger, and he had lost his grandmother. He couldn’t feel much back then either. One day he found a razor in the bathroom, and just decided to lightly graze his skin to see if he could feel sensations. 

Well the first touch was way too light, just dragging right above the superficial part of the skin. It had almost tickled…tempting, tempting. Well one thing had led to another, and soon there had been a steady dribble of blood down his arm from an open wound he had created. It didn’t even hurt…

He had stared at it for a while…watching the blood drip down. He was transfixed, almost fascinated by it.

Eventually the logical part of his brain had set in. It was enough to terrify his young mind. _What was he doing?? _

Quickly he had put the razor aside, grabbed a towel, wet it with cold water, and pressed hard against the wound until it closed. Now he felt the sting of it, and he winced. Leaned against the cold bathroom tile wall, he shuddered. 

Slowly, with his back against the wall, he slid down to the floor in a sitting position, closing his eyes. His heart was beating too quickly, he heard his heart beating way too fast, partly from fear, partly from adrenaline.

Guilt had flooded his entire body later that day, as he had told his mother he had just scratched his arm doing something outdoors, gritting his teeth as he lied to her for the first time in his life…

**@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ **

***********

** _Later that afternoon…_ **

“Just checking in with you, Alec,” Catarina stated. “How are you today?”

That had brought him back to reality.

“Uh, I’m…okay, I suppose,” Alec stated slowly. 

He didn’t feel like talking today. He could feel Catarina’s intense gaze upon him. He couldn’t bear to look at her concerned, pitying eyes. So he looked at the wall in front of him.

“I don’t really feel much, to tell you the truth,” he rasps. He cleared his throat loudly. 

Catarina gave him a look just then. It seemed either empathetic tinged with a bit of pity. He was not sure how to take that. He did not want pity. 

“That’s normal,” she said softly. “However, to start to get past it, you do need to talk about all of it, at some point. Like, what happened in the den. What happened with Michael –”

Alec visibly flinched. Beneath the sheets, he clenched his fist, digging his nails into his palm.

“Don’t _ever, ever _say that name ever to me. Again,” he stated, his voice trembling – it had come out a bit louder than he had intended. Catarina did not seem to react to that – as she was probably used to patients reacting. 

“I will come back a little later, Alec. Please get some rest.”

She turned and left the room, closing the door, leaving Alec alone with her thoughts.

Damn Catarina for bringing up Michael, he thought. He did not mean to talk to Catarina that way, but he couldn’t help it. Up until now, he had been successful in keeping him away from his mind. 

But now, it was all he would think about…

It was bad enough he saw him in his dreams (_nightmares?_). Or at least his brain’s interpretation of whatever visions represented Michael.

It was never clear what Michael was doing – to him. But the fact was, things had been done to him.

_And he remembered every single little thing. _

He wasn’t sure if he would allow anyone to ever touch him again in that way. 

Which was unfortunate since he had remembered what a beautiful thing it could be, when it was consensual, with the one you love.

What did that really mean, anyway? Love.

He thought he had known, once. He thought he would have it for the rest of his mortal life. 

With Magnus. But then when he needed it the most, he had_ abandoned_ him.

And he had ran…into that vampire.

_Michael. _

He flushed as memories of feelings, sensations of touch, and his words, colored by the memories of agony and physiological memory flooded through him.

That had not been love. But his mind and body had almost been fooled….

If he blocked out the part where his mind kept saying no, it had been easy to fool his body. His body had definitely responded to Michael in every sense that a consensual lover did…

His _I love you’s_, his reminding him that he had given him a place to stay and hide out, thus attending to his needs -- combined with his hands, especially his fingers assaulting his prostrate, had brought his body to undeniable levels that he did not want to admit to at this time. It was shameful. 

He couldn’t stop the contradicting thoughts circling in his head. His mind was totally fucked up. It was giving him a migraine. 

He flushed again, hating what had been done to him – making him think fucked up thoughts.

Damn, he shouldn’t get hard thinking about it…but here he was. 

He was so hard right now, it was impossible to ignore. It was so tempting to _touch…_

The next few moments, he tried desperately to wish it away. 

Think negative thoughts, he thought. Think of how much you hate him. Think of how he imprisoned you against your will. That he lured you to the den. What good person does that? 

_He should hate him, hate him, hate him…_

_ Alec. Don’t even think about it –_

His mind was way too slow. His hand had already reached down and grabbed the sensitive area of his cock, his thumb on the underside where his frenulum was. He stroked it roughly a few times, and brushed his fingertips against the slit.

His breath came out, raggedly.

The next thing he knew, he had raised his bed until he was practically sitting. He slipped his other hand under the sheet, grabbing the base of his balls in a super tight grip, as tight as he could. He shifted one leg so he was comfortable in his position. 

Then he started moving that hand which was on his cock in a constant motion. Then faster, faster still. He could feel the sensations building, but that grip at the base of his balls kept him from being able to come. It was excruciating…yet denying this sent shivers all over his body. He couldn’t put a finger on it. 

His body was responding to it. 

He kept stroking, harder and harder, as that shiver grew. As he kept denying himself his orgasm. He closed his eyes, taking in all the sensations. The sensations in his cock became so intense, it almost bordered on painful. And yet he didn’t release the hold at the base of his balls. 

Somehow that feeling of being held back…it excited whatever was going on in his head. 

His mind started wandering as he was accomplishing this…he started feeling lightheaded…

_“I love you love you love you,”_ Michaels’ soft voice suddenly reverberated in his head. 

Suddenly Alec could feel everything coming back – Michael’s three fingers twisting in, stretching and dragging delicious friction, how he _hated_ yet _yearned_ for more of Michael's ministrations...hitting his prostrate again and again, as the tension built…how painful yet delicious it was being held back, even as excruciating it was…

His eyes flew open as the memories assaulted him, and his hands let go of his cock. His brain was in shock. His cheeks burned as he flushed with immense shame.

He just sat there for a few minutes, finding it hard to catch his breath. His brain was not functioning.

He was so unbearably hard, it was excruciating. He needed it. He needed release.

_Don’t, Alec. Just let this go. You don’t need to be dwelling on him. _

_You don’t need to start something else that could lead to an addictive habit…_

His hands and body were not obeying his thoughts. His hands had already made it back to his cock, and he was pulling, pulling, pulling really hard now, even using the sheets and wrapping them around his hand while stroking to bring forth more friction and texture to this. 

His other hand curled slightly, fingernails digging into his thigh, as he slowly dragged his fingers over his naked skin, traveling upward, as he chased his high…

And the combined sensations were building, building, building…

…as the images of Michael assaulting him flooded his mind.

“No…Michael…don’t do this to me. You shouldn’t. Stop it, stop it. Nnnnth nnnth,” he mumbled over and over again, half out of his mind, as he pulled, pulled, pulled even harder. His eyes closed as the sensations increased.

"_Love you love you love you…," he whispered the forbidden words, unable to help himself._

“Michael, Michael…n-nooo…” he whispered audibly, his eyes still shut tightly. He was not aware that his voice had slowly gotten louder the more aroused he got.

His fingernails dug deeper into his flesh as the sensations grew closer, closer still....

He was so into this, he didn’t even hear or see the portal that had opened up in his room right then.

_“…love you love you love you…”_

A few feet away from the bed, Magnus just stared at him in horror – at his beautiful Angel getting off, with words coming out of his mouth, which belonged to _someone else_ – and even worse it was that of his kidnapper/attacker.

His face slowly broke down into an expression of deep sadness and distraught. But he couldn’t look away.

Even as the situation was beyond reproach, Alec still looked beautiful, with his eyes dilated, his voice pleading, his dark hair all mussed up and mouth falling open,breathing shallow breaths.

He watched as Alec came violently, his back arching, his cum shooting out all over his lower half, his breaths ragged and his body jerking about. Alec moaned and writhed, repeating the name over and over – the name that he never thought Alec would ever speak of again. 

Alec’s vision had gone to black as he came, and then he shuddered and collapsed back on the bed.

That was probably one of the strongest orgasms he had ever had.

But he felt so shameful. 

He could feel the stickiness against the sheets, against his naked thighs and legs, as a reminder of how disgusting this whole display had been…

_Was it worth it Alec?_

Alec’s eyes suddenly flew open, as he sensed someone in the room. His eyes turned to Magnus, who was standing at the foot of his bed.

_Uhh when he did come here?_ _How__ much had he seen? _

The horrified look on Magnus’s face told him what he needed to know.

_Oh fuck,_ Alec thought faintly, the feelings growing worse as he slowly came back to reality.

“Magnus,” he uttered, too spent to say anything else. His whole being wanted to tell him he was sorry – but he was too exhausted, and still caught up in the forbidden high, to say much else.

His eyes were half-lidded, his mouth partly open, and he probably looked beyond wrecked – there was nothing he could say that could make this situation better.

He had just betrayed Magnus with what he had said and done.

_“_Sorry, A-Alec,” Magnus stuttered, suddenly averting his eyes. “I should not have come by without notifying you first. I won’t do so, ever again.” He turned to leave.

“Magnus, w-wait,” Alec pleaded.

But Magnus had already bolted out the door.

*********

Magnus shut the door to Alec’s room quickly, and just stood there facing the hallway.

“Ugh,” he muttered almost inaudibly, “That’s the last time I respond immediately when Isabelle messages me.” The joke’s on me, he thought miserably.

He still can’t believe what he had just witnessed. He feels heartbroken beyond belief, despite his knowing that he had no right to be. Alec isn’t his – not anymore really, not in the way that he used to be, especially after everything that had happened.

But he had hoped that they could someday get back to that place where they were, given some time.

This just seemed to push everything much further back than he had expected. 

He wanted to scream, cry, do something. But he was still too shocked. So he did nothing, just remained standing there, staring into space.

He didn’t even hear footsteps approach.

“Magnus?” a familiar female voice stated. He nearly jumped, despite the fact that he would have known that voice anywhere.

“C-Catarina,” he croaked, not looking at her.

“What’s wrong? Is it Alec?” she asked, concerned. “Is he okay?’

“Depends on how you define as okay,” he choked with a short laugh. “Maybe he thinks he himself is okay. I don’t think he’s okay at all…”

He trailed off, suddenly not trusting himself to say anything objective. He wants to be fair to Alec, so badly. But right now he’s finding it hard to be. Magnus's own feelings are overwhelming him, and he feels like utter shit.

He finds Catarina looking at his face closely, carefully.

“Magnus, I have a few minutes if you need to talk,” Catarina says gently. “Anything for one of my closest friends…”

Magnus isn’t in the mood to talk right now. He actually needs to go off alone, and think. 

He finally turns to look Catarina in the eye. “You are seriously the best,” he said softly. “But I’m not ready to talk at this very moment. However, I promise I will come to you when I am ready.”

Catarina is very concerned for her friend, but she decides to let it go for now. “Okay, Magnus. You can call me anytime to set up an appointment, or just come by the apartment,” she states, as she put her arms around him. Magnus instinctively leans into her embrace, as he always had, in the decades that he has known her.

He feels tears escaping his eyes though, and quickly steps away, magicking them away quickly. He doesn’t' want any questions from her right now.

He feels he would break, if anyone would start asking any questions of him right now.

He just needs to leave, like right now.

************

** _A few days later..._**

Alec sits up in bed. He feels numb. His thoughts go toward that day, where Magnus had come to visit, unexpectedly. 

Magnus has since been scarce.

He still feels pangs when he recalls how shocked Magnus looked. Is he avoiding him now? He isn’t sure.

Truthfully, he’s not sure how he feels about that. As for the rest of him, he just feels numb.

He wishes he could feel something. He wishes he could feel normal.

And the only way he even feels remotely normal ---

He feels sick to his stomach as he recalls the last two days -- the compelling thoughts of anxiety, then thinking about being trapped at the den, helpless at the hands of his captor... hating him...but then if that was the case, why was his body_ unable to resist him..._

Why was his body responding to such thoughts now? -- then the same sticky sheets, sense of shame afterwards.

He's been much rougher each time as well, hating himself for giving in -- so he's dug in his fingernails deep, dragging them harder the next time, grabbing his balls harder, denying his release just a bit longer... prolonging the agony, almost as if punishing himself...

Which he probably shouldn't be doing, he thinks as an afterthought each time, because the release is just that much more explosive, the longer he is in agony. 

And then an even more deeper shame sets in afterwards...

He's even replayed that dream in his mind... _"I own you, Alec,"_ his sickening purr echoes around him. 

I guess he does, doesn't he? Alec thinks miserably. He imagines Michael holding him down by both wrists, Alec thrashing and trying to get away. The bite coming down swiftly on his neck...

Then Michaels on weight is on top of him, his gaze boring into his, as he triumphantly works him open, like he did at the den... Leaving_ Alec _feeling _hopeless_, _worthless...n_o longer able to fight him...a complete waste...just a body...

"_Love you love you love you..."_

And Alec had come with _such_ intensity with this vision -- that his senses and breath had left him, his vision nothing but spots in front of his eyes.

_What was wrong with him_???

Also, why was he touching himself to this?

And he _couldn't_ stop.

_He doesn't want to stop. _

He's disgusting. _So disgusting..._

_... So broken._

_ **@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@** _

Tears automatically fill his eyes – which is funny, because he doesn’t feel sad, or angry. 

He pretty much feels listless, and dead. _So dead._ However, when he pictures Magnus’s face, it hurts his heart. It’s a horrible feeling. He wishes it would go away.

His vision blurs, and he feels dazed. 

Then he is moving, but not aware of what he is doing.

Suddenly the nail scissors are in his hand (how did they get in his hand?) and he’s grasping them like one would hold a knife, like he’s about to use them to stab something, or someone. He idly looks at the fleshy part of his palm in his opposite hands.

_What is he doing ---_

He stares at the point a little too long, examining the blade part, which is smooth and so sharp that the light gleams on its edge. How easy it would be to just take the scissors and plunge them into that part of his palm. 

Just a little bit, just to take the edge off. 

Or a lot…maybe he would open up the scissors and drag the sharp side against his skin, just that tiny bit. Or do that a few times, just until it opened the skin

How much would it take to make him feel something? Anything at all? Or what would it take to get rid of this feeling every time he thought about Magnus?

He just needed _something…_

Suddenly the door opens. Catarina is standing there, and she’s transfixed, seeing Alec with the nail scissors.

“Where did you get those, Alec?” she asks slowly, cautiously in a guarded voice. She makes no move to walk forward. Instead, she is tense and trying to talk to him from the doorway.

Alec doesn’t answer. He doesn’t seem to have heard her.

“Alec? Look at me,” Catarina states.

No answer from Alec, who is staring at the scissors and his hand, as if in a trance. 

Suddenly he plunges the scissors into the fleshy part of his hand. He winces, but otherwise doesn’t react more than that. 

Blood start dripping out where the scissors have punctured his skin. 

He contemplates twisting them further into the wound -- as he would have normally done -- to prolong the pain.

But in the end, he decides not to.

“I felt that. So glad.” he whispers. He breathes a sigh of relief.

His eyes move toward Catarina.

They lock glances.

Catarina just stares at him, horrified. Then she snaps out of it quickly. She glances at Alec’s hand, which is bleeding. Her nursing instincts come into play.

“Let me get you something for that,” she said, leaning forward. He immediately withdraws, moving his body away from her. 

He feels...shame.

She immediately says, “I need to stop the bleeding. I’m just going to go get bandages, antiseptic, and stitching supplies just in case. But, you will need to turn those scissors over to me.” 

She puts her hand out. Alec wordlessly hands her the nail scissors.

“This wasn’t the first time, was it,” Catarina stated, already knowing the answer.

Alec shakes his head.

**@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@**

“Alec, we need to talk, soon. Can we schedule something?”

Alec is looking at her, but his look continues to be vacant. “Sure, let me know,” he says automatically, as if on autopilot. He sounds like he’s a million miles away. 

“Do you want Magnus to be here? Isabelle thought he would be the best person to be responsible for you,” Catarina continued in a careful tone of voice.

That seems to snap Alec out of it. He looks at her with a surprised look on his face.

"Isabelle agreed with this?” he asks hesitantly.

Catarina nods.

The scene from the past few days flow through Alec’s mind. “No, I don’t think he would come. He hates me right now, I’m sure of it,” he finally said, slowly. 

His eyes fill with tears.

“Why do you say that?” she asked, surprised. “He loves you.”

“I keep hurting him,” he whispers. “Even a few days ago.” He’s shocked at the words that just came out. He had not intended to tell Catarina about it. But guess it was all going to come out now, eh?

He tells her what happened, keeping his eyes lowered. Then what he's been doing in order to relieve anxiety, the stress, and not being able to stop himself from needing release -- it is the only way he feels any genuine feelings at all right now.

When he has finished talking, his cheeks are red with shame. He feels so ashamed.

"I don't know why my body reacts that way. I don't know who I am, anymore," he whispers in a broken voice.

Catarina’s face is kind, nonjudgmental.

“You know,” she states softly. “It’s not unheard of for this to happen. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were put in a very unfortunate position where you felt abandoned, and then you somehow ran to someone whom took care of you. But then used that to take advantage of you. Your feelings are very conflicted right now. You are coping with trauma. Don't blame yourself for what you feel compelled to do, this doesn't reflect whether you are a good or bad person. But just keep in mind that these things -- these habits -- cannot and should not be used long-term as a coping mechanism. It is not a good road to be on."

Alec felt the back of his neck turn blazing hot at those words, and his cheeks were burning. _Gad_...

Catarina's face was still open, empathetic, and nonjudgmental. Alec was suddenly so grateful to have her by his side.

"We can work on that, though, so that you end up needing to do it less and less over time. I can see that it is disturbing to you. That is the first step, to recognize the patterns that are not beneficial toward healing. Regardless, harming yourself is _never_ the answer though."

She looked at him, making sure she was holding his gaze. "As part of the healing and recovery process, you will need to first forgive yourself. For any little thing you need to do or think in order to get yourself through this. Do you think we can try that, at the very least?" 

Alec just looked at her. Then, slowly, he nodded.

Actually, he wasn't sure if he could. Forgive himself for shameful thoughts, fantasies? For not having strong enough willpower to resist the urges, for his body to resist?

Tall order, he thought wryly.

But, he would try.

"I would like for you to start therapy within the next few weeks if you are up for it.”

"Can you promise you will think about it?" Cat prodded softly. Alec looked at her, and slowly nodded. "I'll think about it," he said finally.

“And what about Magnus?” she asks. “Do you want him to be in therapy with you?”

“Do you think he would want to be?” he asks.

He looks down, suddenly finding it hard to speak. “Truthfully, I am not sure how I feel about him,” he said slowly. “I mean, I do care about him, and I always will, but I am not sure I can trust him.”

“However, my heart hurts to know that I probably did hurt him that other day. So I guess we’re even then?” he wonders aloud, his voice choking on the last bit.

It was weird, how conflicted he felt about Magnus at the moment. He did remember how much he had loved him before; there was security, and there was happiness.

To feel this instead…it was confusing his head and heart a bit.

“Magnus hasn’t come to me yet. But you know, he has a history of that. He usually keeps things all bottled in,” Catarina said gently, shaking her head at the thought of her old friend.

“However, I think maybe you can draw him out, if you cared enough to send him a message.”

She looked at Alec carefully. “Do you think you want to try reaching him?” she asked, holding out her phone.

He looked at the phone. Then he looked at Catarina.

“He mentioned that he wanted me to go home with him once I feel better. What do you think about that?” he asked slowly.

“Well,” Catarina stated, “You either go with him, or you go back to the Institute. Personally the loft is probably a more comfortable place for you as you heal, and there is enough space for you to have some breathing room, if you wanted some time to yourself. Magnus would abide by your wishes, I am sure of it."

She took Alec's hand and squeezed it gently, as a gesture of comfort. "I would make sure that both of you knew what the other expected. We can have weekly sessions at the loft; I would be happy to come by."

Alec looked down while digesting her words. It was a lot to process. Catarina continued, "I am sure you two have a lot to work out as well. It will be a long time before things get back to what they were – if they ever do at all. That will be up to you, and him.”

Alec thought about it for a few minutes. How did he feel about Magnus? Was it worth even trying to get back some semblance of what they were?

What were they, exactly?

He didn't even know if they were _anything_ to one another anymore.

How do two people come back... _from this_?

_ Well_, a little voice inside his head prodded, _wouldn’t hurt to try, wouldn’t it? _

As for texting Magnus, the worst thing Magnus could do would be to respond and say no, right?

How would Alec himself feel, if Magnus did indeed say no?

He wasn’t sure. But Catarina seemed like she wanted him to try.

“Okay,” he whispered, after a few minutes. He held out his hand, outstretched.

Catarina smiled softly. She was relieved. Perhaps there was still hope for them yet.

She placed her phone in his open palm.

“Baby steps, and no expectations,” she said. “Okay?”

“Okay,” he responded. 

He _wanted_ to do it, to text Magnus. His hands were shaking so much, though.

“Could you do this for me? Text him?” he ventured awkwardly. “I’m sorry.”

Catarina nodded as she smiled at him gently. “Sure, I will do it this time. Let’s work on getting more assertive with things once you are feeling much better, okay?” she said.

Alec nodded.

Catarina sent Magnus a message.

Alec held his breath and waited.

**************

Magnus is at the loft at the balcony, just looking out at the NYC skyline. He feels empty, and a bit forlorn. He tries not to think of Alec but it doesn’t work.

He swore to himself the other day that he would just give up on them. Too much has happened, and it was wrecking him too badly. Also who knew what others thought of him now? Jace hated him. 

Alec was probably better off without him.

He glances down at his arms.

He's been wearing long sleeves the last few days. He doesn't even want to look at his bare arms today. Too many visions as of late...

He winces.

Even thought it was probably best to give Alec up and move on, he misses him deeply. Even though things are so far from where they should be. 

He misses _them._

His phone buzzes. He picks it up. It’s Catarina.

“I’m in Alec’s room. Alec wants you to come by – but he is afraid to tell you directly. I think he wants to make an effort. I hope you will consider it,” the text said.

Alec was afraid of telling him that? Magnus’s heart drops.

“Oh, Alexander,” he whispers, tears coming to his eyes.

Suddenly it did not matter what happened the other day…

He was going to go to Alec. Now.

**************

“Magnus,” Catarina stated, suddenly seeing her old friend standing by the nursing desk. 

He lifted his head once to silently greet her.

Immediately she noticed that something was really off about him. Well, besides the fact that he hadn’t given her a hello hug and kiss like usual.

His manner of dress was the same…no it wasn’t that. 

It was…the look in his eyes. 

They looked immensely sad, darker than she’s ever seen them. 

“Catarina,” Magnus finally spoke, and his voice sounded a bit different than usual, even to himself. “How is he, Alec?” He gestured toward the room. 

Catarina could sense her friends’ hesitancy to approach Alec’s room. 

She moved closer to him and put her hand on his shoulder.

“Magnus, Alec told me what happened, what you witnessed,” Catarina said gently, looking Magnus directly in the eye. 

Magnus stiffened, and his glamour dropped instantly, revealing glistening gold eyes. The last thing he wanted was to relive _that_, he thought desperately. He turned his head away from her gaze, as the tears started falling. He starts gasping as the tears rolled down his cheeks and into his mouth. 

He choked on them as he sobbed, not bothering to hide his emotions away.

Suddenly there was a comforting arm and shoulder cradling his upper body in a hug.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Cry. I’m sure it’s been incredibly draining on you,” Catarina murmured softly, as she rubbed slow circles on his back.

They stood like that for a few minutes. Magnus finally stopped shuddering and crying, and just stood in Catarina’s embrace.

Catarina pulled away slightly, and held Magnus’s gaze. It was teary, but more focused now.

“I know you’re upset by it, and rightfully so,” she said slowly. “Alec told me he feels horrible about it. But you need to be cautious and tread lightly. Not saying you need to hide your feelings. However, Alec suffered a lot of trauma, and he needs to heal. He is going to need all your understanding, patience, and unconditional love. The loft will need to be an environment where he won’t be judged – no matter what he does or how he chooses to cope with his trauma. Otherwise, he may just backslide.”

Magnus considered her words.

“I'm not sure if I'll even be able to do this. It’s easier said than done,” Magnus stated, sighing. “i want to, though. I really really do. I guess I can try.”

He looked down at his fingers, starting to fiddle with his rings as he took a deep breath. "Did Alec say for sure he wanted to come back to the loft with me?" he asked hesitantly.

Catarina nodded. "He said he was willing to try. But you need to be willing." 

"There's also another issue I will need to speak to you about," Catarina stated, her eyes serious. "But I will let you see Alec first if you'd like, he's been waiting for you."

"Also, I never thanked you properly for coming overnight for Alec. I know that took a lot out of you by the time morning came,” Catarina added, giving him a big hug.

“Of course,” he murmured instantly. Anything for Alec...

He finally took a few steps forward, now standing right outside the door to Alec’s hospital room. 

He leaned to peek in the window.

Alec was sitting up in bed, and his hazel eyes lit up as they locked glances.

Oh, Alexander, Magnus thought wistfully. He had missed that look in those gorgeous eyes.

A shy smile appeared on Alec’s face. To Magnus, it was the most beautiful smile he had seen in a while. Magnus’s mouth curved into a smile right back and he gave Alec a little wave.

In response, Alec motioned for him to come into the room, with that familiar tilt of the head, and look he would always reserve for him.

Magnus's heart fluttered. Oh Alexander...

He felt hesitant all of a sudden, his mouth going dry. Breathe, he told himself. One step at a time.

Taking a deep breath, Magnus pushed the door open and walked in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love this video:  
[Kate Bush - Running Up That Hill](https://youtu.be/wp43OdtAAkM)
> 
> it could be interpreted so many ways...i liked the way it almost depicted a dream-like quality, and also as if someone was trying to run away from something, maybe even themselves or a certain aspect of themselves


	12. What the Heart Wants (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace comes back from endless patrolling to see Alec...  
only to find that Alec is no longer in the hospital. He's obviously not happy...  
Isabelle and Jace share confidence in one another and realize some truths.  
Having a weak moment, Isabelle turns to Raph...  
Despite his mixed feelings about Magnus, Alec is conflicted when he realizes that Magnus is MIA after their brief encounter a few days ago. Catarina is confused and a bit concerned.  
Magnus finallly opens up to Catarina, having experienced some recent unsettling events...

BAM BAM BAM -- !

A fist is pounding, pounding incessantly on a very familiar looking mahogany door. 

"Hey, open up! I know Alec is in there with you, Magnus! I don't know why in hell Isabelle let Alec go home with you, of _all_ people. Like _you_ deserve to be with him," a gruff voice was heard yelling.

"Anyway, open up!!"

Why did he even need to _be_ here, doing this? Jace thought. He was getting more annoyed by the minute. Alec should just be at the Institute, with his _family_. 

Not someone who he couldn't depend on..

He kept knocking, loudly, while looking down the hallway, as if someone would materialize out of thin air.

"You can't keep me from him," he said, continuing in a threatening tone. "I'm his freaking parabatai, that's closer than blood. Hell, that's closer than you --"

".. Jace?"

An almost inaudible rasp caught him by surprise, and he turned. 

The door had creaked open. An incredibly pale and wan looking face with a five o clock shadow, framed by mussed up dark locks and lackluster looking hazel eyes, had poked out. 

The individual looked at Jace with undisguised surprise.

It had taken Jace a minute to recognize him.

"...Alec?" 

*******

_Earlier today, around noon…_

"What do you mean, you left him leave two days ago?? And with _him_?!"

Jaces eyes flashed as he faced off with Catarina in the hallway of the hospital.

Suddenly he noticed how quiet the hallway is, so quiet in fact that one could hear a pin drop. 

Catarina assessed him coolly, yet with an empathetic look on her face. “I know you don’t agree, but it is the best thing we can do for Alec right now.”

The next few words out of Catarina’s mouth almost makes Jace’s blood boil once again, as much as when he had punched Magnus’s lights out when Alec was first admitted.

“Also, Isabelle agreed that Magnus could take him home, if Alec had been ready. Alec actually made this request on his own.”

….

After more than a week of nonstop missions, Jace was beyond tired. Moreover he has felt some strange almost-nonexistent vibes off his parabatai rune within the past few days. So finally he decided to stop in again to visit Alec -- only to be faced with an empty bed. 

Shocked, he had torn through the halls, demanding to speak to Catarina. 

Jace had found Catarina, who was busy, but she at least stopped to acknowledge and inform him. He regretted it upon hearing what she had said to him.

Jace snapped.

He doesn’t’ mean to be rude, but what the fuck. His head was swimming. How could Catarina let Alec go home…with Magnus! And Isabelle had agreed with this? Oh hell had frozen over! 

“I need to go,” he states quickly, brushing past her quickly.

When he got his hands on that warlock again, it would be too soon…

He’s about to take out his stele and activate his speed rune. 

Somehow, he ran into Isabelle first. 

Isabelle confirmed everything.

"But...he should be home with us!" Jace protested.

"But the Institute hasn't been Alecs home for awhile now. He always stays over Magnus's..." Isabelle trailed off as a resigned look shadowed across Jace's face. He knew his part in that --ever since Clary had come into their lives, mainly his life, he admittedly had not been treating Alec like the priority he should have been.

The guilt that suddenly flowed through his brain was way too much for him to handle.

He started pacing, pacing, pacing...

He didn’t want to think that he had been a horrible parabatai to Alec.

But it was starting to look that way in hindsight…

Also, call him crazy, but he actually hadn't been feeling anything typical off Alec via his parabatai bond. In fact the last time he recalled feeling anything -- even faintly - was an uneasy shudder running through Alec's soul, _almost as if he had voluntarily given up on himself? _

_But Alec would not have done that, would he? _

_The Alec he knew was far stronger in mind and spirit than to ever do such a thing._

_Wasn't he?_

"Also, would you be able to acknowledge and talk through everything that Alec went through in these past few weeks? Even I don't know the full extent of his trauma..Like it or not, Magnus does. That is his burden to bear," Isabelle stated.

She's not wrong, Jace's mind told him.

Jace’s blood slowly started boiling as upon thinking of Magnus. He’s the one who really failed Alec, he again thought angrily. He shattered his heart, and left him with no place to go. 

He didn’t _want _Magnus to be the key to all of this. 

How could he be, if he had been the one who started this whole chain of events?

And yet, he had to admit, there was some merit to what Isabelle was saying. Magnus knew what happened.

And with Catarina’s help, they could channel that toward helping Alec to heal. Hopefully, anyway.

"And he is choosing to take on the role. As he should," Isabelle was saying. "They have a lot to talk about."

Jace opened his mouth as if to argue. Isabelle gave him a look that made him pause.

He suddenly noticed Isabelle’s face; somehow she looked more worn, resigned, and more stressed than he had ever seen her. Had that been due to this incident with Alec?

She looked like she had not slept in days….

“Izzy…” he began. 

She held up her hand. “Jace, I need to clue you in on something first, just please listen.” 

There was an edge to her voice, which now sounded a bit roughened. 

He swallowed hard and nodded. She sounded serious.

Isabelle stepped a bit closer to Jace before speaking.

"Listen," she said, lowering her voice to a whisper, her big sister personality in effect.

"I know you think it's all Magnus's fault Alec got himself into that situation. And it may very well be. But Alec chose to run away -- and we still don't know why exactly. Why didn't he come directly to us? He should have known that we wouldn't judge him -- no matter what happened to make him feel that way. Something happened. And we failed him. At least I feel like I failed him. When I got that text from him to take over as Head temporarily, I should have just told more people, instead of just sitting on it. But you know us, we tend to trust Alec and just not question anything. But then this time, he was really in trouble."

She closed her eyes, swallowing hard. 

With a deep sigh, she laced her fingers around her back, and looked up, ever resolute the interim Head of the Institute. "I think in the end, we all learned our lesson this time -- we go with our gut, and we do a search and recover, as soon as possible." 

Isabelle's eyes were flashing with unshed tears and determination at the end of her speech to Jace. 

Jace just stared at her, tears about to fall from his own eyes.

"This can never happen again, that we let someone we love go missing for such a long time," Isabelle whispered. "Now I'm not even certain we can ever get Alec back...in the way that we used to know him, anyway." 

She paused, and then added, "Or, if we ever knew him, really...at all."

Suddenly her face fell, and her eyes clouded over. Jace could see the circles under her eyes…and the fear in her eyes.

Jace looked at her questioningly. 

"What do you mean by that, Izzy?" he asked, worriedly.

Isabelle just looked at Jace, feeling a bit apprehensively. 

She had to tell him what happened with Alec – and the part that she played in it. However, what would Jace think of her after this? It had been such a stupid rash decision on her part – giving Alec the nail scissors. But at the time she had really thought she was being nice, giving her brother what he asked for. 

She felt guilty.

Never mind that she had never been aware of Alec being prone to self-harm this way – as opposed to just over-training. He had done that so frequently over the years, that most people mistook it for being extremely disciplined. She had known that his over-training was his coping mechanism against the insecurities which would plague him if a mission did not go as planned, or if their mom and dad reprimanded him, or passed him over in favor of others. 

But she never thought Alec did any cutting. 

Well, not until Catarina had told her. 

And it had been like a slap in the face. She had excused herself quickly, needing to get away from Catarina’s too empathetic gaze, locked herself in the office, and cried. Then for the next two days, she cried herself to sleep, thinking how she had failed her big brother. 

Aline had graciously taken over as interim Head of the Institute these past two days. She had not felt like she would be very effective given this recent turn of events.

Regardless, she had to tell Jace. He was their family, and he cared about Alec.

Isabelle sighed.

"I went to see him earlier this week, in the room," she stated. "He seemed okay, but his eyes were vacant and even with a little hint of fear and resignation within them, as if he had not fully realized the extent of his current situation -- I am not even sure he knew that he was safe.'

Without looking at Jace, she starts walking around in a circle with her head down, pacing as if nervous. Jace's hand shot out to stop her. She looked up with tearful eyes and bit her lip.

"Izzy," Jace pleaded. "Something's wrong. Please tell me."

"When I went to visit him, we made small talk, and then I decided to do his nails -- like cut and file them -- since it used to soothe him as I did so, especially when Mom and Dad would lecture him endlessly back then," she stated. "He asked to keep the nail scissors so he could attempt it again at a later date. I...knew he had previously been under a 72 hour suicide watch, which is standard for patients who had gone under severe trauma --"

"What?! No one told me that!" Jace protested. "Was that really necessary to do?"

But then again, Jace's brain thought, you did feel him somewhat in distress, after his rescue right? _As if he had given up on himself..._

Those thoughts came forth again, ringing through his mind.

"Jace, let me finish," Isabelle's firm voice broke into his thoughts. Immediately, Jace was contrite. "Sorry, Izzy," he murmured.

"Okay," she continued, clearing her throat. "So I left him the scissors. Yesterday, Catarina pulled me aside, and told me that Alec had hit a low point yesterday afternoon and voluntarily hurt himself with the scissors -- like stabbed his hand with them."

"W-What?" Jace asked, his face draining of color, disbelieving.

"No, he didn't do that. He would never do that."

But for some reason, his brain was already focusing on some faint memory that had not made sense in the past. 

It was of him and Alec, when Jace had first joined the Lightwood family. Alec was practicing his archery in the training room, and Jace had walked by, watching. Alec had been having trouble making his mark on the target. The dark haired boy's face had looked a bit wan and tired, his eyes dark steely pools that betrayed no emotions. But Jace had noticed thin lines along the inside of Alec's forearms, almost like scars.

So light in fact, that Jace had dismissed them at the time, as his young mind had not the knowledge or enough foresight to question such marks on that part of the body.

Alec had caught him looking, though, and a flush appeared on his face. He had turned and walked out of the room.

The next time they had met up, Alec was wearing long sleeves. And soon Jace had forgotten about whatever he saw that day…

But now...in light of all this information...

_No,_ Jace insisted, as if trying to convince himself. 

Alec was not doing that at the time. No, he was not hurting himself. He was always strong. Strong people don't do things like that. 

"He stabbed his hand," Isabelle repeated herself. "Catarina also said, he had been in a trance and did not even hear her coming into the room to talk to him. She doesn't think this was the first time this had happened, either. She thinks that this is the way Alec had been processing his pain, all this time. Besides over shooting his arrows until his knuckles bled, she thinks he had been cutting himself since long ago. She said Alec didn't even flinch when he stabbed the scissor into his palm."

She shuddered silently and put her hands over her face. "I should have never given him those scissors. What kind of sister am I?" she whispered in a horrified voice. ."And how had I not known about this? I'm his family. I'm supposed to protect him."

“Izzy,” Jace whispered, coming around to put his arms around her. “You couldn’t have known, none of us truly did. It had been beyond the 72 hour initial suicide watch, right?” Jace stated. 

Isabelle nodded. She still felt sick to her stomach though. _We expected more of you_, Isabelle, she could hear the voice of her mother saying, that familiar disapproving tone – the voice that has run in circles throughout her head all her life. As she was sure, it echoed in her big brother’s head. 

Except they had dealt with it in different ways – she, by running away from it via defiance, while her brother had let the poison soak in and permeate his own being, decimating his self-worth and all individual qualities which had _defined_ him.

That’s why, no matter how things were right now, she could never think or view badly of Magnus. She knew he held her brother on a pedestal, and had brought out amazing sides that she always knew existed in her brother. For him to have ended up thing that abruptly, yet seeing how distraught he had been when she had told him Alec had run off -- there was definitely more to the story than they all knew…

Jace continued, “You know how good Alec had been at hiding his feelings, all these years; I don’t think he wanted anyone to know. He never told you, he never told me. Still though, I don’t think he had been going to this extreme all this time too – well maybe with the overtraining, but not the cutting. And he had been so happy, recently too –” 

Jace paused, making a face as an image of Magnus entered his mind. Ugh, Magnus, he thought with disgust, the worst mistake his parabatai had ever made – so irresponsible and undependable…

“I’ve got somewhere to go,” Jace said suddenly, drawing Isabelle close to give her a kiss on the cheek. “And please, stop blaming yourself,” he added softly.

Isabelle sighed. “I’ll try,” she said, trying to sound convincing. “You go on ahead.” She realized she needed to be somewhere too. 

_Raph,_ she thought, picturing his kind face.

She immediately felt a little better. He could provide the comfort that she _wanted_, no, _needed_ right now. 

She looked at her hand, which had begun to shake slightly. 

She quickly used her other hand to grab it tightly, to quell the tremors. She thought of Alec’s face, and the eyes that now mirrored shadows, instead of the brother that she knew…

Maybe Raph wouldn’t mind, she thought almost desperately. 

_Maybe just this once. Then never again…_

Meanwhile, Jace had already run off, having activated the speed rune.

He was going to go to Brooklyn. He was going to go and bring Alec back to the Institute, where he belonged. 

He belonged with them. He did not need to be with that Warlock.

Ever.

**************************

“Isabelle,” Raphael breathed. 

They were standing at the front door of the Hotel DuMort.

Raphael had received Isabelle’s fire message just minutes ago. Boy, she had gotten here quickly, he thought.

Then he had noticed her tear stained face. “Amor?” Raphael asked hesitantly.

Isabelle suddenly threw herself into Raphael’s arms, which of course caught her instinctively and quick, which vampire reflexes allowed. “Raph…” she murmured. “I am hurting, so badly right now. My heart…Alec.”

She cried in his arms, for what seemed like an eternity. Raphael just held her like that, rubbing circles into her back, whispering encouraging words into her ear and into her hair. “Mi amor,” he whispered, moving his lips over her nose and the side of her face, trailing with small kisses.

To Isabelle, these gestures felt like _heaven_…but it was not nearly _enough._

After awhile, she stepped back, and immediately her eyes went to his throat. “OMG,” she whispered, “You still have the bruises there – its been over a week!”

Raphael nodded, wincing. “Yea, your brother sure did a number on me,” he said.

“But enough about me…do you feel better?” he asked.

She winced. “It’s always wonderful being held by you,” she said softly. “But that’s not the whole reason why I’m here…”

Raphael looked at her questioningly.

“I n-need something,” Isabelle admitted quietly. She turned her doe eyes on Raphael. 

And then he _knew._

“No,” he said firmly. “No, Isabelle.” 

She continued to look at him, pleadingly.

“Please don’t put me in this position, Isabelle…” Raphael said, closing his eyes, sighing. He really hoped that she would not push further. Usually he would not be able to deny her…

But this was precarious. So precarious. The last time they were in this situation…

“Raphael,_ please_,” Isabelle whispered in a dulcet voice. He winced, as his blood started pumping furiously. He was getting lightheaded now…which signaled the beginning of the_ thirst--_

Ugh, she knew how to get to him. Her saying his full name like that. And that please…_holy hell_…

But, still no…he had promised Magnus. And he promised himself he wouldn’t ruin a good thing, just for some cheap thrills…

“I just need a small bite…to take away the pain. _Please_,” she whispered again. 

She held out her wrist and pressed it against his lips.

He trembled, at first slowly. Then it increased in intensity. Oh god…He could feel his fangs pulsating against his own lips, wanting so badly to come out. Yet he fought it, fought it like no one’s business. No, he could not give in!!! 

He WON’T.

His eyes filled with bloody tears as he lifted his eyes to look at Isabelle.

Immediately Isabelle looked ashamed. She yanked her wrist away .

“By the Angel, Raph, I am so sorry,” she gasped softly, looking down. “I just feel so horrible. God I feel so weak, I am so sorry. I’m sorry if I tempted you, or offended you. You know that I care about you, not just about that…” 

She felt horrible, being the person that she was right now…

Raphael took his hand and gently cupped her chin, encouraging her to look into his eyes. “Amor,” he said softly, “You didn’t offend me. I understand this is a tough time for you…”

“But you need to understand, I’m saying no because you mean that much to me. I can’t allow you to relapse, not even for a second,” he insisted. 

She nodded slowly. “I know,” she said, sighing.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he prodded.

She looked at him, then nodded slowly again.

“Yes, talking would really help. But…could I stay here with you for a bit today? Aline took over my duties at the Institute, and I don’t want to be alone right now,” she said.

Raphael smiled softly. “Of course,” he said. “I love it that you came to me. I will be here for you, always, dear Isabelle.”

She sighed as he folded her into his arms. 

_Here, she felt so safe…_

Maybe, here, she could forget about how she had been such a failure to Alec…

_************************_

_Mood: Depeche Mode – Agent Orange (PCM Stereo)_

_In Catarina’s office, four days ago_

“It’s supposed to bring you luck, and protection…”

Alec’s hopeful voice, and the hopeful look in his eyes, floated through Magnus’s head as he stared at the small red onamori currently in his hand. Then he looked up at the shy Shadowhunter -- obviously nervous about presenting a gift to the Warlock, and having had no prior experience in dating or these types of etiquette. But what the Shadowhunter had not known, was that he was the first one who had ever made such a giving gesture to this centuries-old warlock, without asking for anything in return.

And that it had meant more to Magnus than Alec would ever know...

_His heart had never stood a chance, back then._

"Seems like you caught a happy memory," Catarina said warmly. "I can tell by the serene smile on your face."

Magnus sighed. "Yes, it was lovely," he said. 

Unfortunately all his memories were now _stained_. With…with…

His smile disappeared as he shifted uncomfortably in the chair, seated across Catarina.

She leaned over and took Magnus's hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

"I know this isn't easy for you," she stated. "Thank you for agreeing to this. Since Alec is eventually going to go back to the loft with you, we need to start somewhere."

Catarina put her fingers together as she studied her friend's overall demeanor. Magnus stiffened under her probing gaze, his hand flailing a little bit as he reached back to fiddle with his earcuff. His usual nervous tic...

"You're bothered by it still," Catarina stated calmly.

Magnus looked down for a minute. When he looked up, his eyes were flinty, his expression defensive. 

"Well, wouldn't you be, if someone betrayed you?" he shot out. 

As soon as the words came out, Magnus regretted them. He shut his eyes. He knew he had no right to feel that way, but he did.

_Love you love you love you.._.

Running in circles in his own head, now -- Alec's hoarse whisper as he shuddered and came while thinking of someone else was a real life nightmare which Magnus couldn't escape from...

"But did he cheat on you? Magnus, you are better than this,” Catarina prodded. “Don’t make this personal. This is about Alec, not you.”

Magnus said nothing.

"He was raped, Magnus. Twice." Magnus flinched at her words. "The second one had him for a few days. In that time, he tried to break him, brainwash him," Catarina stated. "That’s a lot to come back from.."

"I'm not innocent in all of this," Magnus blurted out suddenly. "I hurt him, Catarina."

He looked directly at Catarina, his gold cat eyes out, feeling tears about to spill over. 

What?! Catarina thought, shocked. _This was new..._

Catarina looked visibly shaken. "What are you talking about, Magnus?" she managed. " You never said anything to me about it before..."

"I can't stop thinking about it. I never meant for it to happen. And I still have nightmares about it," Magnus confessed.

He was ready to talk to someone about it -- especially it would keep incidents – like what happened at the Institute…then a few days later, at the loft -- from happening again...

He knew his oldest friend would not judge him.

He settled back in his seat, his eyes on Catarina's calming gaze. 

He took a deep breath.

"So you know about Samael and what happened; and that Alec eventually discovered what really happened to him. But you don't know about what happened in the hours preceding that..."

Catarina settled back, her pen and clipboard in hand, as Magnus started to talk.

Finally we were getting somewhere, Catarina thought pensively.

*****

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

_At the New York Institute, almost 2 weeks ago_

The Shadowhunters were having their annual briefing that morning, which included reviewing the current wards at the Institute. Magnus hadn't wanted to attend, as his mind and days were filled with thoughts with Alec. But he was required to.

Not to mention he had been staying with Alec overnight, to try to quell his nightmares. The nurses had said he had made a huge difference with that. Outwardly, that might have been the case. And he's glad he's had that positive effect on Alec. 

However, it had taken a toll on Magnus. The lack of sleep had increased his own waking visions. 

He had tried to chase those visions away with alcohol – after all, he had not been inviting anyone over recently, so no potential harm done to anyone, right?

Well, that was rather shortsighted of him as well, particularly two nights ago --

He winced at the memory, shaking his head to clear his mind of thoughts. This was not the time or place for that. 

He needed to be present at this meeting.

Taking a deep breath, he attempted to present himself in his usual manner, sauntering into the Shadowhunters’ meeting with his usual flourish, a few minutes late. 

“Good morning everyone, so sorry I’m late –”

Immediately everyone turned to look at him, including Isabelle, who was heading the meeting – and to his right -- Jace, who just glared at him.

That glare rendered him instantly mute. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, dear Isabelle, for being late,” he apologized in a more proper manner.

Isabelle’s dark eyes registered empathy, and she gave him a small smile. 

“Not a problem, Magnus,” she said gently. “I know your overnights have been busy, you must be incredibly tired…”

An undisguised snort and a sardonic sounding “Yea, right, who cares,” came from the direction where Jace sat.

“Jace!” Isabelle hissed, in a manner unbecoming of the interim Head of the New York Institute.

An uneasy silence followed. 

Sibling glared at sibling, sibling glared at Warlock, Warlock cowered slightly under said glare.

“It’s alright,” Magnus murmured. Not looking at anyone, he took his seat.

During the meeting, he tried to focus on Isabelle’s face and words, even as he felt Jace’s glare burning a hole in the side of his face. 

But for some reason he was feeling even more tired today than usual…and his vision was blurring…

“Magnus? Would you care to add to that?” Isabelle’s voice broke into his thoughts, and his vision came back into focus. His gaze happened to fall upon both his arms --- 

_OH WTF RED SCALY RIDGED SKIN --- ?!_

“GAAAAAH,” Magnus shrieked at the top of his lungs, leaping at least a foot back from the table, his chair falling back and hitting the ground. He felt his glamour drop, and his gold cat eyes were blazing at twice their normal intensity. 

He shuddered, his heart starting to race toward the triple digits…and simultaneously felt the ground shake as well. 

Oh boy, he thought in dismay, he was projecting…

His vision blurred once again…

“ By the Angel!” he heard Isabelle yelled in the background, her voice growing frantic. Faintly he heard footsteps and gasps all around him…

Stop. Just stop it right now, Magnus, Magnus commanded himself silently. 

_Dontlookatyourarmsdontlookatyourarmsfuckmylife_

If he looked down and saw those red scales on his arms, he would probably chop his arms right off with his magic, he was so damn tired of these fuckin things just STOP!

His heart started slowing down…as did the rumbling. He couldn’t just act out like this anywhere he wanted – there were others to consider. 

Just because you have your own fucking issues to deal with, it doesn’t give you the right to have them affect others!

Finally, all was still once again. He finally looked at his arms, fearing the worst.

They were…normal.

He blinked. Then he really surveyed the room. All the chairs were thrown back, the meeting table was on its side, and half the Shadowhunters were sitting or sprawled on the floor.

Isabelle, the only one who was still standing, was looking at him, perplexed. 

Jace – his hair disheveled, his eyes wide, and looking disoriented, appeared too shocked to even glare at him.

Magnus himself probably had the same look on his face…

_@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_

*****

_Alec’s room 6 days after New York Institute meeting_

Catarina looked at her patient, Alec Lightwood, resting in the hospital bed, just staring into space. 

Alec’s color was a lot better today, but he still looked fatigued. Also, he had not shaven in days, as he had not been able to have his razor due to recent events. He looked…so Mundane, actually, thought Catarina. Not clean cut like his other Nephilim brethren.

His hazel eyes, thought, looked a bit lost.

“Alec, is everything okay?” she asked.

Alec looked up at the mention of his name, his eyes focusing on Catarina. “I guess so?” he said uncertainly.

“Magnus has not messaged me since we last met in the room,” he said slowly. “I’m not sure what that means.”

Catarina looked surprised. “Really? I thought you two had had a cordial meetup. You two did manage to make small talk right?” she stated.

“I thought so. Then again, things were still really awkward. Which was expected, given everything. Still though,” Alec continued. 

“He’s probably been busy,” Catarina said, trying to reassure him. Privately, she was not sure what was going on; this did seem odd. She made a mental note to contact Magnus later that afternoon.

“Oh right, I did hear something about the annual meeting at the Institute – he probably needed to prepare for that,” Catarina said quickly.

“Hmm, I had forgotten about that,” Alec said. “Hmm, okay.”

It wasn’t until Catarina had left the room, that Alec remembered that the meeting was about 6 days ago. Besides, he knew Magnus, and Magnus never really prepared for anything as silly as their “Shadowhunter meetings”, as Magnus used to love chiding him about.

Alec did not want to think the worst, as it would increase his anxiety. 

However, Magnus had abandoned him before...

_What if he had done so, again?_

Alec looked down at his hands. 

_They were shaking...yet again...._


	13. What the Heart Wants (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus continues to confide in Catarina, and she discovers, to her horror, the extent of Magnus's torment.
> 
> Meanwhile, Jace continues to feel emotional turmoil regarding Alec, whom he has found at Magnus's place.

_Back in Catarina’s office, four days ago_

Catarina just looked at Magnus while he unloaded the burdens from his heart. She betrayed no emotion until he had sighed, and slumped back into his chair, closing his eyes.

“You don’t need to say it. I’m despicable for what I did to Alec. What I felt I wanted to do to Alec,” he said emotionlessly. “While I don’t recall changing and shifting into what I became, I recall all the other things. I wanted to fuck and strangle him until he was dead, to chafe him in every orifice until he bled, and take every pleasure from the experience that I could…”

Inwardly, Catarina was raging to keep her emotions in check. 

What had she just heard?

It just seemed so unreal. The visuals conjured up by her brain were bordering on horrifying. 

And yet, she could see how much this was destroying her oldest friend. 

She shuddered. She had to keep it together, for him. She needed to be the consummate professional – and the confidant -- that he needed her to be.

“Uh, what is this peeking out from under your sleeve?” Catarina asked inquisitively. She had been too fast for Magnus, and she was already touching his arm.

He cringed and moved away. 

Dammit, he had forgotten to glamour it this morning, and even worn a shirt with ¾ sleeves. He had gotten very good at remembering…but today, the knowledge he was to see Catarina, had just completely unnerved him and he had _forgotten._

“Is that a…scar?” she asked, her eyes widening. Magnus did not respond.

“Magnus, look at me,” she said a bit more forcefully. “Let me see it.”

He could never say no to her. As if in a daze, he slowly pushed the sleeve up.

Catarina sucked in a breath. The letters “ALEC” were carved/scarred over into the tanned flesh surrounding it.

“What did you do?” Catarina asked in a horrified whisper. “And why haven’t you healed it?”

When Magnus lifted his eyes again to look at Catarina, they were emotionless. “This,” he declared, “is to remind me of what I can never have again – _not him, and not anyone_.”

He was silent for awhile, and then continued, the hard look still in his eyes.

“Last week, following that incident at the meeting, I had a relapse. I then proceeded to drown myself in absinthe, trying to forget what happened. I hallucinated -- that I had turned into the damn demon. I saw red scales all over my body. But I was still lucid. All I can remember thinking is that I needed to get those scales off, once and for all! I recall walking to the kitchen, getting a knife, determined to nick all the scales off my skin. Luckily my mind came back, and then the scales were gone, but I was already holding the knife in my hand, and I had already nicked a small portion of my arm. The pain had not registered, but my heart was still numb. Before I knew it, those letters were carved into my skin. I don’t even remember doing it. I saw the letters on my arm after I had finished, then I must have passed out after that. I found myself on the floor, two days later, still bleeding. Of course, if I hadn’t been a warlock, I would have bled to death.”

_Catarina carefully observed Magnus. His eyes had glazed over, as if recollecting the memory.._

** _@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_ **

_(FLASHBACK)_

_Mood: Depeche Mode – Never Let Me Down Aggro Mix_

_.._

Everything slowly crashed back into focus for Magnus at this very moment. Well, _not really._

But going to from completely out cold, back to double vision was certainly an improvement.

He was lying on something hard beneath him.

Why was he lying on the floor, flat on his back? He tried to lift his head, and a sharp pain assaulted his entire being. Then his head started to pound…more and more furiously. Like a JACKHAMMER INSIDE HIS HEAD….

_Fuck, that hurt! _

Louder. LOUDER. LOUDER STILL. And WHOOOOSH!!! Like a fucking freight train. WHOOSH! And yet again.

And his heart was racing a mile a minute…exceptionally fast for that of a Warlock. What was that, 0 to 60 in less than a minute? Shit!

Magnus blinked twice – it was getting hard to concentrate on anything when all these sensations were hitting you all at once--

He still saw two of everything, and it was maddening, as he knew his vision was still messed up. Next to the coffee table he could make out a giant green bottle lying on its side. ABSINTHE.

ABSINTHE????! Oh dear, was that his pick of poison tonight?

Figures, he thought idly, especially after the last couple of days and especially at that –

“GAHHHH!” he screamed, jumping up in horror. 

He had just glanced down at himself for the first time regaining consciousness -- his arms and hands were covered in hard red scales, the same ones he saw the other day

He shut his eyes again.

Even worse, he feels them buzzing over his skin as if alive, just like that day when he got possessed --- then he royally fucked up his relationship with Alec forever…

And with the thought of that, his eyes flew open again.

THE SCALES WERE STILL THERE ---

RED. SHARP. BUZZING LIKE A LIVE WIRE. 

_HOLYSHITITWASDRIVINGHIMINSANE_

ARGHHHH!~ He put his hands to his head, which was still pounding, and his heart racing , and screamed!

_OHHEJUSTCOULDN”TTAKETHISHISTANYMORE.._

He jumped up, wild eyes like a madman, and ran around in a uncoordinated fashion, unbecoming of a Warlock with centuries of practiced poise. Undone by something, SOMETHING that wanted to do him in ---

_GOTTAGETRIDOFTHISSHIT…._

_LOOKING FOR SOMETHING---_

_LOOKING FOR SOMETHING LOOKING FOR SOMETHING…._

_WHEREISTHATTHING –_

_LOOKING FOR SOMETHING…._

_WHEREISTHATTHING –_

_Red fiery blasts of magic erupt from his – CLAWS?! HOLY FUCK!! Blasting open closets, dressers, hitting stray objects…shattering windows _

_LILLITH, HE CAN’T EVEN TARGET THINGS CORRECTLY. AND WHATTHEFUCK, he can’t find a simple thing?!_

_He can’t find it. He can’t find it. This was absolutely ridiculous. This is his home. He knows where everything is. He SHOULD know where everything is!_

_WHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON_

_His eyes wide, he staggered through the loft. Sharp pains continued to pound at his head, and it added to his growing sense of panic and frantic pace. He clutched at his head as he staggered some more. _

_Now he was in the kitchen, and fuck using his magic, it wasn’t working ANYWAY!!!! _

_Grabbing the cabinet doors and drawers, he wildly flings them open, one after the other! _

_He then tore through all of it, tossing out cups, dishes, silverware, coffeepot on the ground…_

_WHEREISITWHEREISITWHEREISIT_

_NEED TO GET THESE THINGS OFF, THESE FUCKIN ACCURSED THINGS!!!~_

_THE BUZZING, BUZZING under his skin, FUCK!_

_He looks around frantically._

_Finally he spies what he’s looking for, at a far corner of the kitchen counter. How had he missed that before??!_

_He walks over as calmly as he’s able to, which isn’t saying much, since his fuckin heart is still racing a mile a minute, the pounding in his head still just as compelling. But he manages to get there, and picks up the object. _

_It’s his favorite cutting knife – when he used to cook with Alec they would use this to cut meats and vegeables when cooking _

_\--- hmm how does that random memory get in there??!_

_NO THAT’S NOT WHAT HE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT! BESIDES, YOU CAN NEVER HAVE HIM AGAIN. NEVER! STOP TORTURING YOURSELF._

_YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A MONSTER_

_That sharp edge gleams and the light in the room reflects off its shining surface…_

_Seeing it, calms him suddenly. He knows it’s his salvation…A means to an end_

_JUST GET THESE THINGS OFF….!!!!_

_Just seeing his claws grab the knife handle is about to make him hurl. _

_UGH THE SOONER THE BETTER!!!!_

_LOUDER LOUDER LOUDER the pounding in his head_

_The BUZZING UNDER HIS SKIN_

_THESE CLAWS~  
  
_

_THESE FUCKIN SCALES ON HIS ARMS AND HANDS AND PROBABLY ALL OVER HIS BODY_

_He leans against a wall and slowly slides down to a sitting position, suddenly feeling devoid of emotion—_

_He’s just SO tired. _

_He wants all of this to end_

_YOU CANT HAVE HIM ANYMORE –_

_His eyes are suddenly glued to his red scales on his arms. There is one particular one that stands out to him right now. It’s large, and particularly ugly._ _Y_

_Yeat this one needs to go…_

_As if in a trance, he lifts the kitchen knife, and edges the scale with the sharp part of the knife blade. _

_ONCE THESE ARE OFF AT LEAST ILL BE CLEAN AND FREE OF ALL OF THIS_

_THEN THEY SHOULDN’T COME BACK IVE HAD ENOUGH_

_The blade slides under the red scale, and he is transfixed as he observes the scale on his arm slowly loosen from his skin as he forces the knife across…_

_A few seconds later, the piece of scale is on the floor, there is a bloody patch on his arm where the scale was, surrounded by all the others ---_

_He barely even feels the pain – he only feels relief. He shuts his eyes and exhales slowly. _

_His heartbeat is going down…but he still feels very dizzy_

_His head is still pounding, but not as badly as before…_

_He slowly opens his eyes…wait, the scales are gone. But how????_

_He looks down…there is a bloody square patch the size of a matchbook on his forearm, and it is actively bleeding. He just did that to himself??! HOLY SHIT…_

_Then the thought YOU DESERVE IT. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ALEC AGAIN flashes through his mind, and dammit if it doesn’t send him down to depths lower than he could ever imagine…_

_He just sat there, almost catatonic for a few minutes…then he seemed to shake his head – seeming more alert._

_Or is he? A strange looking smile crossed his face, as his eyes fell upon the kitchen knife lying a foot away from him. He leaned over to pick it up, and looks at the sharp edge of the knife for a bit, as if admiring it. _

_His eyes fall upon his bloody arm with the patch on it. “Hm,” he mused, “Strike while inspiration is hot?” He smiled again, but now wistfully. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ALEC AGAIN…_  
  


_“Okay then,” he whispered, raising the knife to the edge of the patch on his arm…_

_…_

_Undefined time after…_

_Fuck! Magnus thought, after having twisted his neck the wrong way. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN…_

_He awoke with a start. Uhh what was he doing on the floor? _

_STILL DIZZY…._

_He noticed tingling on his left arm, and looked…_

_OH WHAT THE FUCK ---!_

_His left forearm was bleeding, steadily bleeding – in fact there was a medium pool of blood under where his arm was…How long had he been bleeding? Shit it looked like it had been awhile_

_but that was not the shocking thing_

_The clumsy looking letters “A L E C” had been carved into his arm, they were now half scarred yet still oozy… bleeding, his arm was a fucking mess, skin and tendons all mangled_

_WAIT – _

_HE DID THIS???_

_His eyes widening, he stared at the space in front of him, and started SCREAMING, SCREAMING ---_

_SCREAMING…_

_…._

_His voice gave out after an hour…and then he just sat there, unmoving, unfeeling, almost catatonic…_

_…_

_Ringggg! Ringggg! _

_Lillith, what the – _

_Who would be calling at THIS time?? _

_Dragging himself, man he felt like he was wading through molasses, there was totally no energy whatsoever…_

_Damn, it’s Catarina –_

_Wait, Catarina? Did she say she would call? Didn’t he just leave them a few days earlier?_

_His confused mind couldn’t make sense of anything…_

_He glanced at the date at the phone. What? It’s two days later? _

_WAIT…TWO DAYS SINCE HE’S BEEN LYING HERE?_

_He just sat there, astounded into silence, just staring…_

_(END FLASHBACK)_

** _@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_ **

_***_

He stopped detailing his recollection and looked up. Catarina was just staring at him now, there was an unreadable look in her eyes. 

Uneasy silence….

“So,” he said, attempting to joke, “Ready to run for the hills, yet? I am certifiable now, my dear.”

He shook his head deprecatingly.

He laughed sardonically. “You called that day too right?” he stated.

Catarina looked surprised. “Yes, I did. Alec and I had been wondering where you were. He said you hadn’t contacted him…”

Alec? Magnus thought, the thought of his ex(?) jarring him unexpectedly. Alec had wondered where he was? He felt a pang in his heart. Man this hurt way too much, even more than any physical pain…

Catarina trailed off as she suddenly realized why he hadn’t answered that day. Her eyes widened.

“Magnus…” 

Her eyes started to look suspiciously moist…

Magnus continued talking. “Sorry I didn’t answer; I just didn’t have the energy to at the time. And I also had to deal with a bloody arm, all torn up. I sat up, and healed it so that it no longer bled. I allowed it to scar. I wanted something to remind me of how evil I could be – that everyone should stay away from me.”

Catarina started to say something, but Magnus held up his hand. She remained quiet.

He shook his head. 

“Look, I can’t do this,” he sighed. “I don’t think I can have Alec stay with me. Maybe he should go back to the Institute. It would be too much, for me. Especially for him…”

Catarina started to speak again, but Magnus silenced her yet again. “Yes, I know what you asked him to do. And I know what I said to him the other day, when I came to his room. I just don’t know if I can. I am just not sure this is going to work out,” he whispered. 

Catarina just stared at Magnus as he choked out the last sentence, and closed his eyes, as if resigned.

What the fuck is this? Catarina thought, annoyed. Oh HELL no…NO, Magnus -- you will not do this right now!!!

She grabbed him by his forearms, with a force so unexpected, Magnus flinched in shock. 

“Magnus Bane, what is with this back and forth BS? I never took you to be a coward,” she hissed.

_What?_ Magnus flinched again at the unfamiliar tone of voice – Catarina was the calmest soul he had ever met. In all the years he had known her, she had never hissed. And certainly not at him.

“You sat next to Alec’s bed, and promised him. _Promised._ He was about to break, and you looked into his eyes,_ and promised_ him. He still doesn’t trust you, you need to remember that! He has every right to feel that way, from what you told me.”

Catarina paused, to let the words sink in.

“Yet he still asked. For you. He's been wondering why you haven't contacted him."

Magnus just looked down, not saying anything.

Catarina forced him to look at her. There was a steely coldness in her eyes.

“If you turn him away now, you might as well have left him in that damn den with that vampire…to be turned, raped repeatedly, or to die. Then why did you even go to save him in the first place? Do you no longer love him??”

As if finally realizing what could have potentially happened that day, the weight of everything seemed to crash down on Magnus just then. Magnus’s face changed, and he all but collapsed right in front of Catarina. 

He would have crumpled to the floor, if it had not been for Catarina still holding him steady by his forearms.

She moved forward just then, folding him into an embrace.

He buried his head into the crook of her shoulder.

“You’re right, you’re right. I’m so sorry,” Magnus murmured morosely. “I do still love him. I do, I do. I always will. It’s just so hard. And I’m still going through stuff…”

“Why don’t you go home and sleep on it, Magnus. You need the rest.” Catarina said softly, covering his hand with hers. “But I believe you know the right thing to do in this case.” 

She held his gaze.

Magnus looked at her, then slowly nodded.

Catarina then smiled.

“Good,” she stated.

********************

_Mood: Harvest Moon - SYML_

Magnus sat pensively by the fire in his armchair, deep in thought.

So many mixed emotions were just flowing through him at that given moment. 

He had slept off the whole day, like Catarina suggested. But now, he was alone with his thoughts, yet again.

Well, good thing he no longer drank heavily, like he did the first few days following Alec’s absence from the loft.

No, he had not dropped that rock bottom in centuries. Not since that time at the bridge, when he almost jumped.

And he never wanted to relive that type of depression again.

It had just been…so hard as of late. Life.

As much as he did not want to admit to things – some had made sure he hadn’t forgotten about things.

Like Jace socking a good one at him. He just took him – no question or hesitation.

Truth of the matter is, he had let Alec go, almost kicked him out even – lying through his teeth with cruel words to make Alec go. One more second, and Magnus would have lost his resolve.

The actions, to which up to this day, Magnus regretted from the bottom of his heart.

He should not have broken up with Alec that day – as the timing for it was certainly not good.

Alec had just gone through trauma, unknowingly inflicted by him, not to mention having learned about what actually happened when he was in the clutches of Samael. Having his memories, as holey as anything, suddenly filled by images from one’s worst nightmare – the timing was far from ideal to have done what he did.

Magnus of course, blamed himself. But he was also aware of how that was also his undoing in many ways.

Magnus’s tendency – which involved protecting his loved ones – even if it meant protecting them against himself – was usually to send them as far away from him as possible.

That day he had thought he was protecting Alec by letting him go.

Usually his Shadowhunter would have been ever the stoic soldier, not letting emotions rule. 

That was the one thing about Alec, dependable and reliable. Magnus had counted on those two traits to see him back into the Institute, where he would have bonded with his siblings, and slept in his old room with the dark green sheets and minimal decorations.

But instead, Alec had run. Which was so unlike him, unlike those two traits, for which people had come to depend on him. He had then gotten himself into trouble. 

Upon first seeing Alec’s eyes following that bloodbath in his room, his eyes were vacant.

Magnus had shuddered inwardly.

He had recognized that look. He himself had that look decades ago, around the time he had been contemplating ending it all by jumping off that bridge.

And it was all Magnus’s fault – he had triggered this in Alec.

Well, if that was the case, Magnus thought, then he was going to do his best to bring Alec back.

Mentally and physically – even if they never recovered any semblance of what their love used to be.

He at least owed Alec that much.

_...because I'm still in love with you_

_I want to see you dance again..._

Sighing, he flicked his fingers, and he was dressed in one of Alec’s favorite outfits_ – _tailored black jacket which fit him like a second skin, black leather pants and boots, and his hair streaked magenta. He waved his hands again, and his face was perfect made up, with black kohl around his eyes and all signs of tiredness gone…

Trepidations or no trepidations, he was going to go and bring his Shadowhunter home.

*****

_2 days before Jace arrived at the hospital_

“You’re leaving the hospital today, Alec. How are you feeling about that?” Catarina asked.

The Shadowhunter was sitting up in bed, dressed in his signature black shirt and jeans. “Tired,” he admitted. “Also, I’m not sure how I feel. But I guess I will need to make the best of things, right?”

He shrugged. “After all, I’m definitely not going back to the Institute. Not right now, anyway,” he stated.

“Facing a firing squad isn’t my idea of a decent welcome,” he said, attempting to joke. Catarina smiled at him sympathetically, as she started looking over her clipboard and making notes.

“Is Magnus coming soon?” he asked hesitantly.

As if on cue, a portal opened right in the room. Alec’s stomach suddenly had butterflies. As he had gotten used to his relationship with Magnus, he would always feel a fluttery sensation in his gut every time his warlock would arrive at the Institute, or on the scene of a mission.

Seeing a portal emerge – that would always signal that Magnus would step out a second later. And his heart always fluttered, at the beauty and power that emanated from him.

Today was no exception, even though everything had changed.

Magnus, as usual did look beautiful. However, it did not quite reach his eyes today. 

He looked…tired. 

At least Magnus knew social niceties, and smiled as he saw the both of them. 

“Hi, Catarina,” he said in his usual dulcet voice. “Alec, looks like you’re all dressed and ready to go.”

“I guess I am,” Alec agreed.

He turned to Catarina with a questioning look.

Catarina smiled. “If you are ready you can go with him,” she said warmly. He stood up from the bed, and she hugged him warmly. He slowly put his arms around her, hugging her back. 

“Take care of yourself. Just take it one day at a time. Remember what we talked about. I’ll be in touch,” she said upon releasing him. 

He nodded, giving her a small smile. “Thank you for everything, Catarina.”

Alec watched as Catarina exchanged a silent yet seemingly meaningful look with Magnus, who nodded in kind. 

He threw up a portal. “After you,” Magnus stated politely. Alec gave Catarina and the room one last look, then turned and walked through the portal. Magnus started toward the portal, and Catarina grabbed his arm at the last minute. He turned in surprise.

“Will you be okay?” she asked.

He shrugged. “Time will tell,” he said, sighing. “I admit I’m a bit stressed about everything. Anyway, I will give you a call later darling. Alec’s waiting for me."

And with that, he walked through the portal. 

Catarina watched the portal disappear. 

Fate, please be good to the both of them, she prayed. They are too good together. Please don’t let them break apart.

_*****_

_At the door of Magnus’s loft, at the present time_

_Mood: Depeche Mode – Agent Orange (PCM Stereo)_

The two parabatai just looked at one another.

...Was this really Alec? Jace thought distractedly, looking into his eyes.

Usually with the parabatai rune fully functioning, there would have been no question -- in fact, at the last resort, he could have tracked Alec down.

But then again, that wouldn't have been a good idea, since Alecs body would probably have not be about to handle it --especially in its current fragile state.

His eyes swept over the face and body of the person in front of him. Then ended back up gazing into his hazel eyes, pale and worn with some unreadable, faraway look.

Jace gulped. He was rendered speechless for a moment.

_He_ barely looked like Alec. Well, at least the Alec he thought he knew.

This person looked...beyond exhausted, and a mere shadow of the tall regal parabatai he was used to seeing, day in day out. 

"Alec," a musical voice -- sounding a bit stiff and controlled -- called in the background behind the door, "You're not supposed to be opening the door just for any old --"

Jace froze. And the figure in the background -- a shocked Magnus -- froze. 

Their eyes locked on one another. 

Jace scowled, his heterochromatic eyes turning to ice as he glared at Magnus. His icy glare was so intense, it felt like the temperature in the room dropped to absolute zero.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the area.

"Jace," Alec repeated in a quiet voice. 

Jace wrenched his gaze from Magnus to focus on his parabatai.

"Alec," he said finally. He ran his fingers through his dirty blond hair, as if suddenly feeling awkward. When he lifted his gaze to meet his parabatai's, his eyes were suspiciously glistening.

"You muted your parabatai rune..." he choked out. 

Of all the crazy things which had occurred as of late, discovering that Alec had done that --and without telling him ahead if time -- had hurt the most.

Never did he think that Alec would ever keep anything from him. Like this…

Alec looked at him, his stoic mask in place.

They faced each other in silence. It was so quiet one could hear the clock’s minute hand ticking.

Tick…tick…tick…

“Alec, please,” Jace pleaded.

“Please don’t shut me out, Alec. My parabatai, my brother. You have been keeping me out. You are shutting everyone out. Everyone…except for him.” He pointed to Magnus, who was still watching them. Magnus noticeably flinched. 

“But why? He hurt you the most,” Jace said plaintively.

"You aren’t wrong about that,” Alec managed to say.

His voice had not been loud. But it was loud enough for Magnus to hear. 

Magnus flinched again. His heart bled. I deserved that, a million times over, he thought miserably. 

He stared at the door, where the parabatai were obviously having a moment – as muted as the parabatai had been made on Alec’s side, the tinge of blue flames surrounding the two were more than obvious. 

_That bond could not be broken – would never be broken._

Magnus could not help but shudder as raging envy coursed through his veins. 

Just as it should be, eh? Magnus thought bitterly. You ruined everything, for yourself. You knew that Alec loved Jace from the very start -- parabatai, souls connected. So much stronger, so much more substantial than a typical relationship. 

So what now? he wondered, half afraid of the answer. They looked like they belonged together. Like two opposing magnetic poles, destined to crash together via undeniable attraction…

How could he even thought he could even begin to compete with that? 

How could he compete…given all that had happened, now?

However, he promised himself, as well as Catarina, that he would endure whatever it took in order for Alec to feel safe again. To work on their relationship, or whatever this was, now.

“However,” Alec continued, his voice starting to stutter, “He did save me…”

Now it was Jace’s turn to look doe-eyed at Alec.

“Magnus…obliterated everyone. Everything,” Alec whispered. 

“What?!” Jace gasped.

Then why didn’t’ he know about this? Or rather, why didn’t he remember? 

He was starting to get suspicious, his icy glare already shooting its way toward the Warlock…

“…it’s the truth, Jace. Please,” Alec pleaded, his hazel eyes looking sad for a moment.

Then the mask was back.

Jace suddenly felt conflicted.

For Magnus, he couldn’t give two shits about where _he _ended up…but Alec --

I can’t deny him. I can’t deny Alec, Jace thought in anguish. Dammit, he swore internally. He despised Magnus so much at this point, and yet – if what Alec was saying was true, then –

Shit, shit, shit!

Jace just looked at him. He couldn’t read Alec. Alec had closed himself off to him.

“Can I come in? Please talk to me. What happened to you?” Jace asked brokenly, looking at his face searchingly.

Alec’s face remained stony and impassive, revealing nothing. 

Then he spoke. “I-I can't do this right now, Jace. This isn’t the right time, for me.”

It was still hard to do -- Alec asserting himself.

But Catarina had encouraged him to stand up for himself, especially at this precarious time.

Alec wasn’t ready to disclose anything to anyone. And he would not be coerced into doing so, no matter how close he was with someone .

Nothing was to set him back emotionally.

This would have been too much too soon.

Jace's shock registered on his face, clearly not understanding.

"W-what do you mean, you can't do this right now? You don't want to see me?" Jace said, unbelievingly.

Jace looked past Alec again, at the guarded looking Warlock, who had not moved from his spot since this whole exchange began. 

_Did Magnus ---_

Jace’s anger started to grow, yet again.

"No, this has nothing to do with Magnus," Alec stated, a bit more confidently, as if having read his mind. 

Jace turned back to Alec, finally digesting his words. 

"This is me, my decision. There's a lot I need to figure out, to deal with," Alec stated. 

And with that, something seemed to give in Alec – the mask started to break.

His whole body seemed to sag then, as if the admission had been too much for him to disclose.

Alec closed his eyes briefly, and then opened them again, looking directly into Jace's eyes. 

_One soul, one heart_, his mind thought. _Entreat me not to leave thee..._

His eyes filled with tears.

"It doesn't mean I don't love you. I will always love you," Alec whispered, his voice breaking toward the end. His lower lip quivered slightly.

Jace felt a shudder of emotion run through his body. It was almost too much.

He felt something click within him, and it seemed to rush out toward Alec.

"I love you too," he murmured.

Nothing was said between the parabatai, but it hardly seemed to matter. The blue flames surrounded them both, and Alec gasped, as if some force hit him directly, with all its might.

He clutched Jace suddenly. Jace’s breath caught, not expecting such a tight embrace.

In the background, Magnus paled. He froze, not knowing what to make of it. 

Of course Alec would not hug him like that, he thought sadly. Not for a long time, and maybe not ever again.

Magnus dipped his head, so no one could see the tears that filled up his eyes – which then slowly rolled down his face. 

No one needed to see this anyway. Correction, no one would want to see this. 

He turned away from them, allowing them their privacy.

Jace returned Alec’s embrace, folding Alec into his arms. The two parabatai embraced so closely they almost seemed like one, feeling their energies meld and exchange through one another. The blue flames ignited around them.

Alec did feel much weaker in all areas than usual, Jace realized.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Alec kept murmuring against his ear, his head dipped and hidden in his neck. His voice sounded strained, and broken.

Eventually Jace was the first one to pull away.

"I get it now," Jace said softly. “This is your own battle to fight. Man I wish I could help. But now I know, that I just..can’t.”

Alec nodded.

"I will be here when you finally are well enough to talk about things. Or even if you never talk about this, just know I'm here for you. Always."

He gave Alec a brotherly peck on the forehead.

"Thanks, Jace," Alec whispered. He was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable, a bit unsteady.

Jace noticed his discomfort.

"Maybe you should go lie down for a little bit," Jace stated with concern. 

"Magnus," Jace called out to the warlock, without any underlying tone in his voice for once. "Alec needs you, he seems tired. Please help him to go lay down." 

What? Magnus jerked his head up in surprise, the tears still on his cheeks. He had not bothered to magic them away. 

Jace’s expression seemed surprised upon looking at the warlock in his current state. They looked at one another. Then Jace’s expression seemed to soften, just the tiniest bit.

“Magnus,” he repeated. “Come.”

The warlock blinked, but was immediately at Alec's side. He put his arms around and under Alec's shoulders. Jace watched as Alec’s face registered surprise at the warlock suddenly being next to him, and being touched by him.

But he did not seem disgusted. 

Nor did he flinch. 

Alec’s body sagged, and he leaned against Magnus, closing his eyes.

“Oh, Alexander,” Magnus murmured. Alec’s face seemed to lighten up a bit upon hearing Magnus address him by his full name, for the first time since leaving the hospital. His eyes fluttered.

"Take care of him," Jace stated simply. 

Another look passed between Jace and Magnus, significant less cooler than the one they exchanged when he had first arrived.

Magnus simply nodded. "Always," Magnus promised, his voice a bit stronger than before.

Jace nodded stiffly. That was all Magnus needed to do; he just needed to be there for his parabatai. That was absolute.

After all, Magnus knew what would happen if it was otherwise...he would need to answer to_ him._

Giving Magnus one last pointed look, Jace pivoted on his foot, and walked down the hallway toward the elevator.


	14. Angel with Shattered Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being at the hospital for such a long time, Alec thought it would be easier to be back home. 
> 
> He hadn't anticipated that it would end up much being much tougher...
> 
> ... Neither had Magnus...
> 
> Stress, tensions, and tempers unintentionally escalate...leading to the return of nonproductive coping mechanisms
> 
> Then in a moment of muddiness and uncertainty, there is a slipup...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my biggest chapter yet (11,000+ words, it got away from me. It is also one of most pivotal). 
> 
> ADVANCE WARNING:  
Self Harm, Nightmares, Self-Doubt, Rape /NC Flashbacks, inadvertent suicide attempt, Confusion, Characters OOC, angry outbursts, PTSD, Depression

_Angels with silver wings_  
_Shouldn't know suffering_  
_I wish I could take the pain for you_

_Things get damaged_ _  
Things get broken  
I thought we'd manage  
But words left unspoken  
Left us so brittle  
There was so little left to give_

_\- Depeche Mode: Precious_

_After being discharged from the hospital, having portalled back to Magnus's loft building_

“Are you okay, Alec? You can hold onto my arm if you need to, I know you haven’t been upright in awhile. You might feel a little dizzy stepping out of the portal,” Magnus said softly.

Alec, who had been lost in thought, and looking down at his feet after he had gotten dizzy looking at the energy swirling around him, jerked to attention at Magnus’s words, particularly at Magnus calling him _Alec_.

He hesitated for a moment.

“Okay,” he managed in a low, raspy voice. “That sounds good.” He hesitantly threaded his arm through Magnus’s.

Breathe, Alec, breathe, he told himself. He had been feeling a bit nervous, especially standing next to the glittery warlock – officially his ex-boyfriend, as they had broken up after he had told him to portal out a few months ago... 

Yet here they were, again.

“Okay, the portal’s going to open now. Just hold onto me. We are portalling out into the hallway,” Magnus instructed, keeping the same gentle tone. 

Catarina had recommended that Magnus not portal Alec directly into the loft -- she thought it would be too much for him, given all that had happened. 

Instead, he was to be slowly brought in so that he could be better acclimatized to it. 

Alec gingerly stepped out of the portal, and automatically disengaged himself from Magnus's arm. He breathed a sigh of relief when he had both feet planted firmly on the floor.

He looked at the hallway, which seemed to stretch endlessly on either side of him. Had it always been this spacious? He was getting disoriented just glancing around.

Had it been only 2 months since he had been gone? It felt like much longer than that. 

He barely recognized anything. Even the doors in front of him seemed impossibly wide and tall.

An awkward silence had developed between them, as they stood in front of the loft doors.

They turned toward one another at the same time, and their gazes locked for a moment, before Magnus had cleared his throat and said, "Are you ready, Alec?" 

They both remembered what had transpired during the last time they had been back in the loft together. 

Well, at least the part where they had broken up.

Catarina had said that there would be good and bad things associated with returning to the loft, and to be prepared for any situation.

"No time like the present, right?" Alec had said, eliciting a short laugh from Magnus. 

Magnus had nodded, and lifted his hand. With a twist of the wrist, and blue flares of magic coming out, the door had creaked open. 

Wordlessly, they both walked into the living room. Magnus flicked his wrist, turning on all the lights.

The sight of too familiar sights and smells hit Alec all at once, and he stumbled slightly, with a sharp intake of breath. The thoughts started coming, and he shut his eyes. ‘

Too much stimulation…

“Alec, Alec!” Magnus was saying in a concerned voice, his arm grabbing him under both arms, seeing how unsteady Alec had become.

He took a few deep breaths, and then slowly opened his eyes again. “I’m okay, you can let go now,” he mumbled.

“Are you sure?’ Magnus didn’t sound convinced.

“I’m fine,” Alec said. Slowly, Magnus let go. Alec stood on his own, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other.

Slowly he looked toward the left, then the right, taking everything in slowly.

Everything in the loft had looked the same, everything was the same as it was when Alec was last there

\-- no, actually the couch was completely different, and then the bookcase and liquor cabinet by the balcony were gone.

"This is new," Alec remarked, gesturing toward the black leather couch. "When'd you get this?"

"Oh, a few months ago," Magnus had responded idly. Then he had stopped talking, his face looking all pale. He seemed to be looking very hard at the floor, his lips pressed in a thin line.

“Uh, I spilled something on awful on the old one, and I had to toss it. Had some people haul it out,” he muttered.

Toss it? Alec thought, puzzled. He never thought he would hear those words coming from Magnus. Magic would have easily gotten a stain out, or even magicked the couch to look like new. 

That was strange indeed.

Magnus was still staring at the floor, tense as hell.

“And the bookcase and liquor cabinet are gone,” Alec noted, still looking at Magnus, who still had not turned to look at him.

Did Magnus just shudder? Alec wasn’t sure.

“Yea, got tired of looking at them. I made them disappear,” Magnus said quietly.

Another second passed. Magnus then seemed to mutter something under his breath, then looked back up at Alec with a smile on his face.

“Well then, Alec,” he said, in a voice that suspiciously seemed a little too bright, “Welcome back. So, what do you think?”

“It’s…the same for the most part,” Alec acknowledged. “But…not.”

It certainly did not have the same feel that it used to, as least to him. But he was sure that once he settled in some more, he would feel much better.

He suddenly felt a wave of slight nausea hit him, along with some lightheadedness.

This was not lost on Magnus, who was now observing him intently.

“Alec, are you alright? You need to lay down?” he asked. “I prepared the guest room for you. I put some of your things in there – your bow and quiver, your clothes, and other things. The rest of your things are still in the master bedroom. As we go along, we can figure out what you need and we can bring it over then.”

“Sounds good. I could use a short nap right now,” Alec said agreeably. 

Magnus nodded stiffly. He then moved to turn and walk away.

Alec quickly caught him with a hand on the shoulder. 

Magnus turned around quickly, a question in his eyes.

“Thank you for taking me in. I really do appreciate it,” Alec said honestly.

A small smile came upon Magnus’s face. “Sure, Alec. Of course,” he said softly, clucking his tongue, before turning and walking toward the kitchen.

“I’ll bring in a drink and snacks to your room in a little bit, I’m going to get some things together,” he called out.

Alec just stood there as he watched Magnus disappear into the kitchen. 

Alec, not Alexander, eh? 

Something tugged at a small part of his heart, and he winced for a quick second. 

But it soon passed. 

Then Alec felt indifferent, maybe a little empty.

He was probably just tired. Yes, going to the room sounded like a great idea right now. 

He turned and walked away.

*****************

_Love you love you love you love you_

the voice sings in a haunted, lilting manner, but it fades out after the third time...

Alec woke up in a cold sweat, with his heart beating erratically with the room swathed in darkness. His pillow is SOAKED.

_What the fuck._

At first he doesn't know where he is. But as his eyes adjusted, he realized he was in the guest room in the loft.

At least he wasn't in danger. Anymore. But he definitely feels on edge.

His heart wouldn't stop pounding.

He shut his eyes and prayed for a dark and dreamless sleep --- 

..._where he wouldn't mentally feel those cold hands all over him, violating him, or the scraping of fingernails all over his skin..._

*****************

_1 week after coming home_

Alec had started feeling tired in the late afternoon, and politely begged off dinner and tv/couch time, in favor of a nap.

“Uh, Magnus?” Alec said, his voice coming out as barely a whisper. 

He coughed a little bit, and spoke a little louder. “I’m not really feeling up to dinner, I think I might go lay down a little bit.”

His voice was still raspy, same as when he had first come back to the loft from the hospital a weeks ago.

Magnus had only nodded, giving him a small smile, which didn't quite reach his eyes.

“Go right ahead Alec, you need your rest. I can reheat it for you later if you wake up later and decide you are hungry,” he said in a polite tone of voice. “Did you need any sort of sleep spell to help you sleep?”

“No, I think I can manage. Thank you though,” Alec said, feeling a bit self-conscious and awkward.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Magnus prodded. “You’ve seemed a little dazed walking around the past day or so.”

Alec blinked. “Oh? Have I?” he murmured, as if talking to someone else other than Magnus. “It’s quite different being back, I just need to get used to it, I think. I also haven't been about to get much sleep.” 

He laughed awkwardly but then stopped.

“Is there anything you want to talk about, if something is bothering you, that is?” Magnus asked hesitantly.

Alec’s mind halted at that. 

Of course there was always something to talk about, but how could he even begin to talk about things, when it was actually a whole bunch of things – of which he didn’t understand half of what he was feeling? 

And the topics that would be discussed discussion – well just thinking about it make Alec want to puke…

He shuddered involuntarily, then forced a smile on his face. “Not now. I’m okay, maybe some other time,” he said, seemingly far away again.

Magnus looked at him carefully, waiting for Alec to say something more. When he had not, Magnus nodded.

“Okay, then. Have a good rest,” Magnus said, as he turned and walked into the kitchen.

Alec just stood there for a minute longer, as he watched Magnus walk away. 

He was feeling really conflicted. 

Part of him hated how they were acting toward one another right now – it was so stilted, as if walking on eggshells around each other. 

Well, that was mostly Alec’s own doing. 

He knew his actions had not exactly been ideal since returning, and that it had likely taken its toll on Magnus. 

Magnus never complained, as that was essentially his nature. 

However, there were just days when Alec would see Magnus looking less than stellar – he wouldn’t even bother to glamour himself and the circles under his eyes had grown a bit darker day by day. 

Seeing that would make Alec feel a twinge in his gut – _was it guilt?_ \-- for being so troublesome.

The other part, well, Alec’s feelings were so mixed most of the time, he preferred to be alone.

More than once, Magnus had tried to encourage him to talk to Catarina, but he had declined. 

He just wanted some space right now. 

He promised he would seek Catarina later when the time was right – for him. Magnus had agreed, and then left him to his own devices.

….

Alec did seem more tired than usual today, Magnus thought, his concern getting the better of him. 

He glanced back toward the living room. Alec had already gone to his room.

If this had been the past, Magnus would have been all over Alec, fawning over him from head to toe, and even giving him kisses along the side of his face and then lightly biting his neck – which Alec used to love back then. Anything to bring him comfort. 

If anything, he at least knew he had the power to give him that back then.

Keywords being _back then_, Magnus thought, a bit wistfully.

These days, those were just a distant memory – and no one knew if things would ever get better.

Magnus tried his very best to not read too much into Alec’s moods and behavior; Catarina had told him that Alec’s healing process was going to take an indefinite amount of time, and not to push too much.

He had to admit he was a little disappointed that Alec wanted to go to bed so early. But Alec’s health was the most important thing right now, so he would go along with whatever Alec wanted.

It’s not as if you expected things would change overnight, Magnus told himself. You knew you were going to be alone for a very long time, even after he returned. Even Catarina told you, there may be a chance that the old Alec, or the relationship that you two had, would never return.

At least, not without some serious one-on-ones and a lot of time.

Well, all he had was time. Also, thoughts which would keep circling in his head, driving him crazy.

What he couldn’t get out of his mind, though, was the look in Alec’s hazel eyes. 

He had seemed okay when they first left the hospital; but then in the past week, he had started looking – _lost? dazed? not completely present?_

He was so used to those eyes having a sense of purpose, a sense of intention, and most of love, the love they would have when they looked at him – well in the past anyway. 

Not this cloudy, off-focus type of look that Alec was sporting now.

Whenever Magnus noticed this, he would ask Alec if he was okay. Alec always said he was fine, and yet it would seem like he was either talking to someone else, or was actually somewhere else.

It was rather haunting. Magnus couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

He didn’t know what to do. 

He thought that Alec would eventually become more comfortable, being back at the loft. 

Well, time would tell. 

Regardless, they really should start sessions with Catarina.

But Alec had insisted he was not ready. Magnus had not wanted to push, so he had let things go.

Magnus sighed. Well, at least he himself elicited some comfort with Alec being back here.

With Alec back in the loft, at least he would not need to worry about losing control of his faculties. 

Alec’s presence alone would usually be enough to ground him on some level. He had always been more calm, more in control with Alec around him. 

And because of this, he was confident that, on his end, he would be able to be the rock Alec needed during his stages of healing.

But of course he and Alec needed to get to know each other over again, right now, it was really awkward. 

Not that he hadn’t expected it to be. But still.

Ugh, he just wished it didn’t feel so…uncomfortable. Part of him still had not wanted to agree to this arrangement. But Catarina insisted. 

And he did say yes…

_MAGNUS, STOP IT. _

_YOU LOVE ALEC. YOU DO._

_YOU DON’T RUN AWAY FROM THOSE YOU LOVE._

_OKAY SO YOU DID IT ONCE. NEVER FORGET THAT_

_DO NOT DO IT AGAIN!_

_A dull pressure started to build up behind Magnus’s eyes. _

His gaze fell to his right arm, mostly covered with the long sleeved shirt he consciously chose to wear. But he could see the edge of the scar today from the end of the sleeve. What he had done to himself. His arm...

_STOP IT, NOW. Go watch tv or something. _

Yea, okay, that sounded harmless enough.

He reached for the remote – and the strip of photos caught his eye. 

Magnus froze, his heart pounding.

*******

_Soft brown eyes. _

_Heterochromatic blue brown eyes. _

_Blazing gold cat eyes. _

_Jace. Magnus. From subzero frost with looks that could kill_

_then somehow changing back to some kind of uneasy truce and compassion._

Alec just lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling listlessly, thoughts of Jace and Magnus's odd exchange –_four days since his return?_ \-- going through his head. 

It had been three hours, and yet he had not dozed off yet. 

Thus his mind had wandered. Which was not always the best thing, as certain thoughts that he would prefer to keep at bay, might seep into his consciousness. 

And that -- he didn't want those thoughts to come, if he could help it. 

It was way too easy for him these days, to end up lost, drowning in memories and the sea of darkness that just always seemed to be nudging at him, ready to overtake him again...

And so he had forced his mind back to the idle work of refocusing on tangibles, reality. Things he loved, which had value for him. People here loved or meant something to him...

_Jace. _

_Isabelle. _

_Max. _

_Magnus_ –

Well, sort of?

He had no idea what they were to one another anymore -- but he would dwell on that later--

His thoughts went back to Jace, his parabatai -- who had unexpectedly come to Magnus's loft 4 days after he had been discharged from the hospital, and demanded that Alec go back with him to the Institute. 

It had been incredibly shortsighted and incredibly presumptuous on Jace’s part. Then again that was Jace pretty much, always quick to act, mostly without the proper etiquette present, or mindfulness for others.

Alec had not been mentally prepared for the presence of his parabatai so soon after he had arrived home from the hospital. 

Actually he should have felt much more settled in now after a week of being back.

And yet, on some level, it still felt like he had just come back yesterday. 

He had not had adequate time to get his bearings together. 

He just wasn't up to it. He wasn’t up for whatever they needed to do to move forward.

As far as he was concerned, he wasn't entirely sure he would be, at least in the near future.

In fact, Catarina had cautioned against any sort of confrontation or to be placed in any situations which could upset Alec's delicate mental balance at the present time --

The main reason why Alec was here, at the loft, instead of back at the Institute. 

Not that being back here, where he had come to know of as home - well actually Magnus had been his home back then, as he had opened his whole heart -- but then with the abandonment, to the odd turnabout where Magnus had agreed to take Alec under his care now, everything was such an incredible clusterfuck to the nth that Alec didn't know what to think.

Alec just needed time, and distance, to figure things out. To figure how where he belonged.

_To figure out again to what extent his place was, in the real world._

Again, that required a certain amount of time, the exact amount required being unknown at this time. Everything was still too stark, too raw. 

_It just seemed insurmountable, at times…_

Jace, in effect, had breached Alec's need for distancing, at a time when he was incredibly vulnerable...

Not that he hadn't been glad to see him. 

In fact, he had muted their bond while he was captured and then when he was in the hospital, in order to avoid weakening Jace on his end. Jace had missions, Jace had priorities.

Jace hadn’t been the one running off without a plan, then getting carelessly ensnared in a dangerous trap, drugged with vampire venom and rendered completely helpless…

Upon seeing him, the bond had exploded, reaching out for Jace, its other half, enveloping the both of them. It had overwhelmed Alec, with the need to see and feel Jace. 

Jace’s beauty – outer beauty – had been heightened at that moment, and it had been too much to take, when combined with the lifeforce exuded by the bond.

Usually it would have given him more strength. But given to one who was functioning at less than regular capacity, it could contribute toward a breakdown or collapse. 

He didn’t think he would have been able to handle it. So he had asked Jace to leave.

As the bond swelled and circled them, Alec had been reminded of all the things that he used to have, the person whom he used to be -- the strong solid parabatai that Jace needed to function completely, whether in battle or in day to day life. 

It had sent his mind spinning. His great and soul had gone into overdrive -- it had been _too much._

And right now, Alec Lightwood could not fulfill those ideals. He could not like up to those ideals. 

Alec was _nothing, _right now.

Nothing to anyone right now that could be even remotely useful.

He would have also been _seen_ as _nothing_, in the eyes of the Clave.

In fact, if the Institute knew what he had endured, and to see the state he was in now -- who knows what Clave protocols he would be subject to. Investigations, invasive and disruptive procedures --

_\-- the law is the law --_

As the Nephilim were so fond of saying. 

But then again, Alec had always found that saying to be suspect, and fraught with nepotism, knowing that it most likely always just flew out the window whenever non-Nepilim, such as Fae, Werewolf, Vampire, or Warlock were involved.

Investigations, interrogations, invasive procedures, poor treatment, truth serums, Agony runes – these all have been used before – and case in point, more recently when poor Magnus had been subject to it after Azazael had switched his body with Valentine’s. 

“Valentine” had been caught (really Magnus in the body), and subject to the Agony Rune. Magnus had suffered so much he nearly wished death upon himself, or so that was what he had told Alec at the time. Alec had almost cried himself to sleep shortly after Magnus had confessed that.

It had taken a long time for Magnus to get over that incident – it had been ugly, and Magnus could not trust anyone for weeks after, including Alec.

It had taken Alec even longer to forgive himself for not believing Magnus when he had cried for Alec to believe him, back in that prison cell – who wouldn’t have been confused if the person wearing the face of your mortal enemy was pleading for your love and understanding?

Alec shuddered, realizing that so much had happened in such a short time – to both him and Magnus. More recently, to him anyway.

How does a couple come back from this? he wondered. How does _he_ come back from what he’s endured?

Could he come back from all of this, and restart his life again?

Alec didn’t have any answers.

He didn’t even want to voice anything out, it would force him to acknowledge certain things and put it all out there on display.

Rght now, even though it was driving him absolutely insane at times -- the ability to be able to control things – even if only an illusion – was at least something he still had. 

He would try to retain this control for as long as he could.

So, as he had told Catarina, he didn’t need to talk just yet. 

He just needed time to reflect, and space from everyone.

Gad! All this overthinking, Alec thought wryly. Now he would never be able to get to sleep.

He punched and prodded his pillow and put his head down on it, but it still wasn’t comfortable.

Ah dammit, he thought. Maybe he would just go get some water from the kitchen, he certainly was not going to sleep anytime soon.

He wondered if he should take up Magnus’s offer of watching tv in the living room. He had said he was too tired before, but he was not tired anymore.

Slowly he got up from the bed, opened the door, and slowly shuffled into the hallway toward the living room. The lights were dimmed, and Magnus was sitting on the couch. As Alec walked closer, he noticed that Magnus was staring intently at something he was holding in his hand.

Alec’s curiosity got the better of him, and he tried to focus on what Magnus was looking at. 

His heart stilled.

It was the photo strip from their trip to Tokyo, clearly showing Alec and Magnus in happier times.

Alec’s heart began to bleed. He didn’t know that person anymore. 

The reflection from the TV screen flashed quickly, and only then did Alec see something on Magnus’s cheeks. They were wet. 

Magnus was weeping, silently, as he held the photos.

It almost felt like Alec was intruding upon a private moment Magnus was having, even though those were _their _photos.

That trip to Tokyo had been significant too – in some ways it had solidified their relationship.

It felt like it had happened in another life, and to another person. In fact, Alec could barely remember how it felt to be that carefree and happy…

Wistfulness crept up upon him so quickly, it made him choke back a sob.

_What happened to us, Magnus?_ he thought. _How did we get this far apart?_

He bit his lip and carefully walked past the living room to the kitchen for his water. 

Carrying the cup back, he attempted to tiptoe past the living room again on the way back to the bedroom.

No such luck.

Suddenly he was on the ground, left cheek having hit the floor, after he had tripped over a snag in the carpet. The cup of water had flown a few inches away, the water having spilled half on himself, and the rest all over the hardwood floor of the hallway.

_Shit…of all the stupid..._

“Alec!” Magnus’s musical voice, full of concern (?), loomed over him.

God, he felt stupid, just so stupid at this moment.

“I…tripped,” Alec said lamely.

“Are you okay?” Magnus asked, helping him up.

Alec looked up. “Yea, I’m okay…”

His voice trailed off as he met with Magnus’ glowing cat eyes. He was mesmerized.

“What?” Magnus asked. Then, as if he suddenly remembered, he was like, “Oh..” And blinked quickly. His brown glamoured eyes were back.

Alec inadvertently winced at that action.

Slowly they both stood up, and just looked at one another. “I dropped my water,” Alec observed weakly. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling right now, but he felt unbalanced and on edge.

Magnus snapped his fingers, without taking his eyes off of him. “The cup will be by your bedside,” Magnus said softly.

“Thanks,” Alec said.

Neither looked away.

Alec felt an urge to speak. “Those were great times, Tokyo,” he said the first thing that came into his head. Then froze. 

Oh crap..

Magnus froze as well, the expression in his eyes looking a bit affright.

“How much did you see?” he asked slowly.

“Not much, just that you were holding the photos before,” Alec admitted.

“I see,” Magnus said.

An awkward silence followed.

“Well,” Alec said awkwardly. “I should get going.” He gestured toward the bedroom.

Magnus nodded. “Yep. See you Alec,” he said.

But Alec didn’t make a move to turn and walk away.

And neither did Magnus.

Suddenly Alec found himself pressed up tightly against Magnus, of his own volition. Alec was embracing Magnus like a lifeline --as if he was unable to let him go. 

He buried his head in Magnus’s shoulder.

Alec had not even realized he had done that -- _until he was doing it. He was partly in shock ---_

_What am I doing ---? _

_But it feels nice. So nice…_

He felt Magnus stiffen with surprise, then slowly yield, as he put his arms around him as well.

They stood like that for a bit.

But Alec was suddenly feeling confused again…

The bad thoughts, including the thoughts of abandonment, crept back in.

Alec pulled away abruptly.

“I-I’m sorry,” he gasped, his hazel eyes wide and apologetic, filled with tears, as he looked at an equally shocked Magnus.

“I…cant,” Alec whispered.

“Alec,” Magnus finally uttered, his tone pleading. 

But Alec had already turned on his heel and hurried away.

_*********_

"_No.. No... Michael don't do this to me...noooooo" _

The moaning had started off quietly. But now it was so loud it had woken Magnus up.

"_Nooooooo..._

"_Nooooooo..."_

_Was Alec having a nightmare? Magnus thought._

He got out of bed and tiptoed to Alecs room, about to knock on the door, but ---

_"Michael, Michael...NNNNNNNN...N" Alec moaned from the other side of the door._

That was a kick to the gut. Magnus couldn't help gasping as tears welled up in his eyes and rolled down his face. 

He stood like that, his hand flat against the door. His ears were ringing, and he felt terrible...

Just like what he had heard at the hospital.

He gasped again, his emotions threatening to overcome him, the tears wet on his face.

Catarina's words suddenly broke though his tormented brain."This isn't about you," she had said. " It's not what you think."

He took a few deep breaths, trying to compose himself.

Easier said than done, eh? he thought bitterly.

In the next thought, he had berated himself for even thinking that.

Okay, need a broad plan of action.

You need to find out what was causing these nightmares. 

_Somehow_.

Because these nightmares were obviously hurting Alec.

.....

Sitting at the breakfast table, a few hours later, and trying to maintain composure, was one of the most incomphensibly difficult things Magnus had ever done.

To be the strong one, when all one wanted to do was to scream...

"Can I sit here?" Alec had appeared by the table out of the blue a few minutes before. Asking hesitantly. 

Magnus had been so lost in thought that he hadn't had him approach him.

"Uh, sure," Magnus said tonelessly. Alec sat down. Well at least Alec looked somewhat refreshed. 

However, Magnus was far from _that_.

Magnus's heartbeat stuttered then beat rapidly. Not in a good way.

"You still take coffee black?" he asked automatically.

"Yes," Alec said.

A cup of black coffee appeared in front of him.

"Thanks." 

Magnus put his hands around his own cup of coffee, about to drink it. Absentmindedly the pads of his fingers were touching the ceramic surface of the cup, feeling it's cold surface beneath his fingers.

He dazed out...

Suddenly Magnus realized that Alec was looking directly at him. "Your cup, Magnus," Alec uttered in a strange voice.

Magnus snapped to attention. He looked down.

Coffee was all over his hands, with the cup in fragments over all the table. He recoiled in shock. He could sense the remnants of the magical signature. His magic had reacted to his emotional instability.

_HE BROKE HIS OWN COFFEE CUP?! AND DIDN'T REALIZE IT?_

Holy crap, this was too much. The room was suddenly too small. 

Magnus shuddered involuntary.

"I... need a moment," he said, hastily getting up from the table, almost stumbling, his normal warlock grace absent. 

Without waiting for Alec's reply, he had made it into the foyer, where he all but collapsed into an armchair and shut off his eyes and mind.

_He just needed a mental break..._

_*********_

_2 weeks after coming home_

Alec stood in the middle of the kitchen, looking down at pancakes he had dropped after having spent time making them for breakfast. Ugh, now why did he have to go and do that for. All that time wasted.

You can’t do anything right, a voice inside his head said mockingly. 

_Figures you let yourself get caught by a demon, and then_…

Suddenly he felt disoriented as that thought crossed his mind, and a chill passed through his entire body.

He shuddered as a realization washed over him.

His eyes flew to the left side of the balcony, where everything had begun…where he had been _caught_.

He did not feel comfortable here.

He felt like a stranger -- in what was supposed to be his _home_. 

Alec knew these feelings had not come from nowhere. He had been feeling it ever since he returned. 

He had just tried to evade it all this time. 

But the feelings would edge him from time to time, almost like a tease. He would then continually try to push it out, by going to work out, by pacing endlessly from room to room, his fingernails digging into his palms…

He turned both his wrists over, glancing at the five identical 2 inch cuts, now scarring, which had recently appeared on the inner part of both wrists.

Those cuts had been courtesy of the small plastic butter knife he had stolen from the hospital. Catarina had searched him diligently and thoroughly before he left, and he had thought she would have found and discarded it – then declaring that he couldn’t leave the hospital. 

But she had not, and hence declared him clean. He had hidden it within an inside pocket of his jeans, and it had gone detected. 

Still, Alec had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t use it. It would just be there, hidden under the clothing in his dresser – to be forgotten as he slowly got better.

Unfortunately, things had just not been so simple. The awkwardness, the flooding of bad memories coming back, and the nightmares had taken its toll on him.

So, whenever he had been feeling uneasy during that first week after returning home, and after that weird exchange with Magnus (yea, he made sure he did not touch Magnus again, that was just too damn weird), during a weak moment, he had grabbed the knife, pressed the jagged edge to the skin, and started sawing across until he had drawn blood.

Instant relief, and worries forgotten. 

He then allowed them to heal, swearing he would never do it again. 

But soon the moments had become much more frequent, and one scar had soon become five – one set per wrist. 

A matching set. Almost symmetrical in fact, he noted wryly.

Hardly something to be proud of.

Eventually, in a rare moment of courage, Alec had gone to Magnus. He had wordlessly flipped over his wrists. He nearly died inside as Magnus’s face flashed a look of devastation, before abruptly changing into a tight-lipped grimace.

“Ah,” Magnus had said slowly, in that calm and collected voice that he knew Magnus was so good at doing, “Well, Catarina did tell me that the process would be slow, with a lot of setbacks.” 

Magnus had then looked away for a moment, bringing his hand to his face but not saying anything – and Alec had just cringed, knowing that Magnus was either crying or upset. 

Why couldn’t he keep from hurting Magnus? Alec had thought despondently.

Awkwardly, he had fished inside his jeans pocket, and brought out the plastic knife. His eyes had clung to the jagged edge of that tool, and for a moment he had froze – almost regretting that he had done this. 

He’s just going to take it away, and then what will you use next time? his brain thought.

No, Alec told himself firmly, Because there won’t be a next time…

At that time, he thought he could at least try to keep to this resolve. 

Especially since he was making himself accountable now.

And then, as if Magnus had heard his thoughts, he had whirled around just as quickly, his face calm once again. 

His eyes flitted down to the plastic knife Alec was holding out, which was shaking slightly as Alec held it, his eyes fixated on it. 

Alec did his best to wrench his gaze from the knife to look directly at Magnus. He took a deep breath. His mouth was suddenly dry, and he idly ran his tongue over his teeth.

“Alec,” Magnus had said, fixing his serious brown eyes on his -- 

\-- _call me Alexander, please! _Alec’s brain screamed desperately –

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked carefully, his eyes on his. 

“I don’t know,” Alec said. He wouldn’t even know where to start.

“How about Catarina? Should we call her –”

“Not yet, please,” Alec pleaded in a small voice. “Please don’t tell her about this, yet? It was a moment of weakness. I won’t do it again. I did give you the knife right?”

Magnus was silent as he took in these words. Alec’s hazel eyes were sad, sadder than he'd ever seen them. 

It broke his heart.

Magnus sighed.

“It’s okay, Alec. Never worry. It means something that you came to me with this. It took a lot of courage,” he said.

Magnus had swallowed hard then, as his voice had broken up slightly at the end of that sentence. 

He blinked once. 

And then continued, “Thank you, Alec. I appreciate it. You may go back to your room if you need to rest,” he said finally.

Alec couldn’t say anything. He was feeling too many conflicted emotions at that time. He just nodded stiffly, before bolting back to the room down the hall. 

He could feel Magnus’s eyes searing into his back as he ran to his room and shut the door.

…..

_3 days ago…_

Alec stepped out to the balcony, staring out at the perfect evening sky, with the New York City skyline stretching out across the horizon. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, the stars were out and twinkling in unison, and the moon was a perfect slim crescent with just that hint of illumination against the smooth, velvety darkness.

Such nights used to make him feel safe. Especially when he was viewing the sights at Magnus’s loft. He recalled how the gentle night breeze would hit his face, and it would send pleasurable sensations throughout his body. He would then take deep breaths, and it would make him feel oh so alive and amazing.

He would feel grateful. And safe.

However, that was so far from what he was feeling at the present. He just did not feel safe here.

Somehow he had felt much more safe and comfortable in the hospital.

His gaze idly turned to the left side of the balcony window. It totally looked odd, it being empty, devoid of the bookcase and liquor cabinet which had occupied the space month ago.

That…was the spot where Samael had grabbed him – shortly after he had walked into the loft and just stared blankly at the half burnt remains, all in disarray, with a mixture of disbelief and shock.

Along with that damning image of those two – Magnus and Dot -- in compromising positions – disheveled, with Dot and her dress half falling off her body. 

Those purple marks sucked into her neck and chest. Magnus's arm around her torso, the red lipstick on his mouth... 

The sight had been nauseating; Alec had nearly thrown up on the spot. But Shadowhunters had always been taught to hold things in, to not overreact. 

Yet, as his eyes had travelled over that damning evidence, and Magnus’s tortured eyes had stared blankly at him, he had felt such rage as he blindly stormed to the balcony – only to be suddenly yanked by Samael, due to being distracted at the time. Ugh…

He turned away quickly, averting his eyes from where that bookcase had been.

But now nothing could truly stop the memory of those harrowing visuals, which had been burned into his brain after he had demanded Magnus show him the truth.

And he had saw something die in Magnus’s eyes as Alec demanded to see the truth about him and Samael. He needed to see whatever it was that had made Magnus go pale and trembling, tears filling his bright golden eyes. He just had to see it, he had demanded to see it.

And Magnus, trembling and nervous, had acquiesced…

Alec shut his eyes for a moment. That had, in essence, been when everything had started unraveling. Everything he had thought he had known, it had been stripped bare in light of the ugly truth, of what Samael had done to him. 

He had thought it had just been some mad rape fantasy that his mind had conjured up upon having contact with the demon, as demons were known to have magic like that. 

However, it had turned out that his worst fears had been realized. Samael had outrightly held him down and raped him once he had passed out in his clutches, and even right as Magnus was standing here. But Magnus had been frozen with fear at Alec being in danger, and thus had not been acutely aware of the signs that this had been happening. 

Demons just had that way of getting their way, even under everyone’s noses.

Which Magnus had seen all – in hindsight – by retrieving memories. Nothing got past that spell.

Of course, to this day, Alec still wondered how Magnus became suspicious about what Samael had done to him, enough to even use that spell

His eyes then fell upon the foyer. That was where Magnus had thrown open the portal, telling him to leave. In that cold cruel tone. Of course now he knew that it had only been a façade. But he would never be able to forget how it had cut into his bone, and broken his heart…

Then he had fled. 

Right into the arms of Michael. Who had…

No, don’t think of him. Don’t think…of _that._

His hands started shaking. 

_Don’t think of that._

Taking one hand, he firmly grabbed the other one tightly. The shaking stopped.

He hung his head and closed his eyes, taking deep, shallow breaths.

And sighed.

This had been much_ harder_ than he had anticipated…All of this.

He should not have come back to the loft.. This was... excruciating.

Alec just stood there, staring listlessly at a space in front of him, feeling lost.

*****************************

_icy cold hands creep up the side of his body_

_he's flinching_

_trying to push them away _

_but they don't stop, and so they continue_

_tracing shapes loops in and out of places they shouldn't be_

_Twisting wrenching in and out of crevices and holes_

_As you writhe beneath me, your mouth is red, half open and panting, morning with pleasure_

_Just make it stop, PLEASE PLEASE_

_Your mouth says no but your body betrays you_

_You know you like it_

_I am the only one who loves you, who took you in_

_Love you love you love you_

_You will learn to love me, as I will give you pleasure_

_beyond anything you know_

_to submit is to let go_

_to the greatest pleasure one could feel_

_by my hand_

_to awaken that part of you upon command_

_Love you love you love you_

_you are mine..._

OH FUCK, HE'S GOING TO ---

_Alec's eyes flash open, his heart beating terribly fast, his chest is heaving like he had just suffered some horrible trauma..._

_But he also feels...floaty? Unfocused? Like a weight had fallen off his shoulders?_

_His hand inadvertently travels to his belly._

_He's sticky. It's a lot. _

_Holy ---_

_His mind spins... Just from that!!?_

_He tips his head back, and closes his eyes in disgust. _

_He cant believe it. NOT AGAIN. _

_Hastily he jumps up and grabs the paper towels by his bedside table. Wipes it all up._

_He lays back down._

_He's so disgusting. Despicable. How could he just come from that_

_He deserves it... Ugh_

_He is staring up at the ceiling. For what seems like an eternity. _

_Seeing nothing at all._

_His hand finds itself suddenly at the base of his cock. _

_And he strokes..._

_..._

_Two hours later, he is spent, and sticky. And horribly disgusted with himself.._

_...._

_This nightmare recurs every other night, with the same result ever morning..._

_And the cycle is continued._

_And Alec sinks, sinks, sinks..._

_... further into oblivion _

_but the self hate takes hold with a vengeance every time he finishes_

_the nasty stickiness clinging to him_

_Reminder of his shame_

_********_

_"AAAUGHHHHH! AAAUGHHHHH! NOOOO!"_

_"NOOOO Michael NOOOOO..."_

_Silence... Then it starts up again_

_"BY THE ANGEL, OMG OMG OMG OMG.."_

_Magnus's eyes pop open, as the hurtful, wailing, the moans float throughout the loft. _

_Lilith, was that Alec... again? _

_This was the 3rd time this week, in the middle of the night -- _

_The same screaming, the same moaning_

_So far really general_

_But horrifying just the same._

_Does he go over to investigate?_

_To see if he's okay?_

_DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW..SHIT IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S GETTING OFF like that other day_

_But what if it's not?_

_AAAUGHHHHH! AAAUGHHHHH! NOOOO!"_ _  
_

_(Murmurs and unintelligible moans)_

_"UGGGGGH MIIIIIICHAEL"_

_Magnus's heart suddenly felt like it was stomped upon and then thrown in the trash. _

_FUCK. WELL, SHIT._

_So much for that._

_He pulls the covers over his head._

_He feels like shit. He's such a coward._

_But how can he face him?_

_*****"_

_Alec felt like crap. The nightmares always seem to come, leading him on, leading him to do something he hates, but something that now feels out of control._

_It's been 4 days this week, this neverending cycle_

He's felt like shit. And Magnus hasn't looked well either --

Actually come to think of it, Magnus asked him the other day if he had nightmares, because he heard Alec screaming. 

At night and around dawn...

Alec had said nothing. But he knows his eyes had gone as wide as saucers. 

He hesitantly asked, "Was that all you heard? Have you hear anything else?"

"N-N-No," Magnus replied, a little too quickly, his eyes averted.

Fuck...

Then in a lower tone of voice, he heard Magnus mutter, "Don't concern yourself with me. It doesn't matter what I think..."

He turned away.

Alec just closed his eyes, dipping his head, as waves of shame and disgust wash over him.

Yes, these nightmares, and the aftermath --- this self-destructive cycle...

_NEEDS TO STOP. _

_***********_

_3am_

_Need...to...stay...up..._

Sleepily, Alec tried to open his eyes the widest that he could, as he paced from one end of the loft to the other. He took his steps carefully, as it was in the middle of the night, and the only light was the nightlight in the hallway.

_Okay now_, he thought, mentally counting his steps as he walked, trying his best to stay awake. _Bedroom..hallway..living room...kitchen. _

_Need to stay up, need to stay up, so the nightmares don't get me, _he chanted to himself, as if repeating a mantra. _  
_

And it had been working. However, then that meant he would stumble back into his room around 630am, and sleep the rest of the day. 

_But worth it, if it would keep those nightmares... and those visions at bay..._

_Get a cup of water, drink. _

_Living room, then balcony..._

_Almost there..._

"Ah, fuck!" he cursed, as he stubbed his toe on the lower part of the couch, and nearly pitched forward. Ugh of all the things that he would trip on, he thought, biting his lip...

"Alec?"

Crap, he had woken Magnus up. He had been trying not to. At least for the past few nights, he had succeeded...

_Until now._

_Sure enough_, a sleepy looking Magnus had poked his head out of the master bedroom.

"What are you doing up, Alec?" he asked, confused. "It's 3am in the morning."

"Uh,"Alec said, thinking quickly, "I went to get some water." That at least was true, as he had the cup in his hand.

Magnus looked at him, with an expression that showed that he had not been completely convinced by that.

"Mhmm," he hummed. "And how about the past few nights?"

_Shit, caught..._

"I've heard you walking around, muttering things, then go back to your room at god knows what hour, and then you don't come out for the rest of the day," Magnus stated. 

He looked at Alec pointedly. 

"That's not really healthy, you know?" he said.

For some reason, that just hit Alec the wrong way at that particular moment. 

"Well, it's working for me," Alec said defensively "I don't need you to tell me what to do."

It just came out the way it came out. It was too late for Alec to take it back, even if he had wanted to.

Magnus just stared at him -- _hard, _the expression on his face unreadable. Without a word, he pivoted on his foot and left the room_._

Alec just stared. 

And sighed_._

*****************************

_A few days later..._

Yawning, Alec stumbled out of room, into the hallway, just catching himself from falling. Ugh it had been another sleepless night, only to crash at dawn. He figured it was already early afternoon, as that had been the time that he's been waking up, due to his abnormal sleep schedule. 

At least he's been avoiding the nightmares this way... Yet he hasn't been able to do anything else, as he is drowsy during the day...

He managed to make it to the living room. He froze as he heard Magnus talking on a low voice.

“Yea, about Alec…” . 

Magnus’s back was to him, sitting on the couch in the living room, talking into a phone.

Alec stopped. 

Was Magnus talking to someone about him? 

Should he care about that? Should he just let it be and go back to his room, like he had planned?

The next moment, Alec found himself walking slowly toward Magnus. He just wanted to get some more insight on what the conversation was about. After all, shouldn’t he be aware, since the conversation was obviously about him??

The next moment, he found out who was on the other line.

“Catarina,” Magnus said in a low voice, “Yea, we will try to schedule a time for you to come…”

“I’m right here, you know,” Alec suddenly snapped, suddenly out of patience. Magnus visibly stiffened, turning toward Alec. 

Alec couldn’t help glaring at Magnus, who cowered. Alec did not know why he was angry, but he was. Looking at Magnus, and his face dropping, he felt horrible, but he couldn’t help the words that were coming out of his mouth.

“You two don’t need to talk behind my back, as if I am not here,” he continued, almost snappish in time. The volume of his voice had also risen, somewhere dangerously. “You got that? Anyway, I’m going to take a shower, now. I need to cool off.”

Magnus’s glamour had dropped, that intense gaze lingering on Alec. It was so raw, Alec looked away, he could not stand seeing that look in his eye. 

That look that _he_ had caused.

He could not hold the gaze. 

_I’m sorry, Magnus,_ he thought, sighing. But that did not do much to alleviate the anger already rushing through his body.

He just needed to get out of the room this instant. NOW.

With that, he spun on his heel, and went into the bathroom, slamming the door.

The bathroom light was harsh white, and bright, and Alec blinked as he stared at the door blankly for a moment. Then he turned and leaned his whole body against the door, sliding down until he was sitting on the floor. He shut his eyes and took deep breaths.

I’m so sorry, Magnus, he thought despondently. His heart alternated between feeling empty, and feeling the worst heartache he had ever felt in his entire life.

Magnus didn’t need _this…him…_

_I’m so sorry…._

_*******_

_Mood: The Cure - Bloodflowers_

He didn't know how long he had been sitting here, in Magnus's bathroom -- his knees up to his chest, and his head in his hands. His hands were still trembling. 

He was still angry.

All he knew was that he needed to get away from the living room, and from Magnus's haunting voice and eyes. From Catarina, who was on the phone with Magnus – from knowing what he was doing, even when he was not in front of her. Those had the power to unnerve him. He did not wish to be treated with pity right now. 

How dare people talk about him, make decisions for him when they weren’t face to face with them. As if they had the right to talk about him, like his feelings didn’t matter.

Or how people, with all their good intentions, just didn’t leave him to heal as he should be healing…and wanted to see how he was doing, thinking he should be fine. 

Well, he was not fine.

Why couldn't people just leave him be? He just needed more time...

He took a deep breath. 

Anyway, he was finally going to take a shower, after all that time in the hospital. He felt grimy. 

He went to turn on the shower, to warm up the water. The he stepped back to start looking for toiletries.

Well, at least he would _try_ to take a shower. But it would probably be more like sitting in the shower, alone with his thoughts, then maybe slowly soaping and rinsing himself clean. 

Baby steps, he thought. 

That should be a therapeutic way of calming him down. 

But, could he ever _truly_ be clean, again?

Depression reared its ugly head again. Ugh, he needed to stop thinking that way. But he couldn't.

The feelings of inadequacy from childhood, instilled by his parents, came back again.

The feelings of inadequacy he had felt, when Magnus had told him to go, after he had found out Samael had raped him, came back full force once again. The feeling of abandonment…feeling like he didn’t belong anywhere…feeling like he had no place to go.

It was more than anyone could bear...

Clumsily, he moved his hand across the sink while lost in thought, knocking over a glass bottle of liquid soap.

It shattered.

All of a sudden he could no longer hear the sound of the water coming down from the shower head into the bath.

All he saw were those shards of glass in the bowl of the sink, with other pieces on the hard tile floor.

They looked so sharp...to the point where if one were to drag it against the skin, it would probably open up instantaneously, which would lead to relief without the immense pain.

And he needed the relief. 

By this time, the waves of depression had hit him with such force, he gasped at how torn his heart felt. The pain of heartbreak was unbearable...

Then the images of Michael came forth, with his silky smooth voice, and the shame associated with his forced touching and wrenching of his fingers into his opening….all these memories flooded with shame through Alec's being. 

As much as those ended up providing physiological responses at the time, Alec knew the difference.

That had not been love. 

It had been rape. 

However, somewhere within him, he felt like he _deserved _it, as he had no longer been clean for Magnus by then.

_And now_…Jace knew how weak he currently was, when he had shown up at Magnus’s door unexpectedly. Somehow Alec couldn't handle that mentally. 

So when his dick got hard again, at the thought of those physiological responses to Michael's touch, how he had shivered at Michael’s voice, telling him that he loved him, and working him open as he did so – Alec couldn’t help but to touch himself, grabbing, rougher and rougher as he relived the agony and conflicting emotions associated with the mixed messages received during that time. 

He deserved to be punished for his body responding to that touching – the hands that were not Magnus's.

He deserved to be punished for being weak and questioning Michael’s intentions – Michael had very nearly made him believe he belonged to him.

He had, in fact given up, right before he was miraculously rescued.

And back then, he thought that would solve everything.

Actually, he had thought that once he was back home, at the loft, that it would solve…everything. But it hadn’t. And it even seemed to make things worse. 

Too much reminders, too many bad memories. Sometimes it would all come back so intensely, it was too much to bear.

He deserved to be punished for being weak. 

Even Jace was now aware that he was that weak and vulnterable. 

He was dirty, he was weak, and he deserved to get hurt. 

_He deserved what Michael did to him. _

He was too weak, and he got ensnared by him. 

In allowing himself to climax, he was punishing himself and allowing Michael to win this battle, currently overtaking his very soul. He came so hard, he had to brace himself with the heel of his free hand against the sink. 

His breaths came out shallow, ragged, and his heart pounded so hard in his ears

_He was suddenly back there, again, in the den, lying on that couch, legs splaying out_

_in and out of consciousness_

_as nips and tears and kisses and tugs tore his skin and frayed his nerves_

_Love you love you love you_

_Michael whispered in his ear, as his fingers explored all over, violated him, as his teeth sunk into him…_

_his back arching_

_his hand grabbing Michael’s hair and tugging_

_his mouth, so warm but so wrong_

_hitting the back of his throat over and over again…_

_It's getting close  
I lose control  
It's taking over  
It's getting close  
I lose control  
It's taking over_

_I own you, _Michael had said in his dream...

He knew these things and these actions were not productive, Catarina had warned him as such...

However, his body didn't give a shit what Catarina said, as his brain shut off upon his body shuddering with his climax. And his mind and body went to oblivion for a few moments. 

His whole world went black…

_I’m slipping in the deep end  
I'm in over my head  
I can't catch my breath  
I'm slipping into the deep end  
Feel the current within  
I can't help but give in  
I'm lost in the deep end_

He didn’t know how he was still standing, as the darkness washed over him, but he knew he was.

In those few moments, he felt absolute bliss – there were no worries, no expectations from others, no expectations placed upon himself, and no grieving of the loss of a life and person he once knew…

Only to come crashing down minutes later, darkness faded to reality…

…him standing in the bathroom, the heel of his hand desperately keeping him from falling, cum on him, cum on the sink and floor -- feeling used and worthless. 

But like an addict, he did it again, and again. He got more and more lightheaded, and less in control, as if something was guiding his actions. The pull of oblivion was delicious, he was powerless to resist…

Those bits of oblivion were like heaven but way too short...and the comedown even worse.

_Love you love you love you_

The sound of the shower water coming down masked his noises, which increased every time, and especially if he clutched his testicular area as tightly as possible, to emulate how the cock ring had held off his orgasms when he was imprisoned.

Soon he lost his bearings…he had to remind himself of where he was, as he seemed to lose sense of reality after every comedown. He looked down at himself. His hands and body were sticky with cum, and his feelings at the lowest of the low. He wasn't worth shit.

He felt almost nothing now. Empty. No place at all.

He grabbed some toilet tissue and wiped roughly at his hands to rid himself of the sticky excess.

The lyrics and music of the last song he had listened to while in the room this morning resonated in his mind. Like a robot, he looked toward the glass in the sink and on the floor again.

He became transfixed at the sharpness of their edges.

He examined all the shards with a critical eye, then reached down to pick up the sharpest looking one. This one also had a slight curve to it so it would make it easier to dig...

The song he was listening to earlier, resonated in his mind...

_"this dream never ends" you said_  
_"this feel never goes_  
_The time will never come to slip away"_  
_"this wave never breaks" you said_  
_"this sun never sets again_  
_These flowers will never fade"_  
_"this world never stops" you said_  
_"this wonder never leaves_  
_The time will never come to say goodbye"_  
_"this tide never turns" you said_  
_"this night never falls again_  
_These flowers will never die"_

_Never die_

  
_Never die_

  
_These flowers will never die_

A thought of Magnus, with concern in his eyes, flitted through his mind. It was enough to make him smile, slightly. _But it wasn't enough._

His smile fades, as the grips of depression sets in again. _You were meant to be my forever. _

But alas...

_"this dream always ends" I said_  
_"this feeling always goes_  
_The time always comes to slip away"_  
_"this wave always breaks" I said_  
_"this sun always sets again_  
_And these flowers will always fade"_  
_"this world always stops" I said_  
_"this wonder always leaves_  
_The time always comes to say goodbye"_  
_"this tide always turns" I said_  
_"this night always falls again_

_…these flowers will always…_

_…DIE…_

Closing his eyes tightly against unshed tears, Alec moved the pads of his thumbs slowly in circles against the sharp edge of the glass. 

Then the glass found itself on the tender side of his wrist…

Scrape, scrape against the surface of his skin. He trembled as slight relief emanated through his very being.

He just needed a little something.

Something in his head SCREAMED.

_NO! _

_You know where this leads. Is this what you really want?_

_How about Isabelle? _

_How about Jace?_

_How about…Magnus??_

Magnus.

…give me flowers of blood…

Well. That was a tough one, wasn’t it.

What was he even doing, staying with him? 

A visual popped up into his head, making him recoil.

_.I own you…_

_….the ghost whispered spitefully into his ear while stroking him with the touch of a lover, wrenching him open while rubbing against that part of him which made him moan in ecstasy_

_…love you love you love you_

He so desperately wanted to put his hands on himself, again

To tug, and tug, and tug himself to a false ecstasy

With that voice in his ear that continued to stain his soul

But it would put him further into this negative cycle of self-destruction

…and he really just wanted it…to end.

How awesome would it be, to be free of all of this ---

_…love you love you love you_

With just a bit of applied pressure, the sharp part of the glass easily sliced into the superficial top layer of his skin, and then he tugged it straight across with a bit more force --

_Wasn’t that almost like when those teeth grazed and then finally broke the skin --_

He fell the familiar…soothing rolling fluid seeping through.

And it felt like he was _free._

5 minutes passed…

The feelings aren’t quite gone. 

As in a trance, he went through the motions again.

_Slice…_

_Drip drip drip_

_Drip drip drip_

_The feeling of the thick fluid…the weight of it on his skin, as it rolled slowly, slowly down the length of his forearm_

_then just lightly falling off his elbow_

He’s mesmerized, feeling it roll slowly off the elbow.

_Better. But not quite…_

_Repeat._

_Feel, and Repeat._

This time Alec forced himself to focus on it.

Dark red. Liquid. 

It bubbled slightly into a round spherical shape, dynamic – a little shaky – as it perched amidst the opening of the new cut

…before it rolled down, like a slow river, following the path of the others, to flick of the edge of his elbow….

_..so how was he feeling now?_

Almost…_but not quite._

Repeat.

Always fade…. 

_Hmm, it doesn’t even hurt anymore.. .these past few slices…_

_Still…not there yet…_

_SLICE._

I let fall….

Flowers..of blood..

He was no longer focusing on what he was doing. 

In fact, he didn’t realize that he had moved his hand a little much to the side on his forearm, and that it was about to hit a major artery.

He picked that moment, although already a bit faint from the loss the blood – but now his body was singing and he wasn’t really paying attention to anything else. His brain was telling him to apply even more pressure, because it felt…good. 

The sharp, slightly curved part of the shard of glass happened to _catch _onto his arm. Resistance…

His brain yelled, “Resistance! Tug at it!”

And so he did – hard. This time, the glass ripped the skin wide open. And just as conveniently, nicked an artery. 

Alec was so focused on holding the shard of glass steady, ready to feel his skin tear for relief, he failed to notice the gush of blood at first.

He sighed upon the skin ripping open; it felt so much more relieving this time than the rest.

The blood started to spurt from this artery, a lot stronger than just dripping. Wow this really felt a lot better than before

_…why was it so different_

After a few minutes, it started to HURT. That broke Alec out of his daze. 

He stared, just stared with some morbid fascination -- at the spurting artery. Wow, he hadn’t meant to cut that deep. 

_Or did he?_

He felt just a bit dizzy -- but managed to grab a towel from the cabinet. He attempts to wrap the towel around the open wound to stop the bleeding are not successful.

The towel became soaked before long. His eyes widened. _Holy shit, this wasn’t working._

His head and heart started to feel woozy, and funny. He started to feel a bit dazed. Was he actually glad that it wasn’t working? 

It was wrong to feel this way, right? 

But he started to feel at peace, mind and soul, for the first time in a long long time. 

His worries were going away…he could feel them all slowly, slowly fading…

He was going to a place where no one could hurt him again—

…with their unrealistic expectations

…where Michael couldn’t haunt his living daydreams and nightmares

…where he wouldn’t need to remember that he was not who he used to be

…where he wouldn’t be dying inside every single day since he was rescued. 

_On some level he wished he had died in that den…_

But at least –

…he had this, now.

_He just wanted all of this, to end._

“Magnus,” he whispers, too weak to yell.

Magnus! 

A pair of gold cat eyes blazed in the back of his mind, burning into his depth of vision and brain.

The one person whom he cared about. 

_However…_

He realized he was not calling out to Magnus to come save him. 

He…he wanted to let him know that he loved him, and he was sorry he couldn’t be who he needed him to be. 

He wanted to tell him he was sorry he couldn’t be stronger. 

He wanted_…he wanted…_

His thoughts waned.

Those gold cat eyes sizzled in his mind, and beckoned, then slowly started fading.

_However, the outline of his eyes seemed to be imprinted in his brain like a faded shadow with balls of fire burning incessantly within him –_

_It seemed rather fitting though – out of everything in this life, it would be thoughts of Magnus that he would want lingering in his mind, before everything else is gone…_

Dizzy, dizzier still…

His eyes rolled back as his vision blurred…

He didn’t even feel it when he collapsed onto the hard cold tile of the bathroom floor.

The towel unraveled from the bleeding arm as his hand loosened its grip, and landed limply against the tile…blood slowly pooling on the tile floor where Alec lay slumped on the hard tile floor , his heartbeat echoing loudly in his ears…

Yet Alec was no longer able to hear this, as he had already lost consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \-- I'm sorry?
> 
> Next Chapter to come soon.
> 
> _________
> 
> Please note: No translating or inspired works of this fic without explicit permission from the author. Thank you


	15. Point of No Return...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus comes face to face with his worst nightmare -- ever...
> 
> Then it becomes a race against time to save Alec...
> 
> But he's not the only one that ends up needing help...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to [Sivan325](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sivan325/pseuds/SivanShemesh) for looking things over for me. I'm so blessed to have awesome fellow writers as friends on here :) BTW check out her link for some kickass works! <3

The noise caught Magnus's attention as he was talking on the phone with Catarina. It had sounded like a soft thud, but nothing specific or worthy of notice.

Magnus settled into the couch and lowered his voice. "Ah you heard all of that before, eh? Yes, Alec seemed quite angry with me," he said despondently, sighing.

"Well I guess I can't blame him. But he keeps refusing to start sessions, and the last few weeks have definitely been a challenge..." 

Magnus trailed off as he recalled Alec's nightmares, then snapping at Magnus even he was trying to give him feedback. It was so unlike him, or rather, unlike how he used to be. 

Alec had never spoken to him in quite that way before. 

He winced. His heart hurt so badly right now.

It wasn't the ideal precedent he wanted to set for any new situation between them. 

When Alec had snapped at him, his heart had bled. _You deserved it though_, his brain thought. _For everything you put him through.._

His mind was still reeling from it now, trying to reconcile what just happened. 

"What's he doing now, you ask? He said he was going to take a shower," he said slowly.

Magnus glanced at his phone idly to check the time.

"But he's probably done now, and back in the room. It's been about half an hour now, so he's probably resting. His sleep schedule had been off these past few days. Nightmares and such," he said evasively. 

He couldn't get the memory of Alec moaning and screaming out of his head.

"Hmm -- you want him to come on the phone? Are you sure, Catarina?”

Magnus frowned at that suggestion. Alec had been pretty angry during the confrontation before. And even more so, when he had figured out it was Catarina on the other line. 

Did he even attempt to approach him now? 

Then again, it had already been half an hour. 

Maybe Alec would have cooled down by now. Or maybe he would have fallen asleep, given the sleepless nights he has been having as of late.

Anyway, no harm in checking, right?

"I'll try to get him. No promises though, okay? Hold on." Magnus said. 

He got up from the couch, bringing the phone with him, and walked down the hallway slowly, half dreading having to talk to Alec. 

He was not really looking forward to it, given how they had left things earlier, but they had to talk at some point, right? 

But if he was asleep, then he could just have Catarina call him later.

As he approached Alec's room, he noticed that the door was slightly ajar. He raised his hand and knocked.

"Alec? Alec? Catarina would like to speak with you," he said. "Now I'm not sure if you want to speak to her, but I think it would be a good idea --"

He inadvertently pushed the door open while he was knocking. Alec's bed was unmade -- and empty. 

Hmm, that was strange, Magnus thought. So Alec wasn't in his room? 

Where would he be then? Magnus was really confused right now.

No he couldn't have gotten dressed and gone out, right? Magnus knew that was preposterous, but Alec had been really angry, and sometimes people might do things outside of their usual behavior if provoked.

True, if he had gone out, Magnus would have heard him open the door. Secondly, he would be incredibly worried -- and annoyed -- with him. 

In the past, they would never do anything without at least leaving a note or text letting each other know what they were up to. Of course, nothing in the past really mattered now, but still... It was considered common courtesy.

Magnus was so lost in thought that he suddenly realized that the shower was still running in the bathroom. 

Huh? he thought. Alec was still taking a shower?

Well, sometimes people enjoyed long showers, he tried to reason within himself. 

However, another feeling started taking root, and he swallowed hard, trying to fight against it. 

Making his way to the bathroom door, he knocked hesitantly at first. 

No answer.

He tried a little louder. 

No answer.

It's the running water in the shower, he reasoned. It was hard to hear the knocking.

"Alec!" he yelled, knocking a bit louder. "Everything ok in there?"

The only answer he received was the sound of the running water from the shower.

Something in his gut started to twist and feel uneasy.

"Alec! Alec!" he yelled more insistently, knocking more urgently.

Nothing...

Magnus grabbed the doorknob to open the door. He was not going to use any magic, as that would be rude and an invasion of privacy. No matter how fragile their status was right now, that was something he would never do.

The doorknob wouldn't budge. Dammit, Alec had locked it. 

Magnus started banging on it, as he yelled, "Alec, open the door!" Please!"

"Magnus! Magnus? What's going on?" Catarina's worried voice could be heard faintly. 

However, Magnus did hear her, and promptly put her on speaker. 

"I don't know, Cat!" he said, his voice growing frantic. Alec wasn't in his room, and the bathroom door is locked with the shower running! I don't think he ever came out! I'm calling to him but he's not opening the door!"

"What?! Blast out the door! Now!" Came Catarina's immediate reply, her voice suddenly full of urgency.

Yes, I knew that, Magnus thought, berating himself, as he willed magic into his hands. He made a mental note to make sure that the blast would be directed outward, as to not hurt Alec, who was inside the bathroom.

Counting to three, blue flares struck the door, and suddenly wood pieces amidst fire was coming at him. He jumped out of the way quickly to avoid getting hit.

His eyes took in the scene before him.

And NOTHING could have prepared him for what he was taking in.

Alec was lying on the floor, his body having fallen so that it was facing toward the bathtub, and away from the door. From his vantage point, multiple slices were all over both forearms, of which the bottom ones still appeared fresh. He was lying in an ever-increasing pool of blood, still coming out steadily from his left forearm -- a vertical cut that was jagged and deep -- it had cut through all layers of skin. 

Jagged pieces of broken glass on the sink, on the floor, some of them bloody 

– from his _glass soap dispenser_, no less

_and what the hell was he even thinking, keeping that in there (!) –_

_Magnus had forgotten how to breathe in that moment, his heart in his throat. He forced himself to walk further into the bathroom so he could see Alec’s face._

Alec’s eyes were closed, his mouth slightly open, his skin fairly sweaty, his black hair matted against his face, his skin -- which was the palest he had ever seen.

Alec wasn't moving.

_And...he didn't appear to be breathing._

Shocked, Magnus dropped his phone, as his eyes widened. His heartbeat went into overdrive.

_"_Magnus? Magnus? I heard that crash. What happened? MAGNUS!!!" Catarina's voice could be heard coming from the phone, now on the floor. Her voice was now shrill, full of fear.

Magnus lost his powers of speech. Just for one second. When he found it again, he heard screaming. It wasn't even a voice that was recognizable..or even remotely comprehensible at that moment --

From his own lungs.

"_OH MY GOD... ALEXANDER??!!"_

_Heart about to burst out of his chest, the beats barely imperceptible, and he was this close to passing out ---_

"_ALEXANDER!!! NOOOOOO! _

His eyes zeroed in on that ugly, bleeding gash on Alec's arm, that pool of blood increasing with every minute, every second,

_draining his life away_

_taking Alexander away _from _him --_

_OMG PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE YOU CAN'T_

_YOU CAN'T_

_CAN’T (!)_

_Wild blue flares burst forth from both hands –_

_SO WILD_

_SO FRENZIED_

_the STRONGEST they have ever shot out_

_so much so, that it KNOCKED THE BREATH out of him_

_sending him FLYING BACKWARDS_

_CRASHING INTO (THROUGH?) some wall _

_Magnus didn’t even feel the pain_

_pushing it allllllll ouuuuuut_

_with all his might --_

_PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE!!!_

The first few blasts strike at Alec's arm, at that torn artery, and the rest of the body, and it literally makes his prone body_ TWITCHHH and JUMPPP, as if he had been shocked by electricity --_

_only to come back to resting position, unmoving STILL_

_BLAST after BLAST after BLAST --_

Magnus can't even see what he is doing anymore, his vision is blurring and he's getting weaker 

_He’s not even sure he’s standing anymore_

_but instinct has taken over ---_

_MUST._

_SAVE._

_ALEXANDER --_

_..._

_And then --_

_His vision slipped_

_His eyes flickered _

_his magic flickering_

_Sparse…sparsely still…..slower…_

_…._

_NOW HE FEELS THE PAIN_

_…AND IT IS BLINDINGGGGG_

_…_

_But only for a few seconds…_

...

Blackity, black. Darkness_._

….

**************

The portal opened up in the loft, and Catarina walked out, pulling a still confused Raphael along with her. 

"I still don't understand what's going on, tell me again what we are doing here," Raphael said. 

He had been with Isabelle earlier, when Catarina had suddenly crossed paths with him. 

Isabelle had started attending weekly therapy at a clinic recommended by Catarina, after she had almost relapsed into her yinfen addiction by asking Raphael to bite her during a moment of weakness. 

The sessions had been going well, and Isabelle seemed to emerge stronger every week. 

Raphael was so proud of her. When she had asked him to take her to sessions every week, he had been so touched. He was so glad he could have this with her.

Catarina had not said very much, but her eyes had given her away. They were wide, and even scared. "Magnus needs us," she had said haltingly. It had been on the tip of her tongue to mention Alec as well, but that impulse had waned upon seeing Isabelle. 

No need to concern her right now, she thought. At least not until we know exactly what happened...

"_Papa_?" An uneasy feeling started welling up in his gut upon seeing Catarina and hearing her speak. Raphael had turned to Isabelle, who nodded. 

"It's alright, go with Catarina," she said. "Call me later?" 

Immediately he had drawn Isabelle close, tenderly kissed her on the cheek. "Gracias, mi amor," he murmured gratefully. "Text me when the session's done so you can tell me all about it?"

Isabelle nodded acquiescence, and they had parted ways.

Raphael still hadn't known why Magnus needed him. Catarina had seemed incredibly preoccupied and was speaking really fast.

"He said... The bathroom... Alec was in there by himself... door was locked," Catarina said, almost mumbling. 

She stopped suddenly, and with a flourish, opened up a portal. Without another word, she had pulled him into the portal with her.

And here they were. Magnus's loft.

"Bathroom, Magnus had said Alec was in the bathroom," Catarina stated in an urgent tone. "Come with me."

They made their way down there hallway toward the bathroom.

"Did something happen to Alec?" Raphael asked, an image of Isabelle popping into his head. 

He hoped that wasn't the case -- Isabelle had been tempted by yinfen that last time due to her inadvertent involvement with Alec's last self-harm attempt. She didn't need anything that would possibly cause any sort of backslide.

They arrived at the bathroom. The door was open.

Both Catarina and Raphael gasped as their eyes went straight to the floor. At the shock of floppy dark hair, pale skin, with cut up arms and a flimsy attempt at closing a large vertical gash on Alec's left forearm. There was glass all over the floor, and a pool of coagulated blood beneath his form -- which even made Raphael's insides _curdle_. 

They both knelt down next to Alec and started looking him over, with Catarina using her magic to scan him from head to toe.

Alec, however, seemed to be breathing still, his chest was def rising up and down, but just barely.

His pulse was weak, thread, but _there_. 

She breathed a sigh of relief.

As her hand traveled over the large vertical gash on his arm, she was surprised to find that there had been a nicked artery, which must have caused the blood all over the floor. But then something repaired it, along with the layers of skin, albeit flimsy at best. 

Magnus, she thought, sensing remnants of his magic all around Alec. 

Alec still needed a LOT of work though…he was barely hanging on by a thread...

Well that she could fix. She could transport Alec back to his room and he could heal there, slowly.

But...

_Where was Magnus?_

"Catarina..." Raphael suddenly uttered, in what could be described as a broken tone of voice. "The tub…_papa…_"

Catarina turned and looked where Raphael was looking. 

Her heart _stopped._

More precisely, _her world stopped right then and there._

_"...M-m-m-agnus?" _she uttered, in disbelief, her voice already shaky.

_"OH LILLITH ---!”_

_“NOOOO --!"_

…

*********

_He was floating in nothingness_

_Feeling nothing at all…_

_The area around him felt warm, uncomfortably warm. Trying to open his eyes, he found it extremely hard to do so._

_When he does finally manage to open them, it is blurry and he can’t see much at all. _

_And he’s tired, so tired…_

_his eyes fall shut once again, they are so heavy_

_And he just wants to sleep –_

_Then a voice, the voice that comes during his worst nightmares, starts to speak. Even in this state, he cringes upon hearing it --_

_“Son,” the voice said with unmistaken clarity in a sardonic tone. “You’ve truly disappointed me, my boy. You seriously killed yourself over him?! – a Shadowhunter? Now, now, this won’t do at all! I wanted you to join me down here – ALIVE! – not this way.”_

_A long pause, and then cackling._

_“Ah, I pity them, your friends, their attempts to revive you are ridiculous and pitiful. They can’t know that their efforts are futile. Yet they do seem desperate to see you live. Well – you can’t say I never did anything good for you after this, son ---"_

_Heat suddenly flares up all around him, it’s unbearable ---_

_His eyes fly open again in shock_

_“Tut-tut, off you go – again. Oh, and sorry, son -- but this is going to hurt, A LOT ---”_

_Searing pain engulfs his body as surges rush throughout his veins, and he opens his mouth to scream torturously, but nothing comes out! _

_And then ---_

*********

The voices are hazy, as if in a dream...

He can't make them out too well...

"_I think I should keep him under for a few..."_

_"What was he thinking??"_

_" Of all the things..."_

_“Can’t believe he practically killed himself to save him…”_

_You think they are going to be out yet another day?"_

_"His color looks better today..."_

_"to think I found him like that..."_

_"... he almost died... My heart almost stopped when I saw him. He was as pale as death..."_

...

"..._stupid stupid idiota..."_

A too-familiar, annoying voice breaks through to him.

"... don't call me that..." Magnus muttered.

"Magnus...," a low, concerned voice murmurs.

_WHAT_

Magnus cracked open his eyes.

And nearly JUMPED in fright as a tearful Catarina -- and the snarky face he knows too well -- Raphael -- are both looking at him, just inches away from his face. 

"Egad!" he yelled, bolting straight up to a sitting position. He looked around frantically. He was lying on the Queen Anne loveseat in the living room. 

In the loft.

He breathed a sigh of relief at that.

Then everything came back to him.

_Alec. On the floor. Pool of blood. Slices on forearms. Glass used for cutting_

_Nasty gash down arm, the nicking of an artery._

_Suicide attempt. Lifeless…_

He suddenly felt sick to his stomach. His body pitched forward without warning.

"Move, Raphael!" Catarina said hastily. 

Vampire speed moved Raphael out of the way just in time, before Magnus projectile vomited, gastric juices and bile, on the floor -- in the spot that Raphael had just been standing at.

When Magnus finally had nothing left, and was retching and feeling like death, he looked up, exhausted -- at one very concerned face, and one perpetually annoyed face.

"Are we done here?" Raph stated, a bored look on his face.

Magnus and Catarina both knew better though.

Raphael was scared out of his wits. 

So much so, he was using sarcasm to mask it. 

Magnus knew this, from his long time friendship with him. 

Catarina had seen his fear firsthand – when they had come to the loft, he had been the one to first spot Magnus, practically wedged into the bathroom wall on the far end of the tub, his skin almost blueish, he was still, too still, and his cat eyes open but blank -- faded to a pale gold and flickering. It had been evident he had used way too much magic. 

Once Raphael had gone past being frozen from initial shock, Raphael had ended up on his knees, inconsolable...

Not that anyone was going to tell Magnus how Raphael had reacted.

Anyway, Magnus had more pressing issues at hand.

When he could finally speak, he croaked out, "Alexander..." in an anguished voice. His eyes filled with tears.

Catarina looked at him with empathy. "Alec's resting, healing in the bedroom, I had to put him in an induced coma while healing him bit by bit –"

Magnus started talking quickly, just then, as if he had not heard what Catarina had said.

“Alexander’s okay? So I didn’t lose him?” he babbled, almost to himself. “Lillith, I tried, though. So, so, so very hard…I’m still soo tired…”

His voice faded toward the end.

A tear rolled down his cheek.

“Alec is going to be okay, Magnus,” Catarina said gently.

Magnus sagged in relief.

"You, on the other hand," Catarina began, her demeanor changing abruptly, becoming stern -- and the tone of voice made Magnus look up questioningly, blinking twice at the two parties in front of him.

"Magnus, we were this close to losing you," Catarina said, her voice threatening to break.

"When we found the both of you, Alec was unconscious. We were not sure what had happened. That’s when we spotted you wedged in the wall by the tub. Your eyes were still open but blank in shock, as if a blast had sent you flying backwards into it. The evidence of you expending too much magic, and the fact Alec had remnants of your magic on his wounds pretty much clued us in on what happened. You used your magic to repair the nick in the artery and close the wound with the blast of magic, AND you restarted his heart with electric impulses. So he was unconscious, but breathing shallowly when we found him. His pulse was weak.”

Catarina paused, and then took a deep breath.

“You were _drained_,” she stated, her eyes intently on Magnus, “You of all warlocks should have known this. Drained to the point where you didn’t even close your eyes, they were just open, blank, and faded. Barely any gold was there, and they were flickering, badly. Your heart beat was also barely there. We thought you were _dead. _We restarted your heart – and then we had to repeat that a few times during the night as you would decompensate due to your low levels. Raphael and I stayed up all night, paying vigil by your side.”

Magnus’s eyes had widened in disbelief. But there was no mistaking Catarina’s shaky voice, or that her hands were currently trembling as she described what had been at the scene.

“Throughout all of this, I was infusing both you and Alec with healing magic,” she continued brokenly. And even after all of that -- up until right now, Alec still held a much better chance of making it – him being stable -- than you."

It was apparent that it had been very difficult for her to say those last words.

Her voice cracked, and tears rolled down her cheek.

"Please never do that again," Raphael suddenly interjected in a small voice, a total 180 from his prior sarcastic tone. "I couldn't bear to lose you, papa…" 

He couldn’t finish his sentence. He turned away.

Magnus felt so guilty.

"I'm sorry, Raph. I'm sorry for scaring you," he whispered, his voice full of regret.

“I’m so sorry,” he said softly to both Catarina and Raphael. “I’m sorry I was not more careful with Alexander. I should have been able to prevent this…

He looked despondently at the floor.

Suddenly there was rapid series of knocks on the door.

“Magnus! Magnus!” an anxious voice yelled out urgently.

_Jace,_ Magnus thought, as memory of their last few encounters filtered into his still confused brain. _Oh boy._

He still had to let him in, though…

“Jace? Jace Herondale?” Catarina asked, confused. “What would he be doing here?”

“Alec,” Magnus said. “That’s his parabatai.”

“Shadowhunters,” Raphael scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Connected at the hip.”

“Manners,” Magnus stated, putting a finger to his own lips, directed at Raphael. Raphael just wrinkled his nose and brooded.

“Enter,” Magnus said.

A harried, disjointedly looking Jace ran into the loft, looking left and right repeatedly.

“Where’s Alec?” he gasped. “Look, I know I’m not supposed to be here, especially since Alec needed time, and asked me to leave last time…”

Jace paused a moment to run his fingers through his blond hair. He looked nervous.

“…but I’ve really been getting these odd vibes, and there was even a series of sharp pains that kept coming and going – almost like electrical shocks – through the rune. I had no idea what they were, and –”

Jace paused, now really focused on Magnus for the very first time since he had entered. He let out a low whistle. 

“Uh, no offense, but you look like crap,” he said bluntly.

Magnus, his brain still fried, couldn’t even muster his usual sardonic look or to formulate a comeback. 

“It’s been quite the day,” he muttered.

He noticed that Jace had not stopped looking at him.

“Sorry to be rude, Magnus – but your eyes look different today. Even with your warlock mark visible, they aren’t as gold as they usually are,” Jace stated.

Why, of course, Magnus thought. He had completely forgotten that he had still been too weak to conjure up his brown eyed glamour. Not to mention that the color of his eyes were dimmed as a result of this reduced capacity.

“Magnus has been through a lot,” Catarina interjected, stepping in front of Magnus in a protective manner. While she had not been clear on what exactly transpired between Magnus and Jace, there was undeniable tension between them.

She turned her gaze onto Jace. “In fact, it does involve Alec,” she said. “Alec tried to kill himself two days ago.”

Jace paled visibly. “What?” he gasped. _Not again…_

He quickly turned to Magnus, who flinched. His eyes narrowed.

“Thanks to Magnus’s quick reaction, he actually saved Alec, and also repaired his injuries,” Catarina stated. 

Jace stared at her. “Really?” he asked.

Catarina nodded.

“Those electric shocks you felt, I suspect those came from Magnus exerting his magic to the point where they were acting like a defibrillator and shocking his heart,” she said matter-of-factly. “He also managed to repair an artery that Alec had nicked…” 

At Jace’s shocked expression, Catarina pulled back from the harshness of her words. Poor Jace, she thought. This couldn’t be easy for him to hear…

“Most likely Alec had done that by accident,” she continued in a gentler tone. “Once cutters get into a pattern, a zone, it is often hard for them to discern what they are doing anymore – they concentrate more on how it makes them feel. Alec probably used to cut to gain control and feel better, right? Well most likely, this accident occurred because he was feeling too good, and too detached from current reality, and then he hit an artery.”

“But, in doing so, Magnus –” she said, pausing to look at Magnus, who was just sitting there, looking pale and still a bit lost – and still slightly cringing at the presence of Jace being in the same room as him, “Magnus overexerted his magic and he short-circuited, nearly flaming out – almost like how an outlet would behave if there is too much demand for power at one site. It took two days to revive him,” Catarina stated. “It was a close call. Almost too close…”

Jace looked at Catarina blankly. This was way too much to process. Despite that, he knew in his heart it was true. One only needed to glance at Magnus to see what he had been through. 

Magnus was definitely far from being okay.

“Can I see Alec?” Jace whispered.

Catarina nodded. “He’s unconscious but stable. He’s in the bedroom. Magnus, you should be in the room with Alec,” she stated. “He needs you as well.”

Jace nodded. “Of course. C’mon, Magnus, let’s go.” 

As Magnus hesitantly moved to walk beside Jace, he put his arm on his shoulder.

“Thank you for saving Alec. It sounds like if you weren’t here, he might not be here with us right now,” Jace said earnestly.

Magnus blinked. He was slightly disoriented, and not exactly sure what to make of the cordial way Jace was acting toward him.

“Do you need help walking? You seem like you are about to drop,” Jace said, observing him intently.

“Actually, I could use some help,” Magnus admitted. He was so, so tired still. 

Without a word, Jace moved to hold Magnus under both arms. “Is this good?” he asked, shifting so he had the best grip to support Magnus.

Magnus nodded. “Thanks, Jace,” he said, gratefully.

Jace nodded. “Just be there for Alec, and bring him back to us,” he said.

“I’ll do whatever it takes,” Magnus swore.

…..

“There he is,” Catarina said gently, as the three of them stood by the doorway of Alec's room.

Jace inhaled sharply upon seeing his parabatai in such a state.

Alec was lying on his bed, his eyes closed and skin sweaty and very pale. He was still, so very still except for an occasional flutter of eyelashes and the rising and falling of his chest. 

Both Jace and Magnus stepped into the room and knelt by the bedside, examining Alec.

Upon closer inspection, Magnus did notice that Alec looked significantly better than he had when he had first found him that afternoon. There was slightly more color to his cheeks now, but his lips still held the tiniest hint of blue.

What was remarkable was the golden aura that surrounded Alec. That was the work of Catarina, placing Alec in an induced coma so that his body could rest as Catarina slowly healed him.

“Thank you for doing that,” Magnus stated. “Alec really needs to rest.”

Next to him, he heard Jace gasp. 

“His arms,” Jace whispered in shock.

He had not been prepared to see his parabatai’s arms all cut up in that fashion -- with haphazard slices on both forearms, and then that long, uneven jagged cut down the side on the left.

“What did you do to yourself, Alec?” Jace whispered. He had no idea that the situation had gotten that ugly.

Magnus decided to speak up. 

“He wasn’t sleeping very well the last three days also. He was having nightmares. But refused to talk to me about them. He refused to talk to Catarina also,” Magnus said.

He closed his eyes then. “In fact, I was on the phone talking to Catarina about Alec, and how we should start sessions, when Alec overhead, got angry and stomped away, saying he needed to take a shower,” Magnus said haltingly. “Next thing I knew, half an hour had gone by, I realized the shower was still running, he wasn’t answering the door, and then I had to blast the door away. By that time, he was already lying in a pool of blood, with shards of glass around him.”

Magnus choked on the last few words. He closed his eyes in anguish, reliving the horrible memory.

Jace had been listening intently to everything that was said. His face had paled considerably.

“Damn,” he thought.

Catarina had already gone over to Magnus, placing her arms over his shoulders and giving him a hug. 

"That must have been so traumatizing for you," she murmured. "My poor Magnus..."

"You have no idea," Magnus whispered, his head buried in Catarina's shoulder.

"Don't stress yourself out too much. You're still weak. Remember you almost died also. We almost lost you," she whispered.

Meanwhile, Raphael had also walked toward Alec's room, and was now in the doorway observing them. 

His mind was flummoxed, as thoughts of Magnus almost dying, and then Isabelle entered his head. How was Isabelle going to take the news -- that both her brother as well as his boyfriend -- a very good friend of hers -- had both almost died? 

His gaze fell upon Alec's badly torn up arms. Who would voluntarily do that to themselves?

Deep in the recesses of his mind, he again recalled the time when he had voluntarily flung himself into a patch of sun, after not being able to live with himself for all his acts against the Church as a vampire fledging. How Magnus had saved him.

So...Alec had felt that d_esperate _that he had wanted to kill himself, just like he had? 

Even with the support system around him, Alec still ended up in this place? But how?

Raphael realized there was a lot he still needed to learn about the Mundane condition. It was so puzzling to him. In his situation, of course he had been taken against his will and turned, and cursed to commit unholy acts that went against his former beliefs and religion – thus that had been damning enough for him to want to end his own life.

But to hurt oneself to experience…peace of mind? To feel normal? That was far more complex, and horrible to think of. He would never wish that upon his worst enemy…

_Bzzz_! Raphael’s phone buzzed, breaking into his thoughts.

Raphael looked down at his phone. It was a text from Isabelle.

Isabelle: “Hey, I’m done with therapy. How are you doing? Are you able to meet me up?” 

Raphael turned to Magnus. “How are you feeling papa? Izzy just texted, asking if I could meet her at the clinic. But I can tell her to go on back, if you still need me,” he said.

Magnus gave Raphael a small smile. “Go. I think I will be okay. Besides, Cat’s here,” he said softly. “Thank you for being here for me, though.”

Raphael nodded.

He texted Izzy back, “Wait right there, just give me a few. Grab a bite after?”

Izzy: “Sure 😊.”

Raphael put his phone back into his jacket pocket, and turned to leave.

Just then he heard Jace say, “I think I should get going as well, there’s a lot of things at the Institute I need to sort out. I trust Alec is safe with the both of you?” Then, “Hold up, Raphael.”

Raphael was already by the loft doors. Surprised to hear Jace address him, he turned around, as Jace strode toward him. 

He held the door open for him. “Thanks,” Jace said in a sincere tone.

Raphael nodded again. “No problem,” he said.

They both fell silent as they waited for the elevator to come. 

The elevator eventually arrived, and Raphael and Jace both stepped into the elevator. As the door closed, Raphael’s mind was still trying to make sense of all the things that happened today…

"You're going to meet up with Izzy huh," Jace stated. "She's at her therapy session now? Izzy told me she goes weekly."

Was Jace attempting to make conversation with Raphael? Raphael was dumbfounded. Usually they barely had anything to say to each other. While he was sure that Jace was not fully aware of the yin fen situation, there still hadn’t been an occasion where it was necessary to even speak with him…

"Yea..." Raphael said hesitantly. "She started going about 3 weeks ago. She was going through a lot. I was finally able to talk her into going. She agreed on the condition that I take her to sessions, for moral support."

"I’m glad she decided to take this up. Hopefully it will help her. Thank you for being there for her," Jace said sincerely.

Raphael was definitely taken aback. He was not used to this from Jace. This thing with Alec must have taken its toll on him...

"How about you?" Raphael asked. "Are you going to be okay?"

Jace exhaled slowly. " I'll be okay, if I know Alec is okay," he said. "But...that won't be for a long while yet. At least now I think I can be confident that Magnus and Catarina will be there for him."

Raphael nodded. "That they will," he agreed.

Then Raphael thought of something. “So, are you planning on telling Isabelle what happened today?” he asked.

“I-I’m not sure,” Jace said slowly. “Given everything that she has gone through, it might set her back – I know she blames herself for the last time this happened with Alec. If she heard about this I don’t think she would react well at all.”

“Maybe not right now, right?” Raphael asked. “Maybe when Alec is conscious again, or even a few months down the line. I think Catarina was talking about Magnus and Alec both starting some sort of therapy soon.”

“Oh, yea?” Jace asked. “That sounds like it would help, a lot.”

“Let’s hope so,” Raphael said. “They have a lot to work out.”

______________________

Magnus shut his eyes, as Catarina walked over to Alec, who was lying on the bed. Her hand hovered over Alec, moving it slowly from head to toe as golden sparks flew from her hands onto Alec’s still form.

“He’s stable,” murmurs Catarina. “Look, his breathing is calmer now than before. And look, the tear isn’t so bad. It is scarring well. I just need to give it a little more time, and then heal him again, and the scar should effectively disappear before days’ end. Look, in the time that we were here, the more superficial cuts have all healed already. Nephilim skin is sure resilient.”

Magnus opened his eyes long enough to look at Alec’s arm, where the jagged tear had been. Magnus’s initial and quick thinking action – that blast of magic – had repaired the artery, along with a superficial but temporary gluing of the wound so it would not bleed out, or risk the area open to infection. 

What Catarina had contributed, was a more effective closing of the wound, effectively sealing all layers of the skin into place. 

The scar didn’t even look that bad – unlike Magnus’s scars when he had carved Alec’s name into his forearm. Those were darkened and definitely clotted, but could still be easily torn if snagged a

He hugged himself as he looked down at his bare arms; while he was unconscious, they had taken off his long sleeve button-down, leaving him in his tank top. The scar – the lettering spelling “ALEC” was visible.

Even though he wasn’t cold at the present time, he shivered.

From time to time, Catarina would glance at his arm with concern. 

He noticed her doing it again now.

He had still refused Catarina’s many request to heal that area completely. He wanted it as a reminder for the rest of his life.

Catarina had nodded. “Okay, Magnus. If that’s what you want,” she had said softly. 

She motioned for Magnus to come closer to her. He did. She leaned in to give him a hug. He accepted it gratefully.

She pulled away and looked directly at Magnus.

Magnus resisted the urge to look away. Whenever Catarina would look at him like this, he always felt like she looked directly into the very depths of his soul – that she could tell what he was thinking.

Hence the power of being friends for eons. The power of being someone who cared for you – that much.

“Magnus,” she said gently, seeing her friend barely able to maintain his composure. It was about to break her heart. But she needed to be a calming soothing presence, for him.

“I know the day may seem like it will never come. But it will. There will be a time when you need to forgive yourself, for all of that. Just like you will come to see that you don’t need to blame yourself for this. For any of this. No matter how dire the situation, this isn’t on you. Alec did not want the sessions to begin. He made a conscious choice. Just like he made a conscious choice to hurt himself, yet again.”

Magnus blinked back sudden tears at her words. “And…there was nothing I could have done, to prevent this? But I was here. How could I have not foreseen this?” he asked, his voice shaky.

Then he remembered something.

“But wait…there’s something you don’t know,” he confessed. 

Catarina looked up questioningly.

“About two weeks ago, Alec had come to me. He had started cutting again. It shocked me,” he said.

Catarina tried to retain her composure. “He was?? Weren’t you keeping all sharp objects away from him?” she asked.

“I did!” Magnus protested. “I took away everything – in the kitchen, in the bathroom, anything around the loft that was an obvious sharp edge or could be used as a tool. Everything I could think of. He had stolen a plastic knife from the hospital – you and I must have missed that. He had 5 cuts on the inner part of both wrists. I almost lost it. But then he gave me the plastic knife and he told me he wouldn’t do it anymore. He begged for me not to tell you. I’m sorry I listened to him. I am so sorry, Catarina. This is all my fault.”

He hung his head, feeling awful.

Catarina shook her head.

“Alec is fighting multiple demons within himself. The reason I haven’t pushed anything onto him earlier was because I was trying to give him the space to decide to come to me. But obviously he didn’t. And it cost him. The cutting you described was a coping mechanism, and not a good one at all, but he did eventually come to you. The rest of all of this…well I think it is beyond what either of you can accomplish on your own. After all, you seem to have some underlying issues as well – not to mention that you nearly killed yourself during your desperate attempt to save him. We will have to talk more in depth about all of this at some point. For both your sakes.”

Catarina’s eyes were serious, and Magnus swallowed hard. He went over to the bed and sat down gently next to Alec. He looked down at Alec’s resting form. His eyes were closed, and his chest was rising and falling evenly with every breath. Yet Alec looked anything but at peace. His face was still incredibly pale, his lips barely pink and he was sweating. 

This was hardly the picture of health – physical or mental. He remembered the nightmares, the abnormal sleep schedule, the personality changes…

Alec needed_ real_ help. This time, Magnus would not allow Alec to push it off again.

“I agree,” he said finally.

****

Alec suddenly moaned. It sounded so painful and desperate, that Magnus snapped to attention.

Hmm he must have dazed out, while sitting here. He looked at his phone; it had been twenty minutes since Catarina had examined him.

Cautiously he moved closer to Alec, anxiously looking over his face and body.

Alec moaned again.

“Magnus…” 

Although the tone of course was guttural and very low, there was no mistaken what Magnus had heard. His eyes widened.

“Alexander,” Magnus whispered.

His eyes filled with tears.

“You should comfort him,” a familiar voice behind Magnus suddenly said. 

Magnus turned around. Catarina. She was looking intently at him from the doorway, her eyes soft.

“Whether he knows it or not, he’s asking for you,” Catarina said gently.

“But maybe he doesn’t realize he’s doing that,” Magnus said, feeling all sorts of confused.

“Perhaps,” Catarina agreed. “But…on some level, he must seek you out for comfort, whether he was showing it outwardly or not. I think you should just base it on intuition right now. He needs some sort of comfort in his state right now. And I believe what he needs, is you.”

Magnus looked at her as she said those words. Then he looked over at Alec.

Did Alec need him? _Did he?_

Magnus’s glamour dropped, as something tugged at his heart. Alec looked so helpless. 

He did want to help.

“Okay,” he whispered. 

He shifted further on the bed, hesitating for one second before lifting Alec’s head and neck. Then he shifted so that now Alec’s head was resting in his lap.

Alec stopped moaning, and turned his head inward, as if trying to find a secure spot to nest in Magnus’s lap. Then Alec’s whole body seemed to relax, as if he knew he had found his safe space.

Even if unintentional, that small movement threatened to move Magnus to tears.

_Oh, Alexander…_

He looked up at Catarina, who smiled widely at him, her own eyes shining.

**************

An hour passed.

Or was it two, three? 

It was hard to tell, as Magnus had been dozing off here and there, definitely due to sleep deprivation and the trauma he had undergone over the past few days.

His attention immediately went to Alec, whose head was cradled in his lap, his hair and head sweaty. Magnus gently ran his ringed fingers through his hair, untangling the knots, feeling Alec’s slow, even breaths. He listened intently at the sounds floating through the loft – there was the clinking of bottles and pots, most likely from the apothecary. That must be Catarina, measuring and mixing potions -- something warm and healing to give Alec to drink once he became conscious again. 

Magnus's mind started to wander aimlessly as he looked out blankly in front of him, thinking nothing at all. 

This song somehow made its way into his mind. 

But instead of the happiness it supposedly implied, now there was a more ominous tone to it.

_I waited so long  
For something sweet like this  
It's where I belong  
Beside you in blinding bliss_

_I'm living in a daydream  
Nothing that could faze me now  
I'm caught up in a daydream  
Nothing that could wake me now_

Magnus, his eyes still blank and unreadable, took a deep breath…

As his heart slowly tore and bled.


	16. Truths Can Set You Free, or They Can Break A Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the end of eventful realities, and sobering realizations, things take a turn...

MOOD: SYML – Where’s My Love

“_don’t you know, we bleed the same…”_

_Alec was floating._

_Floating_

_Amidst some crazy white haze_

_Looking down, he was already beyond far removed_

_From that pitiful form of a mortal body_

_Several feet below him_

_Ugly, twisted, and pale, with that one arm beyond repair_

_What a waste, to voluntarily seek release so soon._

_…._

_…._

_It was slowly getting harder to see the rest_

_Only a burned retina image of gold cat eyes in the back of his mind_

_As his world started fading to black._

_And then his eyes fell closed…_

_For the last time…_

_And then his body sighed, a great, big heavy sigh_

_Freed from the bindings of life_

_Then the freefall began --_

Falling –

He’s falling.

Through a vacuum, hurtling through

No sense of time or space, just a starless space

No awareness or hope.

Devoid of hope.

So dark he can’t see anything.

He only knew he was falling, fast and without end..

In fact, all he can see now is the burned image of cat eyes in the back of his mind

_Like some faded memory. _

In fact all his memories were starting to go away now…

The people whom he loves –

_Maryse, his mother._

_Jace, his parabatai,_

_Isabelle, his sister,_

_Max, his little brother,_

_Underhill, his friend. _

_Magnus…._

_MAGNUS_, his heart_…_

Then a blinding white light surrounded him

Beckoning, beckoning him

And now he found himself falling toward this --

As a sense of peace started to overcome him…he becomes drowsy, drowsier…

_…It would be all too easy to just give up_

_Let go, Alec._

_Let go, you’re suffered enough. Hurt enough_

_You’ve suffered enough, that the angels weep for you_

_They want you to reclaim your birthright_

_As a child of the Angels, it’s time to come home._

  
_It’s time to rest._

_Time to accept_

_Fall, now…_

_Fall toward the white light_

_Embrace eternal peace…._

_This is it_

_This is –_

_ ZZZZZZZ!_

_ ZZZZZZZ!_

_ZZZZZZZ!_

_ZZZZZZZ!_

_(sudden blue WAVES alternately electrify and surround, hugging almost too tightly, then become the most incredibly tingly feelings one could ever feel)_

_LOVE._

_TRUST._

_ HOPE._

_WANT._

_FOREVER._

_LIFE…_

_…_

_LIFE._

_(then blue waves then abruptly SHUT OFF – like an electrical short –_

_And then there was nothing._

_…._

_WHOA._

_Okay, what the fuck was that._

_Wait, so I’m not dead? I was supposed to go to the happy place!_

_But, wait, I can’t open my eyes. I..can’t._

_I want to, but I can’t ---_

_So am I alive?_

_Or am I dead?_

_And wait…_

_MAGNUS._

_Those zaps – it felt like Magnus!! _

_But, that was way, waaaaay too much_

_He used way too much!_

_He couldn’t possibly have done that and remained intact ---_

_Or alive?!_

_?!!!!!_

_PLEASE PLEASE NOOOOOO_

_NOOOOOOO…_

…. 

_(internal screaming in horror for an indefinite amount of time)_

…. 

….

_…ugh. But I’m so tired now. _

_So tired…_

_  
I’m not worth it_

_Not worth your own life_

_I have never been worth THIS_

_Never…_

_Not worth it…_

_…_

_Wait, here comes another surge…_

_But it’s different._

_Cooling, calming…_

_Like floating on air…_

_Like sleeping on clouds…_

_Hmm this is peaceful too_

_And I’m – happy…_

_…_

_Maybe I don’t’ necessarily need death to achieve this_

_…_

_…_

_Maybe I do want to live --!!_

_…_

_For my mother_

_For my parabatai_

_For my sister_

_For my brother_

_For my friend_

_…For Magnus._

_Even, for Magnus…_

_….._

_….._

I’m still so, so very sleepy though

But…

Maybe I don’t need to wake up yet

Just as long I know I want --

No, _that I am determined to want_

To live.

_…For them_

….

…

And maybe, just maybe --

Hopefully

Eventually

_Someday --_

_I will want to live…_

…

_For me._

_…_

*****

_Mood: Depeche Mode: Agent Orange _

Alec’s eyes slowly fluttered open. He still felt so disoriented.

Where was he right now?

A zillion thoughts, of being in that void, then everything after that, fill his mind. What WAS that? Had that been for real? Or just brain cells hallucinating as they reached the point of death? He’s heard that sometimes the brain might play tricks as they die out…

But no, he was obviously not dead. In fact, he found himself in his bed. In the spare room of the loft, in fact.

That someone had taken time and care enough, to tuck in the blankets under his feet, and around him, the way he loves having it done. 

The way Magnus would if Alec had fallen asleep before he did…

_Magnus._

So he was okay then? 

So he was alive? 

Not being able to erase those crazy thoughts from his head and the horrible thoughts of Magnus possibly using too much magic on him, he managed to raise his head, which felt like a thousand weights laid upon his neck, about to call out to someone, anyone who might be in the loft right now...

“Alec.” It was a soft female voice. Catarina.

She was standing in the doorway of his room. _What was she doing here?_

He tried to speak, but his throat was too dry. He somehow managed a soft noise. 

Wow, he had not realized how dry his throat was. “Water,” he rasped.

Catarina nodded, as she quickly went to the bedside, and got the glass of water.

Her eyes were empathetic, not pitying. “You will need to sit up, hun,” she said softly. “Do you need help?”

Alec attempted to sit up, but found he grew tired quickly. “Maybe just a little,” he said awkwardly. Wow he was sweating from such little effort. This had never happened before. He felt so defeated.

Catarina seemed to know what he was thinking. “Alec,” she said softly. “You’ve been through a lot. You can’t expect to come back 100%, not for awhile. You weren’t even at 100% when you first left the hospital.” She stuck out her hand to him.

Alec took it, and allowed Catarina to pull him to a seated position in bed. Then she reached behind him to place two pillows behind his back. “There,” she said. Then she handed him the water.

He tipped the glass to his hips and drank. The cold water felt so good going down his throat. Soon he had finished the whole glass of water.

Catarina nodded. “That must have felt good,” she observed.

Alec nodded. He looked at his hands, which were folded in his lap. Then he remembered this arm. The arm he had torn. He looked on his left, quickly. 

Absent of any pain, he had almost forgotten what he had done. By accident, if his groggy mind had been correct, but right, he had torn his left arm pretty badly with that shard of glass…

The wound was barely noticeable, with only a slight scar.

He looked up to see Catarina looking at him sympathetically.

“Yea, that was pretty bad, Alec,” she said. “But we were able to heal it, including repairing the artery. But you were very, very lucky. By the time I got here, it looked like you had bled out very badly. But at least the artery, which had been nicked, had been repaired, even if the skin had not. If that artery had continued to bleed out, you would certainly not be here with us today.”

Alec’s brain honed in on one word. “We?” he asked blankly.

“Me and Raphael,” Catarina continued. “I brought him with me, for Magnus.”

Magnus…The jumbled memories of sensations flew through Alec’s head again.

“Magnus,” Alec said slowly. His heart sank as Catarina winced. Ringing started through his ears, and spots in front of his eyes. He felt he was wading through a fog, as he managed his next words.

“How…is Magnus?” he uttered. His tongue suddenly felt too large for his mouth, and his heart was pounding like crazy.

Catarina wouldn’t look at him. “He’s resting,” she said quietly. 

Alec sighed, feeling relieved.

But Catarina had not finished speaking. “He collapsed, shortly after he had come in to see you. He was sitting on the bed, with your head in his lap. I thought he was doing alright. But I was wrong. He was still too weak. I had to place him under. He’s in his bedroom right now, surrounded by my magic.”

“He’s been through a lot. He found you, you know…” Catarina’s voice trailed off.

Alec shut his eyes in anguish. By the Angel, don’t say all those sensations were real…

But he had to know.

“Saving me…it was him, wasn’t it. And he used too much magic, right??” he whispered.

Catarina looked at him in shock. “He did, but how did you know?” she asked. 

Alec shut his eyes in anguish.

Catarina had started talking again, even though Alec had not answered her question.

“In fact, his heart stopped several times the night after saving you. He was in seriously bad shape. He regained consciousness,” she said gently. “But it was too soon, and then he…”

Catarina sighed. “Anyway, it will be a few days before he is back on his feet,” she said finally.

Alec just looked at her, the words escaping him_. He felt so horrible right now…_

She sighed, then a smile crept onto her face. “Well at least once he wakes up, he will be happy to see you,” she said. “He was beyond hysterical to discover you on the floor in the bathroom – I could hear it from the phone. I don’t even think it registered how much magic he was wielding. His magic is based on emotion. You could probably imagine how that went…”

Catarina winced again.

Alec looked at her in alarm.

“Sorry,” she apologized. “I could almost imagine how he reacted upon seeing you, and how instantaneously his magic reacted. It probably pulled everything from him, including his lifeforce.”

She shuddered. “Imagining how your friend dies, it’s not the most pleasant thing to experience,” she said curtly.

Alec shuddered.

“I felt it,” he said slowly, with utmost certainty. After listening to Catarina describe it, he was sure he had.

“What are you talking about?” Catarina asked, curiously.

“When I had passed out after cutting my arm,” Alec said. Catarina’s eyes widened.

“First I was in darkness – blinded and falling through a vacuum that just never seemed to end…Then there was this flash of white light, and it was like I was being summoned by some forces older than the beginning of time. Memories were being tugged at, and pulled away from me one by one…until the blue waves of lights came. And then it all stopped – I was being zapped with electrical currents, again and again, _– so strong,_ my whole body shuddered. Then it wrapped around me like a warm fluffy blanket – and _it felt like love_ \--until I felt the magic envelop me entirely, _heart and soul_. And then I suddenly had conscious thought again.”

Catarina’s eyes widened as Alec relived his experience.

“But then in the next minute, the warmth and the blue waves of light just _shut off_ – as if something had snuffed it out. And then there was nothing – just this cold, stark, empty nothing. I couldn’t feel that love, that security anymore. And then I just started internally screaming, screaming my soul out – like the horror of it all would never end….”

By this time, tears had started slipping past Alec’s eyes, spilling down his cheeks.

He had screamed – until his own voice gave out…then the screaming continued inside his head, inside that vacuum, _with no sense of place or time…_

He turned to Catarina, who was now mirroring his own tears.

“That’s when he died, wasn’t it,” he stated quietly, his voice breaking toward the end. “The very essence of his soul was snuffed out…”

Catarina closed her eyes and exhaled shakily.

“He loves you so much Alec. He never stopped,” she said after a while, her voice barely a whisper, trying to contain her emotions. “There’s so much that has happened between you two that may or may not be insurmountable, challenges that you need to navigate if anything is remotely going to get back to any sort of semblance of what you guys had.”

She paused, as it to catch her breath, or to catch her thoughts.

And then she continued again. 

“In fact, perhaps he even loved you too much," she said quietly. "The thing about Magnus, is that sometimes his actions – as well-intended as he thinks they are, or even selfless, especially if he decides to give up something because he thinks the other person deserved better – well they really just end up hurting him, as well as the one he loved=s the most. And then he ends up punishing himself, to the point where all reason goes out the window. And he would continue to punish himself forever, in the worst of ways.”

Alec was speechless, as he tried to take in all of Catarina’s words.

“H-He never stopped loving me? he asked, astounded. _BUT…BUT…_

_HE SENT ME AWAY!_

_AND THEN ---_

_…THEN…_

Alec forced himself to pull back mentally, as to keep himself from being sucked back into that darkness.

A vortex all too consuming. Seeking to claim him, until it bled through his veins, his eyes, and to _steal his breath_

To steal all hope, until hope was gone –

So far gone that it had rendered him detached and indifferent to everything around him and the things and people he loved –

And then in a _weak_ moment, it descended, nearly _stealing his life_…,

He blinked, coming back to reality. Catarina was looking at him empathetically, tinged with pity.

He didn’t want to see that. Pity…

“Alec?” she asked hesitantly. 

Alec took a step back._ “Don’t,_ just don’t,” he blurted out, holding out his hand.

Catarina didn’t move any further. Alec took a deep breath.

His thoughts went back to what he had nearly let happen…

The shards of glass on the bathroom…the smooth sharpness of the edges…

The feel of it dragging against his skin…

_He craved it._

He was trying _not _to.

_That had been close. Too close._

He tightly clenched his hands into fists at his sides as he gritted his teeth in agony, so hard that his fingernails were digging deep into the soft flesh of the palm, trying to keep from _screaming._

_HE SENT YOU AWAY ---_

Flashes of those few weeks while in captivity ran through his mind like some twisted nightmare ---

_NOTHING WOULD EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. _

_EVER...._

He shut his eyes, attempting to quell the swelling of resentment and tears threatening to build up within him. The weeks he endured while lost, then what he had _just_ endured...

There was no way that he could _ever_ have that time back again. Or his old self again...

_It had been taken from him._

_"_Alec." Catarina's soft yet firm voice broke through to him.

The strong storm of emotions reflected in Catarina’s eyes took his breath away.

_WARMTH._

_BLUE._

_CALM._

_LOVE..._

_…_

Love.

With all his might, Alec attempted to push away the thoughts of betrayal, of resentment, of time and a life stolen.

And tried to focus again, on what could be _salvaged._

"Tell me again," he said, his voice barely coming out as a whisper. "Tell me again, about how he loves me.” 

“_Please." _

Alec’s voice had cracked at the end, as if he needed something to cling to.

_Something in which he could believe ---_

Catarina sensed the longing, yet coupled with the doubt and memories of betrayal – along with the absolute resignation of his request.

Oh Alec, she thought, her heart going out to the young man. She put her hand over his, in a gesture of comfort.

Like nothing I’ve ever seen before from him,” she said. “I’m not surprised that he’d die for you. And it was even like, even if he had not consciously known of this already, that his subconscious and emotional self – which ultimately controls the flow of magic – knew what it had to do. And it overcame any rationality in the brain -- in order to do what it needed to do."

The utmost certainty in Catarina's word caused Alec to shiver. Something in Magnus's soul, or his magic, was already hardwired to protect him. At all costs -- even at the risk of his own life.

Was it out of love?

Or whatever this was now? 

Had it been borne out of guilt for what he did, and what inadvertently occurred as a result?

..._was he – Alec -- even worth that much consideration? _Even after all of that?

Was he worthy? Even as_ soiled_ as he was now? Did Magnus even want him?

He wasn't sure he could answer those questions.

Alec's head was spinning. He said the first thing that came to mind.

"Can I see him?" Alec blurted out.

Catarina turned to him, her eyes shining.

"You didn't even need to ask," Catarina said. “Come with me.”

_***********_

_24 hours ago_

Magnus was... still not quite right. He could feel it.

Otherwise _why_ would Catarina have placed him under ---

She hadn’t even told him she was going to do it. He just felt really dizzy and tired of a sudden, and told her that he was just going to close his eyes for a bit while sitting here with Alec’s head in his lap.

“If I should fall asleep, and if Alec wakes up, --” he started to say, before his voice broke and trembled toward the end.

“You mean,” Catarina had corrected him gently, “_When_ he wakes up...You will tell him yourself. You need to rest, and desperately so. I'm so happy that you woke up, from all of that. But you are still incredibly weak. And that's not a good thing. You needed about two more days.”

“Well, I didn’t,” Magnus retorted. “I woke up, and that’s that. I’m ready. I’m sure I can replenish myself, given some time.”

Catarina didn’t seem convinced. This was no time for Magnus to argue. But he wasn’t letting up. And it was difficult to argue with Magnus when he got into moods like this….

“Anyway,” Catarina said, trying to diffuse the current tension in the room, “I’m currently boiling water for tea in the kitchen.”

Ah that was just like Catarina to do things the Mundane way…

”I’ll bring you a cup. In the meantime, continue to rest. Do exactly what you are doing right now. It seems to be helping Alec. But do not overexert yourself. Got it?”

He knew she was right -- as much as he hated to admit it to himself. He nodded as she left the room.

He had never been beyond this depleted before.

He had closed his eyes, leaning his head against the headboard as he surrendered to sleep – a simple luxury which he had not been able to have, in the past few weeks.

_Heal, Alec, heal,_ he had thought sleepily, still cradling his head in his lap.

It wasn’t until he felt the warmth and tingling in his hands, that he realized that he had inadvertently summoned magic to his hands. He wasn’t supposed to. He had only meant it as prayer, not to summon any magic. He hadn’t even known he had any in reserve to use…

But apparently he had.

_But by then it was too late, as he was halfway toward sleep…_

Behind closed eyes, things started to go awry – the scene started to change, it had made him feel physically sick, like he was going to vomit…it had all turned black and white, and the environment was spinning.

Then the whole scene had turned all black.

And the next thing he knew, he was no longer sitting in bed. He was_ here._

Magnus knew this was no ordinary place. Its edges were gold, signifying that it was of her creation...a _healing place. In limbo._

He was still exhausted -- so _exhausted_... His magic was nowhere near what it should be –

He couldn’t even open his eyes. _Too exhausted…_

He drifted off again…

The gold aura enveloping him was warm and cozy…

******

Alec just stared at the figure on the bed, surrounded by a gold aura. Alec was still reeling over the sight in front of him.

A sense of dread sent a shudder through his very soul, as he looked down upon him.

No matter how he was feeling toward Magnus right now, under the circumstances – just seeing his (ex)boyfriend lying there – _ashen,_ so devoid of color, his face as pale as death, the lack of twinkling eyes and vitality normally deemed innate within him, devoid of life itself –

_This was not happening…._

Beside him, Catarina must have sensed his discomfort, as Catarina put a hand on his shoulder in comfort.

“Catarina,” Alec said, his voice choking. “Magnus. He looks…looks ---”

He couldn’t continue.

Catarina hummed. “Yea. I know,” she said sadly.

“How long has he been like this?” he asked. His heart was breaking.

“About a day,” Catarina replied. “He just woke up too early. Sometimes individual will wake up but their strength is still far from being optimal. Then the best thing would be for them to be put back into an induced coma. But no, Magnus wanted to get up and see you. I mean, of course. I didn’t have the heart to tell him no, as he had been so worried about you. But by day’s end, I could see that the few hours he had spent awake and conscious had been too much for him, and he was weak and having occasional dizzy spells. I should not have left him alone even for one second, but I had to go into the kitchen. He was only sitting on the bed, with your head in his lap, so I had thought that harmless. When I came back, he had all by collapsed while holding your head in his lap, almost falling off the bed. I am not sure if he tried to speed up your healing on his own. He knows as well as anyone that these things take time, and that as a healer, I knew how best to coordinate your care.” 

She shook her head ruefully.

“Since I had walked out of the room when he collapsed, I will never know the full story. And when he wakes up, I am not even sure to what extent he will remember the events leading up to this,” she said.

She closed her eyes. “I will always blame myself for that, for walking out of the room, and thinking he was okay to handle himself,” she said. “I thought that as long as he had you in his arms, he could draw upon that strength and would be able to start healing himself.” She sighed. “How soon we all forget that even the most powerful warlock ever known to exist – still can burn out, and then require enough convalesce time to return. It was too short-sighted of me.”

They both looked at Magnus.

“I will sit here with him,” Alec said. He sat in the armchair by the bed and took hold of one of Magnus’s hands. It was so limp, it seemed unreal.

Catarina nodded. “Okay. But I can’t guarantee when he will come out of this. It can even be another day,” she said. “No one can calculate these things.”

“I don’t care,” Alec said stubbornly. “I want to be here when he wakes up,” he said with an air of finality.

Catarina nodded.

“Well, then,” she said. “I will come to check in on you from time to time then.”

….

Hours passed, then the evening, going into night.

Catarina came by the room.

Alec had fallen asleep in the armchair next to the bed, still holding Magnus’s hand. Magnus was still unchanged.

Catarina gazed at the both of them for a moment, and then she walked to the closet. She reached up and lifted out a plushy duvet. She walked over to Alec and placed the duvet over him so he was covered up to his chest.

“Good night, Alec. And good night Magnus,” she whispered.

Perhaps they would have better luck come morning.

She turned and left the room.

*******

_MOOD: SYML: “Wildfire (Alternate Version)_

_…._

_BLUE._

_So Much. Blue._

_So breathtakingly serene. So impossible. So filling his senses…_

It was all Magnus could see, for miles around…

So beautiful, he could feel his soul sigh at how perfect it all was –

Then suddenly -- _WHOOSH!~ translucent streaks in the sky trailed after whatever that was…_

His eyes darted upward.

Suddenly something zipped back across, just as quickly. As Magnus’s eyes adjusted, he could see that it was a _winged figure_ \--- so elegant and lean.

But what gave him pause was the dark hair and hazel eyes and oh-so-familiar smile --

_ALEC??_

_WAIT, THAT’S ALEC! _

But – when did he get_ wings_? But there they were – solid, strong, and metallic silver. Yet they looked lighter than air. And obviously Alec knew how to handle them.

The gleam from the sun helped to showcase their brilliance.

There was _such_ joy on Alec’s face as he soared up into the stratosphere above, all without exuding much effort – it was like he had been doing this all his life. 

Such strength and ecstasy exuded by Alec, that it took Magnus’s breath away.

From where he stood, Magnus watched as Alec did this. He was unable to take his eyes off of him. It had been way too long since he’d witnessed Alec so happy and free.

He felt genuinely happy for Alec, to see him this way. His heart felt so full, wanting his love to be happy…

The music within his heart rose in a crescendo the longer he watched Alec fly, in loops and bounds and soaring, just for the sheer joy of it…

\--

_In good time, you'll come to know_

_When you release, when you let go_

_You can find yourself where you belong_

_\--_

But a gaping hole of _sadness -- _that nothing else could replace, had already started to form.

Magnus knew that whatever reasons Alec found to make him happy and content, he was certainly not one of those very reasons.

That very thought made him almost choke, as tears sprung into his eyes. He suddenly felt unbalanced, as if he would just collapse and drop to his knees with immense grief.

But in the next minute, he blinked back his tears, took a deep breath, and stood tall.

He would not stand there, feeling sorry for himself. Everything was on him, how this all played out. 

There was no one else to blame, _but himself_ \--

Resigned, he continued to watch from afar despite his conflicting feelings, just marveling in the spectacle before him – Alec – even as he ignored the growing spell of hopelessness and utter loneliness in his heart.

Alec was not his – or anyone’s – to have. Alec was better on his own.

….

However, as if on cue, and as if Alec had _just _heard Magnus’s thoughts -- or rather, sensed his conflicting emotions, Alec turned to look down while busy in flight. His eyes seemed to focus on Magnus.

Their eyes locked, and held –

Sad brown eyes – to exhilarated hazel eyes, which suddenly turned questioning.

He halted in mid-flight, continuing to stare at Magnus, wide-eyed.

Then – a voice seemed to appear in the head of Magnus’s head.

“Magnus…”

Magnus blinked.

Alec seemed to be communicating with him -- telepathically!

What’s wrong? Why aren’t you letting me see you? _Like, really see you?_

_What did he mean? _Magnus was never as confused as he had been at this very moment.

Alec’s voice, in his head, initially sounded confused. Now it started to sound pleading.

Why haven’t you let me see you for what you are, for who you are? You know I love you, I would never have judged you. 

So why would you hide from me? Why? Why would you still continue to hide things from me? Or aspects of yourself? Don’t you think this makes things much more difficult now for the both of us?

…why didn’t you trust me? Why don’t you trust me now?

Alec’s words kicked Magnus straight in his gut. He just stood there, stunned, as he stared at Alec – who was staring back at him, his hazel eyes both open and honest. 

He was waiting for an answer.

Magnus opened his mouth, and then closed it. He didn’t know what to say…

_He was such a coward._ He shook his head, hugging his arms to himself.

_He was a coward back then, and still a damn coward now..._

Dammit, why couldn’t he just tell him?

Alec was still staring at him. He didn’t seem impatient. Rather, he seemed calm, as if knowing how difficult this was for Magnus. 

Maybe Magnus was just imagining things. 

Maybe --

_I didn’t want to lose you to the truth. I am a monster…_

Something within him was responding to what Alec was asking.

Magnus didn’t even know where this was coming from, as he wasn’t even speaking of his own accord. It was all telepathic. 

And with every word, he felt his heart _bleed _\--

I’m a monster. That was proven. I hurt you. And I knew from somewhere deep inside of myself, that I would eventually lose you to this. And I knew it would kill me. So I decided to cut our connection first. I thought if I did that now, I could save the both of us from more intense heartbreak ---

And how did that end up working for you? Alec had raised his eyebrows, as if in disbelief.

Magnus just stared back at him, wide-eyed.

It – had completely backfired. He didn’t fall out of love with Alec, at all. In fact, it had sent him into a tailspin, with the nightmares, hallucinations, cutting –

And then he had literally killed himself. To save Alec.

Which was why he was here, right now ---

Oh god, what had he done to himself? To them? _This was all his own doing…_

Tears sprang into his eyes.

However, Magnus suddenly felt a thousand pounds lighter, as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his soul ---

A buzz started up behind his eyes -- slowly growing stronger…

_Stronger still –_

A spark suddenly appeared, lighting everything aflame.

With a pop! His eyes were ablaze with gold, once again. He could feel it – his strength, his magic, and his very essence had reappeared.

A big smile appeared on Alec’s face, suffused with joy -- a glow which extended past his entire body to the ends of his fingertips and beyond. His wings were gleaming, with the reflection of the Heavenly sun shining down on the feathers, making them reflect like prisms in all directions –

Alec was glowing. He was _ethereal._

_He was glorious…_

Magnus couldn’t stop_ staring._

Ah there you are, my love, Alec said. The expression on his face held so much love and empathy. 

_Please go and make things right_ \---

Then he disappeared, wings and all…

_WHAT --_

“Alec!” Magnus yelled, suddenly finding his voice. Frantically, he looked all around.

_Where did he go?! “ALEC!!!!!” _he screamed.

_Nothing._

_“ALEC!!!!!”_he screamed again, screaming himself hoarse.

*******

“Magnus!”

His eyes flew open. That was Alec’s voice! 

_And oh, Alec was right in front of him. _Next to him, there was an armchair with a bunched up duvet on it. 

Had Alec stayed with him all this time_?_

Worried hazel eyes were staring into his. Framed by the loveliest long dark lashes, fair skin, and the tossed bedhead style dark hair that he loved to run his fingers through.

Was this real? And if so, what had all of that been, just before?

He was still in a daze.

“A-Alexander?” he asked uncertainly.

The face above him slowly smiled. “Magnus, you’re back,” he said, sounding relieved.

Magnus slowly reached up with his hand, faltering slightly as his fingers were right by Alec’s face. Would Alec flinch if Magnus touched him? 

Did he even have the right to be touching Alec? When he had been unconscious and asking for him, he even hesitated in touching him, but Catarina had insisted. But now that Catarina wasn’t here at this exact moment – the insecurity and self- hate came back full force.

He felt so phony, like he was wearing a mask – to Alec and everyone else, they saw a glittery warlock. But he knew what he was, deep inside…the demon with the red scales and yellow eyes and disgusting appendages, whose only goals were to destroy, then defile and use Alec for carnal pleasures -- until he was dead…

That curse had only brought up what existed deep within – now that he knew, it changed everything.

His hand trembled as it paused next to Alec’s face, only to be pulled back quickly. He smiled, albeit tightlipped.

Alec’s face registered confusion. “Are you okay, Magnus?” he asked quietly.

His voice held such concern. Magnus blinked back tears that had suddenly leapt into his eyes.

“Don’t mind me,” he whispered. “Just adjusting back to things.” He turned away.

He was lying through his teeth. You’re trying to protect him, he told himself.

_So what about that dream?_ his brain thought. Are you going to keep hiding this from him? Are you just going to push him away, again? Then why did you save him?

I saved him, so that he could go on to live a full life, even if it is without me in it, he argued.

That demon thing was _not _you, his brain argued. That curse potentiated your demon blood to take over. You were not_ born_a demon, Magnus. Your mother was human, if you had forgotten that. That is what makes the difference. She gave you all the good that she could offer you – and you also made a conscious decision to live your life doing good, after you realized how nefarious your father was. That was all _you_. Just because you were born of unfortunate circumstances, it doesn’t necessary need to dictate what you are. You’ve had CENTURIES to figure that out, Magnus. 

_C’mon, you know better than this! _

And due to Samael messing with you both, you’re suddenly doubting who or what you are? As well as practically deciding to push this Shadowhunter out of your life -- yet again? Because – Magnus – you’re treading on thin ice. I thought you realized this already, after the first one, which we thought was a mistake, in fact to quote you, _“The worst decision you ever made in your life”_ – didn’t we? 

If you go ahead and do this, he won’t come back. Trust me on that,” his brain said.

Magnus was contemplative for a moment.

Of course Magnus knew he wasn’t a demon.

But that curse -- and the fact he had been so susceptible to it – well, it had just really shaken his self-worth and confidence down to its very foundations. 

_He had always thought that as a warlock, he would be able to withstand those types of curses…_

“Magnus?” Alec was waving a hand in front of his face. He sounded odd.. 

“Uh, should I go? Do you still need more time alone?” Alec asked in a small voice. Despite still having so much to think over, when he looked into his heart, he _needed_ Magnus. He _wanted_ Magnus.

_But what if he doesn’t want you, because of that --_

Alec didn’t want to think about it. He closed his eyes, feeling pained.

His shoulders slumped.

Magnus could see the confusion, want, and desire in Alec’s eyes as he initially spoke. But then, when Magnus had not responded immediately, the look in Alec’s eyes slowly changed to a pained look, and then Alec shut his eyes, followed with a huge sigh. 

He looked so defeated.

_Don’t push him away…_

Magnus took a deep breath, and made a decision.

“I want you to stay. I missed you Alexander,” he said in a softer tone of voice.

Alec opened his eyes and looked at Magnus in wonder, a small smile gracing his handsome face. Magnus inhaled sharply as he stared into those wonderful hazel eyes – of which he didn’t think he would ever see again when he had found him in the bathroom that day…

Magnus’s glamour dropped, displaying his gold cat eyes to Alec for the very first time since he had come back from the hospital. 

Alec’s face brightened up, a flush coloring his cheeks as they continued to gaze at one another.

Tentatively, Magnus reached out toward Alec’s cheek. This time he brushed it lightly with his fingers. Alec instinctively leaned into the touch, the way that he always did. 

Magnus blinked, swallowing hard at the tender moment. _He hoped he wouldn’t lose him, anyway…_

And then, at that very moment -- he knew he had to tell him. 

He had to come clean, to tell Alec exactly what happened. Why he had made Alec leave that night. 

He needed to get it out in the open.

Somehow he doubted it would be as easy as it had seemed in the dream. Things had just started happening without provocation. But that was a dream, and this is real life. Real life rarely ran smooth, and so many things potentially just didn’t work out.

However the way Alec had been personified in the dream.. Alec's morals and persona in real life were exactly like that in the dream. 

Magnus was still incredibly scared of what might happen.

But he was no longer going to live a lie. He had to tell Alec.

He swallowed hard. _Here goes nothing…_

“Alexander,” he said quietly. “Can you call Catarina over here? There’s something I need to tell you, but I would like her here as mediator. Is that okay?”

Alec looked at him, seeming a bit confused. 

“Sure, Magnus,” he said, giving him a strange look. “I’ll be right back.” He got up and walked out of the room.

Magnus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, nothing that his heart was now racing a zillion miles per minute.

Within five minutes, Alec had walked back into the room, with Catarina following close. Her face brightened up when she saw Magnus, with her gold cat eyes back at full strength. 

“Magnus!” she said happily, rushing up to give him a hug.

He hugged her back fiercely. She started laughing, but it soon caught in her throat, and began to sound strangled. Then even bordering on angry.

Magnus just held on tightly, not wanting to let go, even as she started to cry and yell at him.

“Don’t you ever, ever, ever do that again!” she cried, half pummeling him with her fists. “I don’t know what happened the second time, but now that’s twice you nearly died in a week! I won’t have the strength literally, or emotionally to treat you a third time, especially for something that should not have happened in the first place!”

“Cat, I’m so sorry,” Magnus murmured, rubbing her back in comforting circles. “I won’t do it again, I promise. I was too reckless and I can’t be doing that, especially to my dear friends…”

Catarina pulled away a bit to look into his eyes. “Damn straight, you can’t keep doing that,” she reprimanded him. “You know how scared Raphael and I were a few days ago –and then this happens! Thank god Raphael wasn’t around this time around. In fact, he just might turn around and kick your ass beyond Edom for scaring the shit out of him.”

Magnus stared at Catarina, wide-eyed, and then started cracking up uncontrollably. “Yea, that’s Raphael, alright,” he gasped. Catarina just looked at him a moment, rendered mute. But after awhile, her lips twisted into a smirk. 

Meanwhile Alec just looked at the both of them incredulously. “I think this is completely going over the top of my head,” he muttered.

“Don’t worry about it,” both Catarina and Magnus said simultaneously.

Then Catarina’s face grew serious. 

“Magnus,” she said, addressing the warlock. “Alec said you wanted to say something, but asked that I be in the room when you do.”

Oh, right, Magnus thought. He felt his courage start to wane once again. And Alec was looking at him, his large hazel eyes, so trusting, yet with that question in his eyes.

_Forgive me,_ he thought desperately –

“Alexander, I know so much has happened between us, and that a lot of work is needed before any type of relationship can occur between us,” Magnus began slowly. 

He saw Alec’s eyes widen as he took in his words.

Catarina’s eyes widened as well. She recalled them discussing this one to two months ago, but she hadn’t recalled him deciding to tell Alec about it! 

This was huge!

“But I do want to work on it, to work on communicating better with you and getting things out in the open. I know it’s going to take a lot of work, and it may or may not be successful. But I know that I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t’ try,” Magnus said, swallowing hard. “I never loved anyone the way I loved you. And I never will. And even if things don’t work out in the end, I still need to know that everything was out in the open, that only truths were told, and that we really did try our best to clear the air.”

Those words poured out of Magnus all at once, and it just left Alec flabbergasted. He blinked. So they were going to finally do this? Magnus wanted to try to work things out? 

He glanced at Catarina quickly, who nodded at him.

He took a deep breath. 

“I…am open to trying. You are the one I chose to love, Magnus, and I am committed to that,” he admitted. “However so many things happened in these last few months which weren’t addressed, and so much miscommunication occurred..”

He trailed off as something odd occurred to him. 

“You wanted to say something, Alexander? What is it?” Magnus asked, seeing that the Shadowhunter was struggling to say something.

Alec gave Magnus a questioning look. “There was something that I always wondered,” he said slowly. About the night that you sent me away –”

Magnus couldn’t help wincing, despite his initial resolve to bring everything out in the open.

“I was wondering…how you knew to go through my memories that night to see if Samael raped me,” Alec stated, almost choking on the last 3 words. In all this time, he still had not gotten to the point where he could talk about that without feeling a sense of shame or disgust.

Magnus swallowed hard again, as he caught Catarina’s eye. _You need to tell him_, her eyes said.

"Okay," he sighed. Then he started speaking.

“There’s an ancient scripture that was formerly used toward those of demon blood, particularly warlocks, and especially those of Fallen Angel descent, along with lesser demons, that was used by those with nefarious intent, to try to gain control of the topside. Anyone who would use this scripture sought to target all such beings, effectively either controlling them, or potentiating their demon side to manifest as dominant (warlocks). So basically any demons would suddenly be under the control of the conjurer and would do their bidding, or any warlock within a specified region would be transformed into a grotesque demon being, with all their higher intelligence from their human side (their conscience, compassions, and independent thinking) dampened in favor of the demonic, animalistic drive – as to use them for killing machines. And not only would they pillage, but they would rape and then kill their prey. Of course at some point, anyone lesser than a Greater Demon who ever tried to invoke this spell and tried to gain control only failed, as the newly transformed demons would always turn on the master and end up tearing them in two, or raping/killing them, not in that order…”

Magnus paused, exhaling nervously. He looked at Alec, who was getting more wide-eyed by the minute.

“Wow, well, that’s certainly a mouthful,” Alec said finally, licking his lips nervously. 

He looked at Magnus intently. 

“And you are telling me this, because…” Alec trailed off, questioningly.

Magnus inhaled sharply, and then continued speaking. “So after awhile, when everyone who tried to invoke this curse involuntarily would end up getting killed, the Angel Raziel came down to the Earthly plain, declaring that this was deemed way too dangerous to even be in existence, or for anyone to have knowledge on how to invoke it. So it was stripped from all the books, history books, any warlock texts even, and even struck from memories, so that no one would have knowledge or even know how to invoke such a curse again. And it was successful. Until…” 

Magnus trailed off, closing his eyes, his breathing becoming a bit ragged.

“Magnus, are you okay?” Catarina asked gently, putting a hand on his forearm. 

Magnus’s eyes flew open, and he nodded stiffly. He had to continue.

“Until that night,” Magnus breathed. “The night, when you left.” He looked straight at Alec.

Alec was visibly shaken. But he was really confused. 

“What?” he asked. “What does that night have to do with anything.”

“The curse, Alexander. Somehow you invoked that curse,” Magnus said quietly.

“What?” Alec was astounded. “That’s…impossible!” he sputtered. “I don’t remember anything!”

Magnus was looking at him carefully. “Do you really not remember anything? Or is it more like your mind blocked most of it?” he asked.

From the corner of his eyes, he saw Catarina nodding, encouraging this exchange.

“No,” Alec protested. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Magnus sighed. “But of course the Angel Raziel knew of this scripture, along with the Greater Demons, who have been around since earlier times. The scripture can be initiated by a Greater Demon with nefarious intent, where they would pick a hapless victim (of any type, be it Nephilim, Mundane or any other ), rape them and expel their seed into their bodies, and as they did so, they could enact a spell, effectively turning that person into a catalyst toward invoking the curse. Curses can then be invoked via many different mediums but the most potent involves sex magik. Basically if someone was marked in that way, and then they ended up having sex with someone, the marked would then become possessed, chant the curse, and then any warlock or lesser demon in the region would then lose all faculties and start transforming into demons and then start acting purely out of instinct, just completely out of their minds. All they would have in their minds would be to rape, play with their food/victims, watch them suffering, and then rape for a whole while longer – until their victims were dead, or exploded – whichever came first.”

Now Alec’s eyes were really bugging out. “S-so,” Alec stuttered, his hazel wide eye with fear, as he slowly looked from Magnus to Catarina. "You're saying that because Samael raped me, I also ended up being that vessel for him..."

He was speechless. Not only had he been raped and defiled. But to have been raped in order to be used --- against his will -- to further an even more _evil_ purpose...

He just couldn't wrap his head around it – the ease with which control of his body had just been taken, just like that. He also couldn’t quell the fear that was quickly rising from the pit of his stomach.

"Just tell me something," Alec said, trying to keep his voice. "So how did I inadvertently invoke the curse? W-Was I raped... Again? By something else?"

The words were thick in his throat.

Magnus didn’t respond.

“So I _was _raped? Again, without me being able to remember it…” Alec’s head was spinning. His mind had already been racing with every horrendous thing that had happened to him these past few months, and it was making him feel sick.

To be just blindsided by this new information now…

“No, you weren’t raped. It wasn’t like how it happened with Samael. It was…more accidental, to an extent,” Magnus said, closing his eyes as dread started to pool at the bottom of his gut. 

Alec looked at Magnus just then – really looked at him. Magnus looked extremely hesitant, and uncomfortable. And, he was not looking directly at him. 

“And _you_ know this,” Alec said slowly. “_Because...”_

“I hadn’t known, Alexander,” Magnus whispered, in a voice so low Alec had to lean in to hear him. “I hadn’t known at the time what Samael had actually done to you –”

“Well, I know that,” Alec interjected, his voice coming in a bit louder than he intended. Now he was just getting impatient. Magnus was starting to talk in a roundabout way, and he has always hated it when people did that. That usually happened when people wanted to _deflect_ from a topic that was extremely hard to talk about…

He was tired of deflecting, for things to be kept from him. Also, having this topic brought up again – when this was the night he was kicked out –

“Right, Samael _raped _me,” Alec said, gritting his teeth, “And you were just _so _disgusted by it – you couldn’t stand the thought that I got defiled. _You didn’t want me anymore._ So you threw me out. Yea, _thanks _for reminding me.” 

There was venom bleeding with every word coming out of his mouth, but Alec didn’t care anymore. It was like having a wound that had been poorly patched up; now inadvertently it had been torn open yet again. And it was still fresh. Raw and bleeding out. 

And hey, as long as it was bleeding out, it might as well bleed out entirely. 

The pain and hurt hit Alec all at once yet again, so hard in the stomach that he involuntarily gasped from the memory of it -- him begging and crying to _stay_ – and Magnus’s absolute refusal – his sudden coldness and cruel words, turning his back on him, leading to the beginning of that whole nightmare that eventually left him broken…

Magnus had flinched, wincing as if the words had stabbed him in the chest. 

Good, Alec thought resolutely, even as part of him was sorry that it was affecting him that way. He was done with being tactful and maintaining diplomacy. 

Magnus was looking at him, horrified. “I didn’t tell you to leave because I was disgusted by you,” he said slowly. “Is that what you think?”

Alec let out a short, sardonic sounding laugh.

“My self-esteem dropped through the floor,” he said coldly, now looking at a spot on the floor. “It’s why I chose to disappear, and to abandon everything that could identify me. My phone, gone. I abandoned my post to Izzy, and I just left. I couldn’t even stand to myself anymore – I glamoured my runes as well as myself so I was an unrecognizable Mundane, and I muted the parabatai rune so not even Jace could track me. I had to get rid of everything that could possibly remind of what happened – the reasons why you threw me out. I was disgusting, I was defiled, that I was no longer the Alexander that you had built up in your mind, the one you fell in love with – the perfect Shadowhunter, the perfect boyfriend, who could fight demons and overcome them. Not one that ended up disgustingly weak, and_ claimed_ by a Greater Demon, right in front of his boyfriend’s very eyes. And not only that, to become a vessel like some hapless fool. I would have abandoned me too.”

The tears were now spilling down Alec’s face, with his admission. 

The memories, now spoken aloud, hit his heart like fresh shards of glass. Would there ever be a time when this would stop hurting?

Magnus looked at Alec, trepidation growing in his gut. _That was what Alec had thought all along?_ That Magnus told him to leave because he was disgusted by what Samael had done to him? That Alec endured all those painful months away –_ alone _– thinking those horrid thoughts about himself?

_I did that to him,_ Magnus realized with horror. _I caused that. I caused everything that happened to him from that point on. _

Alec, by letting himself be lured and captured by that vampire, becoming a willing prisoner in that vampire den for the rest to feed upon, then subject to whatever that vampire Michael did to him…Alec had mentally given up _all _control. There was no way that Alec – if he had had all his mental faculties about him at the time – would have even allowed that vampire to come near him, lest allowed even one drop of vampire venom to touch him…

Magnus shuddered.

“Alec,” Magnus said firmly. “I have never been disgusted or ashamed to be with you. I will never stop blaming myself for allowing you to go on thinking that way. Until the end of days, I will always view you as the wonderful person that you are. I will never stop seeing you that way.”

“Well it sure didn’t seem that way, when you threw me out that day,” Alec retorted.

“I was begging, and crying for you to let me stay. I screamed that I loved you, and yet you turned me away. At a time when I needed you the most, you asked me to leave. So now you’re saying that it wasn’t because you felt disgusted by me?” Alec asked incredulously, his voice rising slightly.

He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

“So now -- I’m extremely curious. _Why – exactly – did you throw me out, Magnus? Why did you break up with me?”_

Alec’s voice had lowered dangerously as he asked those words, his eyes now focused directly on Magnus. He wasn’t getting the answers he was looking for, and his patience was at the breaking point now.

“We had sex in the living room that night, after Dot left,” Magnus whispered. “And –”

“I seem to remember that part,” Alec interjected. “Well maybe less about the sex part, which I don’t understand why I don’t remember it. What I do recall is Dot coming in, right when we were supposed to be talking about what happened two days prior, and her visit just took priority and you guys acted like I wasn’t even _there_.”

Magnus opened his mouth to speak, but Alec held up his hand, and he fell silent.

“But never mind about that right now,” Alec snapped. “Right, so we were having sex after – but why don’t I remember it? Why?”

Magnus swallowed hard, and then started speaking. “So we were starting things up, and then all of a sudden you started saying really dirty, nasty stuff – addressing me as Warlock, telling me to give it to you good, even being really forward… at first it seemed really really HOT and I was totally into it. But then you started muttering something over and over again, as if you couldn’t stop saying it. I couldn’t hear it, so I enhanced it ---”

Magnus paused. _Here we go,_ he thought.

“Then something happened. The next minute that I was fully conscious and aware of myself, I was covered with sharp red scales, with a tail and extra appendages. I was behind you, thrusting into you relentlessly. Your back was torn up and bleeding, your rim was bleeding and raw, as if I had been at it for quite awhile, I had heard shrieking for quite awhile prior to coming to, and then I realized that it had been coming from ME, as was the scaly red tongue, which had conveniently ended up wrapping tightly around your throat. And that turned me on so much, that I kept thrusting and thrusting into you, already raw and bleeding. And I didn’t care. And you were _choking – _which made you open your eyes. And that’s when my mind recalled your name, that it was you in front of me. Whom I was hurting – for the debauchery, the ultimate sexual pleasure of it, for the power of claiming you – and my mind and magic just REELED, and I threw both of us back, as far as I could – to get myself away from you.”

Magnus stopped, gasping from the horrendous memory as tears came into his eyes.

“But that’s not when I found out what happened. So, after I threw us apart, I started reverting back to my own self, still not knowing HOW I became what I became, I saw how torn up you were – from me! And I started healing you…BUT then you chanted something, much more loudly this time, and things started happening. My tongue UNFURLED from my mouth, it sought to strangle you again, and my skin burst into scales again, and I had this insane urge to maul, strangle, and fuck you until you were DEAD. And I was actively strangling you, which stopped you from muttering the entire curse – so I reverted back once again, but I couldn’t stop my magic from changing to red, and that just flung you across the room like a rag doll crashing onto the floor. I ran to you, trying to start up the healing process yet again –”

“I woke up then, and I didn’t know where I was right? That’s when you asked about Samael, and asked to see my memories…” Alec said, struggling to keep his voice under control. To say he was shellshocked couldn’t even come close ---

_WHAT DID HE JUST HEAR ---_

_…WHAT?_

_Just, WHAT?_

No, Alec couldn’t wrap his mind around it. 

He refused to believe it! He’d heard of crazy things happening before, but this? That Magnus had transformed into a demon while they were having sex, becoming a slave to his demon impulses, and nearly killed him in the process? Magnus wouldn’t hurt him like that. He wouldn’t!

And yet…somewhere in the recesses of his mind, a hazy figure from his memories were taking shape – that faint recollection of a slim red scaly figure with blazing yellow eyes, when he was stuck by himself in the dark as Michael’s captive – left to his own devices. Too much time for the damn mind to wander and unravel – and he had saw it clearly in his head, that creature fucking him and shrieking as he dug his claws into his back…

He had thought it a product of _impending insanity_. And yet ---

Alec felt like he was going to be sick.

“I want to see my memories,” he said firmly.

Magnus paled. “Uh, I don’t feel like doing that right now –”

Alec narrowed his eyes. “I don’t think you are in the position to turn me down, Magnus,” he said in a controlled tone of voice. “Wait – I changed my mind. I want to see your memories, actually.”

“W-What?” Magnus was taken aback.

“I can’t accept what you told me, my mind just can’t reconcile it,” Alec said stubbornly. “You need to allow me to see your memories. And don’t tell me you can’t do it. You did it before.”

Magnus sighed. He couldn’t deny him.

He stood up, and slowly walked to him, feeling like every step was a death knell, effectively snapping the connection between them. As he sat down across from Alec, he had already said a silent goodbye, as he looked into those hazel eyes, so confused, so tortured. 

I caused that, he thought to himself in agony. I don’t deserve to keep him…

Taking a deep breath, he brought Alec’s hands to his own temples. He said the incantation. 

And then both their eyes rolled back.

All Magnus could feel was his heart dropping into his stomach, just imagining what Alec was seeing now. Him as the _monster_…

Alec, on the other hand, was frozen as images assaulted his head. 

Of them two having sex – he remembered that. His getting rough with Magnus, addressing him callously as “Warlock” like an insult – okay he winced at that. Then the room getting all crazy with lights and flames. Words coming out from Alec’s mouth, his eyes rolled back and unseeing. Then Magnus – instantaneously unfurling, his skin bursting into red scales, the long tongue shooting out from his mouth, his hands and feet turning into claws, throwing his head back and shrieking as he dug himself into Alec’s back, thrusting and sawing despite the skin turning raw and splitting him open.

The continued shrieking as he continued to do this relentlessly, over and over again. Pulling at his nether region, unless Alec appeared to come, collapsing beneath him. Only to be forced upright again, and the assault continuing…

Then the tail wrapping around his neck, and slowly squeezing – and the demon seeming to get off on it –

Alec suddenly couldn’t’ watch anymore. Filled with those images, he gasped in horror and PUSHED Magnus away, making himself fall onto the floor in the process.

He looked at Magnus, unbelievingly.

Magnus, however, didn’t appear affected or emotional at all. Rather he looked drained, and resigned.

“That…really happened?” Alec asked slowly, his eyes fluttering nervously. He licked his lips. His hand unconsciously went to his throat as he recalled watching himself being fucked with that tongue at his throat…

“You saw it didn’t you?” Magnus asked emotionlessly. “I didn’t want you to see it, but you insisted.” He sighed heavily.

“Okay, so I ended up invoking the curse, and you inadvertently got caught up in all of this, but what does that have to do –”

“_DON’T YOU SEE WHY I HAD TO TELL YOU TO GO?_” Magnus suddenly shouted, jumping up from his chair. His eyes were tearing now, with his voice breaking.

The room fell dead silent, as Alec froze. Out of the corner of Alec’s eye, he saw Catarina turn away from the both of them and slowly walk out of the room. 

Just as well, Alec thought faintly, as his brain had not completely caught up to everything.

Then Magnus’s words finally registered.

Rage started piling within Alec, and soon he was so riled up, he couldn’t even think straight anymore.

“_THAT’S _THE REASON WHY YOU THREW ME OUT?” Alec sputtered, now as just loudly as Magnus.

Magnus was instantly contrite. Wide-eyed, he slumped back in his chair, shocked at Alec’s outburst. He was frozen, transfixed on Alec’s face, which was channeling several emotions all at once. He couldn’t look away

“You, you couldn’t trust that I could handle the truth of what happened…I mean, you didn’t even mean to_ HURT_ me! That was all _beyond _your control!” Alec said, his eyes wild, and his hands gesturing all over the place. “But, for you to just throw me out, because of THAT, as I cried and begged for you to let me stay, that I LOVED YOU —”

Magnus instantly felt ridiculous, and worthless, just sitting there. 

But, of course, since he _was _ridiculous and worthless…

“Do you _know_ what I went through out there?” Alec’s voice was quieter now, but still as desperate. “Do you know that I had no more will to live, to even care? That I stumbled into a bar somewhere, not even caring anymore what happened to me, and I let that guy, that vampire kiss me, seduce me, capture me -- and I couldn’t give a shit anymore, because I was nothing – and that I must have been nothing, the lowest form of life, because you threw me out? Because I thought you couldn’t stand to be with someone who had been defiled? That you no longer saw me as worthy in your eyes?”

“By the time you and Raphael found me, it had been days, god knows how many days,” Alec whispered in a tortured voice, “And he had just about broken me. I had no more will to resist, I was just going to have him claim me, even KILL me, and I couldn’t have cared less. One more bite, that would have been it ---”

“Stop it,” Magnus cried, putting his hands over his ears. “I can’t take it.” Tears started streaming down his face. “Don’t you think I didn’t regret every single day that I sent you away –”

“But it didn’t stop any of this from happening…and then next thing I know, I tore open my arm and I was happy to die, if only to be free from all that shit,” Alec said emotionlessly. He felt so drained. He had used every ounce of anger and frustration already, he didn’t have anything else to give. “He’s still in my head, Magnus. Telling me he loves me, telling me he knows how to make me feel good, to make me moan and scream his name –”

Magnus shook his head furiously. “I’m sorry, I can’t take this right now,” he said brokenly.

“But even aside from that, you didn’t trust or love me enough to believe that you could have just told me all of this, and that we could have gotten past this?” Alec asked. He was now crying, tears slipping down his cheeks. “I thought we loved each other enough to trust in one another. I know you would never hurt me intentionally…”

“It isn’t you at all,” Magnus protested. “It’s me. I never thought I could become affected by the curse to that extent, or that I would have thoughts of hurting you when in that mode. I sent you away because I am a monster, deep inside. The idea of me someday hurting you again if/when I lost control was too much for me to bear. I mean, how does a monster like me, which I absolutely hate myself for, have a right to have something with you? So I thought that if I just let you go, now, that it would be easier for us to move on – at least for you to forget about me, someone evil at heart who doesn’t deserve love –”

Alec just stared at Magnus with horror. Then he smiled sadly, and got up from his chair.

“Wow,” he said ruefully, looking at Magnus.

“I guess I never really knew you at all. I’m sorry, but I really don’t feel like I can be here right now, talking to you. I don’t think I'll be able to, for awhile at least,” Alec said slowly.

Pain was stabbing at his heart and eyes with sharp splinters, but he barely felt them, as a wall had already come down onto his heart.

All he felt was the cold, rushing in, immobilizing any feelings he had at the moment. He was no longer angry. He just felt defeated and resigned.

“W-What are you saying?” Magnus said, fearfully, starting to feel lightheaded. _This wasn’t happening…_

“I’m sorry, Magnus. But I can’t be here right now. I just can’t believe you went ahead and threw me out for such a ridiculous reason – my life as I knew it crumbled to pieces once I stepped out that door, and now for me to find out that it could have been avoided, after all this time – I just _can’t_,” he said, resigned.

What could he say? Magnus just stared at Alec, the tears blinding him now. _This was the worst thing ever…_

“I’m so sorry…” His voice was weak, and no longer sounded like his own.

Alec’s heart broke. But he couldn’t ignore all the crazy feelings this whole thing was bringing forth. He just couldn’t handle it, this was too much. 

He was exhausted. His mind was exhausted. He felt like he needed to rest.

He forced himself to look directly into Magnus’s eyes, whose glamour had dropped awhile ago. Those gold cat eyes. How he loved them. How he wanted to look into those eyes forever. 

And then he spoke.

“I love you,” he said softly. “I will always love you. I just wish….you could love yourself. I truly hope you can find out how to do so, one day.” 

He hesitated, and then raised his fingers to the side of Magnus’s face, and caressed his cheek. God the familiar feel of his soft skin was nearly threatening to undo his cool composure right now. He blinked back tears.

“I need to go now,” Alec whispered. He withdrew his hand, and just stood there, staring at Magnus.

How he wished things had turned out differently. But unfortunately the stars had aligned differently for them.

He walked to the door, feeling Magnus’s stare on him as he did so.

Something in his heart tugged at him, making it bleed. Stopped him right in his tracks. He closed his eyes, feeling the conflict swirl within him like a raging maelstrom. He couldn't control it, no matter how hard his mind was trying to stay logical, stay mindful. 

_He needed to be strong. _ This was the best for both of them. _Too much had happened._

_And yet...he wasn't sure if he could bring himself to shut down this part of his life forever. Like it or not, Magnus had become an immeasurable part of him..._

He took a deep breath. _What to do, what to do…_

Before he could change his mind, he turned back around to face Magnus. Magnus jumped, obviously startled that he had turned around.

“I just need some time, Magnus,” he whispered. He swallowed thickly. “And...I can’t promise anything, or that things could ever be what it was. Especially not when my mind is all fucked up right now. Can I…let you know in a few?”

Magnus’s eyes widened. _Did this mean…?_

“Anything, Alexander,” he cried out desperately. He had nothing else left. Not if Alec was no longer in his life. “Anything, whatever you say. Take as long as you need. I’ll do anything_. _Please_. I just can’t lose you…_”

Magnus’s voice had trailed off at the end He just stood there, his head down, with tears dropping off his chin. Magnus had never looked so devastated.

And the heartbreaking way Magnus was pleading, just threatened to _END_ Alec, right then and there. 

_Angel_, Alec thought, closing his eyes and exhaling unevenly.

“Catarina will keep you updated, okay?” he said, finally. She would be a good neutral mediator for them, if and when the time became appropriate…

“Okay.” Magnus didn’t even look up when he spoke. 

Oh, Magnus, Alec thought sadly. His shoulders sagged. How he wished his thoughts weren’t so mixed, but they were. And that couldn’t be changed. 

_This was how things needed to be right now._

“Okay,” he said. “I guess I’ll see you then,” he whispered. Then he turned and walked out of the room.

Magnus looked up. Alec had already left. His heart started to bleed.

“See you,” he whispered to the empty room.

…..

Alec’s mind was blank as he strode toward the foyer. He felt so impossibly drained. He wasn’t sure what to do next…he just couldn’t be here –

“Alec,” a soft voice said.

He turned. It was Catarina. She looked at him quizzically.

“Where are you going?” she asked in a controlled tone of voice.

“I really have no idea,” Alec responded. “But I just can’t be here right now. I-I’ll think of something…”

“No,” Catarina said firmly.

Alec stopped, and looked at her. “No?” he asked, confused. “What do you mean, no?”

“Exactly what I mean,” Catarina persisted. Her voice was absolute. “Look, I don’t know how you guys ended things in there, and I’m thinking that it did not end well –”

“The fucking understatement of the year,” Alec muttered.

Catarina sighed. “But I’m afraid I can’t allow you to just walk out of here, without knowing where you will be. You’re not in a position to be able to be on your own right now. I don’t think you can handle it, in this state, do you?” she asked.

Alec stood there for a moment. He looked at Catarina. His shoulders sagged.

“No, I’m not. I’m really not thinking clearly right now. In fact, I feel like I’m about to go insane. I feel like I need to go shoot some demons, or even HACK some demons, at the rate my mind is going,” Alec rambled, running his hand through his hair nervously.

He closed his eyes and sighed. “This is so not like me…”

“It’s okay, Alec,” Catarina said gently. “No one expects this to be easy. You have a right to your emotions…this must have been a huge blow to you.”

Alec said nothing.

“Listen,” Catarina said. “Why don’t’ you stay at my place? It’s not the loft, but it’s still cozy. And Madzie is there. She would be thrilled to have you around, and –”

“Madzie?” Alec asked, his voice softening. He sounded like he was in awe. Catarina grinned at the sudden change in emotions. She knew that the Shadowhunter was smitten by the little warlock girl.

“Yes, Alec,” Catarina said softly. “Madzie also helped to find you. She would be ever so happy to have you over, for as long as you want. Well, anyway, I think this is the best course of action right now.”

Alec nodded. Catarina did make a lot of sense. Also, his heart warmed upon hearing that Madzie had helped with the search. He loved that little girl, and couldn’t wait to play with her once he got to Catarina’s.

“If it’s not too much trouble –”

“No, not at all. And in fact, I insist. I would feel better if I knew where you were at all times, at least for now,” Catarina said. “Also you can have visitors. But I would suggest that you hold off for a bit, if you don’t mind.”

“Okay,” Alec said. “That sounds great. Thank you so much Catarina.”

Catarina smiled. “It’s my pleasure,” she said. She turned briefly to look down the hall toward Magnus’s bedroom. “I’ll just be a minute, I just want to check in on Magnus. Wait for me here?”

“Okay,” Alec said. Catarina turned and started walking down the hall. Alec sat down on the bench in the foyer, taking deep breaths, and trying to soothe his nerves.

From here on, his life was going to change -- for the better. He was looking forward to it.

_All good things, he hoped._


	17. New Dawn Fades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec -- needing some space to sort things out -- settles in with Madzie and Catarina at Catarina's apartment in the interim. 
> 
> This puts Catarina in the unenviable position of being caught between Alec -- her patient -- and Magnus -- her trusted and long-time friend, who is thisclose to falling apart due to the fragile state of his (non)relationship with Alec at the moment. 
> 
> So she employs a little help, in the form of Raphael, when navigating between the two separately. Raphael isn't the ideal person that Alec wants to see at this moment -- but somehow it ends up being more ideal that he had anticipated.
> 
> So as one's hope grows, the other dives into despair as hope fades, feeling alone and abandoned...
> 
> It will take someone _so treasured_, from deep down inside, even one whose very status on Earth is _questionable_ at best, to give him the strength, to instill the very _fight_ back into him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note to readers: I wrote the entire first part of Magnus's POV (which begins in the middle of this chapter) - the intro, and then Magnus's decision and his actions, while listening to 4 passes of the song "New Dawn Fades- Joy Division" as mood music -- and i ended up being wholly immersed in the scenes i was writing. Bonus points if you listen to the track while reading the first part of Magnus's POV.
> 
> [Video for NEW DAWN FADES](https://youtu.be/CbeNRHtpgOk)
> 
> RIP Ian Curtis - a true tragic story. (and please, if any of you ever feel the need for help, please tell someone you care about. You are not alone in this. Ever...)
> 
> _________________________

_A change of speed, a change of style_ _  
A change of scene, with no regrets  
A chance to watch, admire the distance  
Still occupied, though you forget_

_Can’t seem to feel anymore…_

_Hoping for something more  
Hoping for something else…_

_\-- New Dawn Fades – Joy Division_

Alec slowly walked out of Magnus’s building with Catarina, both hands stuffed in the pockets of his leather jacket.

Just walking out the front doors of Magnus’s building felt so surreal at the moment.

Every step he took felt as it was weighted down with something he couldn’t quite identify.

And he knew he felt as if he was leaving a lot behind, that parts of himself that were currently missing.

He recalled the times where he had walked either in and out of Magnus’s building in the past.

At least during those early days, they would walk in and out of the building whenever they needed to seek the help of the High Warlock for assistance with Shadow business. After awhile, as they had become more acquainted with him, Magnus had always volunteered to portal them back to Institute grounds, so there had never been a need to even walk out the front doors.

To be doing so now – in light of their history, and the fact that he had considered this home for the last few months – his mind was just spinning. 

He had walked out – on Magnus. 

His boyfriend…_no, his ex-boyfriend_. No, that wasn’t exactly right, either…_He just didn’t know anymore_.

Alec took a deep breath as he walked, matching Catarina in stride. He glanced sideways at her, seeing her serene looking eyes and lovely smile. He immediately felt more at ease overall.

He hadn’t realized how grateful he was for Catarina’s offer, until they were in the elevator, and she had placed a hand on his shoulder gently.

He took a deep breath, slow-blinked as if in a daze, and turned to look at her.

“It’s okay to feel sad,” Catarina said gently, her empathetic brown eyes on his. “It’s okay to feel you are grieving a loss. You have just learned that what you thought you knew as the truth, was something else entirely. It’s going to take time to process. It’s perfectly normal, Alec. Just know that I’m here if you need to talk, and everything in my apartment is yours. I want you to feel safe and secure.”

Alec felt an incredible rush of gratitude at her words.

“Thank you, Catarina,” he said, sighing deeply. “I don’t know how I am going to ever be able to repay you for this.”

“Don’t even,” she said softly. “I want to do this. It’s actually vital toward your recovery and mental wellness that this step is taken. I am happy to be involved with this in this way.”

He flashed her another smile, and then fell silent as they continued to walk further down the street.

Further away from the pieces of his heart that he had left behind.

_…………………_

They arrived at Catarina’s apartment, in a modest 5th floor elevator building, a bit further out in Brooklyn. The neighborhood certainly seemed to have more families with children walking about, than where the loft was located at. . That had been interesting, taking the Mundane subway. Alec had never taken the subway before. Catarina was sure an interesting warlock, trying to do everything as normally as possible, he thought.

She strode ahead of him, and put the key in the lock. “Well, this is it,” she said, opening the door to let Alec in. “It isn’t much, but it’s home.”

The apartment was a decent size, nothing like Magnus’s expansive loft, of course, but it certainly had its homey and cozy touches, decorated in tones of brown and red, with a large Oriental rug in the living room and a brown leather couch with two recliners on the sides. There were rich mahogany shelves with books along the walls, a decent sized flat screen television, and a rectangular glass coffee table in the middle.   
  


“it’s very cozy,” Alec remarked. “It’s very you, actually. Warm and inviting.”

Catarina smiled, clearly pleased. “Yea, I don’t make that much on a nurse’s salary, but I am more than capable of living well enough for myself and Madzie.” 

She smiled. “Let me show you to your room.”

_…………………………._

After Alec was settled into his room, which Catarina had magicked into the perfect size for someone his height, with nice quality dark green sheets and pillows, he heard the doorbell ring.

“Oh, that should be the sitter with Madzie,” Catarina said happily. “I’ll be right back.

She walked out of the room, went to the front door and opened it. 

A lovely warlock lady with purple and white hair with red stars down its length, and dressed in a purple coat had Madzie in her cute dress and My Little Pony bookbag.

“Thank you so much Paula for getting Madzie after school,” she said gratefully.

“My pleasure,” Paula said. “Madzie’s such a great girl. Anyway here’s Mama, I’ll see you tomorrow, Madzie.” She kissed the top of the little warlock head, waved and left. 

Catarina closed the door, and then bent down so she was eye to eye with Madzie.

“Hey baby girl,” Catarina said softly. “I have a surprise for you. “Uncle Alec will be staying here awhile with us.”

Madzie’s eye lit up. “Really?” she asked. “I love Uncle Alec! I want to see him now!!!”

Catarina grinned.

……………………………….

"Uncle Alec!"

Alec turned at the sound of that lovely little voice.

Madzie, his favorite little girl, was standing in the doorway. 

Behind her, Catarina was grinning. 

“A little someone wanted to see you right away,” Catarina said softly. 

She knew how much Alec adored Madzie, and the effect she had on him. Perhaps she would be the key to eventually start Alec’s healing process from the inside out…

Alec’s breath caught upon seeing the cute little warlock. 

_His heart..._

"Hey, Madzie. How's my favorite little sorceress," he said softly, feeling a tug in his heart. 

Her eyes lit up at his nickname for her. 

A child offering unconditional love, without pretenses. One of the few things he could count on these days, if nothing else. Kids were pure at heart, and innocent in general (and thank goodness they had gotten Madzie out of the clutches of Valentine and Iris - both of whom had wanted to use the young warlock as a weapon). 

Madzie broke into a huge smile, and she ran toward him, engulfing him in a huge hug, full of love. 

Tears filled his eyes as he embraced her, her radiant pureness emanating through her. Memories of babysitting Madzie -- of he and Magnus babysitting Madzie together, while sharing smiles and looks, thinking about unspoken future plans -- ran quickly thorugh his mind. 

He inhaled sharply, feeling tears threatening tto break free. 

No, he _refused_ to break at this particular moment. 

Those times --- just seemed so far removed -- almost as if they had been in another life entirely.

Alec wasn't sure exactly where he was now or what his standing was...on any level. 

What was his purpose now, in life? 

_He was born Nephilim and possessed his runes, but wasn't actively being a Shadowhunter. _

_He was no longer officially Magnus's boyfriend. In fact, he didn’t know what they were to one another._

_He was voluntarily inactive as Head of the New York Institute, having passed that to Isabelle for the interim. Indefinitely, now, it seemed…_

_He was still Jace's parabatai but even that was on a technical level right now since he had muted the rune since running out on everyone. _

Alec was always something to someone or to something his whole life. 

As Nephilim -- you were born to serve a purpose, your parents fit you in that role they set for you, and their treatment of you and your growth normally determined the type of soldier/individual you ended up being.

Normally no one was ever taught anything outside of their guidelines -- everyone assuming that the only thing that needed to be molded was the typical Nephilim child -- considered to be of heterosexual, and willing to put aside individual wants, desires, and motivation in order to serve the ultimate deity -- the Clave in Idris. 

And that's where Nephilim thinking and practices fell incredibly short.

Alec had already broken the mold by presenting as gay, and not heterosexual at birth.

And as soon as he had learned that being heterosexual was the only acceptable way to be, in the eyes of everyone surrounding him and the Clave, then he had swallowed every bit of his individualism and placed incredible weight upon the teachings from his parents. 

Never mind that he was the oldest, and as a result, they always put so much pressure on him to be the best, to excel, to be a role model toward Isabelle and Jace -- who, by the way, had suffered far less restricitons with their practices and in how they grew up -- all at the expense of himself living true to himself. 

Hell, he had almost given up the most important part of himself to serve the Clave -- he had almost married Lydia, whom had been a fine prospect, and life with her would have made him an outstanding citizen and soldier.

But he would have been honestly _miserable_. 

At the time though he had been no other solution at the time, even as his sister and his instincts were pretty much screaming at him to do otherwise.

And that's where Nephilim teachings were outdated and did not serve the purpose of growing the individual -- you just weren't taught to think for yourself, or to consider alternatives in life -- how to define yourself, to make your mark on the world, or to consider other possibilities in order to be happy. 

But then again, when one finally did break out and choose to do things for yourself, there was no precedent one could follow, as one had already chosen to forget that path on your own. 

Sure people could be along for the ride and pledge their help and support -- but in the end they didn't truly get to walk the walk. Only the one who initiated ti got to do that.

And...as everything started tumbling down, as life pummeled you continuously as if someone kept kicking you in the stomach while you were already on the floor, gasping and barely breathing, and forcing you to scream for more -- well, no one could be there to catch you. 

You chose to forgo this life on your own –

_You walked the path alone. _

And thus, if things went awry -- you needed to pick yourself up and figure things out on your own.

Hence, that was where Alec found himself now. 

Thank the Angel Catarina was here for him for now -- but even he had his doubts about her planned agenda for him.

Therapy? Would that really work? Especially if something was nearly broken? 

And by that, he wasn't even speculating about him and Magnus -- but about_ himself._

He wasn't sure right now about anything -

Well, maybe not about everything. 

For instance, this wonderful little warlock girl in his arms -- this -- _her_, he could be sure about. 

She loved and trusted him with every fiber of her soul. And right at this moment, he was so incredibly grateful for that.

….

It was days later, with Alec all settled in at Catarina’s apartment. Even though Alec was still a bit reticient with Catarina, he was certainly doing just fine with Madzie. Between Catarina and Alec, the rules of the house had been set – Alec was not to go out on his own, at least not right now, or to have visitors just yet. 

Weary from work that evening, Catarina finally sat in her armchair one evening, as thoughts ran through her head. 

Alec seemed to be doing okay with the transition, but she made a mental note to continue to observe his actions and to keep communication open, especially in light of his depression and hx of self-harm.

Just then she realized that she had been so busy with Alec, that she had forgotten to check in on Magnus. 

Which she really should have, since it would be both Alec and Magnus who would attend therapy together. 

Once Alec agreed to try to work things out with Magnus – that is.

If he _ever_ chose to want to work things out.

As it was, Alec was still getting used to everything here, so there was really no rush to do so. 

However, even if she was to go pay Magnus a visit, then who would keep Alec company and watch over him? She was still incredibly worried about him – his bouts of depression and hx of self harm worried her greatly. 

She was reluctant to leave him alone – even though he seemed to agree with all the house rules and promised he wouldn’t just go off on his own.

Still, though, not a good idea to chance it in the beginning, especially since his suicide attempt was so recent.

_ Yes, better to stay with Alec, and then to try to visit Magnus in a few days._

She was sure he was handling himself as decently as he could. 

Besides he had other people he could call up, right? Magnus was close to Alec’s sister Isabelle for instance, in fact, he probably invited her over already or called her. 

Maybe she didn’t need to think about this too much since Magnus knew a lot of people. _Alec was the one who seemed more at risk right now. ._

Speaking of visiting Magnus at some point, she would definitely need someone to watch over Alec during her visits with Magnus. She could not leave Alec by himself. 

Now who could she contact? 

The wheels in her head started spinning…

_******_

_Meanwhile, at Magnus’s loft, Brooklyn_

** _Mood: Joy Division - New Dawn Fades_ **

The French doors leading to the balcony window were flung open, the curtains billowing wildly in the breeze. 

But it was actively raining, here in Brooklyn. The doors were supposed to be shut, but they weren’t.

Up in the stratosphere, dark grey thunderclouds defied the Heavens –the harmonious skies were no more

And with the drop in pressure, raindrops hurtled downward, wildly in all directions

Bringing with it all the desolateness and despair

As he sat in his armchair, hugging his knees to his chest, getting lost in the deluge

Pelting his face, like a thousand endless screams 

He lifted his face, accepting the stings that they brought forth.

Nothing could or would ever come close to what he's inflicted...

What used to make him feel like home, was no longer anything within reach.

_He'd brought all of that upon himself._

He still sat there, an hour later, who knows, maybe more, no longer feeling the harshness of the rain

Or how it soaked right through to his skin, or anything else, for that matter

He just let it all come down upon him.

Numb, not reacting, even as it bludgeoned like sharp needles.

He’s beyond cried out, with no more capacity to feel...

.....

_He would always be alone. And deservingly so. _

_...._

…Father, you should have left me to die. _I have nothing now_.

Oh yes -- he _did_ remember that small bit, despite his magic having depleted to zero – about his father choosing to spark him back to life –

_which hurt like a freakin bitch by the way_

He knew Asmodeus had done it for pure self-serving reasons, as his father had never completely given up his desire to have him rule in Edom with him

But even at his lowest of lows, that would truly never be something he would do

_If he was going to go, he would go on his own terms._

Anyway, he had to atone. He knew what he must do_…_

_That look on Alec’s face – no matter what he had said, even as he had turned back toward him, attempting to suggest that something someday might be possible_

_There was really no way anyone could come back from that._

Deep in his heart, he believed that.

Wholeheartedly…

……

It had been days since Magnus had last spoken or seen Catarina. The one person whom Magnus depended upon, the one that would normally be available to him, to lend an ear, to come for solace and comfort.

_And now, there was a conflict._

In fact, the last time Catarina was here, it was the day Alec walked out. She basically told him – as he faintly listened on, his mind too preoccupied with Alec’s sudden decision to leave – that she wasn’t certain about Alec’s mental state so she volunteered to have him stay with her. 

And of course she would be the one to offer that. Alec was technically her _patient_. And on some level, Magnus was glad that Alec had some place to go. But he couldn’t help feeling like well, now he was alone and didn’t have anyone at the moment. 

Raphael was away on some business, so he had not been reachable. And Isabelle, the one whom he might have reached out too, being that he really did consider her a close friend, was too close to Alec and their relationship – it just made him too uncomfortable to even contemplate. Not to mention having to break the news to her even in passing conversation would just make him shrivel and die inside. 

_Part of him didn’t want to admit it yet – then it would seem way too real._

And he was feeling all of this, intensely. The heartbreak, the loneliness, the abandonment. Ah, there was nothing he despised more than feeling sorry for himself. Or thinking irrational thoughts.

But he was. Doing all of the above. _And he hated it._

….

Magnus sat in his space, for what seemed the longest while.

He really wanted a drink…or hell, the whole bottle. Or two. Or four… 

_But he can’t_, He promised….

And so he won’t. But it was just so very hard…

Then he _sighed_, a sound that seemed to come from the _endless depths of his very soul_.

A sound of resignation.

Suddenly he bolted upwards, inspiration flowing through his veins, even as dread crept in, as often actions of last resort tend to do, especially when accompanied with contradictory feelings of potential regret and going against words of treasured words and loved ones…

_But none of that mattered anymore._ He knew what he must do.

…………………….

** _Mood: Joy Division: New Dawn Fades_ **

_Gold. Orange. Red –_

_Flames, dancing wildly– just out of reach – in his head…_

His heartbeat _thump-tha-thump-tha-thump_ in his chest. Evenly – nothing that betrayed his current sense of being nowhere. 

He is so, _so, so very oddly calm_, despite what he’s about to do…

He just doesn’t care anymore. Or – rather_, he cares,_ way too much, _that it hurts too damn much_

That he just shut it all off. God knows he could just collapse and his soul could die from the sheer _weight _of heartbreak alone

Knowing that he was the cause of all of this…

Hmm he was going to try something…for lack of anything else to do, for lack of anything else to fight for.

After all, he had _nothing _left.

Anyway -- whatever was left of himself, he knew who he was. He _was_ the son of the Prince of Hell, a Fallen Angel – _above all else._ Surely he could affect his own destiny…

The destiny that he_ deserved_. 

He muttered an incantation as he threw up wards in the loft. Satisfied that they would hold, he took a deep breath, hardening his heart, ignoring all the screams inside his head, telling him not to do it --

_I love you for all of eternity, Alexander, and I’m sorry._

He lay down on the rug in the living room, extending his arms out to the sides, and looked up at the ceiling. He willed his eyes to burn once again --- going from gold, to orange to Edomic fiery red -- visualizing flames, heat, and temperature rising about him – they slowly came forth around him…and soon it was getting slightly harder to breathe, as his chest started getting tight _– what he wanted was to get to that place that he did after he had saved Alec, his father really should have just let him die_, now it was going to be more excruciating, getting to that place on his own…

_If you love something, set it free_

That was best thing someone could do, _for the one that they love._

_Free…_

_Free…_

_His eyes fell shut, as he gave in to the sensations swirling around him. He winced against the heat, which was starting to get really stifling, --_

_The vision of Alec’s face swam behind his closed lids…_

_As the flames grew higher, higher…and the intensity of the heat threatened to just about to smother him completely –_

_…_

** _“MAGNUS! STOP IT, YOU FOOL! RIGHT THIS INSTANT!~!”_ **

_…Ragnor? his mind whispered, incredulously._

And then of a sudden –

The flames, the heat, red, orange, yellow – along with the fiery red eyes, suddenly lowered a notch…then another, then another…until he was heaving, all out of breath, his gold cat eyes normal and wide in shock, and he had the most sickening feeling in his gut…

_Bile rose in his throat, so fast, so sickeningly so --_

_OH SHIT HE WAS GOING TO –‘_

He frantically flung himself over, on his stomach – as contents spewed out from his stomach, out his mouth -- all over his living room rug

_Then –_

One last deep sigh, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he went limp from overexhaustion 

…Softly snoring.

_…_

_Rest now, Magnus. You’ve put yourself through too much, old friend.. Pshh always thinking you need to overcompensate for things. Well, ENOUGH. But rest, now. We will discuss this later…_

_(Voice fades)_

_…._

_…_

_..._

_..._

_..._

******************

_Catarina’s apartment_

Alec was sitting on the bed in his room at Catarina’s, reading a book that he had gotten off the shelf from the living room.

Suddenly he heard voices in the living room. Catarina’s voice was a bit faint but she sounded happy as she spoke with another person. Someone else must have come to visit. 

“Thank you so much for doing this. I really should go visit Magnus, and I hadn’t realized the conflict that I would get myself into. He’s in the bedroom down the hallway on the left. . I swear I owe you big!” she said. Then Alec heard the door close. 

Oh, so this was the person who was supposed to watch over him, since Catarina needed to go pay Magnus a visit. Catarina had told him that somehow would be coming.

In the next moment, Alec swore that he blinked once – and suddenly Raphael stood stiffly in the doorway of his room.

_What?_ She had enlisted Raphael to do this? _Of all people??_

For a moment, there was dead silence as he eyed Alec with his usual wary look. But then Alec noticed the trembling of his fingers.

Raphael – was nervous.

Alec furrowed his brows in sudden confusion as he racked his brain…was there ever a time where Raphael was nervous – around him?? Sullen, yes. Condescending, yes. But nervous? Never…

Not even when Alec had stomped into Raphael’s apartment and decked him in the face after finding Isabelle all laid up and strung out like some addict on his sofa.

His eyes happened to fall upon Raphael’s neck.

_OHHH –_

He suddenly realized _why _Raphael was nervous.

There were still lightish bruises around that area, the same size as the pads of his fingers – when he had nearly crushed his windpipe…

His thoughts flew back to weeks ago, when he had been laid up in the hospital bed.

He recalled he had been sitting up in bed the day following his freakout from the rebound vampire thing – at least that’s what he had called it in his head. He still did not understand what happened in the time between him being rescued from the Vampire den, on the edge of death, and then to the blood-red vampire eyes he had seen in the mirror earlier that morning. 

Izzy and Raphael had been outside the door of his hospital room. He watched them embrace, and then Izzy walked off – probably to go back to the Institute, as she had been by Alec’s besides for two days straight already and she needed to get back to being the Interim Head.

Raphael walked by the room, and peeked in through the window of the room. Raphael had visibly flinched upon seeing Alec awake and sitting up in bed. What Alec would never forget though, were the bruises on his throat – they had been very dark and visible.

Raphael had a pained expression on his face.

And according to Catarina, they had been inflicted upon Raphael – by Alec.

Alec swallowed hard. 

_Raphael wasn’t his favorite person by far_ _– well actually, he barely knew him at all – but he knew that Magnus saw him as a son. _

And despite the history with him, he was treating Isabelle well, judging from how happy she seemed every time she met up with him.

Even those their past had been rocky, Raphael hadn’t deserved what Alec had done to him -- not even inadvertently.

Taking a deep breath, he motioned to Raphael to come into the room. 

Raphael’s face was still stoic as he gave a stiff nod, but the hesitancy of his steps coming toward Alec were apparent.

He stopped a foot away from Alec’s bed. “I’m here to help Catarina,” he said stiffly. 

Then Raphael let out a sardonic laugh.

“Apparently – she’s caught up in an unfortunate situation that she had not foreseen,” he said “You are Catarina’s patient, but she is also papa’s longtime friend. That presented a conflict for her, since she needs to be there for both of you ---”

_“What?”_

Alec paled. He put Catarina in this situation? He never felt more horrible than he did right now. “She should never have offered for me to stay here,” he said plaintively. “It’s clear as day what she should have done. Magnus is her longtime friend, she should have chosen to be there for him. Not offer me a place to stay. I would have –”

“And, what is it, pray tell, that you would have done, Nephilim?” Raphael asked, raising an eyebrow. “She was supposed to just let you run – _again_? We saw what happened the first time around –”

Alec flinched at that, and looked away. Raphael paled, realizing his error. He had definitely gone too far…

“Alec…I’m sorry. I got carried away. I was just trying to make a point,” Raphael said, in a more gentler tone of voice. “Let me start again.”

He waited as Alec lifted his eyes to meet his. The expression in his eyes was terse, vulnerable, and lost.

This was not an expression he normally associated with Isabelle’s normally stern and stoic older brother, The Head of the New York Institute.

Raphael was thrown for a loop.

And then, Raphael felt a tug in his heart. 

Isabelle would so _break _if she knew how her brother was feeling right now. Again he felt the contradictory feelings of having not told her yet about what happened with Magnus and Alec – but he just didn’t think it was his place to be disclosing things. In time, either Alec or Magnus would tell her. 

That would be more fitting.

For now, his concern was for Alec.

Emotions were still very raw from him walking out on Magnus. He made a mental note that he had to tread lightly with him.

“No, she was there for you in the hospital, and swore she would be here for you now. You are in a very volatile and vulnerable state. She was not going to leave you alone. In fact, you are pretty much under what Mundane would call a ‘house arrest’ –”

“Uh, excuse me?” Alec was not familiar with that term.

“House arrest,” Raphael repeated. “Well, in a figurative sense. You are not allowed to leave Catarina’s for any reason. Whatever you need will be brought to you, upon request.”

Alec was stunned. But as he thought about it, the more he started to accept it. Where would he go anyway? And with what energy or motivation did he have to go about accomplishing the regular things that he used to do? 

He had no reserves of anything. He was just…_spent_.

“The key is to keep you safe, as per Catarina’s words,” Raphael said. 

“Unless she deems that you are safe – aka that she didn’t feel that you were a danger to yourself via self-infliction or the drive to throw yourself into any potentially life threatening situation – “

Raphael shook his head at that in exasperation.

“Basically, for some reason you have this underlying chronic _death wish_ that you keep on trying to perpetuate, for reasons I will never understand, you Nephlim are just plain incomprehensible at times ---” Raphael trailed off as he continued muttering in typical exasperated Raphael fashion, combined with expletives, pacing around back and forth, and rolling his eyes.

For some reason, Alec found it funny, and started laughing so hard he couldn’t stop.

Surprised, Raphael looked up at him. “What?” he asked, astounded at Alec’s reaction.

“Im sorry,” Alec gasped, once he managed to calm himself now. “Magnus has mentioned many a time where you would go off like this, and now I got to experience it firsthand…”

“Oh,” Raphael said slowly. _That idiota…_

Then he realized that Alec had mentioned Magnus by name, and had not become angry or upset while doing so.

He wondered if Alec had also realized that within himself.

He filed his thought away to ponder later on, as he hadn’t finished what he was saying, before this slight interruption.

“So anyway, to reiterate,” Raphael stated, “She tells me you shouldn’t be alone right now, while she went to see Magnus. So here I am.”

Alec had sufficiently calmed himself down from his unexpected outburst, and was himself again. He silently regarded Raphael. 

“Uh huh,” he said finally.

The vampire continued on.

“Look, we don’t exactly have the best of history with one another – but there was no way that I wish any ill will on you. Whatever happened back then, I totally deserved it. You, didn’t deserve anything that happened to you when you were out there, identity-less and powerless,” Raphael said solemnly, his blood red eyes boring into his.

Alec continued to look at him. The vampire was being…surprisingly empathetic. He hadn’t expected that from him.

For some reason, Alec’s mind was unable to reconcile it.

_And then -- he felt it._

His visage started to crack, just a little.

Tears filled his eyes. So much that he had lost, during those weeks…

“And I am so sorry,” Raphael whispered.

_He’s apologizing?_ Alec thought, surprised.

“For what?” Alec could barely get the words out.

Tears were threatening to spill, and he was trying to stifle sobs that were threatening to pour out. He looked away quickly.

Raphael’s voice was even lower now.

“I should have known something was up in the den. I smelled Nephilim immediately when I approached the den. But you just weren’t recognizable, at least by sight. Your hair, your eyes, your build – and you were just chained, and those vampires were feeding off you.”

“Then Michael came, appearing to claim you. And you smiled at him, like you had given up everything and belonged to him – and I swear, your smile triggered something, but ack, I still couldn’t place it! And then you spoke, and you sounded like you, but I still didn’t put two and two together. 

“When Catarina and Madzie tried to find you, and then we found out that was you in the den. 

“ I still hold such guilt for that, you have no idea. For me to have not even looked into it further…and then for Michael to do what he did to you, that by the time that Magnus and I arrived that day, you were minutes from dying or being taken by him – and it still remains this nightmare on loop running in my head,” Raphael said, the last few words coming out in torrents.

He shut his eyes, feeling disgraced.

“I knew there was a chance you might have developed that rebound condition because you had lost way too much blood in the den at the hands of Michael. But I had no idea how you would manifest – whether you would have your mental faculties around you, or if you would just go_ straight _into insanity. And I blamed myself for all of it…”

His hands flew to the bruises on his neck.

“And so when you finally woke, and I knew that the condition had taken hold, you had grabbed me by my windpipe, and I was going to let you crush me – I just couldn’t take the fact that I let down both you and Isabelle – that was my worst nightmare. I swore that after the yinfen incident, that I would never let her down again. And I did.” 

“And I also let you down too, Alec.” 

His voice had become very low, and he was now looking down at the floor. He sounded defeated.

Alec just stared at Raphael, emotions swirling within him, and threatening to overcome him. He wasn’t sure what to say. _Focus, Alec!_ he reprimanded himself. 

It was so damn hard for him to get his thoughts together as of late, especially in light of what happened between him and Magnus. But he really shouldn’t allow that to affect his interactions with others…

He finally cleared his throat. 

“I’ve heard that you have been accompanying Isabelle to her therapy sessions,” Alec said slowly.

Raphael looked up, surprised.

“Well, yes,” he admitted. “Isabelle wanted me to come with her to the sessions.”

“Have you told her what happened?” Alec asked carefully. “I mean, about you and Catarina finding me and Magnus in the bathroom at the loft –”

“No,” Raphael said quickly, in a firm tone. Alec hadn’t realized he was tense until he felt his shoulders sag in relief upon hearing Raphael’s response. “I haven’t. It’s not my story to tell. I’m not sure if it’s the best idea for her to hear about it from anyone other than you.”

Alec considered Raphael’s words. He did have a point there. He made a mental note to ask Catarina if Isabelle could come to visit.

“Last time, when she heard about the scissor incident at the hospital, she nearly had a breakdown and came to me,” Raphael confessed.

Alec just stared at Raphael.

“What?” Alec asked in shock. “A breakdown? Why?”

_Oh, because she gave you the scissors…_

“That wasn’t her fault! That was on me, completely on me!” Alec protested.

Raphael nodded. “I know. We know...but Isabelle was the one who handed you the scissors to keep with you, so she blames herself. And she came to me afterward, trying to beg for yinfen,” Raphael said.

Alec looked at Raphael in alarm. “She did?” he whispered.

Raphael shook his head. “Isabelle was absolutely devastated, Alec. She couldn’t believe she had inadvertently played a part in that. She wanted an escape. But I told her no. I couldn’t risk that again,” he said softly.

“By the angel, thank goodness,” Alec breathed. Wow, poor Izzy, he thought sadly. “Anyway, thank you for that.”

“No need to thank me, I was just being protective of Isabelle…” Raphael trailed off. The unspoken part of the sentence lingered in the air. Of course Isabelle was definitely at the center of all his intentions, but he also didn’t need to antagonize Alec or his family any further, given their less than ideal interactions in the past.

He looked thoughtfully at Raphael, as the events over the past few months ran through his head.

“You’re the one who found my stele, that I had dropped on the street,” he stated.

Raphael looked up, surprised. “How do you know that –

“Isabelle told Magnus you returned it to her, and then Magnus told me during one of his visits at the hospital,” he said.

“Ah,” Raphael said. 

A silence descended upon them.

“You know, if you never picked up the stele and returned it to Izzy, perhaps I would be dead, or drained and turned into a Vampire,” Alec said honestly. “So you did more than your share to save me.”

Raphael was still silent, yet his gaze became less guarded.

“In all fairness, I didn’t want to be found at the time, and I didn’t have it in me to fight. So when Michael took me, I came with him willingly into that den. And I just let him have his way with me,” Alec said.

“And no -- no deserves to have their windpipe crushed. No matter what they might think,” Alec said. “In fact, I’m sorry you had to endure that. I was shocked when I awakened finally and saw that my hand was around your throat”

A small smile played around Raphaels lips.

“You were pretty strong though,” he admitted. “I was plenty shocked. But at the same time, I had grudging admiration for you. Even as I was nearing the point of death...Yea, I'm weird."

Alec couldn't help chuckling. 

This was certainly a weird moment, Alec sharing a laugh with Raphael. 

They shared a look – it wasn’t quite a bonding moment, but it was more at ease than at any other time in their history.

….

“So,” Raphael said thoughtfully. “You are here, and not at Magnus’s. I’m assuming things aren’t going well with the both of you.”

Was this a conversation he wanted to be having with Raphael? Alec thought. He wasn’t sure. He was still sorting everything out himself.

“I walked out,” Alec admitted. “I needed some time. That was a lot to take in. Magnus told me everything.”

Part of him was still reeling from the fact that Magnus had not thought their relationship worthy enough to work through that unexpected occurrence, instead of what actually ended up happening with them ---

“He loves you, you know. Even if he had a fucked up way of showing it. Not that I would condone how he reacted by sending you back to the Institute, that was just shortsighted and unintentionally cruel –”

Alec winced.

“But,” Raphael continued hastily, “Magnus has this tendency to hurt himself, and to ruin situations for himself, by pushing away those that he loves – thinking that it is the best thing for everyone –”

“That’s exactly what he said,” Alec said in wonder. Again he thought how horrible it was, to have that level of self-loathing, to think people wouldn’t just stay, so better to push people away_ first_…

“And trust me, so many have taken advantage of his kindness and his generosity, and have not deserved him one bit. I’ve wanted to kill so many of them,” Raphael said seriously. “But I believe you may be the only one that I even consider somewhat worthy to be with him.”

“Wow,” Alec said after awhile. He just got…Raphael’s approval? That in itself was astounding, to say the least.

“So…it’s probably too soon to tell, since I’m sure too much has happened. But do you think there’s any way you guys can fix things?” Raphael asked. “Sorry, I don’t mean to pry . I just care about papa…”

Alec closed his eyes briefly. So much had happened. It was so hard for him to keep a level head right now. And yet…

“Magnus will always be a part of me,” he ventured finally. “Even though things do seem insurmountable right now, I guess I will have to keep thinking that. Honestly, I’m not sure how I would feel if he was no longer part of my life, in some way.”

Raphael nodded in understanding.

_********************_

_Magnus’s loft, an hour after he collapsed_

Feeling woozy, Magnus cracked open one eye, and found himself staring at the rug up close. Feeling disoriented, he blinked twice.

In fact, he was lying on the rug, belly down.

The soft skin of his cheek burned against its rough fibers, which stunk to high hell. He turned his head slightly, and recoiled.

What the hell was he lying in – a puddle of his own puke? _Lillith –!!!_

He started retching uncontrollably – leaping up in horror. He was fucking filthy, his hair, his clothing –

What day was it?

Morning? Afternoon? Evening?

_Did it even matter, anymore?_

He struggled to flick his wrist, and managed to clean himself up, the rug, and rid the room of stench.

Even that small movement seems to sap him of strength, and he just collapsed on the rug. 

Taking a small rest for the moment.

Listlessly his gold cat eyes felt heavy and unfocused, fluttered idly

Turning to his right, a blurry glance at the liquor cabinet makes his stomach turn yet again in disgust

_NO HE WAS NOT GOING TO GO THAT ROUTE AGAIN –_

He didn’t go through with what he had planned. That meant he was going to fight. As long as he thought there was still a chance to salvage whatever was left , he was not going to mess things up --

Shuddering, he took a deep breath to calm his insides. 

_But nothing he did could clear his head_ \---

…….

All he could think about was Alec yelling at him, _“_THAT’S _THE REASON WHY YOU THREW ME OUT?”_.

He had never seen Alec so angry before, at anyone. He was always the calm and collected type, even when angered at something or someone.

His beautiful hazel eyes – so wild, and lost, betrayed, hurt…all the things he thought he would never see in them

Lest have those emotions directed _at _him

But then there Alec was_, so angry_ at him. It had rendered him absolutely _speechless._

_But ---_

He had deserved _every last, heartshattering word_. His brain had it on loop at present, like some damning nightmare that would never end.

He regretted it_, regretted it_, regretted_ everything _– like nothing else he has ever felt – the pangs of regret cutting through his soul like a gaping wound that _kept_ reopening --

_He had regretted it --_ as soon as he had found out from Isabelle that Alec had never returned to the Institute that night after he had portaled him there. 

And he hadn’t _known_ that Alec had continued to place the blame upon himself – and his thinking that Magnus had seen him as defiled, and therefore and kicked him out –

His thoughts went back to the agony rune that had been inadvertently placed him by the Clave, when he and Valentine had switched bodies. 

Those 24 hours had been the trial from hell for him, as it drew forth every horrifying memory from him and kept playing it on some insane repeating loop. 

For Alec to run from everything, _as a last resort,_ and then to allow things to _just happen_ to him, _because he felt like he deserved it_ –

Alec had pretty much damned himself with the thought that he was defiled, and no one would want him anymore – voluntarily prolonging his own hell -- in his own way, due to that very miscommunication, that message of self-loathing and hatred had been played endlessly on loop –

_Until it burned right through to the core of his very being –_

_Until he wholeheartedly believed it._

_Until it nearly** broke** him._

And the responsibility of that – Magnus had to accept. 

And he did. 

He _does._

Alec had walked out on him -- _this time_, and he had every right to do so. 

And now all he felt – was this _gaping _sense of emptiness --

Like a part of him had been _ripped out_ from somewhere deep inside. 

So vast, that nothing seemed to be able to soothe this wound

_But…_

He had to be patient, even though it was literally _killing him_ from the inside out

These had to be according to Alec’s terms, when he was ready.

He had no right to lay claim to anything, anymore.

If there was even anything to claim when all was said and done

…

He didn’t know how long he had sat in his armchair, just staring at the same spot in the distance, his vision dulled with tears that had long dried up, fighting against the need to just have a drink, alternating with the desire to just _smash_ that liquor cabinet with all his magic

Or even to_ smash_ his own head against the damn wall, multiple times if needed --

Anything, just anything to _kill_ this pain inside of him –

_Ah old friend, it seems like you’ve seen better days, haven’t you…_

Magnus nearly jumped a foot in fright from where he was sitting, upon hearing the soothing familiar baritone yet again, which used to be his salvation ---

“…Ragnor?” he whispered.

“Right behind you, and yes you can see me this time – you do seem like you need it this time around. Especially after that ridiculous stunt you just pulled. Seriously, Magnus, that has got to be the absolute worst stunt you have ever attempted. Burning yourself alive. _REALLY_?”

Not believing it, but wanting to believe it at the same time, Magnus whirled around,

And just stared at the vision in front of him. _It was him._

The terrible hairstyle, that green skin, that oh so heartbreaking familiar twist of the lips into that smirk that was _so signature Ragnor_. 

That air about him – _so impossibly English, so impossibly elegant –so impossibly nurturing…_

He felt a tug in his heart, in his soul – and tears sprang into his eyes.

He was _stupefied, _still staring at the vision before him_._ The words just didn’t come. 

“H-How are you able to do that?” Magnus whispered, once he had found his voice again. 

“Never mind that, dear chap. You need me. It’s so blatantly clear. And…you haven’t answered my question.”

Furrowed brow, piercing eyes, and that laser focused gaze upon Magnus – the look that always set Magnus on edge, even when he was alive. He could never hide anything from Ragnor. 

That gaze – so direct, that it still shot through Magnus, piercing thorugh all the layers of artifice and amour –

Magnus stumbled back, overwhelmed by the sheer force of it --- with all the conflicting feelings within it. 

How was it – that Ragnor -- even when dead – was still able to affect him like this – after all this time?

“It was the best thing for everyone,” he said weakly, his gold cat eyes out, unable to sustain a glamour. Currently he was alternately in awe – and intimidated – with this man, despite having known him for centuries…

Ragnor sniffed, giving him a I-don’t-believe-the-stuff -that’s-coming-out-of-your-mouth, --do -you? type of look.

Magnus cowered. He knew he wasn’t fooling anyone. Defeated, he just shrugged helplessly.

Now Ragnor seemed to relax, and he gave Magnus an appraising look. 

“Now, we’re talking,” Ragnor said. “You don’t know what you are doing right now, or the direction you need to take. So, please please please for the love of Lillith, please refrain from doing anything rash – to yourself, for your own good – please think of yourself, your friends, and your Alec Lightwood –”

“But Alec isn’t my –”

“Oh bloody hell, stop that,” Ragnor said crossly. “He is as much yours as you are his. And even if things seem beyond hopelessness now, and yes you did do a number on him – and goddamn Magnus your sense of self-loathing really really messed up this time around – I really don’t think Alec can function without you, at least in the truest sense of what he is meant to be.” 

Ragnor fixed his direct gaze upon Magnus.

“Is any of this getting through in that head of yours?” he inquired mildly. “Or have I just wasted sufficient energy, time, and intellect giving out advice to someone who is just going to turn around, drink himself into a stupor like the last two times, and ending up even worse than you first started?”

He shook his hand ruefully.

“I do miss our meetings, our talks, our rambunctious debates. When we meet, I rather it be for good times, not to talk you out of walking right off a cliff. And I've done that twice now. Isn't once more than enough?” Ragnor inquired gently.

He took a deep breath.

“I know,” Magnus said in a small voice. _Ugh he was just horrible…_

“Okay, don’t go there. I know that look,” Ragnor interjected sternly. “I know you too well, Magnus. Do not go down that road. Do not engage that brain in _self-pity._"

Magnus’s eyes widened as Ragnor’s words registered.

“You have a right to want to regain what you once had, no matter how much you messed up. Never think that you don’t have the right. That would be incredibly self-defeating, and you couldn’t be more wrong in thinking that,” Ragnor stated firmly. “The love is there. You and Alec – there will be no one else for both of you. Right now you both have lost your way, badly. It will be up to the both of you, to figure out ways to get back to one another. No matter how hard it is, or how long it takes. But it cannot be one-sided, both of you will need to endure whatever it required to get through to each other.”

“No running away when it gets tough, no short-cuts or easy way out. It will require work, communication, even if it is hard to hear,” Ragnor concluded. 

Magnus had been listening intensely, his head tilted, as Ragnor spoke. 

“So, as they say,” Ragnor quipped. “It’s one thing to talk the talk. It’s another thing to walk it. You need to decide if you are ready to give it your all, even if there’s the chance that you guy have passed the point of no return, citing irreconcilable differences.” 

He nodded at Magnus. “Do you think your relationship and potential future with Alec is worth taking that chance?” he asked solemnly.

Magnus closed his eyes for a moment, as the waves of multiple emotions washed over him. 

He was so exhausted. He was so weary. And overwhelmed. 

But despite all of that, there was one thing he was absolute sure of.

“Yes, he is worth it. I am worth it. Well, at least I will work on the “me” part, that’s going to take some time. But Alec is more than worth it,” Magnus said just as solemnly.

Ragnor smiled then, a brilliant smile. 

Magnus nearly teared up as he saw that. God he missed his friend, so very much.

“Now that’s the Magnus I know and love,” he said jubilantly. “It’s not going to be easy. But a positive outlook is a very good start. Stay the course, old friend.”

“I will. I promise,” Magnus said. The words he spoke, felt like an oath he was making. It hung in the air like some contract, now firmly locked in place.

He felt like he could smile, for the first time in days. 

The two friends shared a serene smile – full of warmth, full of friendship. 

Full of hope.

……………………….

There was a knock on the door of the loft. Magnus turned to look in the direction of the sound, slightly jarred by the sudden unexpected sound.

Funny, no one usually knocked, Magnus thought. And he felt someone pass through the wards – so he knew it was someone he knew. He settled more comfortably in his armchair, feeling more lighthearted.

“Enter,” he said absentmindedly, waving his hand.

"Ah, there is she, always working so late at the hospital. Here, give this to that adorable little girl of hers --"

He turned to Ragnor, “Wait, how do you –”

But Ragnor was no longer there. But somehow there was a small warlock's children's book in his lap, the one that warlock kids would have in their libraries who were Madzie's age. 

His heart clenched for a moment, only for it to be displaced with gratitude in the next. 

His shoulders relaxed. He felt grateful, _so very grateful_ \---

_“Thank you, old friend,”_ he whispered into the air.

Catarina walked into the loft with an umbrella, holding a cute Madzie, outfitted in a purple rain slicker with unicorn boots, by the hand. 

“Magnus, I’m so sorry I didn’t’ stop by earlier,” she said hurriedly, “I couldn’t’ find –”

The words died in her throat as she fully took in the sight before her.

Magnus was sitting in the armchair in the living room, his hair was in disarray, he did not have any makeup on, and he looked weary. Yet his eyes were soft and bright – in a way it hadn’t been on the day Alec had walked out of the loft.

Also, some things in the living room was in disarray, and the French doors to the balcony were open, the floor was wet from the rain which had made it inside.

Immediately, Catarina brought Madzie to where Magnus was sitting. “Wait here, Madzie. Mama needs to do something,” she said. 

Madzie nodded, then proceeded to try to climb up on Magnus.

Magnus looked at her affectionately. “Hey, Sweetpea,” he said, folding her in his arms. “It’s nice to see you.” He kissed the top of her head.

Behind him, Magnus could hear Catarina commenting to herself on how wet the floor was in the loft, and then shutting of the French doors to keep the rain out. 

“Uncle Magnus,” she said, reaching up to touch his face. “You look sad. Also, Uncle Alec is living with us, and not here.”

Magnus couldn’t help but to flinch. Kids were notoriously blunt with their statements and so observant.

“Right,” Magnus managed with some difficulty. “Well, Uncle Alec needed some time to himself. Your uncle and I need to work some things out.”

Madzie looked at Magnus with some confusion, and her face fell. “Why aren’t you together? Do you not love Uncle Alec anymore?” she asked plaintively.

Ouch, that hurt. Badly.

Then Catarina was by Magnus’s side once more. “Madzie!” she admonished.

“It’s okay, dear Catarina,” Magnus murmured. 

He turned to Madzie. “We do,” he said simply. “We do love each other. Sometimes loving someone means to be patient and to try to work things out. Sometimes that means we need to give each other room to breathe. It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. I will always love your Uncle Alec.”

Catarina ventured closer, and stopped when she had reached Magnus. “Is everything alright?” she asked tentatively. “What happened here? Why were the doors open?” She looked at Magnus with a searching gaze.

Magnus swallowed hard. “I had a really bad episode,” he admitted quietly, and the expression in Catarina’s eyes turned to one of horror. “But – I got over it. I’m good, trust me. I had a little help.”

Catarina now just looked all sorts of confused. Magnus waved her concern away. “I’ll clue you in – in a little bit. Right now, I am so very glad you are both here,” he said, his voice genuine and heartfelt.

Catarina hugged him just then, and then he felt Madzie’s small arms try to envelop them both. 

Magnus smiled to himself, visualizing Ragnor in his head, and recalling what they had talked about. Again he said a silent thanks to him, wherever he was.

_He hoped he would see him again – someday._

"Oh," Magnus said, pulling away slightly, and passing the book along to Madzie. "This is for you, from an old friend, so to speak."

Madzie brightened. "Ragnor," the little girl enunicated.

Both Catarina and Magnus just stared at her. _Hard._

Had they ever spoken of Ragnor to her? _ Suddenly they couldn't recall, for the life of them..._

Madzie continued to hug the book to her chest, her eyes shining, still smiling widely.

_….._

“Alec, Raphael, we’re back,” Catarina called out, upon seeing both of them in the living room. It was later that evening, and they had just finished visiting with Magnus. Magnus would be okay, she decided after seeing him. It was apparent he had been thorugh a lot, but it turned out that Ragnor had appeared to him, which was a revelation in itself. 

She believed him though, as the words that Magnus had relayed to her about their conversation was exactly something that Ragnor would say, when alive. 

Alec and Raphael both stood up simultaneously from the couch. They had migrated to the couch shortly after their talk in the room, with Raphael relegating tales of his experiences with Magnus in the past. They had made him smile, sometimes wistfully. Raphael had even become more comfortable with Alec, to the point where he was teasing Alec about smiling while he was talking about Magnus. “See? You are still in love with him.”

Alec hadn’t been able to deny it. _He was, and he always would be._

“Thank you so much, Raphael, for this. I know this wasn’t what you were expecting to do, today. And, Magnus told me to tell you, hello. You should see him soon, he misses you,” Catarina said.

Raphael nodded, as he got up from his seat “Will do, Catarina. And this wasn’t so bad today. Alec and I got along just fine. Feel free to hit me up any time,” he said sincerely. He started to walk toward the door. Then he turned back, exchanging a meaningful look with Alec.

“I’ll be seeing you,” he said softly. Alec nodded, a small smile on his face.

Catarina regarded the exchange between them. Her heart filled with warmth upon seeing them. She was delighted upon seeing this unexpected occurrence.

“Catarina,” Alec said, “I was thinking that we should start sessions soon. I think I am ready. We need to start somewhere, right?”

He looked anxiously at Catarina. She smiled at him.

“Well, of course, Alec,” she said softly. “Let’s see in a few days – I still want to monitor you for a bit.” She started to take off her coat.

But Alec wasn’t finished. “Then,” he added slowly. “Maybe in a few weeks…” he began, but trailed off uncertainly.

Catarina turned, hearing the catch in his voice. “You mean, about Magnus?” she prodded.

Alec licked his lips. They were dry, and his heart was suddenly pounding in his chest. “Um, yea,” he managed. “Well, actually I’m not 100% sure yet, when. But, I…well, yea.”

He winced at how horrible it was coming out. Somehow, when it came to Magnus, he was finding it very difficult to formulate his thoughts.

Howvever, Catarina seemed nonplussed by his awkwardness. 

She broke into a huge smile.

“Well, that’s great, Alec,” she said. “The decision is ultimately yours. And don’t feel like, since you feel this way now, that you need to stick with it, if your feelings should change on the matter in the next few weeks.” She fixed her gaze on him. “The only way this can truly have a chance at working out between the both of you is if you are true to yourself and what you want. If you need more time to decide, then do it. There’s no hardfast rules here, only that you are comfortable with whatever we initiate toward your healing. Let’s work on you and your own healing first, Okay?” 

Her voice was gentle, reassuring, and without judgment.”

Alec exhaled slowly. “Okay,” he said nodding. “Oh, and I’d like Izzy to visit at some point. I need to talk, to her. Raphael suggested that I be the one to tell Izzy about all of this.”

Catarina nodded. “Sure, Alec. Just tell me when, and I will invite her over,” she said pleasantly. “Im glad you are feeling comfortable to be able to do all of this.”

“So am I,” Alec said, feeling relieved, his heart already a bit lighter than before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joy Division - New Dawn Fades  
[New Dawn Fades - video ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbeNRHtpgOk)


	18. Two Hearts, One Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec has been at Catarina's for three weeks now. 
> 
> He is having nightmares again...but they seem slightly different from before. He's glad that they aren't what they were before, but he doesn't remember them when he wakes up...
> 
> Meanwhile, Isabelle, while with Raphael, wonders how Magnus and Alec have been doing, meanwhile clueless about everything else that has been happening. Raphael, taking care of Isabelle, is laden with guilt at having to keep certain things from her.
> 
> One night, Alec's nightmares finally reveal themselves to him. Shocked, it prompts him into action...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is un-beta'd so I apologize for any errors...

_Heat._

_Suffocating._

_Fire. _

_Searing through Skin. _

_Skin Melting._

_Tears slipping down cheeks into one’s mouth. Salty tasting…_

_SCREAMING. _

_ENDLESS. SCREAMING --_

_…._

“ALEC..ALEC!!! WAKE UP, _PLEASE --!”_

Alec’s eyes flew open, gasping, as he bolted upright to a sitting position. As far as he could tell, he was still in the bed, at Catarina’s apartment. Wide-eyed and disoriented, he turned blindly toward the voice saying his name. 

Slowly he refocused himself. It was Catarina, with a hand on his forearm. She was sitting as far as she could, from his position in bed.

“Alec,” she said, her eyes empathetically gazing into his. “You were screaming in your sleep,” she said patiently. “I’m guessing you had a nightmare…again?”

“I…” Alec attempted to speak, but coughed instead. 

His throat felt dry and chafed, as if he had indeed been screaming all night. 

“I..I need water, please,” he rasped. “My throat is killing me –”

Catarina nodded, as she rose from the bed and walked out of the room.

Alec’s hand idly wandered to his face. It was wet. He turned to look at his pillow.

Damp. 

_He had been crying?_

…_Again?_

Like in the dream? _Like yesterday, and the day before?_ But he still hadn’t remembered what he was dreaming about! 

Just then, Catarina returned with a glass of water, which she carefully placed in Alec’s hands.

“T-thank you,” Alec whispered, bringing the glass to his lips and drinking it slowly. He felt instant relief. The cool liquid felt so good going down his throat. He was already finding it easier to swallow in general as he drank the rest of the glass. 

“So much better,” he said, as he handed the glass back to Catarina. She nodded as she took it and set it aside.

She sat back on the bed, and looked at him closely.

“Just muddled images again, and more like sensations?” she asked.

Alec nodded slowly. 

“Yea,” he said. “I really don’t know what to make of it. I was feeling all this heat, and fire, and it felt so confining and stuffy, I mean obviously I could breathe and all but it was still very suffocating, I guess according to dream logic, that is.” 

He huffed, running his hand through his hair.

“And I guess whatever it was, I must have been crying …” He gestured toward the damp pillow on the bed.

He trailed off. Ugh, that just sounded so stupid. He wasn’t making any sense. Argh…

Catarina, though, did not look perturbed at all by Alec’s admission and confusion. She just nodded her head. “It’s not uncommon for one to forget aspects of the dream, or the entire dream itself.”

She asked, “This was the same dream that has been persisting the last two nights?” 

Alec nodded. “Yea,” he said. “It had the same exact feel. I couldn’t remember what I saw or did those times either. But all those same sensations, and then I woke up crying both times too.”

There was a silence between them.

“Do you think it’s related to any of the nightmares you were having…before?” Catarina asked in a measured tone of voice. 

Alec inhaled sharply. 

Alec could feel Catarina’s eyes on him, awaiting his response.

He was grateful to her for not naming anything specific about _those_ nightmares he had been having when he was still over at the loft. That in itself could be triggering. 

During the first week, when he was here at Catarina’s, he did have one or two nights where he, although not remembering the details of the nightmare, had awoken in a cold sweat –

Thankfully, there were no more actual images of _him_, _his sickly sweet voice_ that alternately _disgusted_ him, yet _drew_ him in simultaneously --

_Or the actual events which occurred –_

But, basically just the feelings of unease, and fear, and disgust –

_All jumbled up –_

But at least they were not waking him up in the middle of the night anymore. 

But given the wrong type of triggers, and they just might start up again. 

Unfortunately, both Catarina and Alec did identify two unofficial triggers of those nightmares. – _the loft, and Magnus himself._

Those factors alone were not the ultimate reasons why Alec had left. It was because of what Magnus had kept from him, their breakdown in communication, which led to bad decisions -- ultimately putting him on this path. 

Anyway, things were really going in a bad way ever since he was discharged from the hospital. 

Regressing to old habits, developing nonproductive ones that only led to spiralling, and near rock-bottom... 

He wanted to believe that in some way, that despite that horrible brush with death, and then the intense effect it had on his psyche, that was now stopping his mind from bringing back the memories from the den, outright –

Because, as he recalled, he was still being assaulted by all – _the voice, the touch, the image of his face, the conflicting feelings of love and disgust _ – even up to the time when he had inadvertently sliced into his artery ---

Of course he knew that was wishful thinking, that those type of assaults upon his mind would disappear for good --

He knew that the memories would never truly disappear. Rather they were probably either displaced or pushed/buried further in the subconscious for now…

They would come back, find some way to catch up with him, and then _bite_ him in the ass, so to speak at some moment. 

Alec was sure of it. 

But for now, they seemed to be giving him a psychological break, as far as nightmares went. He was grateful for it, as it affected his mental state so much that he had actually attempted to stay up all night to avoid 

Catarina had even agreed upon not starting therapy in the interim, only because she had wanted Alec to heal from everything he had endured in the last few weeks –

Staying at the loft _had_ definitely triggered things…

Suddenly he felt a painful twinge in his heart. He winced, shutting his eyes reactively.

“Alec,” Catarina said, concerned, leaning in toward him. “Are you okay? You looked like you were in pain.”

Alec opened his eyes really wide, as he took a deep breath. 

“I’m okay,” he said, exhaling. “Just a twinge in my chest.”

“What do you think triggered that?” Catarina’s voice was steady as her gaze assessed Alec.

“I thought of the loft,” Alec said. “And…” He trailed off.

Catarina nodded understanding. Alec didn’t’ even to explain any further. He had thought of the loft, and obviously, thinking of the loft would lead to thoughts of Magnus. ‘

_Magnus, with whom his status was uncertain right now. _

_Magnus, friends with Catarina. _

And yet Catarina had made the decision to care for Alec during his time of need. Alec was all too aware the position Catarina was placed in, thanks to his previous talk with Raphael. 

He had initially been incredibly anxious about this. 

But in the end, it seemed like things had been resolved, as Raphael had been coming over more and more to hang out.

If someone last year had told Alec that he and Raphael would be talking side by side like friends, Alec would have given him one of his super-duper eyerolls.

But he had to admit, these past few weeks, as much as he needed time to himself, he also missed talking to people. 

Jace and Isabelle were advised to keep away for now. Although, well from Catarina had told him, when he had nearly died, the rune had stopped being muted, causing Jace to burst into the loft to confront them.

Catarina was great, but he also saw her as more of a mediator and his therapist. Even though Madzie came with that package –

His heart softened as he thought of the little girl. Without her, he didn’t know how he would have gotten through this whole thing. It was as if she knew exactly when to come running over to give him hugs. 

Or pick the right moment to say things like “Uncle Alec, you seem sad today. Do you want my teddy bear or a hug?”

Then small, loving arms would encircle him, and as much as she loved getting hugs from him – he truly relished the unconditional love and acceptance that her hugs presented to him.

_Kids._ They were just so _astute_ when it came to certain things.

He knew he was probably imagining these type of things, as it could have all just been very random. But all he knew, was that he had always felt a bond with this little girl, ever since he had rescued her from Iris Rouse a few months ago. 

And then he and Magnus became her uncles. 

In some small way, she was also a link to Magnus – even though he was not ready to acknowledge anything else regarding him. 

Perhaps that’s why he regarded her as incredibly special as well – besides her just being her awesome little self…

And then there was Raphael ---

This was new to him. 

More of a social contact, and somehow they had settled in to the point where they could sit next to one another and talk about almost everything. And yes, even once in awhile, Magnus. 

He still wasn’t sure how he felt about Magnus.

There were times when his thoughts would go back to that horrible night, where he had found out from Magnus the reason he was asked to leave the loft, and then the horrible argument they had afterwards, leading Alec to make the decision to walk out. 

Three weeks had gone by, with him staying at Catarina’s. 

There had been time to assess things. 

Now when he thought of Magnus -- 

That incident came up from time to time, which was highly unpleasant to be reminded of – but now he was also remembering how tentative Magnus had been around him. How Magnus tried to give him space. Helped him up from the floor when he had tripped that one night. 

How Magnus had saved his life – and then how he had died – twice, in order to save his life.

Whenever his thoughts wandered to that undeniable fact, he felt as if something slammed into his heart, making it hard to breathe.

He still had trouble reconciling the fact, that his magic – even more true to Magnus’s soul than his mind or heart – had instinctively done that, at the behest of Magnus’s own life.

That didn’t operate partly on guilt, did it?

He sighed. Certain things would probably never be answered in its entirety. 

So, in a way, didn’t he pose a danger to Magnus, himself, that his soul would react that way if Alec was in a life-threatening situation.

Why would someone even want to put themselves in a position like that, knowing that they could risk their own life if something were to go wrong?

Or maybe – Magnus had not realized the implications of this?

Maybe…now that he DID know – would that change Magnus’s feelings toward him?

Well, his brain thought, that would certainly solve the problem you’re having right now, wouldn’t it. After all, you walked out on him because you couldn’t decide how it made you feel, knowing what you know?

_Maybe it would be better if the decision was made for you –_

NO, Alec thought, hating his brain for playing devil’s advocate. Ugh he knew what a hypocrite he was being. 

This whole thing went further than just being black and white. 

That’s what made this whole thing so hard.

They were so far from being where they should be, even for Alec to decide whether they should try to get back to trying to repair whatever they had left –

Whether in terms of some sort of shaky friendship, or really trying to repair and get back whatever semblance of what they once had. 

All of this was way too much for Alec to contemplate at the moment --  
  


“Everything okay, Alec?” Catarina’s gentle tone of voice broke into Alec’s reverie.

_Oof,_ Alec had almost forgotten that Catarina was still next to him.

“Sorry,” Alec apologized awkwardly. “I was just thinking, and my thoughts ran away from me. It’s still hard for me to focus…”

Catarina smiled empathetically. “Well, that’s why I’m not pushing anything upon you,” she reminded him gently. “If we were to start, we would start with you, first. And then once there was progress with that, then we could think about how to supplement that.”

Alec nodded. “I know I keep saying this, Catarina,” he said. “But I am ever so grateful for everything you’ve done for me.” 

He took her hand, and squeezed it gently.

“Always,” Catarina said, squeezing his hand back in affection.

She was so glad that she could be here for him. The young man was in such need of help…

And, of course, she felt much better that she was able to keep an eye on him – for Magnus. 

Even if she had yet to verbalize this to her friend. They never spoke about Alec, whenever they had their meetups.

_Some things were just understood, even when left unsaid._

………………………….

Isabelle…was currently feeling out of sorts.

It was just a routine Tuesday. 

And as every Tuesday prior to this, she had been going to therapy as part of her rehabilitation program due to her addiction to yin fen. Raphael had picked her up in front of the Institute as he did every week, and they went for a quick breakfast at the café around the corner. 

And now they were sitting at their regular table, an espresso and a spinach croissant on a plate in front of her. Raphael just sat across from her, his hand cradling hers softly 

She didn’t know what she would have done all these months without Raphael here by her side to support her through all of this. Especially when she had _just_ stopped using, that had been really hard to handle. And Raphael would be there, with soft eyes, full of love, full of guilt – each and every time. 

Sometimes that guilt still lingered in his eyes when he looked at her.

At which point she would then fold him in her arms. She would feel him tremble as she held him close. His arms eventually snaked around her upper torso to embrace her just as tightly.

“What’s that look in your eyes, my love?” she asked softy. “I thought we were over this eons ago. You have nothing to feel guilty about, about the yin fen . After all, that was my doing. I held my bloody arm right under your face. It was too hard to resist…” 

Thanks to her therapy sessions, she had long accepted her role in all of this, and eventually she was able to push it all aside. But Raphael seemed to have a more difficult time in doing so

Not to mention -- the thing with Alec, where he was nearly strangled by him shortly after being admitted to the hospital. Raphael was in a daze for one or two weeks following that – coughing often, or his hand would just inadvertently fly to the site of those ugly bruises, which now seemed like they were permanent, as they had not faded away despite time. But then when Isabelle tried to broach the subject with him, he would just pale and turn away, muttering that he was fine. 

At first, she thought that he was pissed with Alec for inflicting those upon him. 

But he staunchly disagreed. 

“No, not even. That was something he couldn’t help. But I should have been able to predict it…”

Somehow Isabelle thought that perhaps Raphael still blamed himself for Alec’s condition and current state of physical and mental health. She would keep telling him in soft voices, that it was not his fault.

But he would just mutter something unintelligible, in his _very Raphael type of way,_ and then just turn away.

…..

Isabelle continued to assess Raphael. If he_ still_ had misgivings about the yin fen situation, then --

“No, that’s not it,” he said softly. “I’ve made progress and made my peace with the yin fen situation…as you have, _mi amor_. I believe we have both done very well thus far.”

He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it softly.

Isabelle smiled in relief. “I think we’ve come a long way too. I’m so glad,” she said softly.

They just sat there, gazing at one another for a moment.

Then something occurred to her. 

“But why the pensive face then?” she asked, knitting her brows together as she looked at Raphael. 

It just seemed like people were acting a bit weird as of late.

And actually now that she thought of it, Jace was very evasive when she had casually brought up Magnus and Alec in conversation the other day. 

“I just wonder how they are doing, you know?” she said.

Jace – whom she thought would be the first to wonder how they were doing as well – was noncommittal, his responses being along the lines of unintelligible grunts and responses like “They’re working things out; it’s best just to leave them be.” 

Isabelle just looked at him. “Jace, he’s your Parabatai,” she said slowly, “Don’t you care about how he’s doing?”

Jace’s heterochromatic eyes focused on her as soon as the words registered. 

“Of course I care. Believe me, it overwhelms me at times,” he said. And for a minute there was a glimpse of tortured emotions. But then he averted his eyes, and the moment was gone. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, and exhaled slowly.

“Alec and I came to an agreement,” he stated finally. “We decided to mute our rune while he and Magnus go through this. It won’t do either of us any good if we inadvertently distract one another while they are trying to work on things.”

Isabelle stared at him. “When did you speak to him?” she asked. She hadn’t had a chance to speak with him…

Jace seemed evasive. “It was after that first time, when he was first discharged. Remember I had gotten upset and rushed Magnus’s loft? I had still hated him then, and I didn’t want them to stay together,” he stated.

“Oh,” Isabelle said. Well, okay…She peered at him closely. “And you two talked and decided to on that at that time?””

Jace took out his seraph blade and started flipping it idly, standing against the wall. 

“Yea,” he said after awhile, in a gruff tone of voice. “It was actually at Alec’s request, since he had already muted his. Remember that’s why I didn’t even realize he had been discharged?”

A flash of pain crossed Jace’s face. Isabelle looked at him for a moment. 

Okay, she thought. There was no real reason to not believe him. Jace did look tortured. And of course he would be, since the parabatai connection was supposed to be free flowing between the pair, so that you were aware of where the other was at any given moment.

Still, Isabelle couldn’t help being inquisitive. She just missed her big brother terribly.

And Magnus…she wondered how Magnus was doing. 

She made a mental note to text him at some point this week, just to say she missed him.

Just because she couldn’t message Alec directly, it didn’t’ mean she couldn’t message Magnus, right?

Just to show him that she was thinking of him. 

If Magnus wanted to respond, then he could_. If and when he chose to._

She missed his friendship, easygoing conversation, his heartfelt talks. Well, obviously his letting go of Alec remained a very sore point between them.

But she knew that Magnus loved Alec more than anything.

She recalled how devastated he was to learn that he had not gone back into the Institute after having been sent back by Magnus. 

She knew -- that with everything Magnus did -- he had thought it was done with the best of intentions.

But unfortunately, things happened as they did – and she still was in the dark about what Alec actually went through during the time he was missing.

She wondered if he would_ ever_ tell her.

Because, for him to resort back to old practices and habits – that he would actually hurt himself with those scissors, and not care that someone saw him –

She suspected that he had regressed further back, and was going to require much more therapy and care than she wanted to admit to herself…

............

At that moment, while they were sitting in the café together, Isabelle had turned her head away while talking.

It was just as well, because Raphael’s eyes widened as she told him the situation about her conversation with Jace and her thoughts about everything.

Ugh, he thought, that was already a bit too much speculation on her part. He knew that she was the typical that wouldn’t let any lead go – she would just dig and dig and dig until she discovered what was going on.

How much longer did they have…before she discovered the thing about Alec? And what he had gone through? 

It was going to _shatter_ her heart – knowing that her brother had _wished_ for death, and that what he had experienced had driven him toward it. 

_And that he would have succeeded –_ if it hadn’t been for Magnus, who then pretty much traded his life for Alec’s. That was twice now…

Sheesh, he thought, getting slightly irritated at the thought of it. Magnus always knew how to care for everyone else besides himself. Never would he overuse his magic prior to the Lightwood Boy, he knew his own threshold.

But then again, both times had caught Magnus in unexpected situations. 

Raphael sighed. He was just so worried for Magnus though.

The message he had received this morning from Catarina, marked Urgent, had only said, “_Call me when you can. It’s about Magnus. Don’t worry, he’s fine now. But he wasn’t the other day. I’ll explain later.”_

It was currently burning a hole in his pocket. 

He was going to call Catarina as soon as he received the message, but then Isabelle had bounced out of the doors of the New York Institute, her eyes and smile bright. And thus he had just smiled back, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek, while pocketing his phone. There was time to contact Catarina later…

Isabelle squeezing his hand brought him back to reality. He glanced at her, mouth curving into a lopsided smile, even as his thoughts were racing.

Isabelle loved Alec fiercely, above everyone else. If she knew that he had done that to himself, she would just fall apart emotionally.

“Well?” Isabelle’s firm voice broke in his thoughts. He realized she was looking at him insistently, her hands on her hips.

“Oh, I was just thinking about Magnus,” he fibbed. “I was thinking that I had not seen him in awhile. I might stop by a bit later…”

Isabelle smiled. “Yea, that sounds like a great idea.” She bit her lip. “You’re lucky you can do that. Catarina had said that it was best if we give Alec space to sort out his relationship with Magnus, so she encouraged us to lay low for awhile.” 

She sighed. “I miss him though. I miss Magnus, too…” she said, trailing off. 

Her eyes held a lost look in them. 

Raphael turned away, the guilt starting to twist the insides of his stomach. 

He had just seen Alec – in fact, he was now his de facto sitter whenever Catarina was away visiting Magnus. What would Isabelle think, if she ever found that out? 

Or even worse, knowing that Alec had walked away from Magnus after the whole sordid truth had come out?

Did Isabelle even know the whole story of what actually happened between Alec and Magnus? Or what happened to Alec in the vampire den when he was forcibly held in captivity by Michael?

This whole situation was a huge mess – an unfortunate tragedy -- and somehow everyone around them had been affected by it in some way, or knew of things that the other didn’t. 

There was really no way that a situation this volatile could be sustained indefinitely. All it would take was someone or something being stretched beyond its capacity or limits, and the whole thing would just implode.

Which would indeed have dire, and perhaps even irrevocable consequences, for some _\-- if not everyone._

*******

_Two days later_

"_Hey, Magnus. Just seeing how you are doing. You haven't come by the Institute for awhile now. I had hoped that you would, and especially since no one is allowed to meet with Alec just yet during this time. Yea, I know the deal. No fire messages, and I know I'm not supposed to stop by the loft, and see you two, either. I just miss the both of you, well, you know -- him, of course. But also you. I consider us to be really good friends. I guess it's just been really odd not to see you around. Please message or give me a call -- Izzy."_

Ah, Izzy, Magnus thought, a small smile coming upon his face as he read the message on his phone. 

Isabelle Lightwood, the boisterous spitfire, and light of the Lightwood clan. As fierce as she was beautiful, she was as loyal of a friend from day one.

Also extremely protective of her older brother -- along with his relationship with Magnus. 

His smile faded. What would she even think of him, after becoming aware of what had occurred up to the present?

All everyone knew – well, with the exception of Jace -- was that Alec was discharged from the hospital into Magnus's care. 

But then miscommunication and misunderstandings air what Alec had endured just wreaked complete havoc. With certain issues not being been handled correctly in the past, had led to a complete breakdown -- not only in communication between Magnus and Alec -- but had also resulted in many unfortunate incidents on both ends. 

Ultimately it had resulted in Alec deciding he needed space away from Magnus. 

Now he was staying at Catarina's in the interim, while Magnus was living alone in the loft. It had been a few weeks since Alec had walked away from them, saying he needed space -- 

An action that admittedly Magnus himself was not handling too well. 

He missed Alec. _So much._ But he was trying his best to respect Alec, and his right to his feelings. 

They were valid after all…_heartbreakingly_ so.

At least in recent weeks, Catarina and Madzie had started visiting more regularly. So that had made him start to feel a bit better…

And Raphael had stopped by today.

In fact, Raphael was still here now, and they were talking, although there was still some silences in between. 

Meanwhile, Raphael was alternating between feeling awkward and feeling glad he was finally visiting with Magnus. 

He stole a furtive glance at Magnus, as he was fiddling with his earcuff. That was something he did whenever he was nervous, or he was having trouble saying something.

Raphael was glad he had finally come over. 

He also finally called Catarina a few days prior, who clued him in about Magnus's near miss self-inflicted situation from Catarina -- with Magnus's consent.

“Ay Dios Mio, Catarina! That _idiota_, that’s attempt number three now,” he muttered into the phone, before stringing out a whole bunch of Spanish expletives. 

“I’m partly to blame,” Catarina confessed, sounding abashed. “I didn’t think this arrangement through – I’m their mediator to an extent, since I was Alec’s nurse at the hospital…but then by inviting Alec to stay at my home, it made things more difficult since I did not see Magnus for the first week or so, since I was watching over Alec 

After that, he had cursed himself for not stopping by sooner. Then, he had meant to call Magnus to let me know he was coming by. But instead, his emotions got the better of him. Thus he spent a few days not being able to pick up the phone to even call Magnus, as he nearly had his own breakdown shortly after hanging up with Catarina.

Raphael was a champion at fronting. and everyone loved that the vampire with sardonic personality who would just go off muttering expletives under his breath. Throughout the years of his immortal life, he had found it a great way for him to deflect from things that he'd rather not address. 

But when it came to a select few, he couldn't even bring himself to do that. Isabelle, of course, fell within that category. Not just because of the guilt, with which he would agonize forever about formerly being addicted to her blood, but because of the depth of emotions he felt toward her.

And of course Magnus. The one he had loved before, as first as a potential, then as a father-figure. And in some way, he still saw him as such, as strange as it sounded. 

His saviour. His heart. His _papa_...

He just couldn't believe that _papa_ had gotten so low that he would do that to himself...

_It broke his heart._

Fortunately he had been able to collect himself enough, and decided he was going to stop by today. He was determined to see for himself how his long-time friend was doing.

And now, here they were, sitting across from one another in the loft.

Magnus was visibly surprised, but happy to see him. When he opened the door to him, the smile on his face was genuine and warm. But Raphael could tell he was tired...

No, more like weary, from what he had endured these past few weeks.

Raphael took a glance at him, feeling abashed for staying away for this long. He didn’t deserve Magnus’s friendship, ugh. “

“I just dropped Isabelle off at the therapist. I hope it’s okay that I came by, and that I’m not disturbing anything,” Raphael said hesitantly.

Magnus beamed, his eyes warm and bright. “No, not at all,” he said. “I’m so happy you did,_ hijo_ –"

Raphael had promised himself while on his way here, that he would remain calm and relaxed upon first seeing him, as he did not want to startle him too much after everything he had gone through. However, all that had immediately gone out the window as soon as he saw him

Uttering a soft cry of “_papa_”, Raphael suddenly found himself embracing Magnus, cheek against cheek. His eyes had widened as he realized he had gone back on his original intent of staying calm. His colliding into Magnus had elicited a soft “oof” from Magnus, but not in an unpleasant way, before Magnus’s arms reached around him, and hugged him back.

It was a weird, but not uncomfortable way to greet one another, as they stood in the doorway of the loft for those few moments.

“Thank you so much, _hijo,_” Magnus whispered into his ear, continuing to hug him. “I really needed this.”

Raphael had needed this as well – too much had been happening around them

Now, in the living room and sitting across from him, Raphael found himself observing both Magnus’s words as well as body language. 

He certainly didn’t miss how Magnus's smile froze on his face when he mentioned he had been with Alec when Catarina came to visit with Madzie.

"She had to, _papa_," Raphael replied softly. "She couldn't find anyone else at the time, and she knew she was overdue with paying you a visit. I mean, it's not exactly like you proved her wrong -- especially with what's been happening lately... Right?"

Magnus had just looked at the floor for a long while, his eyes burning a hole in the rug. 

Then he sighed. "Yea," he said resignedly. "I know. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m so sorry Raphael…”

Raphael felt a rush of empathy for Magnus. It was obvious how lonely he felt. He leaned in and put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m here for you, _papa_, never forget that. I mean, I’m babysitting Alec, that’s true,” he said, huffing out a laugh, “And I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but he’s not all that bad –”

Magnus’s eyes widened incredulous upon Raphael’s admission, which made Raphael laugh even harder.

“Yea, yea don’t rub it in,” Raphael said sardonically, wrinkling his nose. “Don’t make me regret having said it.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “But going back to what I was saying, my first priority is _you_. I loved you back then when you _first_ saved me, and you know how far i would go for you. Of course I love you, as much as ever before. _For always_,” he replied softly. “And please, do not do that to yourself ever again. I’m not sure I can survive another news flash like that again. Ay dios mio, papa…”

He shook his head.

Magnus sighed. 

“Yea, I know, I know,” he muttered. “At the time I really thought Alec would be better off without me, and I should just let him go, except…”

He trailed off, turning away from Raphael.

“Except that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Raphael said bluntly. 

Magnus turned to him in surprise. 

“He still loves you Magnus,” he said quietly. “I could tell when we were talking, and I brought you up. His face would initially be all stoic and then I would bring up some anecdote from the past with us in it, and suddenly his eyes would soften up and a smile would tug at his lips – only for him to quickly withdraw it, and the sad eyes would return.” 

He shook his head. “It was almost heartbreaking in a sense to watch him light up and be genuinely happy – but then remember the reality of things and then have to withdraw back into misery,” he said. 

Magnus just stared at him for a moment. “Well, that’s certainly news to me,” he said, sighing. “Well, you know what they say, sometimes you could love someone, but love just isn’t enough. Too much has happened. As it is, I’m not even sure he can even live here anymore. He was having nightmares when he was here last time. I’m sure that he doesn’t’ want to keep going through that,” he said.

He sighed heavily. “I mean I’m thrilled that it sounds like you two are getting along – that’s what I’ve always wanted for the both of you,” he said. “But, that’s between you two. And you just happened to see that side of him, and that’s great. But that doesn’t mean that he would ever reveal it to me, you know? Especially if right now, he can’t even stand to be in the same room as me…”

Magnus had gotten up from the couch and was pacing back and forth slowly, his fingers laced behind his back. He seemed to be lost in thought. “

I mean, who know?” he said softly, his shoulders slumping in defeat, “Maybe if we are lucky, we can eventually be friends.” A sad smile played around his lips. 

“I mean all these feelings for someone, doesn’t go away just like that. I guess after all the resentment is gone, when all things are said and done, and when the initial passion has faded to a dull ember -- maybe, just maybe…”

Magnus was now standing by the window, gazing out at the city landscape. “Maybe someday…”

He swallowed hard. 

It was the last thing he wanted to happen. His love for Alec would never die. 

He knew that.

But what was the point of loving someone who didn’t love you back? Or someone who couldn’t forgive you? 

_Or -- what if you couldn’t, in turn, forgive yourself?_

_*************************_

_Alec was walking. Walking away. As quickly as his feet could take it._

_He did not want to be where was right now.._

_Away..away…as far as he could._

_Anywhere but here…_

_ His head was spinning. He couldn’t look back. _

_He was not going to look back. \_

_There was nothing that could resolve this..._

_“You’re right, Alexander. You’re right. Nothing could solve this,” he suddenly heard a too-familiar, faraway voice said, as if defeated. “Nothing could solve this.”_

_“You deserve to be free…”_

_Alec froze in his tracks. His mouth had become dry. His heart suddenly beat a bit too erratically._

_He felt..apprehension. _

_Fear._

_“As they say,” the too-familiar, lilting voice said sadly. “When you love someone, set them free –”_

_“Free….”_

_For some reason, that word kept echoing within Alec’s soul, and it wouldn’t stop…_

_“Just remember -- I will never love anyone the way I love you. There will never be anyone else. B-But… y-you --”_

_The voice, choking by the last sentence, had seemed to be interrupted._

_Alec whirled around._

_In the distance, he saw – Magnus_

_Engulfed by flames. Ever rising. His eyes were not even gold, but tinged with fire –_

_He wasn’t even making a move to stop it. _

_Magnus was burning himself alive._

_Alec’s eyes widening. “No!” he started yelling, running toward him. Tears were streaming down his face._

_All Magnus did was to gaze upon him, smiling sadly._

_Alec started to choke. He was suffocating. He had to stop. And he did, bending over, coughing like crazy. He was able to breathe again. He looked up again, and continued to run in Magnus’s direction. Suddenly he felt flames surrounding him. _

_They were keeping him from Magnus!_

_Or was Magnus trying to keep him away?!!_

_The flames sunk into his flesh, first layer gone, going into the second. Then hitting the nerves. Alec heard screaming, the worst ever. _

_Then he realized, it was coming from himself. _

_He stopped. For some reason, the flames and burning had suddenly disappeared. His arms were fine. _

_His eyes, still wide with horror, suddenly snapped up to attention, his eyes honing in on Magnus. _

_He saw Magnus’s skin burn away._

_“No!” he screamed again, tears wildly slipping out from his eyes, down his face, and into his mouth – he nearly choked at the saltiness of it._

_“No, Stop! I love you, please! Stop this, you know you can!” he cried futilely. _

_He was too far from Magnus. To reach him! To make him see reason. Too far…!_

_“This is for the best. You’re free nn-ow…” the now weak voice uttered amidst the now towering wall of flames, as the voice ebbed away…_

_By the angel…NO! _

_…._

_His love…_

_….._

_…his life…_

_….._

_Alec couldn’t stop screaming…_

_…._

_****************_

Alec jerked upward, his eyes wide. Cold sweat covered his brow. 

The room was dark. It must have still been in the middle of the night. And…holy shit.

Was that what his dreams have been.,..all along?

He just sat there, _mind-blown about the visuals and dialogue flooding his mind right now._

_Magnus._

For the very first time in the last three weeks, he suddenly felt fear within his heart.

How was Magnus handling everything?

…and would Magnus even resort to something like this?

No, he wouldn’t, right? This was just his overactive mind doing things to him.

Especially after Catarina had told him that Magnus had overreached to save his life.

His mind suddenly flashed to the time where Magnus had told him about the events which led him to nearly take his own life at Blackfriar’s Bridge.

Suddenly he felt chills go down his spine. He shut his eyes, his breaths coming in fast as his heartbeat sped up.

…_Flames_…_first layer gone,…going into the second…._

His eyes flew open, frantically scanning his own arms. 

_No, no flames. No burned skin…_

His breath hitched.

And, suddenly, he felt his heart begin to tear. It hurt, so badly.

He needed to know…if Magnus was okay. He racked his brain. Had Catarina recommended against that? At this point?

….

He couldn’t remember. But all he knew was…he needed to do it.

…..

_For himself._

*************************

_Later that evening…_

Magnus’s phone was ringing. He glanced down at it briefly. He froze upon seeing the name.

_Alexander? _

His heart stopped. He closed his eyes briefly as he recalled that last, ugly, then tearful exchange that they had experienced a few weeks ago.

_“_ _THAT’S _ _THE REASON WHY YOU THREW ME OUT?” _

He shuddered. He still had nightmares since then, where Alec would throw that in his face. And he would wake up, his face wet with fresh tears. 

It made things so very hard for him. But he had to tough it out. He promised Ragnor.

No excuses, none whatsoever.

Why was Alec calling? He didn’t get it…

Magnus’s brows knitted together. 

And then his mouth suddenly went dry, as a realization formed in his mind --

Was it – to tell him that he just didn’t think things were salvageable anymore?

The very thought of hearing those words come out from Alec’s lips, his hazel eyes empty, or even worse, indifferent or disillusioned– which was another type of emotion entirely, as that showed that it was beyond any attempt to work things out – well, that just tore his heart open to bleed –

And yet, Ragnor’s words jumped out at him just then. 

_“ You need to decide if you are ready to give it your all, even if there’s the chance that you guy have passed the point of no return, citing irreconcilable differences.”_

Either way, whether this phone call was Alec calling to tell him that or not – it was literally out of his hands. Either way, even if this signaled the end – that Alec was going to say that he no longer wanted him. 

Or rather, that he couldn’t _allow _himself to want him, or to love him anymore --

_Magnus would need to accept it, and move on._

He inhaled sharply. 

Here goes nothing, he thought, as he pressed the Accept button. He suddenly had the biggest lump in his throat and found it hard to speak. 

“…Hey,” Magnus managed, his voice coming out uncertain. He gripped the receiver tightly, his knuckles turning white. His magic was so tightly wound up in his veins, he could feel it building up quickly and it was quickly getting uncomfortable. Stressful.

There was no response on the other line for a moment. Then there was rustling on the other end. And finally a “…Hey,” from a familiar voice, that made Magnus’s heart leap. 

His heart, his soul would have recognized that voice anywhere.

Magnus was suddenly so overcome with emotion, tears sprung into his eyes. He’d thought he had no more tears to cry anymore. But he was quickly being proven wrong…

At least he was being quiet. So Alec couldn’t hear over the phone. That’s the last thing he needed, for pity to be brought into this.

“Ah, give me a few moments, please. Do you mind holding on?” he whispered into the phone. “Is that okay?” 

_Lillith, his heart was already tearing itself open ---_

“Sure,” Alec’s voice said. 

And with that, Magnus clicked the Mute button, and collapsed into the chair, tears starting to slip down his cheeks, and his chest started to hurt as he started sobbing. He put his head in his hands, his body shaking.

He just needed these few moments, to clear his emotions. Before he could talk to Alec straight up. 

He couldn’t let Alec hear how weak he currently was…

All he needed was a moment.

………………….

On the other end, Alec frowned as he looked at the phone in his hand. Magnus had said he needed a moment. 

So he assumed that Magnus would put his phone on hold.

But he didn’t hear any click or the background being muted. 

Instead, it sounded like the phone had been put down. There was silence.

And then there was the indistinct sound of something – but Alec couldn’t figure out what it was. He brought the phone closer to his ear, and strained to listen more closely to it, his Nephilim hearing activated.

His eyes widened as he suddenly figured out what the sound was . Someone was sobbing. Pretty bad too. 

Alec’s initial thought was that this wasn’t a moment he was supposed to be listening in on, as these were generally private moments.

The next thought in his head just made him freeze, as the sounds became more distinct in his ears. 

Wait –

Was that Magnus sobbing? Was it?

Alec suddenly felt lightheaded, as the room around him seemed to disappear. Sounds reminiscent of a freight train rushed through his ears, and a heavy weight attempted to slowly crush his heart.

Angel, he thought, closing his eyes. His ears were ringing.

_Magnus was sobbing._

Alec felt like there were knives stabbing at his heart. 

Rationally, he knew he had no obligation to feel anything .

_He’s the one that messed up everything,_ his brain thought. _He betrayed the both of you. He did not trust you enough and believe in your love in order to overcome that whole, messed up situation…_

However, telling his heart that was a different story. It started to bleed upon hearing Magnus on the other line, who was unaware that he had not muted the phone, leaving his current state open for anyone to hear…

Alec shuddered, closing his eyes briefly.

_They were both, oh so very miserable at this moment. _

Even though Alec was not actively crying at this moment, he felt empty. Drained. Nearly devoid of any emotion since he had walked out those few weeks ago. 

And yet that dream from a few nights ago, which had prompted this phone call – it had been so vivid, and he had felt Magnus burn, burn until the pain was so searing even he had imagined feeling the fire burn through his own skin –

He gasped suddenly, as it had become so vivid within his imagination, startling him back to his senses. 

Shit. He did not want to relive that again…

Hence why he had called. He wanted to put that behind him. Even though this probably went against any sort of protocol – then again was there even any such thing as protocol in a situation like this? –

He just wanted…_no, he needed_…to at least hear that Magnus was okay. 

_Alive._

_As stupid as it sounded. _

He just needed to do this. 

And – he just realized. He had to speak at some point, right? It would be easier to just hang up, pretending that the phone had disconnected. And then neither one would speak of this again.

But, no. He couldn’t, he wouldn’t even think of doing that…

He took a deep breath, and was about to speak.

And then he heard rustling on the other side, as if someone moving closer to the phone. Then in one breath, Magnus’s horrified whisper.

“Fuck.”

Alec bit his lip, holding his breath, waiting for what was going to come next.

There was a ragged inhale of breath from the other line. And then a sigh of resignation.

Then…

_“Alexander?”_

In the softest, most defeated sounding voice one could ever hear from someone.

Like it was their last straw. Like they had all but given up, save for one last chance, grasping at straws as they may…

Alec winced at how desperate Magnus sounded. Lost. Hopeless. _God, his heart…_

He took another deep breath before speaking.

“Yea, it’s me,” he said gruffly.

There was silence on the other end. Then another sigh.

“Don’t tell me you were on the line the whole time…” Magnus’s voice was thin, and bordering on sounding devastated. But he also sounded…so lifeless.

_Resigned._

Alec realized that Magnus was being rhetorical with that statement he made. He _knew _Alec had heard. He knew he had inadvertently missed pressing the Mute Button.

“—anyway I didn’t mean for you to hear that. Lest you think it was a ploy for pity, I can assure you, that was it the complete opposite for that. As much as my actions have not exactly been up to par as far as being reliable goes, I assure you that I still have my integrity when it comes to matters like this –”

Alec had closed his eyes, leaning his head against his hand holding his phone, half listening to Magnus’s rambling. Magnus was doing that thing again, just rambling, trying to sound rational – like he was okay.

When it was clear that he was anything BUT okay at this point…

Alec did the only thing he knew to do, in order to snap Magnus out of this tirade…

Exhaling sharply, Alec spoke, firmly and deliberately, into the phone --

…..

** _“Magnus.”_ **

Magnus froze upon hearing his name spoken by Alec. He just remembered rambling, going along some train of thought --- but this just stopped him dead cold.

What had he just been saying? 

He just sat there for a moment, blankly.

Magnus still felt incredibly embarrassed about that misstep. And so incredibly ridiculous that he had been unable to hold in his emotions.

What a fucking mess he was…

No wonder Alec didn’t want to be with him. 

The self-hate shot out from the depths of his soul, and wrapped around his chafed heart, like layers of barbed wire, slowly tugging, edging open old scars to create new wounds that just left him gasping for breath right then and there…

Could anyone blame him for wanting for all of this to end. Yea, yea, Ragnor, I hear you. But it was just so freaking hard to keep one’s spirits up -- 

He couldn’t even retain his composure upon hearing Alec’s voice, and this was just _over_ the phone.

_So pathetic…_

“Magnus. Talk to me, are you okay?”

Was that Alec? Magnus thought faintly. Alec’s voice sounded far away. Not unkind, but far away. 

By now, Magnus had gone under layers and layers of self-pity by that point, he almost thought he imagined Alec’s voice coming through on the other line. Maybe Alec hadn’t said anything at all. 

Maybe it was his stupid, desperate heart wanting Alec to care for him, that his mind had completely made it up.

There was indeed nothing left. Nothing left to hide…

“What does it even matter?” he suddenly heard himself blurt out. 

His eyes widened. Wow, was that how he sounded these days? _That…bitter? That cold?_ _He hardly even recognized his own voice…_

He closed his eyes, as he leaned his head back against the couch. 

“What…does…it…even…matter…” he repeated aloud to himself, nearly in a long exhale of breath, then sighing at the end. 

Ugh, all of a sudden, he felt completely sapped of all energy. 

Mentally, anyway. His magic was still there, no danger in that going away.

But this mental anguish was literally _crushing _him.

Feeling the need to relax, he did just that, just breathing through his mouth for a few seconds.

He then closed his mouth after a moment, and just lay there, feeling the weight settle upon his heart and soul like someone condemned to endless torment, anguish, and despair.

Thoughts and visions and odd sounds filed his head and ears….he was just doomed to a never-ending cycle of this, and it was all his own doing…

He gave himself up to all the feelings…as the sounds got louder and louder in his ears, threatening to overcome him….

He had forgotten about the phone he was holding. 

The phone had slipped from his hand and was now on the couch next to him…

……………………

Again, Alec was extremely confused. Magnus didn’t sound very good.

And in fact, now he sounded like he had even forgotten he was even on the phone. ‘

The last thing he had heard Magnus say was “What…does…it…even…matter…” – 

Accompanied by a hefty sigh…as if he had just given up. On everything. 

Then there was silence. Too much silence.

By the Angel, Alec thought, his eyes growing wide, as his heartbeat started to beat erratically ---

What was Magnus doing on the other end right now? 

Was he even still on the other line? 

_Shit…!_

What should he do? Should he…try to message Catarina? Raphael? Somebody? Anybody?

His instincts were telling him this wasn’t looking good…

“Magnus!” he repeated, a bit more loudly into the phone. Then again. “MAGNUS!” Urgently. 

Wow, Alec hadn’t meant to yell into the phone. His voice was now trembling. 

He bit his lip. 

He was now extremely antsy and anxious, the blood beginning to boil in his veins, and behind his eyes. 

It was getting harder to even think rationally. 

All he could think about was that Magnus had not responded after a few minutes. 

And then the very _irrational_ part of his brain started playing images from that accursed dream again – that threatened to undo him, right then and there…

“_OH._ You’re still on the phone?” Magnus’s weak, resigned voice came through.

The sense of relief Alec felt, upon hearing that, was so palpable that he nearly _flinched_ from the shock of hearing his voice suddenly come through the phone again.

He mentally sent a message of thanks to whoever was listening up above, that Magnus was okay --and then spoke.

“Hey, thought I lost you,” he managed to say.

There was silence.

“…_But I did. Lose you_,” came the muffled reply, sounding dejected.

_More silence._

And Alec just stilled, his breath rattling in his chest. 

…

_FUCK. _

Alec felt a white heat behind his eyes. Shit, nothing prepared him to receive that answer.

His eyes went wide, and suddenly he was no longer capable of rational thought. 

He was rendered _speechless._

……

By then Magnus was practically incapable of speech himself. He just felt beyond drained.

And was he still on the phone? It seemed pointless. Pointless.

Why did Alec call him? To hear how desperate he was now? He really couldn’t admit to anything else.

For awhile, he just listened to slow breathing on the other end of the phone, his ear also happening to pick up strains of a song that was being played in the background on the other line. 

Alec was probably listening to some music playing in background as he was on the phone.

Then he heard it, a low, raspy voice – seemingly weak, starting to sing along – somewhat idly, almost as if the person himself hadn’t been aware he had started to do so. 

Magnus’s breath caught. Alec was singing to himself…

It was one of their favorite songs, one of a few that they would put on and listen to together after being intimate, while lounging in bed together during lazy days... 

_If we'd go again_

_All the way from the start_ _  
  
_

_I would try to change  
Things that killed our love_

_Your pride has built a wall,_

_So strong_

_That I can't get through  
_ _  
Is there really no chance  
To start once again  
  
I'm loving you_

Somehow it resonated somewhere within Magnus’s heart – his soul started singing along despite himself, while listening to Alec attempt the words.

As he was so used to doing whenever they were together in the past –

_Two hearts, one love…_

The way Alec’s voice snagged during certain parts of the verse almost seemed heartbreaking.

Magnus closed his eyes, sighing. This was just too much for him…

Then he heard a nearly imperceptible sigh on the other line, as the last line was spoken. Or rather, whispered in the all too familiar voice – the voice that could ultimately tear Magnus’s heart to pieces and make it bleed over and over again.

Magnus’s eyes felt shut as he dipped his head, trying to quell the rage of emotions within him. He breathed deeply to regain control.

There was a weak huff from the other line. “That’s certainly a familiar tune, isn’t it?”

Magnus furrowed his brows. Was Alec attempting to make idle conversation? He wasn’t sure what to make of it.

Regardless, he wasn’t sure if he could handle this _– idle conversation_ – right now. It was pretty much killing him just to be on the phone with him right now, especially with these pauses and silence that were threatening to undo him bit by bit…

Eventually, somehow, somehow Magnus found the voice to speak.. 

“Why did you call me, Alec?” he managed to say. It came out more abruptly than he had intended.

And then he heard the sharp inhale of breath on the other end. 

Magnus suddenly realized what he had said. “I meant, Alexander. Sorry,” he said hastily, apologetically. “…my mind’s not all here, really,”

He heard another sigh on the other end. 

“I-I just wanted to make sure you were alright,” Alec said in a low tone of voice.

“I’m…not? But thanks for asking, I guess?” Magnus said truthfully.

There was more silence. It was so deafening, Magnus nearly couldn’t’ take it – his brain was _screaming_. He suddenly needed to get off right away ---

“Uh, no offense, Alexander,” he said, trying to keep his voice even, “I don’t know if I’m in the mood to chat right now. It’s not you –” Well, it kinda was, but he hoped Alec understood what he meant. This was just too much for him to take right now. “

“In fact, I really –”

“I dreamt that you burst into flames and died,” Alec choked.

Magnus stilled. His heart stuttered. _W-What?_

“And I couldn’t do anything and I had to watch you burn, and for some reason I felt it too. The heat from the fire, searing past the upper layers of the skin, then down into the nerves – which is where it really started hurting…” 

Alec had stopped talking at this point . There was only mild static on the line.

Magnus’s brows knitted together inquisitively. What was going on? he wondered.

He heard some coughing, and one or two sniffles, and then the sound of a throat being cleared .

“Sorry about that,” Alec said gruffly, his voice now a bit more raspy than before, followed by a sigh. “I-It just bothered me. A lot.”

“Well,” Magnus managed to say, with great difficulty, “It certainly sounds far from pleasant –"

_That was the understatement of the year...especially when one almost succeeded at the attempt._

_But how had Alec sensed that--?_

“You know, I felt it when you died, Magnus. Shortly after you saved me after I sliced through my arm and blacked out,” Alec blurted out.

Magnus’s eyes widened. 

“It felt like your whole essence shut off,” Alec said in a dull sounding voice. “Like everything had ceased to exist or to have meaningful.” There was a pause. And then Magnus heard Alec say, “It was probably the worst feeling I ever had in my life. To know that you kept me from falling toward the light – but then in doing so you had snuffed out yours…”

“And I know I’ve had my nightmares about “_those times”_, Alec said slowly, choking slightly on the words “those times” as if he didn’t even want to bring them to light, “But then compared to the ones I’ve been having recently, about you dying – it doesn’t even begin to _compare_. I wake up and the pillow is wet, as are my cheeks, streaked with tears, and my heart feels like it’s _dying_.”

There was silence following Alec’s last words. 

Magnus was shocked. He still couldn’t believe that Alec had felt all of that…himself dying, Magnus healing him – then Magnus’s overuse of magic, which had sent him straight to that _in-between_ place…

“You know,” Alec said, almost in a tortured whisper, as if confiding a secret, “No matter what we are going through or not going through right now, the problems that may or may not ever be fixed, or even whether we could ever get back the love that we had to some degree...But if I just were to lose you _completely_, like in those dreams, and thus lose whatever chance there might have been to figure things out -- I am not entirely sure that I could _survive_ it.”

His confession slammed into Magnus’s heart like a mack truck. His gold eyes blazed, as he swallowed hard.

_He hadn’t expected to hear that. _He couldn’t even find the words to speak.

In the background, the last notes of their song faded away as it ended. 

....

And then it was quiet once more between them, except for their alternating breaths on the end of each line.

...

_Two hearts, one love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Scorpions - Still Loving You (VIDEO) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=it9bXaOYqVE)
> 
> _Time, it needs time_  
_To win back your love again_  
_I will be there_
> 
> _I will be there_  
_Love, only love  
Can bring back your love someday_  
_I will be there  
I will be there_
> 
> _Fight, babe, I'll fight_  
_To win back your love again_  
_I will be there  
I will be there_
> 
> _Love, only love_  
_Can break down the wall someday_  
_I will be there  
I will be there_
> 
> _If we'd go again  
All the way from the start  
I would try to change  
Things that killed our love_  
_Your pride has built a wall_  
_so strong_  
_That I can't get through_
> 
> _Is there really no chance_  
_To start once again_  
_I'm loving you_


	19. To Face One's Worst Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Catarina discuss the phone call Alec made to Magnus the other night. 
> 
> Madzie surprisingly helps Alec to realize some truths...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs used to inspire the writing in this chapter
> 
> BURN - The Cure (intro of the fic)
> 
> A Million Little Pieces - Placebo (most of the fic, especially the emotional rollercoaster parts)
> 
> Running Up That Hill - Placebo (parts here and there, during serious parts)

_“Don’t look don’t look” the shadows breathe_

_Whispering me away from you_

_“Don’t wake at night to watch him sleep_

_You know that you will always lose_

_This trembling_

_Adored_

_Tousled bird mad boy_

_But every night I burn_

_But every night I call your name_

_Every night I burn_

_Every night I fall again_

_“Oh don’t talk of love” the shadows purr_

_Murmuring me away from you_

_“Don’t talk of worlds that never were_

_The end is all that’s ever true_

_There’s nothing you can ever say_

_Nothing you can ever do… ”_

_Still every night I burn_

_Every night I scream your name_

_Every night I burn_

_Every night the dream’s the same_

_Every night I burn_

_Waiting for my only friend_

_Every night I burn_

_Waiting for the world to end” _

\--_ The Cure "Burn"_

_….._

Behind closed lids, the dawn’s morning light suddenly screamed into Magnus’s consciousness, making him bolt upright in bed. 

Oof, was it morning already? Felt like he barely slept. 

But then again, it seemed to be the norm for the past few months, so not really a surprise…

He shifted his body and he sat up a bit more forward in bed, his knees folded up to his chest. Taking a deep breath, he stretched out both arms, laying them delicately on top of his knees. 

He sighed, as he sat there for a few minutes, last night’s events flitting through his mind.

Had it been a dream? He had actually been on the phone with Alec yesterday. 

Well, it hadn’t really been an_ actual_ phone conversation – more like Alec called, and they took turns edging some conversation that ended up not happening on either of their ends --

_Instead…_

Magnus had nearly broken down while on the phone, while Alec, after attempting to make small talk, finally blurted out the reason why he called. Magnus shivered as he remembered what Alec had told him, in painstaking detail. 

It almost resembled what he came _thisclose_ to doing a few weeks ago…

The coincidence was too uncanny. How --?

Well – at least Alec had thought to call. That was better than nothing, right?

Even if Magnus had not been completely ready for it emotionally – at least it wasn’t like Alec was avoiding him outright. 

Although Magnus wasn’t sure if Catarina would have sanctioned a phone call this early on.

He was sure that Catarina had not known ahead of time that Alec was going to call.

_Wonder what her opinion would have been about it?_ he mused.

Anyway, he wasn’t sure how he felt this morning. 

_Relieved? Empty? Unsettled?_

Hm, perhaps he felt a mix of all three, he decided.

His stomach growled just then. 

He suddenly realized he had not eaten much in days.

Something definitely demanded priority right now. 

Stretching his arms up as far as he was able to, and working out a crick in his neck, he slowly got up out of bed. He went to get his robe which was hanging behind the door, and walked out to the breakfast nook, which had his coffee cup on the table.

It was pristine, and one would never have known that he had crushed it weeks ago while sitting across from Alec, while his feelings had been on edge.

Now he stared at the cup sitting on the table.

_A place setting, only for one._

He shuddered inwardly. He took deep breaths, trying to bring himself out of those feelings.

Well, maybe this was an improvement, despite things.

A few days ago, he couldn’t even make it out of his bedroom until the evening. Today, it was still morning. 

_Thank goodness for small blessings…_

………………

Meanwhile, at Catarina’s apartment, Catarina just stared at Alec , her dark eyes wide. 

“Wait, you did _what?”_ she asked. 

They were both in Alec’s bedroom, sitting on Alec’s bed, talking. Right now she was trying her best to keep her voice level and controlled. 

Yea, easy to do, as one’s brain was _screaming…._

_MAGNUSMAGNUSMAGNUS flashed in her head --_

_…NEEDTOCALLHIM – NOW! _Her heart was beating a zillion miles a minute.

But she had to focus, and get the story out from Alec. 

Her hand, however, was betraying her composure, having already shoved itself in her pockets, where her phone was kept. 

She shut her eyes for a second, taking deep breaths, even as her hand kept a death grip around her phone.

She levelled a look at Alec, who had almost a clueless look upon his face. It was almost infuriating, if she was being honest with herself. _He really should have known better! _

But in light of everything he’d gone through – ugh, she had to look past this…

She sighed heavily. 

“Okay, tell me again. What did you do?” she repeated.

“Uh…I called – Magnus?” Alec stated, a bit uncertainly. 

Hmm, she didn’t seem too happy, he thought. But then again, it was probably not the smartest move, given how awkward it had been last night. 

“And…_why _did you call him?”

“Because of the dream,” Alec mumbled. “It woke me up in the middle of the night, and it was so distinct and unsettling, I just had to call him.”

He could feel Catarina’s searing gaze upon him. “You remembered the dream, this time?” she asked carefully.

“…Yea,” he mumbled, not looking at her.

There was silence.

“Are you able to tell me what you saw?” she asked after awhile.

Alec slowly told her.

Catarina’s brows had knitted together, and she was shaking her head. 

“I’m not sure what’s going on with you two,” she breathed. “Do you guys have some sort of psychic thing going, or what? First you were kinda able to pull him out from that limbo place, with his power fully restored, when you had stayed over to hold his hand…and now _this_ –”

“What do you mean? Psychic?” Alec interjected, confused. “I don’t think so –”

“You said you dreamt that Magnus slowly burned and died, with his flesh melting away layer by layer,” she said slowly.

Catarina’s face had gone deathly pale.

“Uh, yea?” Alec stated.

What was she getting at? 

She stared at him. “How much did you tell him about what you saw?” she asked pointedly.

“Uh, _all_ of it?” Alec said slowly.

_WHAT?! WHAT WHAT WHAT! --!!!!_

“_Lillith_,” she gasped. “Hold on…”

Quickly, she took out her phone, and punched in a few numbers rapidly, shaking her head furiously, and her hands shaking as she did so.. Just then Alec noticed that a vein by her temple was throbbing, with sparks along the edges. 

Whatever was going on, she was stressed. 

_Worried…_

“Magnus?” she said tensely into the phone. "...Ohh, you're _actually_ there. So sorry to wake you this early. I just wanted to ---”

“Ah, you are actually having breakfast right now? Oh wow, don’t let me disturb you. You haven’t gotten up this early in awhile, from what you told me,” she said, her voice a bit more cheerful now. 

Alec noticed her shoulders slumping in relief. 

He turned away from the rest of the conversation, feeling off-balance, his thoughts making his stomach twist inwardly.

Soon Catarina had hung up, and put her phone away. She seemed a bit spaced out, looking unfocused in front of her.

Alec looked at her curiously. 

She turned around slowly to face him, as if having felt his eyes on her.

“Magnus…is doing okay,” she said, her eyes and facial expression displaying relief. 

“Why wouldn’t he be?” Alec asked. “I mean, it was weird when we were on the phone yesterday, and there were some moments, but toward the end we had left the conversation in a civil manner, with no high emotions attached…” 

He trailed off. “And what did you mean by ‘psychic’?” he said, suddenly fixated on that word. 

Catarina looked at him.

“You’re intelligent,” she said bluntly. “What did you think it meant?” I mean, you felt like he saved you, and _then_ you felt him _die_…”

Alec looked away, the wheels turning in his head. Suddenly the reality of things reared its ugly head, and _smacked_ him in the face.

_WAIT --_

_NO, THAT COULDN’T HAVE BEEN RIGHT –_

_Magnus would have told me, wouldn’t he?_ he thought, his mind racing.

_Then again, had Magnus even sounded like he was in any shape to take the phone call last night?_ his brain snarked back at him. _You forced that damn call onto him. He was barely holding it together…_

Alec looked up at Catarina with wide eyes. 

“He-he..didn’t really do that…did he?” he whispered.

“He got as far as chanting the spell. But the flames didn’t touch his skin. He – uh, he stopped _himself. _They nearly did… Catarina whispered. 

They just looked at one another, Alec with a horrified expression on his face, Catarina with a sorrowful look on her face.

“In the dream, he said he wanted to set me free,” Alec whispered.

Catarina nodded. “Well that would certainly solve some problems, wouldn’t it?” she asked, her voice dripping with irony. 

She was playing devil’s advocate right now. 

Alec suddenly hated her for it.

He eyed her warily.

“I know what you are doing right now. Just…don’t. This isn’t a matter to take lightly,” he said, gritting his teeth.

He did not feel like getting into this now.

“I’m not taking it lightly,” Catarina stated. “I was trying to get you to see how Magnus might have felt once you unburdened all that onto him. Did you expect him to be able to take that all in just like that, considering the type of moods that he gets into, and the fact that he is very similar to you with how he copes?”

“What do you mean by that?” Alec said.

Magnus never cut himself, Magnus didn’t try to kill himself –

Wait, he had completely forgotten about the incident with him and Blackfriars _Bridge…_

_If he had done that before, then the other things -- ???_

“Magnus cuts himself, too?” he asked, growing horrified at the prospect. 

Memories of him presenting the plastic knife to Magnus, and showing him his scars, and then the imagined visual of Magnus finding Alec on the floor, twisted, useless, with his arm torn out, while surrounded by bloody shards of glass threatened to consume him…

“No, he doesn’t,” she said finally.

Silence lingered in the air. 

“At least…I didn’t think so…” she murmured. There was an odd edge to Catarina’s tone of voice that made Alec’s blood run cold. 

“What do you mean by that?” Alec managed to ask.

Catarina was silent.

_Shit,_ Alec thought. That was answer enough. _ …_

Then she took a deep breath.

“It’s not my place to divulge someone’s confidential information. I think he has to tell you about that himself,” she stated finally.

Alec put his head in his hands, closing his eyes, breathing shallowly through his mouth. 

Catarina must be really upset with him. She was rarely evasive during their conversations. She would usually be using a point as a teaching opportunity, or saying words of reassurance – but her being evasive…

The fact that he might have upset her – was making him feel guilty and horrible, and threatening to send him into a mini panic attack. 

“I-I’m sorry,” he said, in-between breaths, feeling his heart tear apart slowly as he uttered the words.

At the moment he felt like he was not only apologizing to Catarina, but also to Magnus on some level…and even to himself --

Well, at least to the more sensible part of himself.

The one who would not have called Magnus on a whim.

The one who should have called Catarina, before reaching for the phone.

The part of himself – that just seemed to be in such short supply at the moment.

Truth is, he hasn’t seen this part of himself in a long, long time –

\--What would it take to get him –_ that_ Alec – back?

See,_ that_ Alec – desperately wanted things to be better –

For the whole situation to be better.

_That _Alec happened to miss Magnus terribly, wanted him back in his life, _despite everything_

But, he himself didn’t know how even to begin doing that…

To even start on that path back to where he used to be –

It meant he would have to revisit the things that hurt him

_That particular individual --_

_The one that kept him, hurt him, and took advantage of him --_

_Hurt him to the point where he didn’t even recognize himself –_

And he wasn’t sure if he was brave enough to tread through the murkiness just yet.

In fact, just thinking about –_ those times _– it just made his head throb.

Then he would just pray for the pain to go away –

And the only way that the pain would go away -mentally – would be to consciously will those thoughts away…

And so far he has been able to do so.

But what if he kept dwelling upon them -- _as talking them out would surely do --_

He had worked so hard to keep them away –

Well, if he was being completely honest with himself, he pretty much was_ avoiding_ the topic altogether...

\-- pretty much why he's avoided the topic of therapy the last few times Catarina had brought it up ---

If all to it were to come back, would they haunt his dreams and his very soul again?

Alec shuddered, as he recalled how that had turned out for him –

He had only started to bounce back from it, even if it was on a superficial level for now – as in the nightmares _not_ haunting him every night, or having_ those_ urges he felt _compelled _to satisfy…

No, he didn’t feel like doing those things anymore – right now.

But he knew, realistically, for him to completely heal from this, he would have to undergo therapy, and confront those _inner_ demons from within him ---

Those forces from within him – rising and raging and spiraling out of control –

Assaulting his body, mind, and soul, being _pummeled_ from all directions imaginable

He just didn’t’ know if he could take it –

He didn’t want it to get to the point where he could visualize it, feel it that intensely again –

_(as if it was happening for real – AGAIN)_

Or to hear that hypnotic, sweet, sickening voice that was as _repulsive_ as it was _reassuring _–

He didn’t want to get sucked up into it again –

_I own you, he had said at one point.._

And at that point _– at the lowest of his lows_ – Alec had truly believed that no one would come rescue him, that he would never see the light of day again ---

And all his reserves had fallen apart – the last of his core shattered -- _broken_ \-- absolute surrender, body and soul ---

_Angel, he had to stop thinking about it. NOW._

_Or else it would all come back…_

He wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to withstand it, to fight –

If all of that was triggered again into the open –

Why couldn’t things just stay the way that they were? At least this way there was some semblance of inner peace…

_…even if it was partially based on a lie…_

He knew it was not productive or conducive to healing to think that way.

But he just couldn’t help it.

He was just…_so scared._

_Sigh…_

_……….._

“Alec.” Catarina’s voice broke into his thoughts.

He looked at her blankly. 

For some reason, Catarina seemed to have the power to do that, break into his thoughts – especially these very nonproductive ones threatening to evolve into mentally draining and damaging looping mantras in his head ---

“What were we talking about?” he said, continuing to draw a blank, as he looked at her. They were talking about something, right?

Catarina gave him a strange look. “No, I hadn’t asked anything of you,” she said. “Are you feeling okay?”

Alec closed his eyes. “I thought I was. I’m not so sure, again,” he said. He exhaled slowly, concentrating on the effort. 

_10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2..1…_

_Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat. _

_Yes, this was working. Heart seemed to be coming down a bit more easily._

Alec exhaled again, slowly and controlled again.

“Oh, right. Magnus. We were talking about Magnus,” Alec stated, as the events from the morning came back. He sighed. “Again, I’m really sorry –”

“It’s okay, Alec,” Catarina said in a reassuring manner. 

She reached out to touch his forearm, and then she let out a sigh. 

“Considering everything you have gone through, I couldn’t expect you to be able to think at that level. So, we don’t need to dwell upon it, okay?” she said. “Magnus is fine, and that’s what matters…”

She gave Alec a smile. 

That smile seeped into Alec’s consciousness, his brain, and his heart. It seemed to lighten the heaviness that was there right now. 

And was he ever grateful for that.

Catarina fixed her gaze onto him again. “Well,” she said, “With that being said, there was something that I wanted to talk to you about.”

Oh? Alec turned to her. “Is it…about me starting therapy? Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?” 

The tightness in his chest had started up again. _He didn’t know –_

_He just didn’t –_

“Oh, no no no,” Catarina said hastily, with a dismissive wave of her hand. “I kinda gathered from the last few times, that you were not ready for that yet, based on your verbal responses and nonverbal body language. Exactly how you are reacting now.”

Alec felt his cheeks burn. 

“I was talking about Magnus,” Catarina said in a careful tone of voice. 

Alec stared at her. “W-What about Magnus?” he asked, surprised.

“You thought to call him, this time,” she stated. She looked at him with a probing gaze. “How did you feel about that?”

Alec shrugged. 

“I’m not sure,” he confessed. Something deep inside of him _did_ miss talking to him. But he could see how this could be triggering, to both Magnus and himself.

“But like you said, he was probably not ready to do so…”

He trailed off. 

Something about this conversation was _hurting_ his heart right now -- like some miniscule tear that had started to get bigger without him realizing it. 

Now it suddenly struck him once again, and his heart was hurting.

_Hurting so badly. _

At any thought of Magnus right now. 

He was still so mixed about him. The good versus the bad…there was so much on both sides of the coin. How was he to proceed? 

How were – _they_ – to proceed?

Alec took a deep breath to calm himself down.

“Well,” Catarina said, leaning back in her chair, “I’ll agree that he probably isn’t ready to talk or to have conversations, at least over the phone.”

“Yea,” Alec breathed. “He didn’t exactly react too well to that. I realized that, a bit too late. Anyway, I wanted to tell you again how sorry I am –”

“But,” Catarina interjected, “He did sound a bit more lighthearted and energetic this morning when I called him. So, I’m thinking that your call probably did that for him, even if it wasn’t done mindfully in the first place…”

Alec dipped his head, feeling ashamed.

“In light of that, how would you feel about texting or sending messages?”

Alec looked up, surprised at what Catarina had said. 

“Texting?” he asked. “You mean, with Magnus?”

Catarina nodded. 

“Personally, I think your voice may still be a bit much for him to take, especially after your last few interactions with him,” she said. 

“Ohhh…right,” Alec said slowly. _She was completely right on that._

“…But I don’t see anything wrong with messaging one other, even just to say hello, or to see how you guys are doing. No minimum or maximum, just based on how much you both can tolerate it. And you have every right to let each other know when enough is enough for the day, and to end it at that time,” Catarina said.

Alec sat there, digesting what Catarina had said.

It had been nice hearing Magnus’s voice, he admitted to himself. But if Magnus wasn’t ready to communicate at that level…

“So,” Catarina said. “What do you think?”

Alec looked at her. 

“You really think he will be okay with this?” he asked doubtfully. “

He didn’t want to inadvertently push him over the edge.

Catarina nodded. 

“I think, for now, as long as he doesn’t hear your voice, texting takes a lot of the edge and emotions accompanied with one’s voice out of things. So it can be a good, neutral medium to start off with.”

Alec nodded, feeling a bit stronger with his convictions. 

“Okay,” he said. “Count me in.”

………….

_Magnus’s loft_

The city sounds were so soothing today, with the hint of birds chirping here and there, as they flitted back and forth between the sky and the railing of his balcony.

Magnus smiled upon seeing them. He sighed deeply as he cradled the cup of coffee in his hands, leaning back against his chaise lounge.

He hadn’t sat out here like this for weeks – and today the sun was just right, perfectly warming without being glarey.

He looked down at himself. He had just summoned any random thing this morning, not paying attention to what he had magicked on. He just thought – _comfortable_. 

Well, what he was wearing right now was certainly comfortable – a soft, three-quarter sleeved dark green sweatshirt with slight fraying at the elbows.

This was one of Alec’s sweatshirts.

Well, it really wasn’t all that surprising that his magic had called upon that. And – it even still smelled like Alec. 

_Le sigh…_

_BZZZZZ! _

His phone was buzzing with a message._ Eh? _Magnus thought.

Clicking his phone on, his heart stuttered, and his brain went blank.

** _Alexander: Hey_ **

Magnus froze. Why was Alec texting him? Wasn’t the phone call enough last night? he wondered faintly, as his brain scrambled to get all its faculties back.

He stared at the message for a few minutes, to make sure he wasn’t imagining things.

But no, the message was there . It hadn't been recalled, either.

It was just…_there._

HIs mind was in a tailspin now. Whatever was on his mind before – yea, well now, he couldn’t, for the life of him, remember what they were.

In the face of _this_. 

Question was, what did Magnus want to do about this? Or rather, what was he expected to do about this?

This second-guessing was killing him…ugh. 

Well – perhaps he didn’t need to second guess things. After all, it was just a “**_Hey_**.” It didn’t necessarily need to be a loaded message.

After all, the call last night was left kinda open-ended. Magnus hadn’t even known what to say to Alec’s confession. Alec didn’t even seem to expect a response. It was more like he wanted to get that off his chest.

Magnus had been relieved. He was barely able to contain himself as it was. 

And that confession – as oddly comforting as it was to hear – also blew his mind so much it knocked the wind from out of him.

Was that why Alec was texting? To see how he was feeling about it?

Well, he didn’t know what he was feeling about it. 

He didn’t know if he was feeling _anything_ at all right now ---

Actually _scratch that_ – he didn’t want to _start_ feeling anything about it.

Any discussion on anything heavy right now would possibly break him.

Was it worth responding to Alec, then -- if it might upset him?

Then again, if he just let things go, and did not respond…would that be sending some sort of unspoken message to Alec in the negative sense?

Hmm…well he wouldn’t want that too.

Ugh he hated feeling so uncertain about things.

Well, his brain thought, Why not just give it a simple “Hey” back? Otherwise you are just going to be thinking and overthinking this the whole day…and absolutely nothing will get done.

Not to mention you will go off into one of your never-ending spirals –

Okay, okay, Magnus thought, slightly cross with himself. 

Taking his phone, he quickly typed a message in.

**_Hey, _**his fingers typed.

Then he put the phone down, and sat back on the lounge chair with a huff. Oh great, now he would most likely be thinking about _this_ for the rest of the day – wondering if Alec was going to respond or not.

Well, either way, the day was shot, no doubt about it.. 

Happy, now? he thought, slightly annoyed.

_Boy, you’re annoyed – with yourself. Good one_, his brain supplied.

Magnus rolled his eyes. You’re not being helpful, he thought. And stop that!

_Well, it got you to do something, didn’t it? _ it thought.

Magnus sighed. He couldn’t refute that.

…………………………

Alec stared at the phone. _Magnus had messaged back._

** _Magnus: Hey_ **

“Oh,” Alec said dumbly. His mouth was dry. “He responded back. 

He looked at Catarina, who had a serene smile on her face. She nodded at him.

“Well,” she said gently. “That’s a start, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Alec stated. He looked down at his phone again. He closed his eyes briefly, as he let out a sigh.

“I guess I’m wondering what to say next,” he mumbled finally. “I-I don’t want to say anything wrong.”

It was ridiculous how inept he felt right now. It was just text messaging! How often had Magnus and he texted one another.

_Hundreds, thousands of times before! _

_And yet…right now, in light of everything that had happened – it just seemed to carry so much weight --_

“Well, just start out with general pleasantries,” Catarina said. “I mean, you wanted to reach out to see how he was doing, right?”

Alec nodded. 

“You can do that without mentioning anything specific – it’s often when we start delving into specifics that we risk triggering things in people. But there certainly isn’t anything wrong with asking how someone is doing, right?”

Alec shook his head. 

“No, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that,” he said. 

He shook his head. 

“It’s just crazy how hard this is, right now,” Alec said, smiling ruefully.

Catarina put her hand on his shoulder in comfort. 

“The first step is often the hardest – and that goes for everything. Even for something seemingly as insignificant as messaging something to say hi. You’re doing good, Alec. No need to worry about it, ” she said reassuringly.

“Mama! Uncle Alec!” a familiar, high pitched voice pierced the air.

Both Alec and Catarina turned, it was Raphael -- holding hands with Madzie in the doorway, whose eyes were twinkling as she took in the sight of two of her favorite people.

“Madzie missed her Mama, and wanted to come in to say hi, and to see how she and Uncle Alec were doing,” Raphael said.

“Aww, how sweet. Come here, sweetheart,” Catarina said, opening her arms wide. Madzie ran right into them. Catarina gave the girl a huge bear hug. “Mama is doing just fine, just talking to Uncle Alec over here –”

“Uncle Alec! Uncle Alec!” Madzie said happily. Then she pouted. “Ah, we didn’t get to play together today –"

Alec felt his insides melt upon seeing the little warlock girl. “Hi Madzie,” he said softly.. “Yea, I’m sorry we didn’t get to play together today. Your mama was trying to help me with something –”

“Well, that’s okay,” Madzie continued happily, “Uncle Raphael was playing with me. He’s so much fun! We drew, and read books, and we even had a tea party!” 

Behind her, Raphael’s cheeks reddened. 

Alec stared at him. “A tea party…Really, Raph?” he asked incredulously.

“Yea, well, only for Madzie,” Raphael mumbled. He wrinkled his nose. Catarina and Alec started cracking up.

“Yea, okay, okay, enough making fun of me,” Raphael huffed, but he was smiling slightly. “How are you two doing?”

Catarina glanced at Alec, who nodded. Catarina turned to Raphael. “Well I suggested to Alec that perhaps he and Magnus could communicate by text messaging, since they haven’t talked in awhile ---”

“_Ooh, you talked to Uncle Magnus?”_ Madzie screeched. Alec turned to stare at her, wide-eyed, taken aback by the little girl’s enthusiasm.

“Madzie!” Catarina admonished. “Not so loud!” She brought her fingers to her lips in a “SHHH” hand gesture. 

“Oh, Mama, but I’m so glad they talked! Uncle Magnus has been so sad lately because he hasn’t seen Uncle Alec in a long time,” Madzie said simply. 

Behind them, Raphael winced, mouthing a “Sorry” over to Alec.

Alec stared at Raphael, giving a terse nod as to acknowledge his sympathy, before looking back at Madzie and Catarina. Even Catarina had a distraught look on her face. 

Alec took a deep breath. “I-It’s okay, Catarina,” he said, trying to keep his voice even, his heart beating slightly erratically. 

He turned his attention to Madzie. 

“Hey, little one. Well, not quite. But we are trying.” He tried to give her a genuine smile. “And look, I sent him a message!” 

He tried to sound enthusiastic as he picked up his phone to show Madzie the two messages on the phone – correspondence between him and Magnus. 

“Oh really? That’s great!” Madzie said happily, clapping her hands together.

Watching Madzie so happy, Alec decided to be spontaneous. 

“Hey, Madzie,” he said softly. “I bet Uncle Magnus would love to see a selfie of us, knowing that we are both thinking of him.” 

He swallowed hard upon finishing his sentence. 

“So do you want to take a picture with me?” he asked 

Madzie had already bounced over to hug Alec impulsively. 

“I love taking pictures!” she squealed. “And lucky that I’m wearing my most favorite dress in the whole world today! Uncle Magnus will love it!”

Alec grinned. “Yes, Uncle Magnus will certainly love it, alright,” he said, nearly choking toward the end of his sentence. 

He felt tears spring up into his eyes, and he blinked them back. 

Still, he managed a smile, albeit a bit shaky as he looked at Madzie. 

Madzie didn’t notice anything, as her smile remained as bright as it was. However, he noticed Catarina giving him a quizzical yet concerned look. 

He shook his head slightly in her direction, smiling though his tears, before directing his attention back to Madzie,.a smile on his face.

Hugging the little girl to his side, he kneeled down so he and Madzie were at the same height, then he switched to Selfie view on his phone. 

“Okay, smile!” he said, putting as much enthusiasm into it as he could. 

They took a few, doing different poses and making faces. 

“I love taking pictures! It’s so much fun!” Madzie said happily.

She then scrunched up her face adorably, as if she was trying to think deeply about something.

“Ooh, can we take a video for Uncle Magnus? We can tell him that we miss him!” she exclaimed.

Alec’s heart stuttered at the little girl’s request. _Ah, kids and their innocent requests._

He couldn’t say no. 

He closed his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath before speaking. 

“Sounds like a great idea, Madzie,” he said. 

Trying to muster up a genuine smile, he switched the phone mode to video. With Madzie next to him, he made sure they were both visible in the video. 

Turning to her, he asked, “Are you ready, Madzie? After the count of 3, we will say it together, okay?”

Madzie nodded fervently.

“Okay, then,” Alec said, “1, 2…3.” He turned the video on, and then it was him and Madzie yelling together, “We miss you, Uncle Magnus!”. Then the video was still rolling, and Alec felt compelled to say something. 

So he did. “Madzie wanted to do a video. Anyway, I hope you like it,” he said quietly. He then clicked stop. 

He was glad his voice hadn’t shaken while saying that. 

“I’m going to send them to Uncle Magnus now, okay?” he asked. Madzie nodded. He attached both photo and videos, with the caption "Madzie is over and wanted to say hi as well. Hope you're doing ok.”

Taking a deep breath, he pressed _Send _on the display.

………..

_BZZZ!_

Magnus’s whole body jerked involuntarily as the phone buzzed. His eyes flew open.

Instinctively, he yawned. Then he realized he had fallen asleep. Sitting in the chaise lounge, lulled by the muted outdoor sounds while on the balcony…

Wow -- that had actually felt refreshing. Haven’t felt that way in a long time…

And someone messaged him? Hmm, who –

_OH._

His heart stopped as his eyes fell upon the photo that popped up on display.

_“Alexander,” he whispered. _

HIs fingers flew to the photo, of Alec and Madzie, that he had just received. Well, actually they had sent it about an hour ago. As if faced with something ultimately too precious, his fingers shook as they lightly traced the face of Madzie. 

And then, with slightly shakier fingers, they traced over Alec’s face.

Lillith, all these overflowing, conflicting emotions threatened to break asunder, upon seeing his face.

So smiley in this one –

Yet completely broken – in his memory –

_THAT’S WHY YOU THREW ME OUT??!_

_And yet…_

The echoes of how Alec’s voice stuttered and broke while he was singing their song off-key through the phone --

_It was just too much…_

…and wait, they had sent a video too?!! 

He didn’t know if he could watch that right now. Judging from the still, it looked happy too.

Well, they looked – happy together, anyway. Alec and Madzie. 

_Without him in it._

He wasn’t sure if he would ever be on the receiving end of that smile from Alec again.

That smile – that used to make him feel safe…

_Like he was precious._

_Like – there would be no one else for Alec, except for him, and him ONLY. _

He put the phone aside, and then his head was in his hands

He shook slightly. But he didn’t cry.

He didn’t.

Just sat there, crouched in that position…breathing in and out.

_That’s it…BREATHE IN._

_BREATHE OUT._

Against his will, the happier memories of him and Alec started filtering through ---

Flooding his brain.

Flooding his heart –

He hadn’t allowed himself to reminisce, for a long while –

Believing it impossible for things to change – ever.

He took several deep breaths, turning his head to the side for a moment.

And then -- out of the corner of his eye, he saw the edge of the sweater sleeve, which had ridden up as he moved.

The uneven, scarred area on that part of his arm ---

Right, under the influence of absinthe and had a moment of clarity, he had carved _ A-L-E-C _right into his arm.

_YOU CAN’T EVER HAVE HIM AGAIN, _that damning voice whispered like a curse into his brain and heart, just like it did that day….

Flashes of how that came about started flooding his mind –

How crazed he had felt --

How broken he had been, thinking himself a monster –

That all hope was gone, and lost, at least for him to be something decent. –

_Something, someone worthy to be loved._

He had nearly forgotten that he had done this, as there was no lingering pain –

And he had been wearing long sleeves everyday, to the point where he just magicked them on him without thinking ---

As if hypnotized, he slowly sat up, and slid his sleeve up, until his ruined arm was in clear view.

He just stared at it, for what seemed like an eternity.

Was it possible to gain back what they lost? He couldn’t look away from the arm, those four letters which somehow held so much power –

_YOU CAN’T EVER HAVE HIM…_

_AGAIN._

_…._

_…those damn echoes…_

_…._

_…Could he be that again?_

_...Something, someone worthy to be loved?_

_…_

_…_

_****************_

“I miss you guys,” Madzie suddenly announced to the room, to no one in particular.

Alec stilled. Behind him, he heard Catarina gasp.

Who – or what – was Madzie referring to? 

Alec noticed Madzie’s dark eyes, now as serious as anything, looking directly -- at _HIM._

…and wouldn’t you know it he thought ruefully,, leave it to a child to just say things straight out – instead of in a roundabout way, or in those ways that adults learn to master way too well when trying to get their point across –

Like the way Magnus had initially tiptoed around him when he first came home in those first few weeks…or even Catarina now, when approaching him about things they needed to talk about…

Treating him like some fragile thing that could break at any minute –

Which he kinda was. But still –

A child, who knew nothing of what had happened –

For her to be blunt about it, straight out. Was oddly refreshing –

Even if she just shocked him to the core, like she did just now…

Actually, did she direct that remark straight at Alec? Or was he just being paranoid about things –

Madzie continued to look at him. 

“I miss visiting you two – _together_,” she continued wistfully.

Alec’s mouth fell slightly open as his mouth went dry. 

He was speechless.

The change in Madzie – going from happy go lucky girl,, squealing as they were taking photos – to this serious, wistful child staring what seemed to be into his soul – it was unnerving him….

An uneasy silence fell over the room. Slowly Alec’s eyes scanned the room. Catarina and Raphael had both froze upon hearing Madzie’s declaration. They both wore very uncomfortable expressions on their faces…

The tension in the room was so thick, it nearly had Alec in a chokehold of nerves, bordering on anxiety –

God he wished he didn’t get anxious this easily –

But it seemed like such a common thing these past few months --

In the state he currently found himself in.

HIs heart was beating so rapidly and loudly, he could have sworn he heard it pounding in his head…

Also, the rushing crescendo of sounds roaring past his ears, and the lightheadness he felt – was making it hard for him to think straight….

“…I miss it, too,” he heard himself choke out, in a voice he barely recognized as his own, while attempting to deal with the conflicting senses enveloping him at the moment.

No one said anything. 

Or was it that Alec wasn’t able to hear what anyone was saying, in light of himself having this freakout, right here, right now?

“Alec.” Catarina’s voice, as usual, cut through all the noise. “Your face looks really pale right now. Do you need to lie down?”

Her voice was calming. It immediately snapped him out of it.

Alec inhaled sharply. He shook his head fervently. 

“No, I-I think I can manage this one,” he said. “Give me a moment.:”

Gathering all his internal strength, he forced himself to look at Madzie. The child emanated unconditional love. She gave it out of her own free will, as the child she was. She cared about him. She cared about Magnus. 

About them – _together._

That was all she knew. 

And she knew something was wrong between them.

Hence the confusion, and the questions…

He owed her an answer.

“Madzie,” he said gently. The little girl’s attention focused intently on him.

“I’m sorry, Uncle Alec. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Madzie said, her eyes downcast. Her brows were knitted together with an unhappy expression on her face. 

Alec took a long, deep breath. “Come here,” he said gently, opening up his arms. Madzie’s eyes brightened slightly, as she stepped into his hug. He hugged her tightly. Angel, hugging her always felt amazing to him. 

“You have no reason to be sorry, Madzie,” Alec said, kissing her on the top of her head. She looked up at him, her dark eyes giving him a searching type of look. . 

He paused, trying to figure out the best way to word things. 

“Uncle Magnus and I still need to figure some things out. We both love you, though. Never doubt that,” he said finally. 

Madzie had a frustrated look on her face

“I think Uncle Magnus said the same thing, a few weeks ago,” she ventured uncertainly, her face scrunching up as if trying to remember. She huffed, “I just don’t understand why, though. Mama always told me that when two people love each other, they try to work things out.”

She looked at Alec.

“So why aren’t you? Why are you still here with us, and not with him?” she asked plaintively.

“Madzie!” Catarina hissed, wide-eyed. She looked at Alec with a horrified expression on her face. “Alec, please disregard all of this,” she said. “Let me take her…”

Catarina started to move forward in Alec’s direction.

Alec shook his head dismissively. “There’s no need, Catarina,” he said slowly. He looked at Madzie again. 

“You’re right,” Alec admitted quietly. “I should. But some things are really hard. I’m scared.” He swallowed hard.

Behind him, he heard Catarina gasp. 

Alec turned to Catarina.

“I’m afraid of everything – all the nightmares -- coming back,” he said quietly. “As you might recall, it didn’t’ end too well the last time…” He trailed off. 

He didn’t miss how pale Raphael’s face turned upon hearing his words. 

“I mean, this is why I ended up here, right?” he said. He let out a small little laugh. 

Well, it was supposed to be a laugh anyway.

What it ended up sounding like was a half laugh, half sob. 

And he realized his eyes had already filled up with tears.

Madzie, still in his arms, turned wide, compassionate eyes on him. “Don’t cry, Uncle Alec. Don’t be sad,” she said in a small voice.

Alec struggled to smile, as he looked into the little girl’s eyes. 

“Oh, Madzie,” he said, his voice trembling, as he hugged her tightly against him. “If anything, you just being here, and giving me wonderful hugs, it makes all the bad feelings subside, at least for a moment.” 

“It seems like it’s the only thing that can…at least right now…” he added in almost a tortured whisper, his face against Madzie’s, still holding her tight, shutting his eyes tight. 

He lost himself for a minute, relishing the comfort of the embrace. He listened as his own heartbeat slowed....and then the sounds in his ears slowly subsided after awhile, as well...

_Until all seemed normal again._

Alec then lifted his head from Madzie’s shoulder. He noticed very uncomfortable expressions on both Raphael and Catarina’s faces at the moment, directed at him.

“I’m…so sorry, everyone,” he murmured. 

He felt so weak, like he was a_ failure. _

_But of course he was. _

Otherwise, how could he have allowed himself to be caught like that – and fallen into this nightmare? Yes, he had been rescued…but this_ \--this!--_ just seemed to have no end in sight. It just kept tormenting him – if not physically, _but_ mentally ---

_And it was the mental part of it, that he couldn’t get away from!!!!_

“Alec, didn’t we say to stop thinking like that?” Catarina’s even voice was directed at him.

Alec’s eyes slowly lifted to Catarina. He sniffled, wiping away tears from his eyes. 

“I want that, Cat,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “But…I don’t know if I can…”

He closed his eyes, feeling his heart ache like it had never did before. Angel, it hurt so damn much_. It was just all too much ---_

“Alec,” Catarina said. “Listen to me, please.” She was speaking very slowly. Alec’s brain started to focus as she spoke, very slowly and deliberately.

“I can’t even begin to imagine how this is, for you,” she said. "And I know I had promised I was not going to ask again..."

Alec nodded, his eyes shut. He still couldn’t find his voice. So he said nothing. Anyway, in the state he was currently in, he would probably be choking on any words that even attempted to venture forth.

He just breathed in deeply, in and out, through his mouth.

An air of silence seemed to follow. He was glad for this silence – Catarina was always really good about that, allowing him time to get himself back on track.

He knew she was not done yet – she had more to tell him.

“Okay,” he whispered, almost inaudibly. 

At first he was not sure if Catarina had heard him.

“ -- however, we have to start somewhere,” she continued.

He turned to face her general direction, his mind still blank, too wrung from overwhelming emotion to focus completely. 

But it was coming back slowly….

“Go ahead,” he said, a little bit louder than before. “I’m listening.”

“You said you were _scared_ – that if you started with all of this – with therapy, that all the nightmares and things would come back…right?” Catarina asked.

“Yes,” Alec breathed. “And it’s so…so._.stupid _–”

He couldn’t go on.

“Nothing about this is stupid,” Catarina insisted firmly. “And if you keep insisting on thinking that, this will keep you from moving forward. Then you will keep being scared forever.”

She fixed Alec with intense look in her dark eyes. 

“You have inadvertently given up control to _him_. You know that, right?” she stated quietly. “Is that what you want?”

Alec could only look at her blankly. When she put it that way….

“No, I don’t want that,” he said.

He bit his lip, his hands automatically fluttering by his sides uselessly. His nerves threatened to fray as he stood there -- as his hands clenched into tight fists –his nails digging into the soft part of his palms.

_Pain._ Pain was the way to help him to calm down. HIs old standby…

_Something he could depend on…._

Angel, it was sending waves of relief through his whole system, the nails digging _deep, deeper_ into the flesh, to the point where they would be very close to breaking the skin, but not quite –

He started to loosen up_. Angel this felt so good…SO GOOD…_

_Endorphins started flooding his system ---_

_Almost..too good –_

…Wait…no, he was _NOT _supposed to use this to cope! Look what happened last time, when this cycle started again!

_NO NO NO NO NO!!!!_ his brain screamed.

“STOP!” Alec shouted suddenly, not able to keep it in.

Everyone in the room _jumped _at his sudden outburst. Then stared at him -- _hard. _

Catarina blinked. “Alec?” she asked, looking at him in shock. “What happened?”

“I want all of this to stop. Right now,” Alec said. He gritted his teeth, feeling absolutely frustrated. “I don’t want to feel so scared anymore. And I really, really need to stop… resorting to this coping mechanism –“

Wordlessly, he turned over his palms. 

He heard both Catarina and Raphael’s gasp as they looked upon his palms.

Ten perfect, red arches on his otherwise pristine pale palms – so close to the skin surface, one could actually see how thin the skin was stretched, by having dug in the flesh.

He used to do this in the past, when he didn’t have anything to cut with. He would just keep his nails a little too long. Like during his training when he was younger, when his parents would reprimand him for not doing his best, or being the role model that Isabelle and Jace needed him to be –

He would just smile like a wooden soldier, saying, “Yes, Mother. Yes, Father,” – standing at parade rest, his hands at his sides, or behind his back, totally clenched into fists.

Then those nails would dig, dig into the skin into those fleshy palms – and then eventually he would be able to tune them out, instead concentrating on the pain. 

This became more comforting than painful, as it was able to distract him from the mental torture of having to hear that he was never, ever good enough, no matter how hard he tried. 

He used to break skin, and then it would be problematic…as it would leave scars. 

Over time he practiced this, time after time – year after year – until he figured out HOW to maximize the pain, without breaking the skin. 

And once he had figured that out – he had felt a sense of pride, as if finally having had control over at least one aspect of his life…

Even as other parts of his life was completely out of his own control.

Alec followed their stares to his upturned palms. His damaged palms – showcasing his very weakness, out there to be judged by everyone. 

Alec opened his mouth to speak, but his mouth was so dry, he couldn’t even get anything out. 

He just watched blankly, as Catarina made her way over to him, where Madzie was still sitting next to him. 

“Come here, Madzie,” Catarina murmured. “Uncle Alec needs a minute..”

“He needs me,” Madzie protested.

Alec glanced over at her. He felt a tug in his heart. 

Oh, Madzie, his heart sighed.

“It’s okay, Madzie,” he murmured. “Go with Mama for now, okay? You’ve been amazing. You’ve helped me more than you realize…” 

The little girl’s dark eyes bore into his – for the longest minute.

Then she stiffly nodded, turning to Catarina, as she was pulled into a hug. 

Alec noticed Raphael was still staring at him. There was a look of – sympathy? Or was it pity? -- on his face.

He glowered under the stare. He was used to this as he was growing up– the one people gave you when they felt sorry for you. He gritted his teeth. 

_STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, EVERYONE --!_

_Alec hated that._

This was why he didn’t’ want to reveal any weaknesses. He would rather _hide_ them – than for receive this look from people, for people to feel sorry for him..

For being weird, a freak...

Alas...but right now, he had chosen to reveal this particular weakness…

He had revealed himself. _The real him. _

Well, it wasn’t as if Catarina didn’t know about it. She was there for the scissor incident. And then the incident in the bathroom. 

But in revealing this, right here, right now – he just showed them that he _still _employed these coping mechanisms –

_Which he needed to put a stop to right now --_

_Help,_ he thought imploringly. 

His heart cried, _HELP ME, PLEASE. I don’t want to hurt anymore. _

_I’ll do anything, ANYTHING. I don’t know what to do anymore. _

_I don’t know what I’m doing anymore._

_I haven’t known for awhile ---_

“Please…help me. Please,” Alec heard himself utter – and it was such a defeated sounding voice. He hung his head, as his eyes fell shut. 

He breathed in deeply.

Who knows if anyone heard it anyway, he thought, dejectedly. …

Then he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. He looked up, into Catarina’s concerned, empathetic looking face.

As he looked into her face, he suddenly felt safe again. Along with a new sense of determination and purpose.

Her eyes were warm and encouraging. 

And he suddenly knew what he_ needed _to do. For everyone.

_For himself..._

“Yes,” he breathed. “You’re right. I need to start helping myself. I have to start somewhere.”

He saw Catarina’s eyes brighten upon hearing his words. She took his hand. 

He grasped it tightly, almost as if she was a lifeline. At least that’s how his heart interpreted it. 

Catarina would help him. _ She would bring him out of this --_

Strong waves of relief hit his system all at once, releasing all the tension and pain that had built up all this time --- flowing through his blood and veins. _ It felt good..._

“Just don’t give up on me. Because I am probably going to try to give up, or to walk away – many many times, especially when things get _too _hard,” he babbled. 

He sounded so pathetic…so pleading, so foolish…

“I won’t,” Catarina said. “I promise. I will be right here with you, the entire way…”

To Alec, it sounded like a godsend – a prayer coming from her lips.

It was exactly what he needed to hear. 

_So it begins…_

_……_

_Magnus’s loft, later that night_

Magnus sat in bed, his phone in his hand. 

He watched it after all – the video of Alec and Madzie, saying that they missed him.

It was probably scripted, right? Of course Alec had to say that – since Madzie was there.

Then again –

He remembered how Alec’s voice broke during the phone call they had last night.

…Perhaps there was still something there? Something to salvage?

He really hoped so.

…

…

He missed them so much. He missed him – so much. 

His fingers, shaking slightly, pressed the Play Button again on the Video.

“We miss you, Uncle Magnus!” the two very cheerful voices said.

….

Do you mean that, Alexander? he thought.

Did you mean what you said on the phone last night? 

_…_

_BZZZ!! _

The sudden appearance of a message appearing on the phone, nearly made him_ jump_ out of his skin.

It was a message from Alec.

** _Alexander: Anyway, had a tiring day. Gonna turn in early. Hoping for a good night sleep. Wishing you the same. Good night, Magnus._ **

Magnus just stared at the words on his phone, biting his lip.

…..

His hand trembled.

** _…._ **

Alec looked at his phone, having messaged Magnus fifteen minutes ago. 

He yawned. The whole day had worn him out. 

Even though it wasn’t considered late at night yet, the whole ordeal during the day had tired him out. He had begged off from dinner, but Catarina had made eat a small sandwich before allowing him to leave the dinner table. 

Now he was sitting up in bed. He was indeed tired and wanted to go to sleep.

But he had taken out his phone, and had texted Magnus a message good night.

Ah, well. Baby steps. Part of him hadn’t expected a response anyway. Catarina had said not to expect too much, initially.

Truthfully he had no expectations. This was completely uncharted territory. Perhaps this was too much too soon, for Magnus anyway.

Well, they had nothing but time, right? He stared ahead into the darkness of the room, lost in thought.

Where did they go – _from here?_

_That, he didn’t know. _

But, despite that, a small smile played around his lips. 

At least he had pledged to take the first step with Catarina. He hoped he could hold up his part of the bargain.

Sighing, he put his phone on the nightstand, and clicked the light off.

Within ten minutes, his head had hit the pillow.

And then -- he was fast asleep.

…..

_Twenty minutes later_

_BZZZ!!! _In the darkness, a small light went on at the nightstand next to where Alec slept.

It was his phone.

A message had come through.

_…._

** _Magnus:   
Good night, Alexander._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CH 20 to come
> 
> \-----------------------------------
> 
> PLACEBO - A Million Pieces [VIDEO ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0YP9aJ_1TQ)
> 
> There wasn't much I used to need  
A smile would blow a summer breeze  
through my heart
> 
> Now my mistakes are haunting me  
Like winter came and put a freeze on my heart
> 
> I've lost the power to understand  
What it takes to be a man with my heart  
I saw you wanted this to end  
You tried your best to be a friend to my heart
> 
> But I'm leaving this worry town  
Please no grieving, my love, understand?
> 
> Whenever I was feeling wrong  
I used to go and write a song from my heart
> 
> But now I feel I've lost my spark  
No more glowing in the dark for my heart
> 
> So I'm leaving this worry town  
Please no grieving, my love, understand?
> 
> Understand?
> 
> Understand? (Can't you see I'm sick of fighting?)  
Understand? (Can't you tell I've lost my way?)  
Understand? (Look at me theirs no denying)  
Understand? (I wont last another day)
> 
> So I'm leaving this worry town  
Please no grieving, my love, understand?
> 
> All my dreaming torn in pieces
> 
> All my dreaming torn in pieces
> 
> All my dreaming torn in pieces
> 
> All my dreaming torn in pieces now


	20. One Step Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec decides to take that very important first step forward, deciding to meet with Catarina to start therapy.
> 
> It isn't without its own set of struggles and self-reflection.
> 
> Meanwhile, Magnus struggles with his own thoughts about their situation as he confides in Catarina separately.

_Catarina’s apartment_

Alec was sitting at the dining table, a short stack of blueberry buttermilk pancakes in front of him, a decanter of maple syrup, and a mug of black coffee – exactly how he liked it – in front of him. He had come into the dining room just a few minutes ago, finding breakfast already set up, ready for him.

He smiled. 

Catarina had mentioned she had morning errands to run today, on her day off. She must have done this for him before she left to run errands today. 

There was a note next to the breakfast.

_Alec,_

_Just a reminder – therapy can start today, if you are still up for it! I will be at the hospital at around noon. Text me if you change your mind. Either way, we will get through this together._

_Stay strong._

_Love, Catarina._

HIs smile faded, as a pensive look came upon his face.He stared in front of him, getting lost in his own thoughts.

It had been two days after he had broken down in front of Catarina, Raphael, and even Madzie -- kind, loving, unassuming Madzie.

Two days after he had started texting Magnus again. He decided that he was okay with it. 

Okay with communicating with Magnus again.

That night, following the breakdown, he had even taken a risk, and texted Magnus a message good night, for good measure.

Then – he proceeded to sleep. And slept like he had not slept in months.

The next morning, he found that Magnus had responded to his message with a simple “Good night” as well.

He had been more than pleasantly surprised. That would do for now, he decided, as that brought a small smile to his face.

And then -- yesterday had brought forth some more greetings between him and Magnus.

This morning, Magnus had actually replied within a few minutes of his own message, to his surprise.

** _Alexander: Good morning_ **

** _Magnus: Good morning, Alexander._ **

** _Alexander: …Nice day isn’t it?_ **

** _Magnus: That it is._ **

** _Magnus: Did you sleep alright?_ **

** _Alexander: I actually did, thank you for asking._ **

** _Alexander: I hope you did, too_ **

** _Magnus: I actually did okay with that. _ **

** _Magnus: …your message helped the other night. And so forth..._ **

** _Alexander: Oh? Well I meant it._ **

** _Magnus: I appreciate that._ **

Alec found himself at a loss of what to say following that. But it almost seemed like it was mutual, as no more texts followed.

An hour or two had passed. Alec did not want to be rude. So he typed in a message.

**Alexander: _Anyway I need to get going. Didn’t want to leave you hanging._**

**Magnus: _Oh, that’s okay, I was in the shower -- just got out. Have a good day, then._**

Alec blinked, as he put his phone face down, and tried not to think about a half-naked towel clad Magnus with his hair wet and water dripping down his muscular abs.

Yes, that was one image he didn't need right now...

Even though it was a very nice image, to say the least. Distracting, that was for sure. And it made his heart feel funny, and weird --

That had been the one area in which never wavered. There would never be any situation in which he would never think Magnus not beautiful.

But in the state where they were now, it wasn’t helping matters. Against his will, his brain started pulling up all the other times -- very different times -- when Magnus would utter that phrase. His voice lowering in that seductive way he had, which would drive Alec wild – as a come-on phrase.

In the way that would make Alec drop everything – just to be with him. To rush into his arms. 

Then they would rush to fall into bed, with passionate moans and sighs, exploring and mapping out each other's bodies, and revel in each other’s love…

Right now, though, it was just a statement Magnus was making about what he had just done. Nothing more than that.

Alec didn’t know what to think about that. His head was starting to throb, just from the contradictory thoughts starting to surface.

_Stop thinking! Just eat, _he told his brain, as he sat down at the table, taking utensils in hand. He began to pour the syrup onto the pancakes.

Alec picked at his breakfast in silence, too acutely aware of the emptiness he was feeling within him.

_Why did things have to be so complicated?_

_…and why did things have to happen as they did?_

Unable to control himself, one tear fell down his face, then another. 

His head dipped into his hands, as his eyes fell shut, trying to stem the flow of tears. But he couldn’t stop them. They were _relentless, _bursting out from resistant eyelids against his will, trailing down his cheeks. .

_His lips, his body started trembling..._

He just sat there like that, silently weeping, the half-eaten breakfast in front of him.

.....

_Downtown Hospital, a few hours later_

The large letters on the awning loomed above him.

So this was where he had been. 

After everything that had happened…

He inhaled sharply. 

He hadn’t paid attention before. Well, the first time, he had been unconscious, having been portalled in, carried by Raphael, or so he was told –

And then, when he was discharged, they had left via portal in his hospital room, where Magnus had come to get him…

Alec felt the letters of the hospital towering over him like some foreboding presence. He knew what was waiting on him on the other side. 

What he would be expected to do. Catarina wanted to start him talking, somehow – which would then eventually segue into him talking about what happened to him, making him relive _everything_ \---

A faint sound rushed through his ears as he contemplated that.

It was weird being here.

On some levels, it felt like eons ago that he was here –

But in actuality, it had _only_ been months ago . And his life was still in_ stasis_ – nothing had moved forward since that time, when _unspeakable_things had happened to him –

Angel, no, this was not the time for all those images to be coming back. Later, when he absolutely had to bring them. But until then…

He took a few breaths to compose himself. Then he straightened up his shoulders and pushed open the door.

The receptionist at the front desk looked up.

“How can I help you?” Her brown eyes were warm and kind.

“Uh,” he said awkwardly. “I’m here for a t-therapy session with, uh, Nurse Loss.” Ugh, that was hard to get out…

It made things too – _real…_

_And now the receptionist probably thought him an idiot, as he had not been able to speak eloquently._

But the expression in the receptionist’s face displayed no judgment, only warmth. She looked down at her book.

“Ah, Alec Lightwood?” she said. He nodded.

She smiled, and typed something on her keyboard. The sound of the printer came on. She then reached over and took a small piece of paper from it.

“Here,” she said kindly. “This is a temporary picture ID sticker, all patients need to wear this. Nurse Loss is expecting you. Just go down the hallway to the left, and take the elevators to the 3rd floor, it is room 303…”

Third floor, the same floor he had been staying at, months ago…

“Okay,” he said huskily, taking the ID sticker from her. ”T-Thank you.” The receptionist nodded in acknowledgment.

He turned and started making his way toward the elevators. One was already available and waiting. 

He walked to the elevator and stepped in. He pressed the button for the 3rd floor. 

The door started closing – and Alec suddenly felt a wave of panic. Carrying me to my fate, his brain couldn’t help thinking. 

Be quiet! Alec reprimanded himself, even as his heart started beating erratically.

He leaned against the back wall of the elevator, taking a few deep breaths. It’s okay, Catarina just wants you to start opening up. Little by little. We don’t even need to go into anything –

Alec shuddered at the thought. He then realized his left hand was gripping the ID sticker tightly. So tightly in fact that he had started to crumple it.

He lifted the sticker and looked at it. 

“Alec Lightwood, Visitor,” he read out aloud. 

It left a funny taste in his mouth. Visitor – so nondescript. Not Alec Lightwood, Shadowhunter. Or Alec Lightwood, boyfriend of Magnus Bane…

He pushed the thoughts out of his mind. Things were as they were. 

Peeling off the backing of the sticker, he put it over his left chest pocket of his jacket.

This was how his life was going to be, for the immediate future, anyway…and he’d better get used to it. 

_Ding!_ The doors of the elevator opened loudly, jarring Alec out of his thoughts.

_Angel, he was here already?? That was fast…_

Swallowing hard, he stepped out into the stark white hallway. There were benches lined along each side. The sign in front of him indicated that Room 303 was to his left – all the way down the hallway.

Okay then, he thought, pivoting his foot and starting to walk.

He passed room by room, his chest getting tighter and tighter – like he was heading toward an interrogation. Or even worse…

He was finding it harder to breathe. He blinked, twice.

Stop it, he chastised himself. It is only the first day. Catarina isn’t expecting anything from you. Catarina wouldn’t be expecting anything from you…

And then…the room he had stayed in – during that unspeakable time – was suddenly inches away from him.

HIs body stilled, as his mind went blank. _For one second –_

Before the eerie silence settled in around him. 

Where there had been the voices of nurses and other personnel mingling in some unintelligible jumble of noise about him, now there was nothing –

But the ever increasing crescendo of _unidentifiable_ screams rushing past his ears.

As it all came back to him –

_The sounds of the machines beeping, the large red shapes which overtook his vision back then on that fateful day he first woke up ---_

_Then the sickening sweet voice reverberating in his brain, as his hands moved to satisfy what needed to be satisfied –_

_The brief yet welcome stretch of oblivion it allowed him --_

_And – the heartbreaking look on Magnus’s face as he broke, upon finding him in a too compromised position –_

Alec’s ears were already ringing, a bit too late for his brain to register ---

Next thing he knew, he was blinking, dazedly, from where he was lying on the floor, as his eyes searched the ceiling, the lights in shades of black and white before him, in spots and blotches…

The side of his left cheek and shoulder ached slightly. Not too badly, but it was there.

Footsteps could be heard approaching, unevenly. They sounded thunderous, pounding against the tile floor.

Suddenly a face loomed before him. “Oh my god, sir. Are you okay?” the friendly female voice was asking. Unfamiliar, but with concern all over her face.

“Y-Yea,” Alec stuttered. Did he just pass out? Of all the ---

He cursed himself inwardly. What a fucking mess he was…

“Where were you going?” she asked.

“Nowhere,” he muttered automatically. “Now I just need to get up. I need to go. Sorry to bother –”

He tried to get up, but he only fell partially down again. _Dammit…_

His head was throbbing badly right now, and now his thoughts were all over the place…

He felt a firm hand on his shoulder. “You aren’t going anywhere, sir. Not in the way that you just passed out. And fell again. “the lady continued, in a kind voice. She pointed at her tag. Registered Nurse. 

“Did you eat breakfast?” she asked.

Dumbly, Alec hung his head, shaking it from side to side. 

He had tried to, but couldn’t continue after he had started weeping at the table. He cursed himself for not at least getting that successfully done today --

“Why don’t I find an empty room for you to lie down in for awhile. Is that okay? I just want the doctor to look you over, and then you will be free to go along your way,” the nurse was saying.

Might as well, Alec thought, exhaling out a big sigh. As if he would be up to finishing up anything else today, right?

“Okay,” he whispered. The nurse looked at him questioningly, and then he realized he had not spoken loudly enough. 

He nodded.

“Okay,” the nurse said, smiling. “Here, let me help –”

“Alec? Is that you? I –”

_Shit, Catarina. _

Alec’s eyes widened, his head jerking up to see her looking at him, in shock and recognition.

Now Alec really wanted to die, right then and there. From embarrassment. _What the hell, he couldn’t even make it down the hallway to the room he was supposed to meet her at?_

“Nurse Loss, you know him?” the nurse asked. 

Catarina nodded, her eyes not leaving Alec. “Yes, he has an appointment to see me today. What happened?” she asked. 

_Are you okay?_ Her eyes seemed to ask.

Alec bit his lip, hesitating. Then he nodded – slowly.

“He was walking down the hallway,. And then he stopped, with an odd expression on his face. Then he collapsed,” the nurse stated. “He did not hit his head, thankfully. And was conscious when I got to him. But he was still unsteady when he attempted to get up from the floor just now. I think he should lie down in one of the empty rooms for a little bit –”

“That’s a very good idea,” Catarina stated. “Help me with him.”

Alec didn’t protest as both nurses grabbed hold under his arms and slowly brought him to a standing position. 

“How are you feeling? Are you able to walk? There’s an empty room just a few feet away by the nurse’s station,” Catarina said.

“I-I think I can manage,” Alec rasped. “Thank you.”

Soon he was in the bed, dressed in a hospital gown, and feeling absolutely embarrassed.

Catarina’s dark eyes focused upon him intently.

“Didn’t I leave you breakfast?” she asked plaintively.

“You did. I got distracted and didn’t finish eating it this morning. I’m sorry,” Alec mumbled. 

He looked away. When he spoke next, his voice was much softer. “I didn’t realize that room was right here. It caught me by surprise…” He trailed off.

The look in Catarina’s eyes went from concern to a mix of concern and horror. 

“Oh my god, Alec,” she whispered. “I hadn’t realized. No wonder…”

Alec smiled weakly. “Let’s just say some things came back…and I guess I wasn’t ready for it,” he said softly, chucking awkwardly. 

Nervously, he ran his fingers through his hair. His hand involuntarily clenched, pulling at the hair caught between his knuckles. He shut his eyes, gritting his teeth in anguish.

“Well,” he said, exhaling slowly, “It is what it is. I will just need to get over it.” He let out a short, sardonic laugh. Yea, he was the joke of the universe right about now. Fuck…

“No,” Catarina stated firmly. Alec felt her hand under his chin as she lifted it up to face her. “You don’t need to just ‘get over it.” Do not dismiss yourself like that. You are so deserving of so much more. Do not do that to yourself. You hear me?”

Her dark eyes were flashing with conviction, as she held his gaze.

Slowly, he nodded, still feeling confused. 

But yea, he knew what she was saying. “Yes, Catarina,” he said softly. “I hear you.”

She sighed, and sat down gingerly at the foot of his bed. “Well,” she said, chuckling. “This wasn’t exactly how I envisioned our sessions starting, to say the least –”

Alec stared at her. “You think?” he stated dryly. His mouth slowly tugged into a lopsided grin, despite the awkwardness of the situation.

“There it is,” she said, smiling. “Well, I am glad that you attempted to come today.”

“I almost turned back so many times, on the way here,” Alec admitted.

Catarina nodded. “I’m sure,” she said. She placed her hand on his. It was warm, and nice. And reassuring.

He took a deep breath, giving her a real smile this time.

There was a knock on the door. They both turned as the door opened.

It was the Doctor.

“I heard someone had a fall just before. Everything okay, young man?” he inquired in a kind voice.

“I’m okay,. Just a bit winded,” Alec said.

Catarina nodded at the doctor. “I will leave you two be, I will be right outside,” she stated.

She flashed Alec a warm smile before letting herself out of the room quietly.

……………….

Catarina closed the door of Alec’s room behind her, and walked to the nurses station, her thoughts on Alec.

She had been glad that he had attempted to make it today. 

But – he was definitely still shaky in general. 

And…how could she have forgotten where his former room was? Of course that would have been a trigger. She berated herself. She should have been more mindful when choosing the room for therapy this morning. True, this was the usual room she used. But she could have easily gone elsewhere. 

A different floor, a different section of the hospital…

She definitely needed to be better with that. _He was still too fragile._ The last thing she wanted was for external things to trigger him, to get in the way of establishing the routine and the setting –

_He needed to feel safe._

Just then the door to Alec’s room opened, and the Doctor stepped out, with a smile on his face.

“Nurse Loss, he’s all yours. Everything checked out, maybe just a little low on the normal side with his blood sugar. But he did mention he didn’t get to finish breakfast his morning,” he stated.

“Thank you, Doctor,” she said gratefully, as he waved a goodbye.

Taking a deep breath, she walked to the room, pulled open the door, and walked back in.

To her surprise, Alec had just come out from the bathroom, already dressed in his street clothing. “The doctor gave me a clean bill of health,” he said quietly. “He said I was free to go.”

“That’s great to hear,” Catarina said sincerely. “So…what ARE you going to do, Alec?”

Alec shoved his hands in his pockets, contemplating things. “Well,” he said slowly. “My purpose for coming here was to see you....”

They both looked at one another. 

“So, I’d like to see if I can actually make today somewhat productive,” Alec said slowly.

“Are you sure you are up for it?” Catarina prodded.

Alec smiled wanly. 

“As long as you’re here with me, I think I can manage,” he said, trying to sound more confident than he felt. Passing out had taken a lot out of him, before. But he was still willing to give it a shot… 

A smile came upon Catarina’s face. 

“Okay then. We will just take it slow today. You let me know what you can handle,” she said. “Come on then.” She hooked her arm, inviting him to take it. Without hesitation, Alec hooked his arms with hers.

She grinned. “Here we go…”

They both walked out of the room and into the hallway. 

Alec made sure to hold onto Catarina’s arm as they slowly walked down the hall. He knew that they were about to pass by that room again. He tightened his hold on Catarina’s arm. She looked over at him with an understanding look in her eyes.

Soon they had made it past the room. Alec let out a breath that he didn’t’ realize he had been holding in.

Soon, they were at the therapy room, and they walked in.

Alec immediately marveled at the sight before him. 

The décor was all warm colors of browns and olives with some beige. There were comfortable reclining chairs, and a chaise lounge around a table, with some regular chairs stacked up in a corner. A mahogany desk to the far right with files. Two bookcases in rich mahogany wood flanked the desk, full of books and textbooks. ‘

Alec also noticed that the room temperature was a bit warmer than the hallway that they were in.

Catarina glanced at Alec. “I gather you weren’t expecting this,” she said, chuckling.

Alec shook his head. “No, this is a surprise. A nice one,” he said. "It feels really soothing in here..."

"That's the idea," she said, smiling. Then Catarina gestured toward the room with her hand. 

“Have a seat, Alec. Or you can lie down if you wish,” Catarina said warmly.

Alec gingerly sat in one of the recliners, choosing to sit straight up. He had enough of lying down for one day, especially having just been in a hospital bed just before…

"Okay," Alec stated, leaning slightly forward in his seat, his hands clasped together as he looked at Catarina. 

"So, how do we start this again?" he asked.

Catarina peered at him. "Well, there is a protocol we run through initially, just to make sure everyone is on the same page, and that we are aware of the reasons you are here today," she said. 

Alec nodded. "Go on," he said.

Catarina continued, "Therapy doesn't commence unless we are absolutely sure that the reasons for this are valid, and that you want to be treated. And these part segues nicely into what we call the Rules. Basically involves what I expect from you, and what you can expect from me..."

"This will only work if we establish true communication between one another. I am here to help you. But I cannot do that effectively unless I know what I'm working with. This is why it is imperative that we set some guidelines regarding our therapist-patient relationship."

Catarina's voice was firm yet empathetic, the utmost professional as she spoke. Her eyes remained warm, as always. 

Alec still felt...safe. Like he could trust her.

So he nodded. "Okay," he said. "So what are these rules?"

"Some are obvious," Catarina stated. "For this to work, I need you to always be honest about everything, even with the things that are hard to talk about. I mean, that is partially why you are here, because there's areas in your life that you haven't been able to get past. And with that, I can certainly help to guide you through that." 

"But on the same token, I will need for you to recognize why you are here -- that you are here because you want to be here, not because someone else thought it might a good idea, or that you think that this is what is expected of you." 

"If you come in for anything else other than yourself genuinely wanting to get better for you, then this whole things is not going to work, and we might as well wait until such an ideal time like that arises."

"Secondly, this is not going to be a short process by any means. There are many things you are dealing with, and have yet to acknowledge. So I just need you to acknowledge that this is a long process. And it won't be easy -- far from it, actually." 

"To be realistic, it may be really really hard -- and there's going to be days when you won't be moving forward, or you will get stuck at a certain place and not want to move forward... And maybe you will even have setbacks from time to time also." 

"But you just need to trust me on this -- that whatever you do talk about, whatever you decide to bring out in the open for discussion, or even just to tell me that you really don't want to talk about x, y, and z at this moment because you just can't handle it at this point -- that is all okay, as long as I know where you are coming from."

"If you ever become uncomfortable talking about a particular topic, you can say you want to stop. And then we can move onto other things. However, just know that we cannot evade the issue forever, and that we will need to bring up the topic(s) again at a later time. Avoidance is a poor way of dealing with issues -- as I'm sure you have found out -- one way or another..."

"Ugh, I'll say," Alec muttered, unpleasant memories of recent actions and consequences rising like bile up into his throat. 

He winced at the bitter taste at the back of his throat, but fortunately nothing more came.

He took a deep breath. "Okay, continue please," he said.

Catarina smiled as she continued. "For everything we talk about -- if there are areas I feel we really need to work on, there may be exercises that I have you do. Many of these will be intensive, even to a point that you aren't used to them being -- but just keep in mind they are structured in order to draw certain things out for discussion and maybe even self-realization if you yourself are at the point where you are able to acknowledge your own problems and be about to come up with ways to resolve them. However at this point and time, we are going to say that nothing is resolved and that's one of the reasons why you are doing here with me today, to slowly get you toward that goal."

"I also wanted you to know what other goals I thought we would work on, aside from trying to heal from what is obvious -- mainly what you've dealt with these few months. But there’s also other underlying issues I would like to address. Such as your self-worth, which I feel is a huge issue for you -- not only as a result of what happened to you most recently, but even before then, with the coping mechanisms you had in place. Which were most likely entrenched in early childhood to adolescent times, when one first becomes aware of certain feelings and behaviors and our reactions to certain stimuli around us -- our parents, other people around us, our family's expectations of us, society's expectations of us."

"I know that things are extremely strict and narrow in Nephilim society as set by the Clave. And especially with you bring the oldest, I'm sure you were pummeled by a fairly unreasonable amount of pressure to be everything everyone wants, as opposed to being encouraged to be yourself." 

"And in the end -- that's what I really want to try to bring forth -- making you more aware of yourself, bring up your self confidence in making decisions and judgments toward aspects in your life and the people around you. As for everything else, that you are still a worthy person despite what happened, despite any poor decisions or judgment or whatever you think you might failed yourself by thinking or doing, or the mistakes you think you made in your life... All that doesn't matter -- in the end, it doesn't and shouldn't define you, moving forward."

Catarina stopped talking at this time, and looked at Alec, who seemed deep in contemplation.

"So... What do you think?" she asked. "Did I lose you with some of what I said? I know it's a lot. If you ever need me to go over certain things again, I am more than happy to..."

Alec realized he had been staring at Catarina, wide-eyed as she was talking. 

He swallowed hard. It just seemed so_ insurmountable…_

“That’s a tall order,” Alec managed, chuckling weakly. “I bet you’re regretting you volunteered to take me on…”

He ran his fingers through his hair relentlessly. 

Ugh, he thought wryly, Catarina probably thought he was too much, more than she had expected –

Who would even want to deal with all of this? 

Who would want to deal…_with him?_

Catarina’s eyes were warm and empathetic. “No, Alec. Not at all. You may think you are a lot to handle right now, but trust me, you aren’t. I’ve dealt with cases less serious than yours, equal to, and even more intense and precarious,” she reassured him. “As a therapist I remain unbiased and focused on getting you to rely less on crutches and other nonproductive thoughts which might hinder your progress. I want to treat you, I want you to get better. I want to work on all those things with you. But as I said, you have to want to be here, and want all those things too.”

She fixed her gaze on him. “So,” Catarina said slowly, ”Can you honestly say that you are here, of your own volition?”

Alec nodded. 

“Yes, I am here because I want to get well,” he stated. “ I hate it that there are things are make me uneasy now, that hold me back. Things that I am afraid of mentioning because I’m afraid they will trigger things. Even with the flashbacks, look what happened – even just before. I couldn’t even walk past that room on my own without something happening. I can’t live like that.”

He took a deep breath. “And then to look at the things that I’ve lost since months ago – and the things I’ve resorted to in order to cope. It just started at a very young age, and look how it spiralled – I even thought that I pushed the impulses down but by then I had channeled it into “acceptable” versions of the same thing –using pain to punish myself…and then it sometimes even became, in my own head, some twisted type of reward…” 

He trailed off, pausing for a moment. And then he continued. 

“And look what happened when I truly hit my lowest lows by avoiding things altogether. I hit rock bottom. Never was I more confused, sad, angry, and detached all at once, and throwing it out to everyone, and most of all, inflicting it upon myself ---”

He shuddered. He would never be able to completely forget how he had gone too far and had been this close to killing himself physically – mentally he had been as good as accepting that he had indeed killed himself. 

And then – that horrid, horrid feeling of knowing that Magnus had practically drained his magic to save him…

_And the way Alec had walked out on him –_

“I want to be here because I want to keep from resorting to such behaviors and actions, whenever there’s a situation I can’t handle. I need to be here because I need to inadvertently stop hurting the ones who love me – truly love me. I want to be able to sift through all these muddled feelings and emotions and be able look at everything objectively, and to know that there are ways to solve things bit by piece, instead of all these issues in one big pile, where I can’t make sense of where it begins and where it ends…Anyway all I know is that so many things have taken over my life, in ways that it really shouldn’t. And I really do want to try to see if I can take that back.”

He huffed slightly. “If I can take my own life back,” he concluded.

Catarina nodded. “And what you think about all of this, and what you have gone through? Do you think you can recover eventually?” she asked pointedly. 

Alec grimaced. “How does one answer a question like that?” he asked plaintively. 

He looked down at his hands. 

“Anyway, I’m hoping I can be,” he said in a softer tone of voice. “Otherwise my life as I know it is really done, isn’t it? If I fail to move forward from here, then what’s the point of going on? There has to be a path out of this. I don’t want to keep being scared. And no, this isn’t as if I’m doing it for Izzy, or Jace – even though I do miss them both terribly, and would want to reestablish my relationships with each of them again. I would also ideally like to return to some semblance of life as I used to know it – well, maybe with a bit more confidence, assertiveness when dealing with those wanting to undermine me, and less second-guessing myself –”

“And maybe I do want to do this, so that I will be able to take that next step and begin to reevaluate and sort out this whole thing between me and Magnus. Everything between us is so fragile right now – it’s definitely gone to and beyond the breaking point – but the thing is, I think both of our self-esteem issues really did do us both in, but in different ways. The fact that we are so different yet the same in many ways, I’m not sure whether to call it a good or bad thing. To be together, we are either very triggering together one another, or we can be instrumental toward helping each other to heal. And then it also comes down to whether that is what we both want as the ultimate goal.”

Catarina smiled. “Well, I’m so glad to hear that you know your reasons for wanting to start therapy. And yes, those are all valid,” she said warmly. She then glanced up at the wall. “Oh wow, time sure flies,” she exclaimed. “It’s about twenty minutes left of the session. Sometimes these things just go by so quickly –”

“Yea,” Alec said in awe. That had been really quick.

Now, Catarina got up and walked to her desk. She opened a drawer, and took out what looked like a dark blue bound type of book, except that the cover looked like it was bound in some sort of rich brocade type of material. 

Walking back to Alec, she held out the book in front of her. Alec looked at the book, and then at her, curiously.

“If you don’t’ mind, Alec,” she said, “I am thinking it would be productive for you to start a journal of your flashbacks, dreams and nightmares. Of course if you wanted to write anything additional in here, please feel free to do so,” she said. “It would certainly help with our sessions, to help focus our discussions. I mean, a big part is to try to make these flashbacks not affect you so much, right?”

“Right,” Alec stated. He would do anything to make those flashback be less triggering, in terms of making him feel lower than dirt, or to trigger him to want to do nonproductive things…

He took the journal from Catarina.

“So, all I do is to write down every time I have a flashback?” he asked. “Do I write down how I feel at the time too?”

Catarina nodded. “Anything you want,” she said warmly. “It doesn’t even need to be paragraphs or even a full sentence. It can just be phrases or words written at a whim, if that’s all you can manage after having a flashback. I know that many of them still affect you really badly.”

She paused for a moment, and then continued. “It would be most ideal to write in it immediately after a flashback. But it’s understandable if that is the last thing you feel like doing,” she said. “Even if it’s within a few hours of the flashback is doable.”

Catarina then hesitated.

“Actually, do you think you would be up for recording whatever flashbacks you had today?” she asked. “Just whatever comes to mind. we can use the last ten minutes of our session to do this, and then we can discuss this the next time we meet…”

“I guess,” Alec stated. “They did affect me pretty badly today, but right now I am here, with you. And I feel comfortable here. So in light of that, I think I can manage a few words….”

He opened the journal where he sat, and started contemplating.

Catarina smiled. “Okay, great,” she said. “No need to overthink, just a few words on what came into your head, and especially if it’s something that frequently comes up. We do want to see if there’s some sort of patterns with regard to certain flashbacks, as well, and then we can use that as a basis for discussing what was behind those flashbacks, when you are good and ready.”

Alec actually wasn’t sure if he would ever be ready to discuss certain things. However he did know, that as part of the therapy process, that they were inevitable and would be brought up.

“Okay,” he said in a gruff tone of voice. 

He picked up his pen, wondering if he could even write anything today at all. Slowly he let the memory of what happened this memory invade his thoughts. Eventually he put his pen on papers and wrote.

When he had finished, he looked at what was on the page.

_Lost._

_Dark._

_Helpless._

_Bad voices._

_Escape._

_Magnus. _

_Shame._

_Guilt._

Hm, it was certainly a hodge podge of things. Some visual, others more the emotions that lingered, which would then provoke the feelings which led toward his usual coping mechanisms –

_And that’s what they sought to stop, right?_

He shrugged. This would have to do for now. He hoped that’s what Catarina was looking for.

Wordlessly, he looked up at the clock. There was barely a minute left. He handed the journal over to Catarina for her to glance over.

“It’s progress,” Catarina said smiling, after looking over what Alec had written. “So, why don’t you keep that book on you, and just keep writing in there, okay?”

“Okay,” Alec nodded.

“And that’s it!” Catarina said cheerfully. “That’s day one. How do you feel?” She scrutinized Alec carefully.

Alec shrugged. “It went better than I expected,” he said. He felt something akin to relief. 

Catarina nodded. “You can let me know when you want to set another one up. Maybe weekly? How about every Wednesday?”

“I think I can handle weekly,” he said, nodding. "Wednesday sounds good."

Catarina then stood up, and Alec did the same.

“Alright,” Catarina stated. “Well, this has certainly been a productive session, Alec. Looking forward to getting to know you better, and hopefully for you to meet a more healthy version of yourself. I'll see you next Wednesday.”

She stuck out her hand to shake, and he took it. It felt a bit silly since they knew each other and were close. But he understood – this was a professional environment, so it required a different type of etiquette. 

“Well, that would certainly be welcomed,” Alec stated quietly. 

He glanced at the door, feeling a bit nervous. Then he looked back at Catarina.

“Yes, Alec?” Catarina inquired gently.

Alec swallowed hard. “Not that we need to do it all the time,” he said slowly. ‘But, just this time, do you mind walking me to the elevator?”

Realization dawned in Catarina’s eyes. She quickly came over to Alec’s side, and patted his forearm. He turned to look at her, and she hooked her arm, in a gesture for him to take it again. He complied.

“Never be afraid to ask,” she said warmly. “This is a reasonable case, you don’t ever need to worry about this.” 

He smiled gratefully at her, and they both walked out of the office.

Soon they were both standing in front of the elevators. “You going to be okay at home?” she inquired. “I think Raphael should be over soon with Madzie ….”

Alec nodded, feeling a big smile already coming through at the thought of Madzie. 

“Ooh, you think there’s time for me to make a batch of lemon squares?” he asked. “Madzie seemed to really like them when I made them a few weeks ago.”

Catarina looked at him, her eyes widening. “Ugh, just don’t. I _love_ those things….You are just on a quest to make me fat, aren’t you?” she said in mock indignation. “You and your baking…_By the Angel_,” she huffed.

Alec stared at her, his eyes bugging out. “I can’t believe you just said that,” he said in wonder. They both cracked up.

“You work with enough Shadowhunters, it’s bound to come out sooner or later,” she said, grinning. 

Alec threw his head back and laughed uproariously.

It felt so good to laugh, especially after such a crazy day…

……………………

“So, how have you been, Magnus?” Catarina asked, in her usual warm voice.

They were sitting together at the café later that afternoon – Magnus’s favorite one, just up the block from his loft. 

The afternoon had remained sunny, even after she had finished up with her work day, and Catarina had called Magnus out to meet with her. 

She thought it would be helpful to update him with where Alec was with regard to his progress -- . 

Also, she also thought it would be healthy for Magnus to be out in a social setting. 

Ever since Magnus and Alec’s relationship had become uncertain, she noticed that Magnus had withdrawn within himself a lot more than he used to – he would be his “normal” self, busying himself where needed, being helpful. 

But as soon as it was over, he would just return to the loft, and didn’t even go out at all. 

He wasn’t even going out to Pandemonium – which was formerly his default thing to do when he found himself alone in the evenings.

In Catarina’s experience, it was never the most ideal situation to be completely alone while going through these type of things. _And especially not for Magnus._

She knew Magnus, like Alec, was the type to overthink – and also overreact. She found herself having to adjust her schedule between them so as to allow equitable time for each. 

So that’s what she was trying to be proactive with right now.

When she had arrived there, she hadn’t seen Magnus right away. Magnus had spotted her, and lifted his arm to wave at her.

He had chosen a table in the back corner of the cafe. It was a good spot, where they could have some privacy.

She peered over at Magnus, having asked him a question.

Magnus sat back in his seat at the café, fiddling with his ear cuff, as he lifted his eyes off the coffee cup he had been holding. 

“I’m doing okay,” he said evasively. 

Truthfully he was feeling a bit nervous right now, even though it was Catarina who was across the table from him.. It had been awhile since he had felt at ease enough to even be outdoors like this, with all that he had been going through lately.

As the High Warlock, it was too easy to magick up the makeup, the clothing, and to focus on the matter at hand. It didn’t require any emotions or anything involving the heart – two things that were in short supply for him at the moment, given everything that had happened between him and Alec.

And Alec_ was_ his heart --- or at least he had become that, shortly after they had met. 

Magnus had found himself unable to think about much else other than that handsome Archer who had saved his life that night at Pandemonium, by killing the Circle member who had unexpectedly gotten a bit too close to him.

Idly, he looked down at what he was wearing, just a simple blue button down, with his comfortable black pants. A bit less ostentatious than usual. With lightly lined eyes and nothing else. 

He felt slightly naked without the usual amount of makeup – and vulnerable. 

But he never felt like he needed to try, with Catarina. 

She knew him as he actually was. 

Magnus blinked, looking down at his coffee cup for a moment. Then he lifted his gaze back up toward Catarina. She was still assessing him, as if she expected him to say more. He swallowed hard, and forced himself to focus. 

“Alec,” he volunteered. “I guess we have been texting each other.”

Catarina smiled. “How are you feeling about that?” she asked.

Magnus peered at her. “Did you put him up to that?” he asked hesitantly. “I don’t want him to feel like he’s forced to do something, especially if he doesn’t want to.” He looked down at his hands again, which were clutching his coffee cup tightly.

“Well, I did encourage it, especially after he told me he called you. Which was completely a big shock to me, by the way,” Catarina stated. “But after I called you that morning, and I could sense your mood were a bit lighter, well, I thought there wouldn’t be any harm if he wanted to communicate with you by texting.” 

She paused, as she stirred her coffee with her spoon, and then she spoke again.

“I thought hearing his voice again might not be the greatest thing for you right now, that’s why I suggested texting,” she said hesitantly. “Was I wrong to assume that?”

“No, no,” Magnus said quickly. “It’s fine.”

_So Alec had decided to initiate texting on his own._

Okay, that made him feel slightly better. A small smile tugged at his lips. 

Then he bit his lip. 

Just thinking about Alec brought forth all these mixed emotions, from weeks past up to the present. He tried to limit thoughts of him, though, lest they start flooding through his brain, where they were then threatening to take over his emotions –

“But…? I heard a ‘but’ in there,” Catarina stated.

Magnus sighed.

“I feel like I’m walking on eggshells,” he confessed. “His voice triggers me – given everything that happened. You’re right about that. The texting is fine. But we used to do both with so ease – talking, texting – and we were just so comfortable with each other.” Magnus blinked again. “and now…I don’t even know what to say to him, even as casual conversation. I guess I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. In some ways it was easier when we weren’t talking, at least I knew for sure I wouldn’t be doing anything that could possibly be the wrong thing…”

Suddenly Magnus felt a warm hand on his. Catarina had reached over the table to do so. Her eyes were empathetic. 

“I can see why you are feeling that way,” she said. “This is really unfamiliar territory for the both of you. Just take it one day at a time.”

Magnus nodded tightly. He lifted his coffee cup to his lips and took a long sip. Coffee and contemplation, his mind thought idly.

_Yea, story of my life right now_, he thought wryly.

“Oh, and I just wanted to let you know, that Alec agreed to start therapy,” Catarina stated.

That made Magnus pause. He placed his cup down on the counter. 

“Oh?” he asked. “He did?”

“Yes,” Catarina said. “I thought you would want to know that.”

Magnus shrugged. “I…guess?” he asked uncertainly. “I mean, right, I’m happy for him. I’m glad he’s on the way toward getting his own issues out in the open. He has a lot, especially stemming from his own childhood. If this helps him to resolve that, then that will be better for him in the long run.”

Magnus looked at Catarina, feeling hesitant.

“Thing is, are you even supposed to be telling me this?” he asked slowly. 

Feeling nerves creep up again, he started idly tracing the top of his coffee cup with his index finger. Magnus felt on edge. Were they breaching Alec’s privacy with Catarina disclosing this to him? 

“Isn’t all of this between you and Alec though? Not that I don’t appreciate your telling me. I just wasn’t sure if I was privy to being told those type of things anymore, especially with what we are going through right now,” he said.

“Well, he is your partner,” Catarina stated. “And he’s trying to work his way – well hopefully back to the two of you…”

“Did he specifically say that?” Magnus asked. “Or are you the one hoping that he is trying to work his way back to us?”

“Well, he did say that he’s leaving himself open to all possibilities – I would think that it would be positive if it came back to the two of you –”

“But what if it isn’t?” Magnus interjected.

Catarina stared at him. “Eh?” she asked, momentarily jostled by being interrupted by Magnus.

“What if, we are actually better off _not_ together?” Magnus asked.

Catarina stilled.

“Is that your foregone conclusion, concerning all of this?” Catarina asked slowly.

“Well, no…well, I don’t know,” Magnus demurred, “But –”

“But,_ nothing_,” Catarina stated firmly. “When people go into couples therapy, yea there’s going to be doubts on all sides. There’s doubt now, on both Alec’s side, and on your side. Because of all the issues that pulled you two apart in the first place. The basis of couples therapy is try to go into it, attempting to leave all preconceived notions or presumed outcomes at the door – which actually are what brought the both of you to an impasse. It’s the therapist’s job to make both of you talk it out, to try to dissolve whatever it is, whatever walls you have created between one another, so that both sides are heard loud and clear and without bias –”

“Is that even possible, in our situation?” Magnus asked, in a softer tone of voice. But there was no mistaking the edge in Magnus’s voice. Catarina had heard it. _Disbelieving._

“Nothing is ever considered an_ impossible_ situation,” Catarina replied. “Unless of course someone has decided that it is – for one reason or another—and then making it become too much of an obstacle to overcome. But this will never work if one or both parties go in already thinking that it is going to fail.”

She took a deep breath. “True, some situations can’t be worked out,” she said softly. “We need to face reality here. But many situations can be worked out, or at least an acceptable compromise can be made. Until there’s open communication, without any interference on either side, no one can ever predict that final outcome of it all.” 

Magnus thought for a moment. “So, it’s more like anything’s _possible_…until it is deemed utterly and irrevocably _impossible_,” he mused.

Catarina nodded. 

“That’s how it goes,” she stated. “And it’s not a short process by any means. This is an attempt to get everything out in the open – anything you’ve been wondering about, anything he’s been wondering about, and for the both of you to finally understand what both of you have been going through all this time. He will also need to talk about whatever he faced during the time of your separation – because that caused the trauma he is currently suffering from.”

Magnus visibly winced, shuddering. This didn’t go unnoticed by Catarina. 

She placed her hand on his.

“I know, I know,” Catarina said in a soothing tone of voice. “What happened, happened. Things are as they are. What’s most important that both of you can move forward from this, and no one resorts to any bad habits or less than healthy coping strategies, or even more, avoidance regarding the whole thing.” 

She paused, taking a deep breath. Then she turned to Magnus.

“Can’t be stuck in the same place forever, right? Or rather -- you wouldn’t want to be, right?” she asked quietly, her gaze fixated intently upon his.

Magnus blinked at his friend’s direct question. 

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Things can’t stay as they are. Things need to give, one way or another.” He sighed, his shoulders slumping. . “So, you’ll let me know how it goes, when it’s time?” he asked wearily. “Well, I mean, whatever he decides comes next? Or, whether he wants me to come into therapy with him…” 

He then hesitated. 

“…or not?”

There was a sudden lump that had formed in Magnus’s throat, and his voice cracked.

Ugh, he couldn’t control his emotions lately. He always felt so volatile, as if he was ready to snap at any given moment..

“Hey,” Catarina stated. “One day at a time. And it was a good sign that he called, and then wanted to exchange messages with you. I don’t think that he would have even agreed to do that, if there wasn’t some part of him that wanted to work through this…”

She gently touched his forearm in reassurance. 

“Okay?” she asked softly.

Magnus remained tightlipped. But he nodded, still not looking at Catarina.

“It will be okay, Magnus,” she said softly. She got up from her seat, and walked around the table to engulf him in a hug. Magnus didn’t move at first. Then his arm came up to receive the hug. Catarina bent to kiss the top of his head. 

Magnus sighed, his whole body slumping, as he continued to sit where he was. 

But he was feeling a lot better with Catarina’s embrace.

……………………….

_Catarina’s apartment_

The door to the apartment opened. 

“Hi, we’re home!” Madzie squealed, as the little warlock bounced in, her pigtails flying, with her pretty polka dot dress and purple Unicorn bookbag, pulling along with her a flustered, stumbling Raphael, who looked totally out of breath. “Mama?”

The little warlock stopped, upon noticing that Catarina had not answered as soon as the door opened, or even in response to her cheery greeting. Her brows knit together in concern.

“Uh, mama?” she asked, a bit more hesitantly.

She looked up at Raphael questioningly.

Just then the door to the kitchen opened.

“Oh, you two are back. You’re early…” a flustered Alec stated, looking sheepish. He had been baking in the kitchen , and now there was no hiding the flowery apron he was wearing (which was actually Catarina’s), or the light dusting of flour – which was not only in his hair, but had somehow ended up on his pants as well.

And he didn’t even want to _guess_ how his hair looked like right now. 

He had been dashing back and forth looking for ingredients, and he knew it was probably even messier than usual…

He realized that both Madzie and Raphael had been silently assessing him for a few moments.

Raphael looked like he really wanted to say something, but he was holding his tongue. 

Alec rolled his eyes. “Okay, okay. Out with it, Raphael,” he huffed. “I _know_ you want to say something…”

“Oh, I wasn’t going to really say anything at all,” Raphael said innocently. Then his mouth slowly twisted into a full smirk. “Well, I was going to say, ‘I didn’t think that the New York Institute would let you out looking like that. Is that the new dress code for you Shadowhunters?”

“Uncle Raph!" Madzie protested. “Uncle Alec was baking! Can’t you tell?”

Raphael grinned, as Alec snorted. He looked down at Madzie fondly as he patted her on the head.

“Yes, darling Madzie, I know Uncle Alec was baking. He just looks funny right now, being so domestic and all,” he said, chortling.

“Well, Madzie,” Alec stated, “You’re in luck – the lemon squares were done 5 minutes ago –”

He stopped midsentence, as Madzie had already flung herself into him with glee, squealing. “I want to see!” she said happily.

Alec smiled as he looked down at her. “I’ll bring them out,” he said. He gave her a quick hug, and then released her. Turning, he went back into the kitchen.

Soon he came out, oven mitts on hands, holding a tray of perfect lemon squares, top dusted with powdered sugar. Madzie’s eyes widened, and even Raphael looked impressed.

“Wow, Alec,” Raphael said. “I didn’t you were this talented…”

Alec looked up in surprise upon hearing Raphael give him a genuine compliment.

“Why, thank you, Raphael,” he said, grinning lopsidedly. He set the tray down on the dining table, and started lifting out the squares onto napkins, the first of which he gave to Madzie.

“Thank you, Uncle Alec!” Madzie said happily, taking it from him. Then she stopped, as if in midthought.

Alec looked at her carefully. “What is it, Madzie?” he asked.

“I know someone who might really like these too,” she said softly.

_Oh…right. These were his favorite, as well._

Alec didn’t even flinch as his face curved into a smile. 

“Tell you what, Madzie,” he said. “Why don’t I wrap a few to go, and then you and Mama can bring it to him when you see him tomorrow?”

Madzie smiled joyously. “That’s a great idea!” she stated, as she started to dance around the room, singing some unintelligible song to herself, clearly happy. “Come dance with meeeee!”

Alec just watched her, his heart this close to bursting. He loved her so much…

“That was really nice of you, Alec.” Raphael had come up beside him. “Magnus loves your baking,” he said quietly.

Alec stilled upon hearing what Raphael had said. Pressure started building up behind his eyes. 

Whoa, he hadn’t expected the words to hit him like that. He could feel his eyes tearing up. 

Taking a deep breath, he blinked them back. Putting a smile onto his face, he made sure to compose himself, before turning to Raphael.

“Yea,” he said quietly. “I know.” 

Raphael gave him a nod of acknowledgment. 

They just stood there for a moment. 

Then Alec cleared his throat. “I think there’s a little girl looking incredibly cute yet impatient waiting for us -- she wants her dance partners,” he said.

“By all means,” Raphael said, gesturing forward with his hand, with a gentle smile on his face.

Together they walked into the living room, where Madzie’s beaming face and girlish laughter beckoned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 21 to come

**Author's Note:**

> Comments? Good or bad/constructive, I read them. I love knowing what readers think about a chapter or the story in general. Kudos? I definitely appreciate them. I have included suggestions from readers in the past. So leave one if you wish, you never know what might happen :)
> 
> Updates? I work fulltime, so they may not be as regular as I would like. But I NEVER abandon fics, especially Not this one (This is my BABY so to speak!!! ) so don't worry about that! Thank you for joining me on this journey, and I promise it will be worth your while.
> 
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> 
> _________  
This fic was beta'd only for content and depiction of characters, not grammar -- if there are any glaring errors please let me know, thanks!
> 
> Please note: No translating or inspired works of this fic without explicit permission from the author. Thank you


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